New Cycle

AF arrived today.  She's a day late.  I had a 29-day cycle this time, which gave me some hope, though short lived.  Even though I thought about POAS, I resisted, considering my experience with POAS.  Why waste the money on a HPT test, right?

I knew this cycle was a bust.  I was experiencing some pretty bad headaches last couple of days.  At first I thought I was coming down with something.  Then I realized it was most probably PMS.

In a way, I was hoping (again) that this last cycle would have been our "miracle month", you know the one you actually conceive while taking a break from treatments.  I think all of us go through this, hoping for a miracle during our "break".  Though deep down, we all know that we are never truly on a break from TTC.

So I'm onto a new cycle, but not much going on this month either. Still waiting to hear back from the clinic on the results of the Karotype testing.   Hopefully I will hear back in a couple of weeks.

AF and Toxic People

AF arrived this morning.  Today is also the 9th day of 20 units of Lu.pron in the mornings, and 5th day after my last BCP.  For some reason, I kept thinking that I would not be getting AF this time, even though the nurse specifically wrote "bleed" in my calendar on days after my last BCP.  Not sure what I was thinking.

Tomorrow, I have an appointment scheduled for and ultrasound and blood work.  I'm hoping that all goes well so I can start my Me.nopur and Follis.tim shots on Friday.

We just received our federal income taxes refund in the mail today.  It's going directly into our bank account tomorrow!

Last night, my Babe told me that he finally told his best Buddy that we have been trying for a kid for 6 years.  "Buddy" and my Babe were winter camping on Saturday with some boy scouts.  The slept outside, yes in the MN winter, and were chatting till 2 in the morning.  Buddy was telling him all the crap that he as dealing with his daughter's mother (Buddy had a daughter when he was in college, but did not marry his daughter's mother) over trying to have his daughter over the weekends.  Buddy is now married with a 2 1/2 year old daughter.  Of course they got married a few years after us, and they got pregnant about 6 months into their marriage.

Anyway, after Buddy told my Babe about all his troubles, he asked so when are you guys having kids?  Since he just poured his heart out, Babe felt bad and told him yeah, we have actually been trying for 6 years, but he didn't want to get into any details.  I have to say though that I think this is the first time Buddy has actually asked my Babe over the 7 plus years we have been married, this question.  So at I appreciate that he is not nosy, or least didn't pry!  Buddy asked if we've tried any "help".  I guess Buddy and his brother T had discussed us not having kids and had talked about different kinds of treatments we could try.  T is completing residency as a medical doctor and thinks he is a know-it-all.  Without being real specific, my Babe just said, "we are way ahead of you!".  Hopefully we won't get any more questions from Buddy or T!  I don't want to go into any details!

So now, Buddy knows that we have been TTC for a while.  I'm kind of worried that he will tell his wife, which I'm sure he will.  See, I think if she knows, she will most probably tell a friend of ours, M.  We all used to do a weekly game night where we would get together to play board games.  M is one of those people my sister would call "toxic people" (I think it was an O.prah term).  People that sucks to be around, and you feel worse after being around them.

M and her hubby got married young, at 19.  They had an "oops baby" not long after.  M is the kind of person in which everything is about her.  About how smart she is, how she is the top of the class, how the world is trying to screw her over because they won't pay her the salary she thinks she deserves right out of college (it's ridiculous!)  They had another "oops baby" a few years ago, and she complained about it her whole pregnancy.  All she talked about was how she didn't want to be pregnant, how she didn't want another baby, how miserable her pregnancy was, how the one time they didn't use birth control they'd get pregnant; all this while we have been TTC for a few years, and around guys and women there were either not married, or pregnant.  She's the kind of person that expects her husband to do everything for her and the kids.  She also expects others to watch her kids when we are at game night, and lets them do whatever they want.  Worse yet, she would not discipline her kids because they are "so perfect".  She hates it when people tell her how to raise her kids, and then thinks they people with no kids know nothing about parenting!

Ughh!  She makes my blood boil just thinking about her!

