Friday, July 30, 2010

It's Official

Well, it's official.  It's a BFN (Big Fat Negative, for those of you who are not fertility challenged).

Dr. Hopeful actually called me to give me the news.  She seemed sincerely sorry that this cycle didn't work out.  I actually like her more and more each time I talk to her, which is not very often.  I usually work with the nurses.

Anyway, based on my last cycle which resulted in no transfer, and this cycle where my embryos were slow in growing, she is convinced the issue is egg related.  Well, no big surprise here.  She did agree though that the quality of the 2 embryos were much better, although slow ( I didn't mention that I did acupuncture and Chinese herbs this time).  And she had no issue with access to either ovaries.

My options for next steps are 1) consider donor egg, which would increase our odds to about 60% (I think that's what she said), or 2) try another cycle with our own eggs.

I told her we would probably not consider donor egg.  Plus we will probably not be able to afford another round of IVF.  In the back of my mind, I was hoping she would offer to do another round for a discount or for free, though I know that was probably going to happen.  I was right.

She suggested I have a phone consult with Andrology Lab director about the outcome from this cycle.  The last time I spoke to Dr. Lab Director, we had a very good discussion and I found him very helpful.  I will try to speak to him again this time, maybe next week.

So what's next?

I have no clue.  We'll probably take some time off TTC.  OK, you know that never happens.  Those of us who are fertility challenged never really stop thinking about TTC.

One thing for sure, I'm off my "diet restriction".  Which means, bring on the margaritas, cocktails, sushi, white mochas, soft cheeses and whatever else my heart desires!  I see many happy hours in my near future!  Start back my Zum.ba class.  Maybe train for a 10K? Just kidding, that would never happen.

I'll probably be reducing the number of blogs that I follow.  I hope you understand if I stop following your blogs.  Or I may keep "following" but may not stay up to date in my readings.  I'm already WEEKs behind in my reading anyway.  I now need to think about what we want to do next, if anything, and focus my energy on reading only certain blogs.  It's getting too hard to read once-TTC-but-now-I'm-pregnant blogs.  I hope you understand.

I never did get my mani/pedi that I thought about doing during my 2ww.  Maybe throw in a massage, that sounds good.  I know this sounds really terrible, but because of this failure (again), I feel like I don't deserve it, you know what I mean?  I know I shouldn't think this way, but I do.  I should be getting a mani/pedi/massage because I am finally pregnant, not because I'm NOT.

Would we consider another round of IVF?  Probably not.  Maybe.  Who knows.  I think if cost was not an issue, I would be up for it.  Is it smart to even consider trying again using our own eggs, knowing there is egg quality issue?  Probably not.  But I feel like I should not give up.  We were so close, or at least it feels that way.

Today, after going in for my beta, I met up with Annie from Cradles and Graves.  We both had appointments at the clinic this morning, and we both have Dr. Hopeful as our REs.  It was nice to be able to chat about how our cycles are going (or went).  I found out that the company I interviewed with (which by the way, still have not made up their minds and are interviewing some more candidates!) is the same company her husband used to work for.  And they have excellent fertility coverage.  So who knows.  IF, and a very big IF I get offered a position there, we could consider another round.

Through our conversations, I also suddenly realized that I did not take my Vive.lle (estrogen) patches during my 2ww.  I thought, OMG, did I screw up my IVF by forgetting to take these?  How could I have forgotten?  How could I be so stupid?

When I got home, I checked my IVF handbook.  When I found out I was having a day-3 transfer instead of a day-5 transfer, I moved all my info (dates, etc) from the day-5 schedule page to the day-3 schedule page.  And there was nothing about those patches on the day-3 page.  When I spoke with Dr. Hopeful, I asked her if it made a difference that I didn't take those patches.  She said not to worry, they don't do patches for day-3 transfers.  Whew!  That gave me a scare.  So now I have no use for all these Vive.lle patches.  Maybe someday, when we decide we are done TTC, I will donate those to others.

So far, I am doing OK.  Yes, I'm sad and devastated, but I'm also doing OK.  I'm handling this better than the last cycle because at least with this cycle, I expected that was a possibility of a BFN.  With my last cycle I was not prepared to have my transfer cancelled.

So yes, I'm doing OK.  At least for now.  But I don't know how tonight, tomorrow, or next week will be.  I'm sure there will be some venting posts in the future.

Thanks for all your encouraging comments in my last few posts.  It's really hard getting a BFN, and many of you know how that feels.  But I'm still grateful for the many encouraging and supporting words.  They are much appreciated and needed.

26 comments:

  1. here via Annie

    So sorry to hear about your BFN. That is so hard. I said goodbye to the stirrups after my 2nd IVF resulted in a chemical pregnancy. I hope you are able to take a break if, as you said, that's possible.

    Thinking of you.

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  2. I know how hard a BFN is after an IVF cycle. Take some time to heal and pamper yourself!!

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  3. My heart is so heavy for you right now, as I understand so much of what you wrote. This process is just beginning for me, yet I fear all that you have endured. I suppose I am not even looking forward to the possibilities...its more like guarding my heart and just going through the motions. It's sad, but its my reality. If only it did not have to be this way.

