I Took The Test

I took the test.

The results window of the pregnancy test was stark white.  Not pregnant.  Of course not.  I knew that.

Yesterday, as I was driving home from work, I started having the familiar feeling of those pre-mentrual twitches.  I was pretty sure my period would start.  And then, nothing.  Again, today I felt those familiar feelings again on my drive home, except they were stronger and felt like for sure I my period would arrive.   But then, still nothing.

I was actually reluctant to take the test tonight.  I wanted to return it to Tar.get. but we can't find the stupid receipt.  Finally, Babe bribed me with happy hour tomorrow night, just so that we would know.  Like me, he also liked not knowing for sure because then there was still some slight hope for a miracle pregnancy.  Though deep down, I knew it was wishful thinking.  So I took the test, and I know for sure I am not pregnant.  I am a little disappointed but relieved to know.

Looking at my calendar, as of today, I am 17 days late.  And still no sign of my period.    I'm still blaming it on my new job and change in schedule.  Anyone else experienced this, with a period being this late?

Catching Up

Sorry for being MIA again.  Can't believe it's been almost a month since my last update.  I have an excuse...... sort of.

I started a new job.  Yup, a new job.  It's all kind of crazy actually.  I have not been working for the last 2 years.  Long story but it had to do with me being so stressed out working at my job that we decided I wanted to quit and Babe was OK with it.  We figured we would take the time off for me to get healthier and focus on our adoption plans.  We took the time to start our adoption home study and made the decision to pursue embryo adoption.  This entire time I was not seriously considering going back to work because we thought for sure embryo adoption work for us.  But one transfer led to another, and then a third.

Anyway, a ex-colleague of mine whom I have been meeting up for lunches for the last couple of years have been trying to get me into the company she works for.  I actually interviewed at her company a year ago, but it didn't work out.  In April, I had lunch with her again and she said that the were looking for someone for a position that she thought I would be a good fit.  I applied for it and didn't hear anything for over a month.  Then one day, I received an email asking me to interview with the company ASAP.  I had my interview a week before my transfer in May.  I was told that the company was planning to offer me the position before I left for NEDC.

It was a weird feeling going into my transfer knowing that I have a job after the transfer.  At first I was torn about whether I should accept a new job.  I was praying and hoping that the transfer would work and I would be pregnant.  I was also worried about being pregnant and not being able to perform on the job from nausea and fatigue.  Plus I also plan to stay home once the baby was born, but I felt bad about having to leave only after a few months.  But I also didn't want to turn down the job.  If God was opening a door for me, especially an unexpected one, I really shouldn't be closing it.

So, we figured getting pregnant would be our Plan A.  If Plan A worked, then my job would be Plan B, and we would use it as a short term savings plan to replenish our dwindling savings account.  If we didn't get pregnant, then Plan B would be Plan A, as I needed to get back to work to replenish our savings account to fund our traditional adoption plans, if we decided to go that way.  We figured having a job is a good thing either way.

I received my official job offer on the Friday before Memorial Day, a few days after we got back from NEDC.  I accepted the job offer on the Tuesday after Memorial Day.  It was the same day as my first beta for my May transfer.  Talk about crazy timing.  When I found out about our negative pregnancy test, I was devastated.  But at the same time, I had peace about it.  I knew that though this was painful, I had something to look forward to as well.  And having a job was going to be a relief financially too.

So, I started my new job on the Monday before the 4th of July.  There nothing quite like starting a new job on a holiday week.  This has been an interesting transition.  I have not been working for 2 years and have to get back into the groove of working and having to get up and go to work like everyone else.  I am also working in a similar role but in an entirely different area.  So I will have A LOT to learn and get used to.  But I am happy to be at my company, which is a very large global corporation.  I am not naming it, but you use their products everyday.  If I tell you the company name, you would recognize it immediately.

On an entirely different note.  I am contemplating taking a home pregnancy test.

Why? My period is 2 weeks late.

