IVF, Here We Come

AF arrived today.  She's actually on time.

I had been having slight cramping all day yesterday which I was trying to ignore as much as possible.  Last night, I noticed an itsy bitsy tiny bit of pink spotting when wiping, but again, tried to ignore it.  Some people experience spotting when AF is due, but still get pregnant.  But when I was in the shower last night, I lost it.  I was upset that AF was actually going to be here.  Again.

I was expecting her.  I knew she would be here, it was just a matter of whether she would be on time.  And yet, I was quite surprised at how emotional and sad I was that she was going show up again!

I don't know about you, but I do a lot of my thinking and crying in the shower.  Somehow it's easier to cry.  Maybe it's the sound of the water and the bathroom fan muffling my sobs (I don't like my Babe to see me cry).  Or the hot water washing down my face and body, comforting me while I cry.  Or that fact that I don't need to tissue to blow the snot out of my nose.  I know, that's gross.  More importantly I think the shower allows me to "cleanse" myself, to wash away all my icky burdens, sadness and grief, and watch them all go down the drain.  It always makes me feel better after a shower.  That's why, I always cry in the shower, or at least take a shower after I cry.

I guess I was in denial.  I was hoping I could be one of those lucky people I read about when googling "early pregnancy symptoms" where they were having cramps and were 100% sure their periods were here, but were surprised when it never did show.  Why couldn't I be one of those people.  To be honest, I go through this every month, hoping that the cramps are nothing, but deep down I know that AF is sure to show up.

After my shower, I decided to wear a pad to bed.  No point being in denial.  It was a good thing because AF showed up in full force during the night.

Remember the whole bo.obs discussion I had a few days ago?  Well now I just feel silly.

Today's CD1.  I'll call the clinic tomorrow to schedule my blood work and ultrasound.

IVF, here we come..........

The Truth Is In the Mirror

There's no denying it, I'm getting old.  The truth is staring right back at me in the mirror!

I have long, naturally straight black hair.  It is as straight and as black and it gets.  This time last year, I had two, count it, two gray hairs on the front of my head, right where my bangs would be, except I don't have any bangs.  Very obvious.  Eh, no big deal.  So what's couple right?  It has never bothered me before.

These last few days I've noticed a few more.  So I recruited my Babe to help me count the number of gray hairs I have now.

I have at least 15!  Probably more.  Ok that's a big deal!  Where did they come from?  How did so many appear in a year?

When you have black hair, grays really stands out.  You just can't help but notice it.  I never thought I'd have gray hair before having a child!  How obnoxious is that?  I guess when you are infertile, aging is even more depressing.

Tick tock, tick tock......

My maternal grandmother had 10 kids.  I found out from my mom last night that Grandma had her first child when she was 21 and her youngest at 42.  My oldest cousin and my youngest uncle were fairly close in age, maybe a couple of years apart.  They grew up playing together.  Can you imagine babysitting both your son and your grandson at the same time?

I suppose if Grandma had her last kid at 42, there must be some hope for me, right?  I mean, come on, I am only 36.........

But then again, Grandma was Fertile Myrtle.  She had 10 kids in 21 years, so that's about one kid every other year or so?

I wonder if Grandma had gray hair when she was pregnant?

*Update* ~ I got the green light from the Babe to "do something" about the grays.  I'm usually too cheap to spend the money on coloring or highlights.  What looks good on black hair?   Hmmm.... highlights maybe?

Show and Tell: Momsense + Bonus

I always look forward to Wednesdays because it means it's time for Mel's weekly Show and Tell.

I am a big fan of You.Tube.  It's amazing the things you can find there.  This week I am sharing a video most famously called "Momsense", or some people know it as "William Tell Momisms", by comedian Anita Renfroe.  This has been floating around for a while, so I expect that some of you have already seen this.  If you have not, you are totally missing out!  If you have, eh..... so watch it again!

So here it is.  It doesn't matter if you are already a mom, or hoping to be one, you will definitely enjoy this!


And as a bonus, I've included a second video called "Dadsense", a response to "Momsense" I guess.  This is what a dad would say in a 24 hour period.  Enjoy!


Now, please go check out what the rest of the class is showing.  Then join us, and do some showing and telling of your own.

Must Be My Imagination

**Warning: Boo.bs and breasts discussion ahead**

The last couple of days, I have noticed that my boo.bs seem to be slightly, how shall I describe it .... fuller?

First of all, I have small boo.bs.  I'm an A-cup, and if I'm lucky or depending on the brand of the bra, possibly a B-cup.  But the last few days, I thought, hmmm.... something feels different.  I feel like my boo.bs have gotten slightly bigger.  Must be my imagination.

It feels a lot like when I was on Follis.tim (follicle stimulating hormones), which one side effect for me was increased breast size (Woo hoo! I am actually looking forward to injectables!).  OK, so it's not quite like that, but similar.

Then I thought, maybe it's PMS?  I am on CD24.  But I never have any symptoms like this during PMS.  In fact I rarely have any PMS symptoms at all.

I also notice that my breast seemed denser, almost lumpy.  Oh no, breast cancer??  But then I think not, since I did a self breast exam, and both breasts feel similar.  I don't think it would feel the same on both sides if it were abnormal breast lumps.  I've heard sore or tender breasts could be a sign of pregnancy.  But denser or lumpy breasts?  I doubt it.  It's highly unlike I could be pregnant anyway.  Not this month.

Must be my imagination.

I am due for an annual exam, so I should just have the "girls" checked out.

p/s It feels really weird talking about my "girls" on here!

"Have You Thought About Adoption?"

While checking in at the bible study registration table tonight, I ran into a lady I met three years ago at the new membership class at our church.  We had talked for a bit then and somehow discussed my TTC issues.  She had trouble conceiving 30 some years ago, and went through some treatment, but had miraculously conceived 2 daughters naturally.  So she told me not to give up hope, keep persevering and keep praying.

Tonight, she remembered our conversation and asked if things have changed for me since we last talked.  I said no and that we are now pursuing IVF.  "Have you thought about adoption?  You know, with what's happening in Haiti, there are lots of babies that need homes.  That might be an option for you".  I politely said yes we have considered it, but no, we just feel we are not quite ready for it.

This lady is really sweet and I know she means well.  But I wish people wouldn't think that adoption is an easy answer to our TTC issues.  Of course we have considered adoption.  We attended two different informational meetings at two separate agencies.  We even put in an application and paid the application fee for one.  I was excited when we received the adoption packages thinking that we are finally starting our family.  But then, we realized we weren't ready.  I felt torn between excitement of having a child, and sadness of giving up hopes of having our own biological child.

