Thoughts On This IVF Cycle

In less than 10 hours,  I will have my beta test.  God, I hope this works.

To be honest, I am not feeling optimistic about this.  I am still spotting, and I am having much stronger period-like cramps.  I know, I know, I've read that many people swear their periods were coming and were shocked to find out there were pregnant.   It would be great if that were me, but honestly, I'm not optimistic.  I know I should stay positive, but it's hard.  I'm not sure what we would do if this doesn't work.

I have been very emotional the last couple of days.  I'm not sure if it's dealing with Jack's cancer surgery, being worn out from helping out, hormones, feeling really tired, or just knowing that the beta's coming up, and it could be the end of our journey.  I've been weepy and have had a hard time falling asleep the last couple of nights.  

I try not to think ahead, but I lay in bed wondering what if it didn't work, what then? Another round of IVF (probably not)?  Adoption?  Will our lives ever be full?

But what if it DID work?  What would it feel like? Oh, I dare not even think about that!

I've been thinking about some stuff about this cycle for a while, so I'll put them down here.

• This cycle was much shorter.   I didn't have to go on 12 days of Lu.pron, so things were happening pretty quickly.  Before I knew it, I was on stims, and egg retrieval was upon us.  But timing worked out perfectly for the job interview (still no news), egg retrieval, transfer, and being around to support Jack & Ellie through their difficult time.
• There was less excitement this cycle.  We were more cautious.  Based on our last cancelled cycle, we know that things can go wrong.  We took things one step at a time.
• This time I did not even see what my estimated due date would be if I got pregnant.  All I know is that it should be sometime in April.  When/if I get my BFP, then I will look into it.
• I had very little side effect from the meds this time around.  I was not on Lu.pron this time, so I'm sure that helped.  I think the acupuncture and chinese herbs helped too.
• I went into this cycle assuming that we only had one ovary to work with.  Fortunately, we were able to retrieve from both ovaries.  Unfortunately, we were only able to retrieve 7 eggs from both ovaries.  The last time we retrieved 8 from one ovary.
• The good news however, the quality of the 2 fertilized eggs were much better quality this time, with no fragmentation.
• We are grateful we were able to make it to transfer this time around.  We hope Icsi and Dicsi will stick around for the next 9 months!
• Babe and I have been very blest to have people donate some of their unused/unneeded drugs.  That saved us a pretty penny.
• I don't know what is in store for us if this cycle does not work.  This may be our last try.  Maybe.  Is this the end of our dreams of having biological children?  Would we consider adoption?  I just don't know.
• Sometimes I wonder if we should have done the shared risk program.   We did have some insurance coverage, but it covered only one cycle.  I am starting to wonder if we should have signed up for it.

Tomorrow will be torture!