Crazy, right?  However, I am almost 100% sure I am not pregnant.  Why?  Because for the last 11 years, I have not been able to get pregnant naturally.  Nor with IVF.  Not even with adopted embryos.  Plus, I am not feeling any signs of pregnancy like nausea or fatigue like I did when I was briefly pregnant with a chemical pregnancy back in November.  I blame my late period on the stress of starting a new job, and having to adjust to lack of sleep.  At the same time, it's kind of fun to have the stupid feeling of false hope, that maybe this is my miracle pregnancy!

But, I am considering taking a pregnancy test because I have been drinking a lot of coffee since I started my job.  I even had 2 drinks this month.  But, I also know that as soon as I take the test, my period will start.  That has always happened with taking a home pregnancy test for me.   One year, I was 10 days late, but the home pregnancy test was showing a negative.  I had my blood drawn at a clinic, and as soon I as I got the negative result from the blood test, my period came.

But I am tired of just not knowing and having to keep waiting for my period to start.  I want to make sure I can continue drinking coffee without feeling guilty.  I even had Babe run to Tar.get today and pick up a 2-pack kit.

But as of now, I'm still just staring at the box.  Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.  Maybe.

I. MUST. RESIST.

This is sitting in my linen closet.  ONE pregnancy test left.  I am not going to test before my beta tomorrow.  I didn't last transfer, and I will not again this time.

Temptation in the linen closet!

Only ONE day left to my beta test.

I. MUST. RESIST.

Beta #1

I went to my local clinic for my beta this morning.  It was busy at the clinic as I'm sure lots of other people were like me, having to do the beta first thing Monday morning after the holiday weekend.

After waiting anxiously, I finally got the call from Katie, the NEDC nurse at a little past 3 pm.  My test came back positive.  TECHNICALLY, I am pregnant.  However, my hGC number only came in at 13.  NEDC likes to see the number at 75 by now.  So, it is not looking good.  For now, we are "cautiously optimistic", Katie's words.

Katie said sometimes the embryo may take a little longer to implant and therefore the number may be low.  However, I also know that I had cramping and spotting at 4 days past transfer, usually an indication that implantation was happening.  I'm fairly sure it's not delayed implantation.

So now we wait for my second beta that will take place on Wednesday.  If the number doubles then, then I may still be pregnant.  But honestly, though I know I should remain positive, I'm fairly sure this cycle is a bust.

The good news is this is the closest I've come to being pregnant.  In all my past IVFs and IUIs, my HCG numbers were 2 or less.  I even took a home pregnancy test to see if it would turn positive, since Katie said that I was technically pregnant.  But alas, it didn't show the 2nd line.  When Babe got home from work today, he saw a very faint second line, but that was hours after I took the test.  You are supposed to check only 2 minutes after.

So, we wait some more.  The bad news is I have to continue taking my pain in the ass PIO shots.  Only 2 more days.  I can do it!

Please continue to pray for me and my beta on Wednesday.   Though I'm sorely disappointed, I'm not giving up quite yet.

10dp5dt

Hi everyone!  First of all, I need to apologize for the late posting.  Especially after my transfer.  A lot has happened since my last post more than a week ago, so I wanted to get this out right away before I forget.  My only main excuse is that I have been sick.  I have this terrible cough that has gotten worse since I got back from my trip to TN.

Anyway, I still owe you a post about my transfer, but that will be another post.  I promise.

But here's what's been happening:

