Envy, Also Known As the "Why Not Me?" Post

Envy.

It's a sneaky little monster that sneaks up on you when you are least expecting it.  Even when you know it's there, it still surprises you when it shows it face.

(Image from here)

It's been almost a week since my BFN, and this sneaky little bugger has been popping up a lot.

I have been finding at least a few bloggers that have received wonderful news that they got a BFP.  That is great news for them, but why not me?

Reading some of your once-TTC-but-now-pregnant blogs has been difficult.  Seeing pictures of beautiful baby bellies, ultrasound pictures, hearing heartbeats, rising beta numbers, nursery pictures.  All wonderful things, things that I had hoped that I would be experiencing soon.  But not so.  Why not me?

Even reading posts about people currently going through IVF has not been easy.  Why are some people able to produce good number of eggs, eggs that fertilize, continue to grow into beautiful blastocysts and able to transfer good looking embryos?  Some even have extra embryos to freeze.  But no, not me.

Two nights ago, a good friend of mine, a high school friend, had to break the news to me that she is pregnant.  Somehow, I knew that was coming.  And to be very honest, I am very happy for her.  Like REALLY happy for her.

She had endured infertility for a few years, and had a miscarriage once too.  She was really in the depths of depression and could not afford fertility treatments.  But after lots of praying and trying, she was able to conceive naturally.  Her son is now 1 1/2 years old.  This time, her pregnancy was unplanned.  She was really hoping that I would be pregnant from this last IVF, so we could be pregnant together.  She held off on telling me until she found out it didn't work.  She was so sad for me, and was afraid to tell me that she is pregnant.  She was afraid it would hurt my feelings.

That is one of the sad thing about us infertiles.  At least in my experience, I want people to be sensitive to my infertility, but yet, I don't want people to treat me any differently.  I don't want people to be walking on egg shells around me all the time.  I want my friend to be able to share her good news with me without feeling guilty or afraid of hurting my feelings.  But yet, I expect people to be sensitive with news like that around me.  Makes me feel like someone with schizophrenia!  It saddens me that my friends have to be so careful around me.

Anyway, I am really happy for my friend that she is pregnant.  I'm not saying it is easy for me, but it really is good news.

At first when I was writing this post, I couldn't decide whether what I am feeling is envy or is it jealousy.  So I looked up the dictionary (Oxford American dictionary).

Envy: a feeling of discontent or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities or luck.

Jealous: feeling or showing of envy of someone or their achievements and advantages

Envious implies wanting something that belongs to another, and to which one has no particular right or claim.

Jealous may refer to a strong feeling of envy.

I think Envy is more in line with what I am feeling - wanting something that belongs to another, one that I have no right or claim to.   But jealousy would probably apply too.