Saturday, October 4, 2014

Hello, It's Me

Hello, it's me.

It's been almost 2 months since my last posting.  I am still here.  Hanging in there.  Not sure if anyone is still reading or following this blog, but I wanted to check in for a bit.

So much has happened since my last post.  So much.  But yet, nothing really has.  Nothing has changed..... I'm still here, still no baby.  Still not much progress, except very little in the infant adoption process.  And still no decision on what to do about embryo adoption.  I wish I had done a better job keeping up with this blog as there is SO much to update.  But I will have to do that in a couple of posts.

All I can say is that these last 3 months have been SO, SO HARD.

Going back to work has been hard.  Starting a new job has been difficult.  Starting a new job, while still grieving my past losses has been tremendously hard.  I thought I was ready to go back, but boy was I wrong.  I guess I have not fully grieved, but does anyone really?

Going back to work has been one of the hardest things, emotionally, that I have had to do.  Most days I wake up dreading the fact that I have to go to work.  Trying to focus on a new job while still having to deal with so much emotions and unresolved issues have been overwhelming and pretty much consuming me.  I have been a total emotional wreck!  That's to put things lightly!

Honestly, I had written a bit more details about my job and how it is affecting me, but Babe had discouraged me, saying the blog world is not as private as I would like to think it is.  So, to protect my privacy, I have refrained from going into too much details.

I have been overwhelmed with work and therefore have spent no time reading blogs, nor spent much time on the embryo adoption FB group.  But, even with the little time I have spent, it has been difficult due to the many pregnancy and birth annoucements.  The lady I met at NEDC during my January transfer (we had the same transfer date and met up at the recovery room), well she just gave birth to her baby from that transfer.  I am so happy for her, but yet it is another thing that makes me sad.

Please keep me in my your prayers as I go through this trying time.  Please be patient with me as I try to find time to write a couple more update posts.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Birthday Giveaway Winner

We have a winner!

After midnight last night (this morning), I asked Babe to randomly pick a number between 1 and 24.  He picked 2.

Our winner is Just T from I Can Do This.

Congrats!  Please send me an email at with your name and address so I can send you your $20 Target gift card.

Thanks everyone for taking part in my birthday giveaway and sharing all the wonderful things that make you happy.  Turning 41 has not been any different than when I was 40.  But I am hoping 41 will be a very special year for me.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Birthday Giveaway!

Image from Keep Calm Posters

I'm having a birthday today.  Yup, yet another year older.

Last year I was pretty optimistic, looking forward to my first embryo adoption transfer in what I thought would be in the month of September.  A year later, I still don't have a baby in my arms, nor a pregnant belly.

However this year, Babe surprised me with 1.5 dozen roses at work a day early. On top of that, he made me open my birthday present early. I am being spoiled with a gift card of a half day at the spa which includes a 90 minute massage, manicure, facial, hair wash and style and lunch.  And tonight, we will go out to a nice dinner somewhere.  I feel really spoilt. But Babe said I deserve it. It's been a rough couple of years for us. And it's not over yet. 

So, in honor of my birthday today, and that I am being spoilt by my Babe, I'm sharing the love. I'm giving away a $20 Target gift card. All you have to do to take part in this giveaway is leave a comment on what makes you happy.  Is it the smell of coffee in the morning? Or the giggle of a baby?  One of my favorites is waking up in the morning and realizing that I can go back to sleep because it's the weekend and I don't have to go to work!

So tell me what makes you happy.  One entry per person please.  Only comments in this post will count as an entry.  The giveaway will end at 11:59 pm CDT on Wednesday, August 13th.  If you are commenting anonymously, please leave me an email where you can be contacted.  One winner will be randomly chosen by Babe.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Some Updates To Catch Up

Sorry for the long silence.  A few quick updates.

I FINALLY got my period last Sunday.  It arrived exactly 4 weeks late.  So I went 2 months without getting my period.  That's a new record for me.  Fortunately, it felt no different from most of my other periods.  I was worried that I may have major cramping or it would be very heavy, but it was not.

