I'm in a dilemma. I can't decide if I should tell my mom about our upcoming IVF cycle. The last time I went home to visit my family overseas, I did a cycle of IVF there. But that's for another post.
I didn't tell my parents that I was doing IVF until I arrived home. I was there for 2 and a half months, and DH only joined me for 2 weeks of the trip, which luckily was perfectly timed for our IVF. No one in my family knew we were planning to do IVF except my sister and her husband.
My parents knew we that we had been trying to get pregnant for a while now. Before that, Mom used to give me the "don't wait too long to have kids" advice. Once we told them we had been trying for a while and actually needed some "help" they were supportive and kept praying for us. When I was home I had to tell Mom and Dad about the IVF procedures because I had to explain why I needed to stay around in the city and would not able to travel out of town to visit relatives and such. They were excited for us but I don't think they really understood what IVF really is, how much it cost, or what it actually takes. They just knew it was a lot cheaper to do it back home than to do it in the US.
I had only one request for my parents. Just one.
I asked Mom and Dad, please, please do NOT tell anyone about our IVF.
We have lots of relatives and I didn't want to have to explain anything to my uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces and nephews. News travel fast when you don't want it to. It was enough that we were getting all the "when are you guys having kids" questions. It is none of their damn business anyways! Plus if IVF didn't work, I didn't want to have to explain anything to anyone, least of all nosy relatives! And I didn't think I could handle the pity or the sorry looks from anyone.
So only ONE teeny weeny, but very important request.
Towards the end of my stay there, and midway through my IVF cycle, guess what I found out? Mom had told not one, but TWO of my aunts that we were doing IVF!!
What the heck!! I was furious! I was upset! I almost yelled at her! I broke down in tears! I felt betrayed! I specifically asked her not to tell anyone and she told two aunts! I felt like I could not trust her anymore!
Mom explained that this one aunt also had issues conceiving again after my cousin was born. This aunt tried many years unsuccessfully for another baby, even experienced multiple miscarriages. Mom thought she actually tried IVF too, but that was 30 some years ago. This aunt even thought about adoption but never did. It was really sad, yadda yadda yadda...... Mom thought maybe by telling this aunt about our IVF, she would be helping me out somehow. I have no clue how that would have helped me. It's not like I'm close to this aunt or anything. I think I've talked to this aunt 5 times in the last 15 years. Maybe Mom was just helping herself out. The other aunt, I don't even remember why Mom told her. Maybe because she was the closet to Mom. Maybe Mom just couldn't help herself.
The worst part was the first aunt called to say hi and and see how I was doing. The second aunt actually came to visit me during my stay. Luckily, neither of them brought up the subject of IVF. Both times I pretended like I didn't know they knew. It sucked. I hated pretending like everything was fine. I hated the awkward conversations. Even though we never talked about it specifically, I felt like I was lying through my teeth the entire time. And I hate not knowing who else now knows. One cousin? Five? All of them?
The point is, I SPECIFICALLY asked Mom not to tell anyone about our IVF, and she did.
Unfortunately, now my two aunts and God knows who else, know that the IVF cycle did not work.
So now the dilemma is if I should tell Mom about our IVF cycle next month. I'm not sure if I can trust her to not tell this time either. I hate keeping her out of the loop, it feels like I'm lying to her. If I tell her, I worry she will tell my relatives again. Plus I know she is going to worry about how much it's going to cost us, and how we can afford to do IVF, "especially in this economy". Why get her all excited and worried only to be disappointed if it doesn't work? Wouldn't it be better to just surprise her that they would be grandparents again if it works?
On the other hand, I could use all the support and prayers from both her and my dad.
So, what do you think? Should I tell Mom or not?