• Today I am 10dp5dt (10 days post 5 day transfer)
• According to this due date calculator, I am officially 4 weeks 1 day pregnant.  
• This week we had a beautiful funeral service for Babe's grandma.  Though it was a bitterly cold and windy day.
• On Sunday, which was 4dp5dt, I had some pretty strong cramping like my period was coming.  I also spotted for a day or so.  I believe this is a sign of the embryos implanting into my uterus.  It's a good sign!  I don't think I've ever had implantation cramping or spotting before in my previous IVFs.
• My PIO shots have been getting better.  I think we in the beginning we were injecting a little too low and I was sitting on my injection sites.  Now we are aiming a little higher.  The other day, Babe hit a blood vessel on my left side.  I knew something was wrong right away because the shot hurt.  He found blood when he drew the plunger up to check for blood.  He just pulled the needle out and injected another site.  Fortunately no blood shot out like I've heard in some stories.  However, that left a HUGE bump and a nasty bruise.  It still hurts after a few days but has gotten a little better.  Then on my other (right) side, one of the injection sites left a huge lump.  Not huge in diameter, but it was tall/high.  I have nicknamed this bump "Mount Vesuvius" (don't ask me why).   I was sure everyone could see I have this lump through my pants.  This too has gotten better after a few days.  But between those two huge lumps, and the other twice daily shots, I constantly feel like someone stuck 2 bean bags down the back of my pants!
• I have not been able to sleep well since I started my PIO shots.  Because of my sore butt, I have been trying to sleep on my front which does not work for me at all.  Every so often I am able to fall asleep on my side without laying my injection sites.  This means I sleep in a weird angle, and my back has been sore.  And when I wake up in the mornings, my back and butt are just so sore I can barely walk.  In addition, because of my weird sleeping angle, I've had cramps in my left calf in the middle of the night or in the morning.  Those are still sore till this day.
• We have had to tell both my brother-in-law (Babe's brother) and his wife about our embryo adoption.  Babe went hunting last weekend and this weekend, so BIL and SIL have been my backup shot givers.  They are both nurses and live not too far away, so they were the best choice for us.  We made them promise not to tell anyone about this, unless/until it works.
• Currently I am sick.  If you remember, I had a cough that would not go away, and I was worried it would impact my surgery and transfer.  After we got back from our trip to NEDC, my cough worsened.  It is so bad, it sounds terrible and super loud, it's scary.  It's also different from before because this time, there is wheezing comes from deep in my chest.  And when I cough my whole body is just so worn out.  I went to the doctor's the other day and because there I may be pregnant, they could not do a chest x-ray on me.  Instead, they drew my blood and did a white blood cell count instead.  The count was elevated indicating I had a bacterial infection.  So they sent me home with antibiotics, nebulizers and an inhaler.  I go back on Wednesday for a follow up appointment, but to be honest, I have not felt any better.   I hope things get better soon because I am so worn out from all the coughing.
• With me being sick, we stayed home for Thanksgiving this year.  This is the first time we have not spent the Thanksgiving holiday with family or friends.  But it was nice because I got to just rest and not worry about infecting others with my cough.
• My beta is scheduled for 10:30 am on Monday.  Because of the Thanksgiving holiday, I have to wait until Monday instead of Friday.  I have not tested at home yet though I could have yesterday.  And to be honest, I don't really have a desire to test.  Maybe because I am sick.  But mostly because I have had negative experiences with POAS.  I used to always get my period an hour or so right after I POAS.  So, I'm just going to wait it out.  It's hard because just about every gal on the embryo adoption/donation group on FB who tested at home or had their betas are pregnant.  Here I'm thinking, someone's gonna have to be the statistic.  Someone has to have the negative pregnancy test.  It's probably going to be me Plus I have not had ANY pregnancy symptoms.  None.  Nada.  Zip.  But I am also aware a lot of people don't have any symptoms until much later.  So in the mean time, I am going to try enjoy being PUPO.

You may notice that I edited a few of my last posts.  Babe is concerned that I had too many identifying information and circumstances, so I edited it to keep the posts confidential.  It's hard to blog anonymously while trying to give a complete story.

Anyway, I will be working on my much delayed post about my transfer at NEDC next.  Stay tuned!

I Took A Pregnancy Test

Yup, you read that right.  I took a pregnancy test today.

No, let me rephrase that.  I HAD to take a pregnancy test today.