Babe and I have decided that though we have not made a decision to give up embryo adoption entirely, we would start our process for traditional domestic infant adoption.  On July 10th, we attended an adoption information meeting with an adoption agency from which a few couples in our adoption support group had adopted from.  We like this agency because it works with multiple agencies around the country to match birthparents to adoptive parents.  So we will not be limited to working with birth moms in our state only.   Since then, we have submitted our initial application form and application fee for our home study.  We have receive the first set of application forms and are working on completing them.

Back in June, after my last failed transfer, a friend of mine introduced me to her friend that had gone through embryo.  I met up with her for lunch and we chatted for a long time.  She has 5-year old daughter  from embryo adoption but has had two losses since then.  Her first was 2 years ago when she miscarried at 20 weeks, and her last was just a few months ago when she miscarried at 10 weeks.  She told me about the doctor her doctor who is aggressive about genetic testing.   After my last transfer, I decided that I wanted to get myself tested to find out if I have any autoimmune or blood clot issues.  I want to know if there are any issues, and if there are, if they can be fixed.  Or not.  I just want to know so that we can make a decision as to whether we should shut the door permanently on embryo adoption/donation.

On July 24th, I made an appointment with Dr. T for a consult.  We went over my history and the thing that I like about her is she is aggressive about testing.  To her, no one should have to lose ANY babies, and should have a right to find out.  It's interesting to hear that there are a lot of doctors out there that do not believe in genetic testing after a pregnancy loss and would not treat for it.  It's also interesting to hear that she has had many successes treating her patients once she find out that they have issues.  There are also cases where she finds out that there is no way to treat the issues.  I spent over an hour speaking with Dr. T at my appointment.

In the end, we decided that I would have my blood drawn and have a test called the "Counsyl Test" done.  This is a panel of tests that includes multiple genetic tests.  It is interesting as the company that does the testing guarantees the cost of the test where if my insurance company did not cover the cost of the test, the company would only charge me $99.  I received an email the other day that the company ran the test by the insurance company and our out of pocket cost would be $225.  With the guarantee, the company will only charge me $99.

I have an appointment tomorrow night for an over-the-phone genetic counseling session with the testing company.  They will go over the results with me then and I have a follow up appointment with Dr. T later in the week.  I will update you what I find out then.

Work has been going OK.  I have to admit I do really miss not working.  There is a lot to learn at work and I have been going through a lot of web based training.  And I still have a lot of reading to do.  Projects are starting to get ramped up and I am and will continue to be very busy.  I already am feeling the stress of the job and it will only get worse.  I am know the newness and the need to learn is just a phase of the job but I also know that I will be kept very busy, with very tight deadlines.  I really want to do well at this job but I'm also trying really hard to balance my work and personal life.

Though I miss not working, I am also super grateful for my job as I know how lucky I am to actually have this job.  I just wish tomorrow is not a Monday........

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

I Took The Test

I took the test.

The results window of the pregnancy test was stark white.  Not pregnant.  Of course not.  I knew that.

Yesterday, as I was driving home from work, I started having the familiar feeling of those pre-mentrual twitches.  I was pretty sure my period would start.  And then, nothing.  Again, today I felt those familiar feelings again on my drive home, except they were stronger and felt like for sure I my period would arrive.   But then, still nothing.

I was actually reluctant to take the test tonight.  I wanted to return it to Tar.get. but we can't find the stupid receipt.  Finally, Babe bribed me with happy hour tomorrow night, just so that we would know.  Like me, he also liked not knowing for sure because then there was still some slight hope for a miracle pregnancy.  Though deep down, I knew it was wishful thinking.  So I took the test, and I know for sure I am not pregnant.  I am a little disappointed but relieved to know.

Looking at my calendar, as of today, I am 17 days late.  And still no sign of my period.    I'm still blaming it on my new job and change in schedule.  Anyone else experienced this, with a period being this late?