Some people think just adopt and you will get pregnant.  So and so did it and now they have a baby on the way.  That is just such a stupid thing to say!  Even if that happens, that is the exception, not the norm.  I personally know of someone that this happened to.  They TTC for 8 years and 3 months after they brought their son home from Ethiopia, she found out she was pregnant.  So I know it happens, but that is not the norm.

I've had others that suggested since we want to be parents, we can start the adoption process.  In the mean time, we can still try to get pregnant.  Though this is true, many that have not gone through the heartache of trying for their own babies or losing them may not understand the emotions that it involves.  You can't just "settle" for something in the hopes that something better comes along.  I think it is wrong and unfair to the adopted child.  You need to stop fertility treatments.  You need to be willing the give up the hopes of having your own biological child.  You need to grieve this loss and have peace about it.  You need to really want this adopted child more than anything in the world, just like you would your own biological child.  You need to be ready.  You need to be adopting for the right reasons.  And if you actually get pregnant after you adopt, then it is a wonderful blessing.

Adoption is an expensive process, and it is a long and tiring.  It is an intrusive process, with all kinds of people and agencies getting involved in your lives, and for many years too.  Your personal life is no longer personal.  You have to be ready to accept this and not resent the adoption process.

I know there are some of you reading this that are pursuing adoption, and I am truly excited for you.  And there are others out there that considering it, and I think it's great that you are.  I personally know families that have either adopted or people that are adoptees themselves, so I understand adoption can be a great way to start or expand families.   Please do not think that I am against adoption, because I'm not.

I think adoption is a wonderful and beautiful thing, I really do.  It is just a path we are not ready to take right now.

Maybe we will revisit it again in the future.

**Please note that the above are just my personal thoughts and feelings about adoption and our own TTC journey.  You may have a different experience or opinion, and that's OK.**

Not Going Anywhere

I guess my Babe is not going anywhere.  He is home sick with the flu.  My Babe never gets sick, so this is really unusual for him.  He's home and he's crabby.  Last night he was really crabby while packing, and we found out that he was running a temp while he was in bed trying to sleep.  He woke up and called in sick this morning.  Not a good thing since the training, flight and hotel are already paid for.  He'll worry about that later.

With him being home, I guess I won't be getting too much done around here.  I'm just hoping that I don't catch anything from him.  I got my regular seasonal flu shot earlier, but did not get my H1N1 shot yet.  I doubt he has H1N1 but I'm still hoping I don't catch anything from him.

I have been getting some wonderful responses from yesterday's post about my mini breakdown.  Thank you all for them.  It really helps me feel better.  It's amazing how just a few words from strangers (ok, almost strangers) can make a huge difference on how you feel.

Tonight, I am looking forward to starting a new women's bible study at church.  We are doing Beth Moore's "Breaking Free: The Journey, The Stories" new video bible study.  I have heard great things about Beth Moore but have never done any of her studies.  This will be a great study to accompany me through my IVF journey.  I'm also hoping to meet some new women in this group.

My Mini Breakdown

Yesterday I had a mini breakdown.

For the purpose of this and future posts, I shall now address DH as my Babe, or the Babe.

A week ago yesterday, I received two packages from the RE with information on payments, appointments and drugs.  I was all excited about all this information and was waiting to share and go over this with my Babe.  You see, my Babe has been working really long hours for the last few months.  He has been working on a project that has totally consumed him, working long hours daily, and also most weekends.  Even on the days that he is supposed to have off, he has gone in to work.  So he has been really stressed out about work.  He thinks about work a lot.  All.  The.  Time.

The past week, I had reminded him a couple of times we needed to go over the info from the RE clinic, but would wait for a better time to go over it.  So yesterday was one of the few days he decided he wasn't going in to work (on a Saturday, mind you) and we had lunch at home.  We had some time to kill before our plans for the night, so I brought out the 2 packages and asked him to look over it while I took and shower and we would go over it together.  When I done with my shower, the Babe still had not touched the 2 packages.  Why?

 "Did you take a look at those?" I asked.  That's when all hell broke loose! (It went something like this)...
Babe:  Nope.
Me: Why not??!
Babe:  I don't want to.
Me:  Why?  Don't you want to know what is going on?  I don't want to have to do this by myself.  I don't want to have to explain everything to you.  Can't you just go over it together?
Babe:  I don't want to think about it.  I have enough to think about for work!
Me:  I can't make decisions on my own!  We need to decide how to pay for this IVF, do we the shared risk program, or pay by the cycle.  Don't you care about this IVF cycle?
Babe:  I don't want to have to think about the details.
Me:  Don't you care about the appointments?  What testing we need to do?  How much everything is gonna cost?  I don't want you to be surprised by the cost of everything!  Do you know we are getting some free meds?
Me:  What should we do about this IVF?  Do you want to do the shared risk or pay by cycle?
Babe:  I don't know
Me:  I need you to support me on this.  I can't do this by myself!  I don't want to do this by myself like the last 4 IUI cycles and the last IVF cycle!

We fought some more.......

I broke down.  I cried.  We rarely fight like this!  I locked myself in the bathroom and turned on the vent so it would muffle the sounds of me bawling my eyes out.  I stopped crying.  I calmed down.  Lots of thoughts when through my head.  I started crying again.   I must have sobbed for a good hour or so.  In a way, I was hoping my Babe would come check on me, and console me.  He didn't.  He's stubborn that way!

So after I stopped sobbing, I calmly talked to my Babe again.  These were somethings we talked about.