    As for not following some blogs, let them go, and if I am one of the ones you elect to no longer read, I understand and appreciate the love and support you have passed along the way :) You have been such a blessing to me and I won't forget the many kind words you left for me in the early days when I was so blue. I pray that life evolves for you and brings you the miracle that you so deserve. In my mind, I try to look at the end as being a Mother, and I know that will happen, no matter the path that I take to get there. It may not be conventional, but as long as a special little someone calls me Mommy that is all that matters.

    The answers will come...take some time for yourself and indulge in you. Have those cocktails and get that mani and pedi :)

    Above anything else, know that I pray for you and ask that God hold you in his care. Lastly, I know one thing for sure, you WILL get your miracle :) Just keep the faith.

    Much love

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  4. I am so very, very sorry. (((hugs))))

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  5. I'm so sorry to hear the news and sad for you, my friend. Just know you didn't do anything wrong and you do deserve to treat yourself as each cycle is a long journey.

    Still praying that you will have a baby, however it happens.

    Call me for drinks and sushi and coffee...

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  6. I think pampering yourself with a mani/pedi and massage is a great idea. IVF is emotionally, physically, and mentally draining on your body. Regardless of the outcome you deserve to treat yourself. By the way I heard that Staples Office Supplies covers IVF. I've thought of applying so when they ask me why I want to work there I could tell them, to have a baby. Hugs

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  7. I am so sorry to hear your news! I hope that taking a break and enjoying life without restrictions helps you! I am thinking of you and wishing you the best!!

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  8. I'm so sorry.
    I hope the job works out and you end up with some fertility benefits.
    Enjoy your food and Zumba.

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  9. Sorry to hear the news. I thought about you all day and was hoping to find news of a BFP. Keep the faith. You just never know what's around the bend.

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  10. I'm so sorry about the BFN. Take time to grieve before making any decisions. It just sucks.

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  11. I am so sorry for your news. I had hoped and prayed for a bfp for you this time around. I completely understand why it would be difficult to read blogs like min, I couldn't either, but I'll keep on following you and I hope no matter what route you take next, that it'll bring you the happiness you so deserve. Thinking of you xxx

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  12. There are no words for just how sorry I am to hear this news. Please allow yourself to fully grieve this loss and let others around you love and support you right now. It's OK to not be OK.

    Talk to God. Question Him. Yell. Cry. Lean on Him; He can handle it. Prayers for you right at this moment and into the future as you and your dh listen to Him for your next steps.

    "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 (NLT)

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  13. you can use another big {{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}

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  14. So sorry. Even when you already know it's negative, it's hard to hear the official news. Good to know the Vivelle was not an issue, though.

    I hope you get the job and all the insurance $ that goes with it. They also help cover adoption - if you're interested I can give you the specifics. Make sure to link up with my hubby via LinkedIn and send me your resume - we can hook you up with lots of great contacts. I can also hook you up with a free massage if you're interested. My friend is going to a massage school and has to put in lots of hours of practice. I've been going to her and it's great!

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  15. Oh, I'm so, so, sorry! It is not uncommon for women to fail during the first couple of rounds. Many seem to hit it right on the third. I'm sorry that cost is also a concern. I recently read about Mini-IVF which costs a lot less and I blogged about it here:

    http://chasingpitterpatters.blogspot.com/2010/07/mini-ivf.html

    Maybe it's an option for you. Anyway, you're already doing the right thing and on track with TCM and acupuncture to help you get pregnant. Don't give up on it-you have the best chance of getting great eggs with that treatment, IVF or no IVF. Infact your doctor says that your eggs were better already, even with the short amount of time you had with the herbs and acup. I've been seeing BFPs at my TCM clinic a lot, so I know it works. Don't give up! Stay strong. (((HUGS)))

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  16. I'm sorry for the BFN. Sending you some hugs!

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  17. I'm just so sorry. I know there really aren't any other words so I won't even try. I'm just so very sorry.

    As for pulling from blogs...you do what you have to do to protect your precious and raw heart. The best thing about love and support is that you really don't have to always give it just to be able to get it...whether you are reading blogs or not, there are lots and lots of people who will continue to uphold you in their thoughts and prayers!!!

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  18. I'm so sorry for the BFN! Take the time that you need to heal. Enjoy all the things that you've put off during the 2ww. I hope and pray that you will get the new job and have fertility coverage. You never know what the future holds.

    I totally understand about cutting back on the blog reading. I think we've all been there. ((Hugs))

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  19. I'm so sorry about the BFN. :( I hope the job works out so maybe you can give it another shot.

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  20. I'm so sorry for your BFN. I just had a cancelled IVF. Fortunate I didn't have the 2WW, but sad about the sorry state of my eggs, too. There are no words. It is hard to know where to go from here.

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  21. So sorry to hear your cycle failed. There is nothing I can say to help make things easier, just allow yourself to feel what you feel and cope in the best way you know how. Hoping the job comes through and opens up options for you.

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  22. I am so sorry honey. It sucks serious hairballs.

    xxx

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  23. I call it the FUIF diet - alcohol, caffeine, chocolate, soft cheese, raw fish, etc.

    Enjoy!

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  24. I have been there where you don't where to turn next. We did in fact take time off even though it was very difficult. But it did allow some perspective. I'm doing my first giveaway. C'mon over. Maybe you will win some cute things. Hugs.

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  25. i'm oh so very sorry for your news. sorry i'm commenting late, but i read your news and am only now able to actually leave you a comment to let you know i've been thinking about you. ((( hugs )))

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