It's Official

Well, it's official.  It's a BFN (Big Fat Negative, for those of you who are not fertility challenged).

Dr. Hopeful actually called me to give me the news.  She seemed sincerely sorry that this cycle didn't work out.  I actually like her more and more each time I talk to her, which is not very often.  I usually work with the nurses.

Anyway, based on my last cycle which resulted in no transfer, and this cycle where my embryos were slow in growing, she is convinced the issue is egg related.  Well, no big surprise here.  She did agree though that the quality of the 2 embryos were much better, although slow ( I didn't mention that I did acupuncture and Chinese herbs this time).  And she had no issue with access to either ovaries.

My options for next steps are 1) consider donor egg, which would increase our odds to about 60% (I think that's what she said), or 2) try another cycle with our own eggs.

I told her we would probably not consider donor egg.  Plus we will probably not be able to afford another round of IVF.  In the back of my mind, I was hoping she would offer to do another round for a discount or for free, though I know that was probably going to happen.  I was right.

She suggested I have a phone consult with Andrology Lab director about the outcome from this cycle.  The last time I spoke to Dr. Lab Director, we had a very good discussion and I found him very helpful.  I will try to speak to him again this time, maybe next week.

So what's next?

I have no clue.  We'll probably take some time off TTC.  OK, you know that never happens.  Those of us who are fertility challenged never really stop thinking about TTC.

One thing for sure, I'm off my "diet restriction".  Which means, bring on the margaritas, cocktails, sushi, white mochas, soft cheeses and whatever else my heart desires!  I see many happy hours in my near future!  Start back my Zum.ba class.  Maybe train for a 10K? Just kidding, that would never happen.

I'll probably be reducing the number of blogs that I follow.  I hope you understand if I stop following your blogs.  Or I may keep "following" but may not stay up to date in my readings.  I'm already WEEKs behind in my reading anyway.  I now need to think about what we want to do next, if anything, and focus my energy on reading only certain blogs.  It's getting too hard to read once-TTC-but-now-I'm-pregnant blogs.  I hope you understand.

I never did get my mani/pedi that I thought about doing during my 2ww.  Maybe throw in a massage, that sounds good.  I know this sounds really terrible, but because of this failure (again), I feel like I don't deserve it, you know what I mean?  I know I shouldn't think this way, but I do.  I should be getting a mani/pedi/massage because I am finally pregnant, not because I'm NOT.

Would we consider another round of IVF?  Probably not.  Maybe.  Who knows.  I think if cost was not an issue, I would be up for it.  Is it smart to even consider trying again using our own eggs, knowing there is egg quality issue?  Probably not.  But I feel like I should not give up.  We were so close, or at least it feels that way.

Today, after going in for my beta, I met up with Annie from Cradles and Graves.  We both had appointments at the clinic this morning, and we both have Dr. Hopeful as our REs.  It was nice to be able to chat about how our cycles are going (or went).  I found out that the company I interviewed with (which by the way, still have not made up their minds and are interviewing some more candidates!) is the same company her husband used to work for.  And they have excellent fertility coverage.  So who knows.  IF, and a very big IF I get offered a position there, we could consider another round.

Through our conversations, I also suddenly realized that I did not take my Vive.lle (estrogen) patches during my 2ww.  I thought, OMG, did I screw up my IVF by forgetting to take these?  How could I have forgotten?  How could I be so stupid?

When I got home, I checked my IVF handbook.  When I found out I was having a day-3 transfer instead of a day-5 transfer, I moved all my info (dates, etc) from the day-5 schedule page to the day-3 schedule page.  And there was nothing about those patches on the day-3 page.  When I spoke with Dr. Hopeful, I asked her if it made a difference that I didn't take those patches.  She said not to worry, they don't do patches for day-3 transfers.  Whew!  That gave me a scare.  So now I have no use for all these Vive.lle patches.  Maybe someday, when we decide we are done TTC, I will donate those to others.

So far, I am doing OK.  Yes, I'm sad and devastated, but I'm also doing OK.  I'm handling this better than the last cycle because at least with this cycle, I expected that was a possibility of a BFN.  With my last cycle I was not prepared to have my transfer cancelled.

So yes, I'm doing OK.  At least for now.  But I don't know how tonight, tomorrow, or next week will be.  I'm sure there will be some venting posts in the future.

Thanks for all your encouraging comments in my last few posts.  It's really hard getting a BFN, and many of you know how that feels.  But I'm still grateful for the many encouraging and supporting words.  They are much appreciated and needed.