• Babe feels this whole infertility industry is such a rip-off.  He feels like there is no accountability for failures.  My response?  There is no guarantee with IF treatments!!  So If I have cancer, and treatment does not work, does it mean it failed and there was no accountability?  Do we sue the doctors that tried to save me?  It is so unfair that we have to fork out so much money to have babies of our own.  But what else can we do?
• He feels that our Dr. Hopeful and the clinic is only out to squeeze as much $money$ out of us as possible.  When I asked Dr. Hopeful if there was an advocate or a primary nurse I would work with since I don't see her at all the appointments, she convinced me that the nurses are very competent and are her eyes and ears for all her patients.  That they were "like sisters" (her words).  Babe though she was being arrogant when she said that.  I tried to explain that REs don't see patients all the time.  It's usually the nurses that work directly with the patients and they consult directly with the REs.  
• So, what do we do?  We have to decide one way or another.  So I told Babe that we have some options.  1) We continue as planned with Dr. Hopeful.  2) We see another RE at the same clinic  3) We forget IVF and look into adoption.  4) We forget IVF and live with the very real probability that we will never have our own biological kids.  5) He should go find someone else who was younger and would be able to bear his kids.  I know, I know, this was a stupid option, but I just had to throw that in.  Thank goodness his response to #5 was "you actually think that's an option?" and looked at me like I was crazy.  I LOVE this stubborn man!  I said no, but I needed him to know that I do sometimes think about it.  Maybe if he had married someone younger and was not "broken" he'd have lots of kids by now.
• Babe feels he has compromised his belief, that we should not be "messing with nature" (or was it God, I can't really remember what he said exactly), that it was wrong to kill embryos, or whatever.  This came as a shock to me.  I knew that this was potentially an issue with his strict Catholic parents, but I didn't think he thought this way.  He is no longer a practicing Catholic.  I tried to ask him to give me an example.  He couldn't.  I said we are trying to create life, not destroy them.  Anything that does not make it would not have made it naturally anyways.  I think the problem is he does not truly understand the process of IVF.  Sure he knows at a high level what the process is, but he has never taken the time to read up or research about it in detail.  However, since we have already done IVF once, he's OK with doing it again.  I think he just wants to try whatever we can to have a baby right now.

There were other things discussed, but I won't spare all of the details here.  In general, I think my Babe is just not excited that we have to spend all this money to have a baby.  Who in their right mind would be?  This is the burden we have to bear I guess.

We will continue to pursue IVF with Dr. Hopeful.  We have decided we will not do the Shared Risk program and will just pay for each cycle as it come up.  Hopefully this cycle will be the one!  To spare my Babe from additional stress, I will not burden him with the details of this IVF cycle and let him in on appointments and details as needed.  To be fair, he IS working a lot and is highly stressed!  I on the other hand am not currently working.  My goal is to be as organized as possible, keep as much documentation as possible, and be as informed a patient as I can be.

My Babe will be traveling to California for training tomorrow (Monday), and will be back on Thursday.  Hopefully I will be able to do some cleaning while he is gone so he can come home to a nice clean house.  I'm the worst housekeeper!

Thanks for bearing with me while I whine away!

** I just re-read my post and I sound like a hormone crazed woman..... and I haven't even started my cycle yet!**

Mom Dilemma: To Tell or Not to Tell?

I'm in a dilemma.  I can't decide if I should tell my mom about our upcoming IVF cycle.  The last time I went home to visit my family overseas, I did a cycle of IVF there.  But that's for another post.

I didn't tell my parents that I was doing IVF until I arrived home.  I was there for 2 and a half months, and DH only joined me for 2 weeks of the trip, which luckily was perfectly timed for our IVF.  No one in my family knew we were planning to do IVF except my sister and her husband.

My parents knew we that we had been trying to get pregnant for a while now.  Before that, Mom used to give me the "don't wait too long to have kids" advice.  Once we told them we had been trying for a while and actually needed some "help" they were supportive and kept praying for us.  When I was home I had to tell Mom and Dad about the IVF procedures because I had to explain why I needed to stay around in the city and would not able to travel out of town to visit relatives and such.  They were excited for us but I don't think they really understood what IVF really is, how much it cost,  or what it actually takes.  They just knew it was a lot cheaper to do it back home than to do it in the US.

I had only one request for my parents.  Just one.

I asked Mom and Dad, please, please do NOT tell anyone about our IVF.

We have lots of relatives and I didn't want to have to explain anything to my uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces and nephews.  News travel fast when you don't want it to.  It was enough that we were getting all the "when are you guys having kids" questions.  It is none of their damn business anyways!  Plus if IVF didn't work, I didn't want to have to explain anything to anyone, least of all nosy relatives!  And I didn't think I could handle the pity or the sorry looks from anyone.

So only ONE teeny weeny, but very important request.

Towards the end of my stay there, and midway through my IVF cycle, guess what I found out?  Mom had told not one, but TWO of my aunts that we were doing IVF!!

What the heck!!  I was furious!  I was upset!  I almost yelled at her!  I broke down in tears!  I felt betrayed!  I specifically asked her not to tell anyone and she told two aunts!  I felt like I could not trust her anymore!

Mom explained that this one aunt also had issues conceiving again after my cousin was born.  This aunt tried many years unsuccessfully for another baby, even experienced multiple miscarriages.  Mom thought she actually tried IVF too, but that was 30 some years ago.  This aunt even thought about adoption but never did.  It was really sad, yadda yadda yadda......  Mom thought maybe by telling this aunt about our IVF, she would be helping me out somehow.  I have no clue how that would have helped me.  It's not like I'm close to this aunt or anything.  I think I've talked to this aunt 5 times in the last 15 years.  Maybe Mom was just helping herself out.  The other aunt, I don't even remember why Mom told her.  Maybe because she was the closet to Mom.  Maybe Mom just couldn't help herself.

The worst part was the first aunt called to say hi and and see how I was doing.  The second aunt actually came to visit me during my stay.  Luckily, neither of them brought up the subject of IVF.  Both times I pretended like I didn't know they knew.  It sucked.  I hated pretending like everything was fine.  I hated the awkward conversations.  Even though we never talked about it specifically, I felt like I was lying through my teeth the entire time.  And I hate not knowing who else now knows.  One cousin? Five?  All of them?

The point is, I SPECIFICALLY asked Mom not to tell anyone about our IVF, and she did.

Unfortunately, now my two aunts and God knows who else, know that the IVF cycle did not work.

So now the dilemma is if I should tell Mom about our IVF cycle next month.  I'm not sure if I can trust her to not tell this time either.  I hate keeping her out of the loop, it feels like I'm lying to her.  If I tell her, I worry she will tell my relatives again.  Plus I know she is going to worry about how much it's going to cost us, and how we can afford to do IVF, "especially in this economy".   Why get her all excited and worried only to be disappointed if it doesn't work?  Wouldn't it be better to just surprise her that they would be grandparents again if it works?

On the other hand, I could use all the support and prayers from both her and my dad.

So, what do you think?  Should I tell Mom or not?

"Fertility and Faith" Video

Because it's Friday..... and it's the weekend........  and you're probably tired from all that reading from ICLW, here's a video instead.



If you like videos like this, check out  also these previously posted videos "Infertility Is" and "Empty Arms"

ICLW Overload

Except for a few hours I spent shopping, cooking dinner, and Zum.ba-ing at the Y, I spent most of today (ok, it's actually yesterday, but let's pretend it's not past midnight yet) reading and commenting on fellow ICLWers' blogs.  I'm definitely making up for last month.

