I must be the most horrible blogger around. Is anyone still out there reading this blog?
Since my last post, which is when I got my negative beta result in July, nothing has really happened.
I'm stuck in a HUGE RUT!
Babe had not wanted to make any decisions since our negative beta, which was in July. Since then, we have just been working. And right now work really sucks. I have been putting in a lot of hours, some weeks more than others, working evenings and also weekends. You know it's really bad when you start dreaming about work at night, and the first thing you think about when you get up is work! Even on the weekends. And no life, other than work.
I am starting to really dread going to work. There is some much work, and not enough time to do it. I am behind in everything, I am drowning in my work. I know should be grateful for a job, but right now, I really wish I am not working. I am so stressed out, that every night, I want to cry.
I had a mini meltdown last week. We finally briefly talked about what's next. Babe would still like to try having biological kids, so we are currently toying with the idea of donor egg. But that's hard too. It costs so much (about $22K), it also takes time. Just like with adoption, there are so many things to consider with donor eggs.
Whatever we do, it's going to be difficult.... whether we adopt, or do donor eggs. I just want to skip ahead to having the baby and bypass all the difficult things in between!
Life sucks right now.... I just want things to change... but it's not going to happen easily. I'm not sure what the heck I'm doing with my life right now. What's the point of working so hard at a job which I (currently) dread? At first the job was a good distraction for my infertility and a way to pay for treatments. Now, the job is just another thing I dread.
I also think I may be depressed, though I hate to think so.