This BFN sucks.
I hate that we are at the end of this road, that the road does not continue for another 9 months. I hate that all the hope we put into this cycle (and the last), ended with nothing. I hate that I can't join my SIL, other bloggers, and other "normal" people in the world in the pregnancy/motherhood club. I hate the thought that Babe and I may never have biological children. I hate that we don't know what our next steps are. Me being me, I just want to start planning for the next steps, and jump right in. It does not help that my 37th birthday is looming, coming up this weekend.
On the other hand, I am in a weird position. I am glad that I am currently not in TTC mode, though honestly I always am. It's nice to be in a position to not have to think and worry if this cycle is going to work, or what if it doesn't. Because I already know it didn't. It's refreshing to not have to think about what CD I'm in, when the next ovulation window is, etc. I am finally able to enjoy my sushi, white mochas, alcoholic cocktails (though I rarely drink), soft cheese, dairy, etc without worrying it's going to affect my cycle.
Having been TTC for 6 years, NOT being pregnant seems, though I hate to say it, normal. It's a familiar feeling. Dare I say a comfortable place?
Sometimes it feels good, because it's comfortable and familiar. But it's not a place I want to be in. It's like an old friend, that just won't go away.
After 6 years, we need a change. The question is, what kind of change?