Thursday, August 5, 2010

Envy, Also Known As the "Why Not Me?" Post

Envy.

It's a sneaky little monster that sneaks up on you when you are least expecting it.  Even when you know it's there, it still surprises you when it shows it face.
(Image from here)

It's been almost a week since my BFN, and this sneaky little bugger has been popping up a lot.

I have been finding at least a few bloggers that have received wonderful news that they got a BFP.  That is great news for them, but why not me?

Reading some of your once-TTC-but-now-pregnant blogs has been difficult.  Seeing pictures of beautiful baby bellies, ultrasound pictures, hearing heartbeats, rising beta numbers, nursery pictures.  All wonderful things, things that I had hoped that I would be experiencing soon.  But not so.  Why not me?

Even reading posts about people currently going through IVF has not been easy.  Why are some people able to produce good number of eggs, eggs that fertilize, continue to grow into beautiful blastocysts and able to transfer good looking embryos?  Some even have extra embryos to freeze.  But no, not me.

Two nights ago, a good friend of mine, a high school friend, had to break the news to me that she is pregnant.  Somehow, I knew that was coming.  And to be very honest, I am very happy for her.  Like REALLY happy for her.

She had endured infertility for a few years, and had a miscarriage once too.  She was really in the depths of depression and could not afford fertility treatments.  But after lots of praying and trying, she was able to conceive naturally.  Her son is now 1 1/2 years old.  This time, her pregnancy was unplanned.  She was really hoping that I would be pregnant from this last IVF, so we could be pregnant together.  She held off on telling me until she found out it didn't work.  She was so sad for me, and was afraid to tell me that she is pregnant.  She was afraid it would hurt my feelings.

That is one of the sad thing about us infertiles.  At least in my experience, I want people to be sensitive to my infertility, but yet, I don't want people to treat me any differently.  I don't want people to be walking on egg shells around me all the time.  I want my friend to be able to share her good news with me without feeling guilty or afraid of hurting my feelings.  But yet, I expect people to be sensitive with news like that around me.  Makes me feel like someone with schizophrenia!  It saddens me that my friends have to be so careful around me.

Anyway, I am really happy for my friend that she is pregnant.  I'm not saying it is easy for me, but it really is good news.

At first when I was writing this post, I couldn't decide whether what I am feeling is envy or is it jealousy.  So I looked up the dictionary (Oxford American dictionary).

Envy: a feeling of discontent or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities or luck.

Jealous: feeling or showing of envy of someone or their achievements and advantages

Envious implies wanting something that belongs to another, and to which one has no particular right or claim.

Jealous may refer to a strong feeling of envy.

I think Envy is more in line with what I am feeling - wanting something that belongs to another, one that I have no right or claim to.   But jealousy would probably apply too.

10 comments:

  1. I hate this part too. It makes me feel like a bad person, as I think we are all socialized to be good girls who do not feel things like envy. I think that schizophrenic part is that nothing feels right now in this simplu terrible situation. There is no winning.
    I wish you continued healing as you make your way through this journey.
    Sending love your way.

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  2. my heart aches for you. It is very hard to have to battle between what your heart feels and what you brain tells you what you should do/feel. I certainly pray for healing and for God to send angels your way to comfort and guide you.

    love you and will be praying for you.

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  3. A very dear friend explained these feelings to me. She pointed out that when we have struggled immensely and suffered alot. Now, we see things in "layers". Nothing is strait forward anymore, we analyze things more deeply and our emotions refelect the layers of the thought process.

    We no longer see those things we desire as desirable unless they pertain to our own situation. It's complicated, all of these feelings, but also normal.

    SO, count me in on being Envious! I'm glad you pointed out the difference between envy and jealousy.

    Above and beyond anything, please know that I pray for you and I pray for peace of heart for you. I know this is beyond difficult...you have walked this road with such grace and I'm grateful to know you.

    Keep writing and sharing your honest emotions, as that is very healing. Just get it out and know that we are here for you.

    Much Love

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  4. I found your blog through another blogger and my heart hurts for you! I am having those same feelings as I have a co-worker about to pop...it is so difficult to see her belly EVERY DAY and not want the same thing (stretch marks and all)! Know that people are praying for you!

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  5. I can completely relate to that scizophrenic feeling! I don't want to be left out, but I want to be treated sensitively at the same time. And in the end, I am grateful always when people are kind/ sensitive, but annoyed at the world that they have to be.

    I can completely relate to the pregnancy blogs. Most of them I've had to block for now, and I only check them when I feel up to it. I can completely relate to the feeling of jealousy at hearing someone get a zillion eggs at retrieval, or even being able to freeze some embryos. After 3 IVFs, the most I've ever had is 2. It's extremely frustrating to not be able to enjoy some of the advantages to IVF.

    It sounds like our cases are very similar. And I am sorry that you are experiencing something similar. Have you tried getting a second opinion yet? I did get a lot better quality with a different protocol.

    This sucks, and I am so sorry you have to feel this way. It's NOT fair. Even in infertility, I feel like there are varying levels of unfairness and when IVF starts to even not be great, it's an all new level of unfairness and even feeling of isolation.

    Feel free if you ever want to email me and talk.

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  6. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. IF does make us all feel envious of others. I know you are truly happy for your friend, but it still hurts.

    Praying that you will find strength through this.

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  7. Just five minutes ago a friend told me she is pregnant - it was unplanned and she is less than thrilled about it. So I'm pretty envious right now, too.

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  8. My heart goes out to you. Sometimes it is so hard to get our hearts and minds to be in sync. I often explain my jealousy/envy as my mind gets it and is truly happy but my heart breaks. Hang in there.

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  9. I have envy issues too and I am not very mature about it. I just delete people from my blog list when they get pregnant. I know it is awful but it hurts too much.

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  10. You said it perfectly, as if there's a perfect way to say "I don't want to be treated different, but I want people to be considerate." it's almost an oxymoron!

    I join you in the envy, it's just so hard to watch person after person get their happy ending and not wonder "why not me?"

    Just know you're not alone!! Sending love!

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