Getting back to my original point, I'm worried that Buddy or his wife will tell M about our TTC issues which I would not be surprised if they did because they are pretty good friends.  We on the other hand have been avoiding M and her family in the last couple of years.  I just know that if M found out about our TTC issues, she would have lots of mean things to say, and would just drive me crazy!  I am still avoiding them, but it's just a matter of time before we meet again.  Hopefully by then we would be pregnant.  Even then, I'm sure she will have all kinds of advice to give.  In a sick sort of way, I am hoping that M would say something one of these day, I'll get super pissed off and finally just tell her off!!

Of course I can't always come up with the best things to say at the most important time, and will probably come up with something really lame!  Sigh......

IVF, Here We Come

AF arrived today.  She's actually on time.

I had been having slight cramping all day yesterday which I was trying to ignore as much as possible.  Last night, I noticed an itsy bitsy tiny bit of pink spotting when wiping, but again, tried to ignore it.  Some people experience spotting when AF is due, but still get pregnant.  But when I was in the shower last night, I lost it.  I was upset that AF was actually going to be here.  Again.

I was expecting her.  I knew she would be here, it was just a matter of whether she would be on time.  And yet, I was quite surprised at how emotional and sad I was that she was going show up again!

I don't know about you, but I do a lot of my thinking and crying in the shower.  Somehow it's easier to cry.  Maybe it's the sound of the water and the bathroom fan muffling my sobs (I don't like my Babe to see me cry).  Or the hot water washing down my face and body, comforting me while I cry.  Or that fact that I don't need to tissue to blow the snot out of my nose.  I know, that's gross.  More importantly I think the shower allows me to "cleanse" myself, to wash away all my icky burdens, sadness and grief, and watch them all go down the drain.  It always makes me feel better after a shower.  That's why, I always cry in the shower, or at least take a shower after I cry.

I guess I was in denial.  I was hoping I could be one of those lucky people I read about when googling "early pregnancy symptoms" where they were having cramps and were 100% sure their periods were here, but were surprised when it never did show.  Why couldn't I be one of those people.  To be honest, I go through this every month, hoping that the cramps are nothing, but deep down I know that AF is sure to show up.

After my shower, I decided to wear a pad to bed.  No point being in denial.  It was a good thing because AF showed up in full force during the night.

Remember the whole bo.obs discussion I had a few days ago?  Well now I just feel silly.

Today's CD1.  I'll call the clinic tomorrow to schedule my blood work and ultrasound.

IVF, here we come..........

Estimated IVF Timeline and the OPK Guessing Game

I managed to talk a nurse from Dr. Hopeful's clinic today.  If AF is on schedule (which is doubtful based on the last couple of months), she should be here January 31st or February 1st.  I would start birth control pills starting on day 2 or 3 of my next cycle, followed by shots for 2 to 3 weeks.

Currently, my Egg Retrieval is estimated to be sometime the week of March 15th.  Embryo Transfer will be 5 days later.  I am scheduled for a Saline Infused Sonogram and trial transfer on Feb 9th, and our nurses consultation will be Feb 16th.  Finally, things are starting to fall into place and I have a plan!  I'm such a planner.  I've already updated our calendars in our home office and on my Palm.  I've also started an "IVF Log".  It's just something that I am using to keep track of dates of visits, conversations with nurses, notes, future appointments, next steps, etc.  Help keep me organized and something to refer to when I need to remember what was said and done, by who, and when.  It can be overwhelming.

On another note, tonight I peed on a OPK, being that it is CD12 and this will be my absolute last chance of having a baby the normal way!

What the heck!  There was no line at all!  At least last night there was a faint line.  So I fished out yesterday's stick from the trash can to make sure I am not losing my mind.

Here's a picture of the two sticks.  The top is from yesterday, it has a very faint line but it was darker last night (you are supposed to read it 3 minutes after you pee on it).  The bottom one is from tonight and it has no line at all.  Why is that?  I'm only on CD12 so I don't think I ovulated yet.  The same thing happened to me a couple of cycles ago too.  I thought it was because I bought the cheaper generic Targ.et brand.  This month I used the good stuff, Clearb.lue.  I wonder if drinking a lot of water might affect it.  I did pee on the OPK after I got back from working out at a Zumb.a class the the Y.  So maybe drinking too much water can dilute your urine and no line appears?

I guess I will just have to pee on an OPK again tomorrow and see if the line magically appears again.

She's Here

AF finally arrived this morning after I woke up from my sleep.  I am not surprised by it, just glad it is finally here.  So it is CD1 today, not CD31.  Time to look forward to the next cycle.