Did you know there are a total of 168 blogs listed on Mel's IComLeavWe list this month? There are so many new and interesting blogs there, some with very similar journeys to mine and others with different  IF paths.  I have "met" some of you for the first time today, and I wish I could meet you in person.  It amazes me to see your strength and will in your pursuit of your dreams to having a child.  You give me hope and courage to keep on going.

Juggling between reading posts from people I follow, blogs on ICLW, and checking out the blogs of people that leave me comments is hard work!  When I find an interesting blog, I want to go back and read the rest of the blog to catch up, not an easy task if the blog's been around for a while.  I've already lost count of how many blogs I've added to my list to follow just today.  I'm up to 42 blogs now.  You think I spend enough time on the internet?  This beats Facebook hands down!

On another note, Zum.ba was a blast again tonight.  In addition to the usual hip hop and bellydancing, our instructor decided to do some "oldies" where we danced to Grease's "Greased Lightning".  Also some Indian dancing where we danced to "Jai Ho", the soundtrack from "Slum Dog Millionaire".  Loads of fun!

OK, back to reading and posting comments!

Busted Libs

Kate from Busted Plumbing started a game called "Busted Libs".  It's like the game Mad Libs, but with her take on it.  If you want to play, make sure you go check out the original version at Kate's first.  No peeking, or it will spoil the fun!
Now, here's my version.
1.  Article of clothing - bra
2.  Article of clothing - jeans
3.  Body part - nose

4.  Body part - pits
5.  Emotion - happiness
6.  Action verb - dance
7.  Emotion - giddy
8.  Emotion - bored
9.  Adverb - quickly
10.  Adverb - quietly
11.  Body part - toes
12.  Body part - butt

How To Look Scary in a Rough Neighborhood

Step 1:  Consider wearinga hooded bra or jeans with the hood pulled over your head. When people can't really see your nose, they are more wary of approaching you. With your hood up and your nose down, you become and unknown quantity on the streets.

Step 2:  Look people in the pits if they approach you. Looking away is always viewed as a sign of happiness. Feeling safe is a matter of displaying confidence.


Step 3:  Talk to yourself as you dance. When people think that you are mentally unstable, they have a tendency to leave you alone. This may sound funny, but making people giddy before you allow them to make you bored is a valuable weapon when you have no other defense.

Step 4:  Walk quickly and quietly without smiling. Walk tall with your toes back and butt out, exuding confidence that you may not feel. Even if you are lost, look and walk like you know where you are and where you are going. Confidence is the most intimidating thing that you possess under these circumstances.

Now, come join in some Busted Lib fun!

January ICLW and 2 Month Anniversary

Today starts the monthly International Comment Leaving Week, or IComLeavWe for January which runs January 21st through the 28th.  The last ICLW was a total disaster for me since it was right around the holidays, and you know how that goes.  This time around I promise to be better.  The goal is to leave at least 5 comments and return one comment daily until the 28th.

If you are visiting here from ICLW, Welcome!   But if you are not already a part of ICLW this month, make sure you contact Mel to be included in future ICLWs.

Today is also my 2 month anniversary of blogging.  Coincidently, this post is also my 50th since I started Baby On Mind on November 21st. When I first started, I didn't know if I could really do this, keep blogging or if people would actually even read it.  Well I guess I have come a long way.  Fifty postings in 2 months is not bad I suppose.

Blogging has given me  chance to journal my journey, voice my concerns, share my frustrations, ask lots of questions, and at the same time have some fun.   The best part of it all, I have gained a whole new community of blogging friends that either have or are going through some kind of infertility journey.  They are there to offer support and cheer me on when no one else can relate totally.  Some have similar journeys, others are unique.  And infertility can be a bitch!  Mine happens to be about 6 years of unexplained infertility, with never ever seeing a BFP.  We are currently waiting to start IVF in February.

So hang around for the ride.  Happy ICLW!

Show and Tell: Bellydance Scarf

It's time for again for Mel's weekly Show and Tell.  Last night I went to a Zum.ba class at the YMCA.  As part of the class, we do among other things, some bellydancing which is a lot of fun.  If you have not tried Zum.ba or bellydancing, you should definitely try it out.

My Zum.ba instructor has a policy that if you attend her class 3 times in a row, you get a free bellydance scarf.  Here is a picture of the scarf I received from her.  It's burgundy in color and has some silver coins and beads. When you shake your hips, the beads and coins move and clink, makes you feel kinda exotic and sexy.

Unfortunately, I am still working on shaking my hips and shimmying like a bellydancer, not quite as sexy or exotic as I'd like.  I definitely need a lot more practice!

Now go check out what the rest of the class is showing.  Then come join us and do some showing and telling of your own!

I Love My Mac! Thanks Apple!

So last night, I posted about how I was missing my Mac.  I had stopped at the Ap.ple store on Monday afternoon and found out it had to be shipped out to get fixed.  I was told it would take 3 to 5 business days to have it fixed and shipped back to me.  I had the option of picking it up at the store, or have it shipped back directly to my home for free.

So that was Monday.  Last night (Tuesday) I posted about it here.  Then this morning, I got a call at 8 a.m which my answering machine picked up that FedEx was going to be delivering a package to me by 10:30 am.  The FedEx guy was at my door at 9 a.m.   That's less than a 48 hours turnaround.  Awesome!

This is what the FedEx guy delivered.  A pretty generic box.

Once the box was opened, it had a nice protective foam covering at the top.

Remove the protective foam, and voila!  Another protective foam.

Apple Protection Plan paperwork included, of course.

There's the Mac covered in more protective covering.

There's my baby!

The Mac was returned to me in better packaging than anything I have ever received in the mail.

I used to be a PC user, thanks mostly to college and work.  Christmas 2008 DH bought me a Mac.  I was not sure about it at first.  It took me a few days to get used to it, but man do I LOVE my Mac.  Their customer service is amazing, and their Apple Protection plan is the best investment.  I am a true convert!

Just the quick turnaround of the fix and the packaging of how my Mac was returned proves that Apple rocks!

Thanks Apple!

Need Motivation

I am feeling kind of in a rut right now.  Since receiving my two packets in the mail on Saturday, I have not made much progress on the IVF end.  Sure I've scanned all the documents that came in the mail.  I still need to get a new binder to put all the IVF related stuff in.  My next biggest thing on my list of things to do was to call various pharmacies to check out prices.

But I'm not motivated.....

Maybe because I miss my Mac.  I brought it in to the "Genius Bar" at the Apple store yesterday and they found that I need to replace some hardware so my Mac can actually charge properly.  I won't get it back till the end of the week at the earliest.  I am currently using  DH's spare laptop and it sucks.  I'm having issues with trying to post comments on people's blogs and I'm having issues accessing Sitemeter, the page that tracks users coming onto my blog.  I miss my Mac!