You may remember in my last post I mentioned how I was a little concerned because I am supposed to STOP taking my BCPs (birth control pills) next Friday 10/25.  But I have not even started taking them yet because I still have not gotten my period since I stopped taking Estrace on 9/18 when my September transfer was cancelled.  I had asked Katie, the NEDC IVF nurse about it last Friday when I received the protocol.  She was not worried about it and said it is fine as long as I start my BCPs when my period started.  So, a week later and still no period, so I called Katie today and asked her about it again. Since it has been a month (minus one day) since I stopped Es.trace, she told me to take a pregnancy test, just in case.  If it was negative then start the BCPs today.  Well, I'm pretty sure I am not pregnant.  I even told Babe that I'd bet $100 that I'm not and he refused to take me up on it.  Smart guy.

I had to run to Tar.get to buy myself a pregnancy test kit.  Gosh I don't even remember the last time I bought one since I have always been pretty adamant about not peeing on a stick after my IVFs.  I think I threw out the last kit I had since it had long since expired.  I bought the cheapest Tar.get brand kit I could find.  Well what do you know.......I'm not pregnant.

So I started my BCPs today.  I will be taking it for only 8 days, and then will stop.  My period is supposed to come after that, and hopefully I will not still be bleeding (if I get a period at all) when I have my surgery on the 31st, 6 days later.  So, today was kind of exciting.... me taking a home pregnancy test.  I almost forgot how to do it and had to read the instructions again.

I had an interesting day yesterday.  When I cancelled our trip out to Knoxville in September, we had to cancel our flights too.  We currently have about $550 in credit with Delta airlines for those tickets.  Someone on the Face.book embryo adoption/donation group suggested I try calling Delta to see if I can get my rebooking fee of $200 per person waived due to medical reasons.  So I called Travelocity whom I booked our travel package with to see if I could do that.  After being on hold for about 15 minutes, I spoke to "Mike", and then was transferred to "Jerry".   We all know I was neither speaking to a Mike nor a Jerry as I was quite obviously speaking to someone in India!  I asked "Jerry" if I could speak to someone about waiving my rebooking fees as I had to cancel my travel plans due to medical reason.  I explained to him my procedure was cancelled due to a medical reason, and I had to have surgery first.  He asked why I didn't tell them about it before when I cancelled back in September.  I said nobody asked me why I was canceling.  I had only heard about Delta sometimes waiving fees due to medical reasons after the fact.  Then he put me on hold and contacted Delta.

He came back and asked me to provide information about the hospital and doctor information.  I tried to ask him which information he needed, the clinic where I was supposed to go for my transfer in Knoxville, or the hospital that I will need surgery from.  I have to say I was getting pretty frustrated and annoyed because not only was I having a hard time understanding him, he kept interrupting me.  I finally gave him NEDC's info and Dr. Keenan's name and clinic information.

The next thing he said totally surprised me.  Because I said "National Embryo Donation Center" and "Southeastern Center for Fertility and Reproductive Surgery" (Dr. Keenan's practice), he said don't worry ma'am', everything will be alright.  I was taken aback for a bit.  Did he just say what I thought he said?  He said him and his wife has gone through that before and everything will be OK, whatever "that" means.  He put me on hold again and spoke to Delta on the other line.  I kept thinking, don't tell me everything is going to be alright.  You don't know that everything is going to be alright.  You don't even know what I am going through.  What did YOU go through?  IVF? Donated eggs?  Adopted embryos?  Maybe things turned out well for you, but does not mean it will for me!  I was starting to get really annoyed.

When he came back, he said he will transfer me to someone from Delta and they will waive the rebooking fees.  Again he said don't worry ma'am, everything will be alright.  I was ready to hang up on him, and was so happy to finally speak to someone from Delta instead.   I know that "Jerry" said that with good intentions, but I didn't want to hear it from him.  Especially when he knows nothing about me nor what I am going through.   I think it was unprofessional of him to say something like that.  What do you think?  Babe thinks it was no big deal, that "Jerry" could relate since he had similar experience, and was probably just trying to be helpful.  I still think it was unprofessional.  Maybe I'm being too emotional.

Well at least the good news is I now don't have to pay the $200 rebooking fees on those tickets when we are ready to use them.

And FedEx brought this today.  My 14 day Lu.pron kit.  I start on Monday.