I am still dealing with this dang cold.  So far, I am doing the following to help ease the symptoms:

• Sleeping with a humidifier, plus adding menthol vaporizer to it.
• Drinking home remedy of apple cider vinegar, lemon juice, honey, pinch of cayenne pepper and some warm water.  It's got quite a kick to it, but suppose to work wonders.  We'll see.
• Using the "nettie pot"/ sinus rinse.  I prefer the bottled kind.
• Taking Re.doxon, a vitamin C and zinc supplement that was given to me by my sister.  I guess it is not sold in the US.  It's supposed to be really good too.
• Taking Well.ness Formu.la, an herbal supplement that supposed to be help with your immune system.  The tablets smell really nasty, makes me gag each time I take it.
• Drinking lots of water.
• Made some good old chicken soup.  Will probably make more tomorrow.
• Taking Tylen.ol when I need it.
• Tried smelling some peppermint eucalyptus oil on a tissue last night, but could not smell a thing.  I could tell that my nose was inhaling something, but could not make out what the smell was.

Hope all these will help.  Did I mention I hate being sick?  I could use some more suggestions on how to deal with this cold.  Thanks!

Still Late

Technically I am on CD31, 3 days late.  I am usually never late, almost always 28 days exactly, except for last month where I was 5 days late.

I did catch a cold yesterday/today.  Maybe that's why I'm late.  Not sure, still I'm not a happy camper.  I just want AF to show up and be done with it.

This cold is beating me down!  My head hurts, my throat is sore, I'm all stuffed up, I'm losing my voice, and my nose is redder than Rudolph!  Being sick sucks!!  What a way to start a new year.

I don't plan on POAS.  I already got my digital "Not Pregnant".  I't sure she will show up soon.

Cheers To the New Year

Well we rang in the new year with wine coolers.  After our nice dinner and show at church, we decided to skip the band and came home. I got into my PJs and we watched Iron Man which I got DH for Christmas.  Since AF had not showed up, I decided to POAS.

Gosh, I can't remember the last time I POAS.  It's been a really long time.  This is the first time using a digital test too, pretty cool.  The last time I struggled with the decision to POAS because I was hoping that there was a possibility that it would be a BFP.  I was 5 days late then.  Of course as expected, not long after I POAS, AF came.  This time, I was not so optimistic about it.  I even had a few sips of wine during Christmas.  So I was not surprised when the stick showed "Not Pregnant".  


This time I took a picture of it.  That's one way to usher in a new year!

So, I opened up a bottle of wine cooler and ushered in the New Year.  It has been more than 17 hours since I POAS but still no sign of AF.  I'm sure she will be here soon.  I think I'll have another drink tonight.

Final 2009 Trip to Target: PG Test + OPK + Wine Coolers!

I just got home from Target, after my last trip to the Y for the year (I have to confess I have not gone enough!).  Among other things, I picked up the following:

• PG Test
• OPK
• Sangria wine coolers

Interesting combination, huh?  I figured I'd use at least one of these tonight.

AF was/is still supposed to show up today.  I woke up in the wee hours this morning with a major cramp in my abdomen.  It felt like your regular AF cramps, but it was constant and much more intense, painful actually.  I felt like my uterus was about to fall out, but yet it was hanging tightly for dear life.  It was so intense I felt almost sick to my stomach and had to sit on the toilet for a few minutes.  For a while I thought I was going to have to go potty, but nothing (sorry TMI?).  The intense cramping finally went away (thankfully), and I went back to bed.  I don't think I've ever felt anything like this before.   I put on a pad just in case I had a major AF blowout.  I'd hate to throw away a good pair of panties!  Since then, no sign of AF.

I'm getting ready to head out to church for a nice fancy dinner and show, and then to ring in the new year with a Christian band at church.  If AF does not show up by the time I'm home, I think I'll POAS.  If it's a BFN, I'll have myself a wine cooler or two.  No need to waste a good reason to have a drink since it is New Year's eve and all.

On another note, I reconfirmed my appointment with the RE for January 13th today.  Exactly 2 weeks to our appointment!  So looking forward to that!

Here's wishing everyone a Happy New Year, and may 2010 bring you peace, joy, happiness and the desires of your hearts!!