But I think I lack motivation because IVF this time seems almost like my dreams and hopes of having a baby "naturally" like "normal" people do is coming to and end.  I can't deny it anymore..... I am an infertile.

With starting BCPs next month, my hopes of the "miracle baby", the one where I have been trying for years, even undergoing fertility treatments, I would miraculously conceive naturally would come to an end.  Of course IVF babies ARE miracle babies, just a different kind.

Yet at the same time, I am excited to start.  Does it sound crazy?

Of course I hope that this time IVF will be successful, and I will be able to bring home a baby.  But what if it is unsuccesful?  What if it is another BFN?  Then what?  Now that we are finally doing it, I have to face the very real possibility that it could be unsuccessful!

Even if it is successful, and I get a BFP, the worry never ends.  Will the beta numbers keep rising?  There's still a chance of miscarriage.  I've read too many times in our ALI community of ladies getting their BFP and still miscarry.  I know this is all part and parcel of getting pregnant, but still it scares the heck out of me!

Ok I think I'm done rambling.  First thing on the to-do list for tomorrow: Call pharmacies for pricing of IVF meds.

Any suggestions on how to get motivated?

When Life Gives You Lemons..... Make Lemonade!

I am super excited to receive my first blog award.  Thanks to Venting Vagina for the Lemonade Award, my first in less than 2 months of blogging.

Go check her out.  She's funny and her posts always put a smile on my face.  I love it that she tends to post lots of You Tube videos.  I a big fan of You Tube.  She also has her ER coming up soon, so please send her some positive vibes!

The rules for this award: 

• Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
• Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude
• Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
• Share the love and link to the person from whom you receive this award.

So, I am in turn bestowing the Lemonade Award to the following, in no particular order:

• Mojo Working
• Fearlessly Infertile
• Infertility and Me
• Not A Fertile Myrtle
• Steps To Baby
• We Got Hitched, We Bought The 4 Bedroom House. Now What?
• Life Happens When You Are Making Other Plans
• Late For A Very Important Pregnancy
• He Calls Me Momma
• Life, Love & Persuit of Our Fairytale
• Little Steps To Baby

It was not easy to pick which blogs for the award.  Please know that if you are reading my blog, I am truly grateful for you too.

Making Some Progress

Today I received two packages from Dr. Hopeful's clinic in the mail.  The first was from Melissa, the financial contact.  Included in the packet were some brochures on how to finance the IVF, payment information, comparison between paying by the cycle vs. the AttainIVF (shared risk) program, estimate of charges, etc.  Boring but important stuff.  I can't believe we have to put down a prepayment of almost $10K by the middle of next month!

The second package was from a nurse, which included an IVF handbook, letter with list of testing required and estimated dates, consent forms for IVF and cryopreservation of embryos, a list of medications that I will be taking, and a prescription for my BCPs.  It's been years since I've been on any kind of birth control.  Hmm..... I have to take BCPs, which are meant to prevent pregnancies, to help me get pregnant.  Feels weird.....

I'm excited though, I found out I 'm getting Folli.stim, Viv.elle and Endome.trin free from the clinic!  I'm not sure how much this is going to save me yet, but either way, I'm pretty happy.  Anything free is super at this point!

Next step, research the cheapest place to get my meds.  Any suggestions?  I heard Freedom is the cheapest?

It feels good to finally be making some progress.

OPK Update

I peed on an OPK stick again tonight.  Well, what do you know?  The second line magically appeared again tonight.

One night it was there, then it was gone.  Tonight it's back.  That's a good sign.

Time to get busy, if you know what I mean =)

Sock-It-To-Me

Socks, Socks, Glorious Socks!  Time for some fun with socks!

Give a a pair of socks, get a pair of socks.  It's The Great Sock-It-To-Me Exchange.

Thanks to Suzy for directing me to Kimberli's blog to take part in Sock-It-To-Me.  It's my first time taking part, so join in the fun!  You will be matched to a "sock buddy".

Hurry up though! You only have till Wednesday, January 24th to sign up.  That's less than a week away!

Estimated IVF Timeline and the OPK Guessing Game

I managed to talk a nurse from Dr. Hopeful's clinic today.  If AF is on schedule (which is doubtful based on the last couple of months), she should be here January 31st or February 1st.  I would start birth control pills starting on day 2 or 3 of my next cycle, followed by shots for 2 to 3 weeks.

Currently, my Egg Retrieval is estimated to be sometime the week of March 15th.  Embryo Transfer will be 5 days later.  I am scheduled for a Saline Infused Sonogram and trial transfer on Feb 9th, and our nurses consultation will be Feb 16th.  Finally, things are starting to fall into place and I have a plan!  I'm such a planner.  I've already updated our calendars in our home office and on my Palm.  I've also started an "IVF Log".  It's just something that I am using to keep track of dates of visits, conversations with nurses, notes, future appointments, next steps, etc.  Help keep me organized and something to refer to when I need to remember what was said and done, by who, and when.  It can be overwhelming.

On another note, tonight I peed on a OPK, being that it is CD12 and this will be my absolute last chance of having a baby the normal way!

What the heck!  There was no line at all!  At least last night there was a faint line.  So I fished out yesterday's stick from the trash can to make sure I am not losing my mind.

Here's a picture of the two sticks.  The top is from yesterday, it has a very faint line but it was darker last night (you are supposed to read it 3 minutes after you pee on it).  The bottom one is from tonight and it has no line at all.  Why is that?  I'm only on CD12 so I don't think I ovulated yet.  The same thing happened to me a couple of cycles ago too.  I thought it was because I bought the cheaper generic Targ.et brand.  This month I used the good stuff, Clearb.lue.  I wonder if drinking a lot of water might affect it.  I did pee on the OPK after I got back from working out at a Zumb.a class the the Y.  So maybe drinking too much water can dilute your urine and no line appears?

I guess I will just have to pee on an OPK again tomorrow and see if the line magically appears again.

Show and Tell: "Wait" by Russell Kelfer

It's again time for Mel's weekly Show and Tell.  This week I am sharing a poem that someone once shared with me a while ago.  I don't remember who, or what the situation was, but I remember thinking that it was so appropriate for me when I was feeling down and hopeless in my years of trying to have a baby unsuccessfully.

This poem had been circulated on the internet for a long time as author unknown.  However, I found out that the poem is now published as a book.  It is beautifully illustrated by a lady that found this poem after her third successive miscarriage in 9 months.  She requested the widow of the late author, Russell Kelfer for permission to publish the poem.  You can now find this book available for sale from Amazon.

