Sunday, January 31, 2010

IVF, Here We Come

AF arrived today.  She's actually on time.

I had been having slight cramping all day yesterday which I was trying to ignore as much as possible.  Last night, I noticed an itsy bitsy tiny bit of pink spotting when wiping, but again, tried to ignore it.  Some people experience spotting when AF is due, but still get pregnant.  But when I was in the shower last night, I lost it.  I was upset that AF was actually going to be here.  Again.

I was expecting her.  I knew she would be here, it was just a matter of whether she would be on time.  And yet, I was quite surprised at how emotional and sad I was that she was going show up again!

I don't know about you, but I do a lot of my thinking and crying in the shower.  Somehow it's easier to cry.  Maybe it's the sound of the water and the bathroom fan muffling my sobs (I don't like my Babe to see me cry).  Or the hot water washing down my face and body, comforting me while I cry.  Or that fact that I don't need to tissue to blow the snot out of my nose.  I know, that's gross.  More importantly I think the shower allows me to "cleanse" myself, to wash away all my icky burdens, sadness and grief, and watch them all go down the drain.  It always makes me feel better after a shower.  That's why, I always cry in the shower, or at least take a shower after I cry.

I guess I was in denial.  I was hoping I could be one of those lucky people I read about when googling "early pregnancy symptoms" where they were having cramps and were 100% sure their periods were here, but were surprised when it never did show.  Why couldn't I be one of those people.  To be honest, I go through this every month, hoping that the cramps are nothing, but deep down I know that AF is sure to show up.

After my shower, I decided to wear a pad to bed.  No point being in denial.  It was a good thing because AF showed up in full force during the night.

Remember the whole bo.obs discussion I had a few days ago?  Well now I just feel silly.

Today's CD1.  I'll call the clinic tomorrow to schedule my blood work and ultrasound.

IVF, here we come..........


  1. Sweetie we have all wished to be "that woman" who gets pregnant as she waits for IVF, unfortunately this happens to very few women!I know two of them and I could not be happier for them! But for the rest of us IVF is the only way we'll get pregnant.. what you have to remember as you start, is that with a new cycle comes hope and faith that this cycle will be the one that works!! I will root for you and cannot wait to see your "I am pregnant" post!!!

  2. I'm a shower-crier too. I think it's the perfect place to think and get everything out. Plus when your done, your eyes aren't all red and puffy :)

  3. ******hugs******

    you're in my thoughts. I can hear your cry and feel your pain. This is a tough journey but you have us to hold your hand.

    From one shower crier to another :-)

  4. If I had a dollar for every pregnancy test I've taken right before my period was due I would be able to retire.

    You're not alone, we are all hoping that somehow someway we will get pregnant the "old-fashioned" way.

  5. I feel the same way. I am hoping that I am one of "those" girls that gets pregnant on the break cycle before IVF. Unfortunatly I can feel AF coming, so I am right behind you!! Here's to hoping IVF makes both of us a mommmy!!

  6. So sorry! I felt the same way before we did IVF. I was so hopeful that I would be one of "those" that just got pregnant on an off cycle.

    I hope everything works out for you on your IVF journey!

  7. *hugs* I'm sorry. I'm thinking happy thoughts for you. You know, I do MOST of my crying in the shower! I don't really know why either but it seems to be the place where all of my emotions let loose so I understand what you mean!!1

  8. Personally, I'm a bath girl *lol* In all seriousness, I'm so sorry about AF. I hate her!

    Thinking of you as you begin this IVF cycle.

  9. So sorry about AF, but I'm so excited for you as you begin this cycle!

  10. Please don't feel silly about hoping you were having pregnancy symptoms! I consider it one of life's cruel jokes that AF and pregnancy have so many similar symptoms. It is understandable to let yourself be tricked by them, especially when you are so hopeful. I'm sorry it was AF, but hoping that there will soon be reason to celebrate as you begin the steps toward IVF!

    P.S. Lots of tears have gone down my shower drain as well.

  11. Shower and car, those are my go-to spots to can really just let it out. I'm so sorry about AF, but am so excited for you as you begin your IVF cycle.

  12. I'm with you on just hoping that this once would be 'the' time! And I'm a shower crier too and I like not needing tissue too! I'm praying your IVF cycle is a huge success and that you have much to celebrate in the near future!!!

  13. See I made it over here too! Sorry bout AF, but at least now you can move on and get started with IVF. I always enjoy reading your posts, wherever they are! Good luck & sending you well wishes & a big hug!

  14. Oh how I relate to the repeated disappointment. Like you, I know AF's arriving in red stilletos, but its so hard to face the reality when you can cling to HOPE. And, when you see/feel some little signs it just wreaks havoc on your mind. It's all just so unfair and I'm so sorry you have to see another CD 1.

    However, on a much happier note, I'm sending you tons of baby dust as you prepare for IVF and will be praying for you to see that + sign very soon :)

    Many Hugs sweet Friend

  15. I'm so sorry. As much as we expect it, there is always a glimmer of hope and it never hurts any less.

    I cry in the shower, too...very comforting.

    Looking forward to taking the IVF journey with you and sending you lots and lots of positive and successful vibes.