New Cycle

AF arrived today.  She's a day late.  I had a 29-day cycle this time, which gave me some hope, though short lived.  Even though I thought about POAS, I resisted, considering my experience with POAS.  Why waste the money on a HPT test, right?

I knew this cycle was a bust.  I was experiencing some pretty bad headaches last couple of days.  At first I thought I was coming down with something.  Then I realized it was most probably PMS.

In a way, I was hoping (again) that this last cycle would have been our "miracle month", you know the one you actually conceive while taking a break from treatments.  I think all of us go through this, hoping for a miracle during our "break".  Though deep down, we all know that we are never truly on a break from TTC.

So I'm onto a new cycle, but not much going on this month either. Still waiting to hear back from the clinic on the results of the Karotype testing.   Hopefully I will hear back in a couple of weeks.

Still Late

Technically I am on CD31, 3 days late.  I am usually never late, almost always 28 days exactly, except for last month where I was 5 days late.

I did catch a cold yesterday/today.  Maybe that's why I'm late.  Not sure, still I'm not a happy camper.  I just want AF to show up and be done with it.

This cold is beating me down!  My head hurts, my throat is sore, I'm all stuffed up, I'm losing my voice, and my nose is redder than Rudolph!  Being sick sucks!!  What a way to start a new year.

I don't plan on POAS.  I already got my digital "Not Pregnant".  I't sure she will show up soon.

Cheers To the New Year

Well we rang in the new year with wine coolers.  After our nice dinner and show at church, we decided to skip the band and came home. I got into my PJs and we watched Iron Man which I got DH for Christmas.  Since AF had not showed up, I decided to POAS.

Gosh, I can't remember the last time I POAS.  It's been a really long time.  This is the first time using a digital test too, pretty cool.  The last time I struggled with the decision to POAS because I was hoping that there was a possibility that it would be a BFP.  I was 5 days late then.  Of course as expected, not long after I POAS, AF came.  This time, I was not so optimistic about it.  I even had a few sips of wine during Christmas.  So I was not surprised when the stick showed "Not Pregnant".  


This time I took a picture of it.  That's one way to usher in a new year!

So, I opened up a bottle of wine cooler and ushered in the New Year.  It has been more than 17 hours since I POAS but still no sign of AF.  I'm sure she will be here soon.  I think I'll have another drink tonight.

Final 2009 Trip to Target: PG Test + OPK + Wine Coolers!

I just got home from Target, after my last trip to the Y for the year (I have to confess I have not gone enough!).  Among other things, I picked up the following:

• PG Test
• OPK
• Sangria wine coolers

Interesting combination, huh?  I figured I'd use at least one of these tonight.

AF was/is still supposed to show up today.  I woke up in the wee hours this morning with a major cramp in my abdomen.  It felt like your regular AF cramps, but it was constant and much more intense, painful actually.  I felt like my uterus was about to fall out, but yet it was hanging tightly for dear life.  It was so intense I felt almost sick to my stomach and had to sit on the toilet for a few minutes.  For a while I thought I was going to have to go potty, but nothing (sorry TMI?).  The intense cramping finally went away (thankfully), and I went back to bed.  I don't think I've ever felt anything like this before.   I put on a pad just in case I had a major AF blowout.  I'd hate to throw away a good pair of panties!  Since then, no sign of AF.

I'm getting ready to head out to church for a nice fancy dinner and show, and then to ring in the new year with a Christian band at church.  If AF does not show up by the time I'm home, I think I'll POAS.  If it's a BFN, I'll have myself a wine cooler or two.  No need to waste a good reason to have a drink since it is New Year's eve and all.

On another note, I reconfirmed my appointment with the RE for January 13th today.  Exactly 2 weeks to our appointment!  So looking forward to that!

Here's wishing everyone a Happy New Year, and may 2010 bring you peace, joy, happiness and the desires of your hearts!!

Game Over

Game over.  AF won.   I lost.  I have been defeated.  Again.

Well, at least I did not POAS!

AF came this morning.  I felt the familiar feeling last night before bed, some cramping and the feeling of dampness.  Just to be safe, I wore a pad to bed last night.  Actually I have been wearing panty liners for the last 5 days!