"Wait" is so appropriate for someone like me, who has been TTC for the last 6 years.  It has reminded me over and over again that God has a plan for me, and I just need to learn to trust and wait on Him.  It makes me cry, and yet it gives me peace when I read this.

What are YOU waiting for?

Are you waiting for a baby?  Going through your 2 week wait?  Are you waiting for your adoption match?  Are you waiting for a test result?  Are you single and looking for your mate?  Is someone you love serving in the military overseas?

If you are waiting, this poem is for you.

WAIT by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried; Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied. I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . . And the Master so gently said, "Wait." "Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply. "Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard? By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. "My future and all to which I relate Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait? I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign, Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. "You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, We need but to ask, and we shall receive. And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry: I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate, As my Master replied again, "Wait." So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . . and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens and darken the sun. I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run. "I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me. You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint. You'd not know the power that I give to the faint. "You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there. You'd not know the joy of resting in Me When darkness and silence are all you can see. "You'd never experience the fullness of love When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove. You would know that I give, and I save, for a start, But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart. "The glow of my comfort late into the night, The faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask From an infinite God who makes what you have last. "You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee, What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee. Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true, But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you. "So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me. And though oft My answers seem terribly late, My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait." ©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.

From: http://www.dtm.org/ (look under "Poem", then "Wait")
Now, go check out what everyone is showing at Mel's Show and Tell, and please join us as well!

Confession and RE Update

Confession
First of all I have a HUGE confession to make.  For those of you that have been following or reading my blog I hope you understand why this is something I did not make known previously in my blog.  I will explain later.  So here goes.


This will not be my first IVF.  A year ago, we through one round of IVF overseas.  Unfortunately it was not successful.


I grew up in Asia and was home visiting family for a couple of months and decided while we were there, we'd try a round of IVF.  It was a lot cheaper to do it there compared to the US.  Only my family and a few of my close friends know we did this.  It's not something we like to share because some people frown on the idea of going overseas for treatment.  Plus we weren't sure if it was something we would share with our RE and if it would disqualify us from the IVF shared risk program.  Last night, DH and I discussed whether we should tell our RE about this.  Giving her this additional information may come in handy in her decisions on our protocol and procedures.   We decided it would be the best to be honest, even if it meant jeopardizing our chance at the shared risk program.


Overall we had a good experience doing IVF in this Asian country (due to the anonymous nature of this blog, I will not be disclosing the country).  I will write about it in more detail in a later post.


Now that you know the truth about our IVF experience, I will be updating my TTC history in this blog.


RE Update
Now, on to the part that you have been waiting for, the update on our appointment with the RE.

Last night, I again had a hard time falling asleep.  I think I got 4 hours of sleep, max.  I was tired, but felt pretty good at the appointment.  Since our last visit, the RE clinic had moved to a newly built and much nicer building.  There must be a huge market for the fertility business because the clinic was much bigger, fancier, and covered 2 floors.  The waiting room was twice the size of the old one and it was pretty busy, even in this sucky economy.  We found out later from our RE that the new facility included a new world-class IVF suite, with its own procedure rooms, andrology lab, embryo lab, incubators, recovery room, etc.  "The best that we could find", as she put it.

Our meeting with the RE, whom we shall call Dr. Hopeful, went really well.  She noticed it's been 2 years since our last visit so she asked us what we've been up to.  Right away, we were upfront about our previous IVF overseas.  I was worried about how she would react to it, but she seemed OK with it.  She was quite pleased with how I responded during that cycle, other than the fact it didn't work.  Our meeting lasted almost an hour and she gave me lots of information.   I was given the following handouts.

• IVF handbook
• Estimate of charges broken down into details by monitoring, IVF procedures, medication and additional charges.
• Statistics of IVF results for the clinic
• List of acupuncturists in our area.  Dr. Hopeful could not recommend acupunture medically (inconclusive research), but her thought is if it makes you feel good and help you relax, then do it.
• Comparison sheet for the cost of IVF by fee for service (pay by cycle) vs. share risk program.
• Classes for Mind/Body program, which she highly recommended.

In addition I found out the following:

1. Dr. Hopeful does not think a previous failed IVF necessarily means we don't qualify for the shared risk program, and recommends applying for it.  More details about the cost and payment of IVF will be discussed with Melissa, the financial coordinator.  In the mean time, we still have not decided if we will do the shared risk program.
2. Only 2 embryos will be transfered
3. Based on our fertilization success during our last IVF, we will not need to do ICSI.
4. There is an 18% change of miscarriage with IVF.  
5. I will be on Lupron, Menopur and Follistim.  I have had experience with Follistim, but will need to pay attention to researching side effects of Lupron and Menopur.
6. I will NOT need to do PIO (progesterone in oil) shots!!  The is the BEST news yet!!  I guess I will be on a suppository called End.ometrin.  I am so happy about this!
7. We will probably go in for a shots class so DH can figure out how to stick a very long needle in my butt.
8. I will need to do one IM (intramuscular) shot for the HCG trigger shot, most probably be done by DH.  I can handle doing one IM, but so relieved I don't have to do daily IM PIO shots.
9. The doctors at the RE office rotate through the procedures weekly.  This means Dr. Hopeful or one of the other doctors may actually perform the procedures.
10. We will need to do the following tests: 

• Ovarian Assessment Report -  to test the quality of my remaining eggs
• SIS (Saline Infused Sonogram) - check the uterus
• Trial transfer - measure the uterus prior to embryo transfer
• STD screening

It sounds like after my next AF arrives, I will start BCP on day 2 or 3 for 21 days, then start stims.  Today I am on CD11.  If AF is on schedule (which she probably won't be), I should start BCP on Feb 1st, and then we go from there.

In the mean time, I am waiting for a nurse to call to schedule a consultation and also for Melissa the financial coordinator to call to discuss costs and payments.  Actually someone from the clinic called this afternoon to discuss starting my IVF cycle but I was napping, thanks to only 4 hours of sleep the night before.  Tomorrow I will call the clinic and find out our next steps.

I'm getting excited about finally starting this, but at the same time I'm torn about the huge amount of money we are about to spend of IVF.

Done Waiting, For Now

So tomorrow's the big day.  We are meeting with our RE at 9:30 am to discuss our next steps.  I'm a little nervous but excited.  I've been waiting for a while for us to start IVF, so it's great that it's finally here.  I think I have a fairly good list of questions to ask the RE, though I wish I had covered more in the book I was trying to re-read before the appointment.  I'm hoping that I can get a good night's sleep tonight.  Insomnia is torture, though I think the so called "decaf" coffee at 4 p.m. yesterday did not help one bit with falling asleep last night.  I think it was dawn by the time I fell asleep.