Game Over

Game over.  AF won.   I lost.  I have been defeated.  Again.

Well, at least I did not POAS!

AF came this morning.  I felt the familiar feeling last night before bed, some cramping and the feeling of dampness.  Just to be safe, I wore a pad to bed last night.  Actually I have been wearing panty liners for the last 5 days!

How annoying!  First you think you AF is here early with the cramping and all (see earlier post).  Then all the major AF cramping stops and AF still has not shown up, so you think "oh maybe this is the month".  Just when my hopes are starting to go up, and I even googled "cramping in early pregnancy", that darn AF makes her unwelcome visit.  Can someone please hold her down and shoot her??

So my cycle was 32 days this time.  Almost a new record for me.  I looked through my Palm and found that the last time I thought I could possibly be pregnant was September 2004.  DH and I were going to Toronto for a friend's wedding and AF was late.  I actually took a HPT that turned up a BFN.  Then took another HPT 3 days later and got another BFN.  Even took a Beta test right before I left for Toronto.  In the end AF was 9 days late.

9 days!!  I was so sure I was pregnant!  I could not believe it when I called the clinic from the hotel in Toronto to find out the result and the nurse told me it was a BFN.  Of course AF shows up in Toronto while we were on vacation.    Unbelievable!

This time, I was cautiously optimistic, but deep down I didn't think this would be the month.  See my previous posting here.  So now we have to move on to the next month.  Welcome CD1.

Of course DH decided to surprise me last night with the news that he might be traveling to CA for a few days for work on the 14th.  Well what do you know?  It's right smack in the middle of my O window! That's the great!  December would most probably be the last month for us to try "naturally" before seeing the RE again in January.

Oh who am I kidding?  We've been trying "naturally" for 6 years and nothing's happened yet.

I was toying with the idea that I might go with him to CA.  You know, I could do some sightseeing during the day while he is at work, and then get busy with BD at night.  DH is not too keen about it since he would be traveling with a few other guys and having a wife tag along may not be most desirable.  Oh heck!  Not another wasted month!

I need a drink!!  Now that AF's here, I can actually have one.  Yippeee.....

A strawberry margarita sounds pretty good right now.  Maybe have some sushi too.

Technically Late, Maybe.

Technically, I'm late.

It's December 1st and technically my cycle is 30 days so far.  I can't remember the last time I had a 30 day cycle.  It's been mostly 28 days, with a couple of 26, 27 and 29 days.  Could this be the month?

It's too early to tell.  Actually I'm too chicken to find out. For now at least.

I refuse to POAS! 

I can't remember the last time I POAS.

It's too nerve wrecking! 

I refuse to spend the money on a HPT only to find out it's a BFN! I've only had BFNs so far!

It seems like every time I POAS, AF comes within an hour or two!  "Afraid you might be pregnant?  Need to bring on AF?  Go on, POAS!  AF will come! Guaranteed!"  That sounds like a great marketing slogan, don't you think?

I doubt this is the month for a  BFP anyway.  I had been sick this month.  I think missed the Ov window.  Instead of the usual Clearplan OPKs, I used the cheaper Target brand OPK.  Couldn't read that dang thing! One day the line was just starting to show a faint line.  Then the next, the line was gone!  What the heck!  I learned my lesson there.  Don't buy the cheap OPK, if you want a baby, get the good stuff.

On the other hand, a few days ago, I started getting strong cramps like AF was coming.  You know, the ones you get on the day AF arrives and you feel like your uterus is gonna fall out?  I thought, shoot, AF's early again this month!  I kept checking and waiting, but nope, no sign of AF.  Yay!  I'm still getting a few minor tugs here and there, but nothing like the AF cramps.  So that's a good sign, right? Implantation symptoms, maybe?

In the mean time, I am trying to distract myself from thinking about it too much.  This year, I joined the Christmas production at our church.  We had our first 4-hour full dress rehearsal tonight and it went well, for the most part.  Tomorrow night (oh wait, I guess it is tonight!  I have to quit blogging so late!) will be another full dress rehearsal, then the shows start on Thursday.  I will be busy all of this and next weekend.

Back to being technically late, I am sticking to NOT POAS!! 

Unless I can't stand it anymore. 

Or AF shows her ugly head.
Whichever happens first.  Any bets on which will be first?

Stay tuned.....