How annoying!  First you think you AF is here early with the cramping and all (see earlier post).  Then all the major AF cramping stops and AF still has not shown up, so you think "oh maybe this is the month".  Just when my hopes are starting to go up, and I even googled "cramping in early pregnancy", that darn AF makes her unwelcome visit.  Can someone please hold her down and shoot her??

So my cycle was 32 days this time.  Almost a new record for me.  I looked through my Palm and found that the last time I thought I could possibly be pregnant was September 2004.  DH and I were going to Toronto for a friend's wedding and AF was late.  I actually took a HPT that turned up a BFN.  Then took another HPT 3 days later and got another BFN.  Even took a Beta test right before I left for Toronto.  In the end AF was 9 days late.

9 days!!  I was so sure I was pregnant!  I could not believe it when I called the clinic from the hotel in Toronto to find out the result and the nurse told me it was a BFN.  Of course AF shows up in Toronto while we were on vacation.    Unbelievable!

This time, I was cautiously optimistic, but deep down I didn't think this would be the month.  See my previous posting here.  So now we have to move on to the next month.  Welcome CD1.

Of course DH decided to surprise me last night with the news that he might be traveling to CA for a few days for work on the 14th.  Well what do you know?  It's right smack in the middle of my O window! That's the great!  December would most probably be the last month for us to try "naturally" before seeing the RE again in January.

Oh who am I kidding?  We've been trying "naturally" for 6 years and nothing's happened yet.

I was toying with the idea that I might go with him to CA.  You know, I could do some sightseeing during the day while he is at work, and then get busy with BD at night.  DH is not too keen about it since he would be traveling with a few other guys and having a wife tag along may not be most desirable.  Oh heck!  Not another wasted month!

I need a drink!!  Now that AF's here, I can actually have one.  Yippeee.....

A strawberry margarita sounds pretty good right now.  Maybe have some sushi too.

Technically Late, Maybe.

Technically, I'm late.

It's December 1st and technically my cycle is 30 days so far.  I can't remember the last time I had a 30 day cycle.  It's been mostly 28 days, with a couple of 26, 27 and 29 days.  Could this be the month?

It's too early to tell.  Actually I'm too chicken to find out. For now at least.

I refuse to POAS! 

I can't remember the last time I POAS.

It's too nerve wrecking! 

I refuse to spend the money on a HPT only to find out it's a BFN! I've only had BFNs so far!

It seems like every time I POAS, AF comes within an hour or two!  "Afraid you might be pregnant?  Need to bring on AF?  Go on, POAS!  AF will come! Guaranteed!"  That sounds like a great marketing slogan, don't you think?

I doubt this is the month for a  BFP anyway.  I had been sick this month.  I think missed the Ov window.  Instead of the usual Clearplan OPKs, I used the cheaper Target brand OPK.  Couldn't read that dang thing! One day the line was just starting to show a faint line.  Then the next, the line was gone!  What the heck!  I learned my lesson there.  Don't buy the cheap OPK, if you want a baby, get the good stuff.

On the other hand, a few days ago, I started getting strong cramps like AF was coming.  You know, the ones you get on the day AF arrives and you feel like your uterus is gonna fall out?  I thought, shoot, AF's early again this month!  I kept checking and waiting, but nope, no sign of AF.  Yay!  I'm still getting a few minor tugs here and there, but nothing like the AF cramps.  So that's a good sign, right? Implantation symptoms, maybe?

In the mean time, I am trying to distract myself from thinking about it too much.  This year, I joined the Christmas production at our church.  We had our first 4-hour full dress rehearsal tonight and it went well, for the most part.  Tomorrow night (oh wait, I guess it is tonight!  I have to quit blogging so late!) will be another full dress rehearsal, then the shows start on Thursday.  I will be busy all of this and next weekend.

Back to being technically late, I am sticking to NOT POAS!! 

Unless I can't stand it anymore. 

Or AF shows her ugly head.
Whichever happens first.  Any bets on which will be first?

Stay tuned.....