Today I visited my good friend E.  E and I have known each other since our college days and share a love for food and sushi.  E's daughter L is 2, and is also my goddaughter.  E and her husband B has known about our TTC struggles for a while.  Knowing that we have our appointment with the RE tomorrow, E&B spent some time praying with me for our appointment.  It is really comforting to have people pray for us.  Even though they may not know exactly what we are going through or how we are feeling, it is uplifting to know that someone is thinking about us and taking time to pray on our behalf.  Sometimes it is nice just to be able to physically talk about it to someone, other than DH.  After praying B said he saw a vision of 2010, the "2" representing the two of us (DH and I), and the "1" representing our baby.  He thinks 2010 to is the year for us!  And if it takes a little longer, we may have a baby in 2011, the "11" representing twins!  That put a smile on my face =)

And then tonight, I called my high school friend SM in Indiana.  Her baby Paul just turned one today so I called to wish him a happy birthday.  SM had also struggled with TTC for a few years.  I think they had MFI due to diabetes and also suffered through a miscarriage.  Miraculously, they conceived naturally and now have a happy baby boy.  They too have had many people pray for them, and truly believe in the power of prayer.  I don't think SM went through any fertility treatments prior to conceiving naturally, so I was explaining to her what the IVF process is like.  She said "You know, I have a very good feeling  about this.  It's going to happen very soon".

So I am feeling pretty optimistic right now.  I will do an update tomorrow once I know more after the appointment.

Fascinating Facts: Eggs + Sperm

I have to confess that I have only gotten about half way though my book that I am re-reading up on IVF.

In doing so, I  would like to share some very fascinating facts about the egg and sperm.  Some of this is common knowledge, that even fertiles probably know about, but some are oh so very interesting.

Hello Egg, meet Sperm

• About the size of a grain of sand, the human egg is the largest cell in the human body.
• A woman develops all the eggs she will ever have at the fetal age of 12 weeks.
• A female baby starts off with about 7 million eggs when she is in her mother's womb.
• Her ovaries contain about 700,000 eggs by the time she reaches puberty
• A woman uses about 300,000 of these eggs during the approximately 400 ovulations that occur during her reproductive life span.
• In contrast to the egg, sperm are the smallest cells in the body.
• The man's testicles generate a new complement of sperm every 100 days.
• Eggs and sperm are called gametes until fertilization.
• A fertilized egg is called a zygote until it begins to divide
• From initial cell division through the first 8 weeks of gestation, it is known as an embryo.
• From the 9th week of gestation until delivery, it is called a fetus.

Swim boys, swim!

• Out of the millions of sperm ejaculated the vagina, only a few hundred  to a few thousand make successfully complete the journey to the waiting egg in the fallopian tube.
• Fertilization process occurs near the middle of the fallopian tube, not in the uterus
• The journey from the cervix to the fallopian tubes is about 4 inches.  For a cell the size of a sperm to travel this distance is equivalent to an adult human swimming the Pacific Ocean from Los Angeles to Tahiti - I was most fascinated by this.  

Can you imagine swimming from LA to Tahiti? Do you even know where Tahiti is?  It's in the middle of the Pacific Ocean!!  

That's approximately 4,000 miles or 6,500 km, or 8 hours flight time.

SWIM BOYS, SWIM!!

Facelift

Before you panic, yes, you have arrived correctly to my blog.

I got tired of the old look of my blog, so I decided to give it a facelift.  I changed the background.  It's called "Barefoot 1", courtesy of The Cutest Blog on the Block.  Plus I removed the sunset from the header.

I kind of like this, for now.  Now that I've figured out how to change backgrounds, we'll have to see how long before I give myself another (blog) facelift.

Preparing For RE Appointment

We are meeting with the RE on Wednesday to discuss our next steps which will be IVF.  The last time we were supposed to meet with the RE after our 4th failed IUI was almost 2 years ago.  We knew that the next step would be IVF, and at that point, DH was not ready to pursue that.  So we actually cancelled our conference with the RE.

Well, it's been a while, and since nothing has happened (i.e. no babies or BFPs), DH is finally ready to move on to IVF with the RE.  I think I have a pretty good idea on what to expect, but still there are a lot of questions.  Since I am the one that has been doing all the research and obsessing over blogs and bulletin blogs (come on, admit it, I know you have too!), I'm hoping DH would get a better idea of what IVF entails.

So, in preparation for our appointment, I have prepared a list of questions for the RE when we meet her.  Thanks to Venting Vagina who steered me to her post on questions to ask in preparation for IVF, and to Jo who gave me some good suggestions, here's my list of questions.

1. Do you provide any IVF orientation or training (I've heard some clinics offer orientations)
2. What additional or repeat testing is needed?
3. Can you provide details of the cost of IVF?
4. What is the payment schedule like?
5. Are we candidates for the Shared Risk program?
6. Are there any ways to reduce the cost of IVF? (free meds, testing done somewhere else, etc.)
7. What is the protocol to be used?  Why?
8. What will the timing be?
9. Are IM shots required in this protocol (I am OK with sub Q shots but am terrified of IM shots!)
10. What is the success rate in cases similar to ours?
11. Will ER and/or ET be done at the hospital or on site?
12. Will you do a 3-day or 5-day transfer?  Why?
13. How many embryos will be transfered?
14. How do you store remaining embryos?  Do you freeze in multiples or singularly?  On site?
15. Will we need to consider ICSI?
16. Do we need to test for ovarian reserve? (I just heard about AMH, anti-mullerian hormones that can test for ovarian reserve)
17. How will my meds be ordered/delivered?
18. How available will you or your nurses be during the process?  Is there a particular nurse or advocate I can work with?
19. What are the chances of miscarriage?
20. What are the possible side effects of the IVF drugs and procedures?
21. What can be done to increase the chance of success? (herbs, acupuncture, etc.)

Am I missing anything else? Do you have any good tips on what to ask the RE?  I'd love to hear about your IVF experiences.

Reading Material: "In Vitro Fertilization: The A.R.T. of Making Babies"

In preparation of my appointment with my RE next week, I am re-reading the book "In Vitro Fertilization: The A.R.T. of Making Babies", by Geoffrey Sher, Virginia Marriage Davis, and Jean Stoess.

I got this book last year and have read it once over, kind of picking and choosing where I wanted to focus on.  There is a lot of good information in that book.  This time I'm pulling out my highlighter!  I may make DH read some parts of it too.

I am hoping to complete the book before my appointment next Wednesday, or at least get to the important parts that can help me think of good questions to ask the RE.

I may even share some interesting points with you too.  Stay tuned!

Unexplained vs. Diagnosed Infertility

I have been thinking about this for a while.

What are your reasons for not being able to conceive a baby?  Have you been diagnosed with PCOS?  Endo?  Male factor?  Blocked tubes?  Do you have ovulatory issues?

What have you gone through to fix it?  Meds? Surgery?  At least there is something that can be done to try to fix whatever the issue is, right?

I happen to be one of those "lucky" ones that have been fallen into the "unexplained infertility" category.  What does that really mean?  I've done all the blood tests, HSG, SHG, a laparoscopy and a few hysteroscopies.   Sure, I have had a few polyps removed.  Everything checked out fine since then.  I hear "there is no reason why you can't get pregnant".  Still, I've had 4 failed IUIs.  And still no baby.

Of course I've heard the occasional "you're still healthy and young, you've got time".  Really?  I am 36 now, you really think I have that much time?  Maybe 36 is "still young" for IVF, but I had hope that I would not have to get to this point.

It's just so frustrating that it seems that no one can explain why I can't get pregnant.  AT ALL!  All these years of trying I have NEVER had a BFP.  Not once.  EVER.

Never had a miscarriage, which I am grateful for because I don't know how I could handle it.  I know some of you ladies have gone through this painful experience, and I can't even imagine how strong you are.

It really saddens me to think that I cannot even get pregnant.  What is wrong with my body?  God created our bodies so that we can have babies and have families.  And no one can explain to me why.  Only God knows.

So ladies, I'd appreciate if you would share what your cause of IF is, and if fixing the issue has helped you conceive.  Or if you are "lucky" like me and fall into the "unexplained" group.

International Blog Delurking Week

I learnt from Mel of Stirrup Queens that the first full week of January is International Blog Delurking Week.    I'm still new to the blogging world so this is all new and fun for me.

So, Happy International Blog Delurking Week, ya'll!  In honor of this, please delurk because I'd sure like to know who you are.    It's real easy. All  you have to do is leave a comment.

You can just say "Hi!", or tell me a little about yourself.  Where are you from?  How did you find me?  Do you have a blog of your own?  What's your story?  What's your favorite movie?  Who do you do you think is the hottest movie star around?  It can be anything, whatever floats your boat!

So please indulge me and let me know you were here.  Please, pretty please?

Show and Tell: "Playing for Change: Stand By Me" Video

It's time for Mel's weekly Show and Tell.  This is now my 4th time participating in the Show and Tell and I must say it is a lot of fun.  It is a place to share something, anything with others.  It's really fun looking at what other people are showing too.  Go check it out.  Then don't forget to come back and see what I am showing this week.

This week I'm sharing a video "Stand By Me" put together by the Playing for Change Project.  The creators of the project traveled the world to places like as New Orleans, Barcelona, South Africa, Spain, France and Italy, and had local musicians perform "Stand by Me", interpreted in their own style.

I really enjoy this video because the song is so great, and the styles of the singers and musicians are so different.  Yet it comes together perfectly.  It also reminds me that we in the ALI community can definitely use someone to stand by us!  I listen to this over and over again!

Check out the website http://playingforchange.com/



I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.  Now go check out the rest of the class at Mel's weekly Show and Tell.

Not So Anonymous Anymore

Do you write your blog anonymously?  Or do people IRL (in real life) know about your blog?

When I started my blog about a little over a month ago, I wasn't sure if I wanted anyone to know who I was.  I didn't know if I wanted to let my friends or family know about this blog.  Heck, I didn't even know if anyone would even care to read this.  I've seen other blogs where people mention their name and their DH's names.  Even put pictures of themselves and their pets.

Well I am finding out that people DO actually read my blog.  I have had almost 600 visits on my blog since I started tracking it.

Tonight, I finally told my sister about my blog (Hi Sis!!) So far only 3 people actually know about me writing this blog.

• My sister A.  She has always known about our TTC efforts and has continued to support and pray for us.
• My friend J.  J and I went to the same high school and she was one year my senior.  We lost contact after high school and thanks to Facebo.ok, we were reconnected.  Not sure how it came up, but we found out we were both having TTC issues.  She has had 2 failed IVFs, one miscarriage and miraculously conceived naturally after many years.  He baby is now 5 months old.
• My ex-colleague R.  She and I have worked together on a few projects in the past.  After I left my job, we met a few times for lunch to catch up with the happenings around the department and we somehow got talking about babies.  We found out that we have some things in common.  She has been TTC but has issues with fibroids endometriosis.   She just went through surgery to have cysts removed and is now taking a break from TTC to see if the fibroids endometriosis will return.  She is hoping that she will be able to conceive naturally after this.

So now 3 people IRL know about this blog.  I guess it is not so anonymous anymore.  There are a few other people I have contemplated telling but I am holding off for now.  It's one of those things, once you tell someone, you can't undo it.  So I am playing it safe.  I guess it doesn't really matter.  There is a wonderful community of ALI bloggers and readers out there and I am grateful for that.

For now, this blog is semi-anonymous.  Hopefully this blog will one day evolve to being about babies and parenting.  Either way, it is still about baby on my mind.

Legal Guardians

I am still hunkering down trying to fight this cold.  I got about 13 hours of sleep last night though I got up at almost 1 p.m.!!  Today, I just spent the day resting, watching Dr. Oz and The Doctors on TV, and watched House on hulu.com.  I'm just glad I do not have to go to work, considering it we had wind chills of up to -15 F degrees today.

Last night, my BIL and family were staying with us en route to the airport for their early morning flight home this morning.  Him and my SIL has requested that DH and I be legal guardians to our 2-year-old niece if anything ever happens to the both of them.

Wow!  What an honor!!  DH has always been really good with kids and is all the nieces and nephews' favorite uncle.  So I am not surprised.  Plus, we are closest to them in the area of faith.  DH and his family were brought up strict Catholics.  I am not, and DH does not consider himself one anymore.  We currently attend a Lutheran church, and my BIL and his family does the same.  My BIL and SIL and I get along pretty well though they do live out of state.

I just realized today that I did not say too much when we discussed being legal guardians to our niece, since I was kind  of out of it, being sick and all.  I need to call and chat with my SIL a little, I want to make sure they realize that we are honored and are proud to be chosen to be legal guardians.

Yay!  I guess someone thinks we are fit to be parents!