While checking in at the bible study registration table tonight, I ran into a lady I met three years ago at the new membership class at our church. We had talked for a bit then and somehow discussed my TTC issues. She had trouble conceiving 30 some years ago, and went through some treatment, but had miraculously conceived 2 daughters naturally. So she told me not to give up hope, keep persevering and keep praying.
Tonight, she remembered our conversation and asked if things have changed for me since we last talked. I said no and that we are now pursuing IVF. "Have you thought about adoption? You know, with what's happening in Haiti, there are lots of babies that need homes. That might be an option for you". I politely said yes we have considered it, but no, we just feel we are not quite ready for it.
This lady is really sweet and I know she means well. But I wish people wouldn't think that adoption is an easy answer to our TTC issues. Of course we have considered adoption. We attended two different informational meetings at two separate agencies. We even put in an application and paid the application fee for one. I was excited when we received the adoption packages thinking that we are finally starting our family. But then, we realized we weren't ready. I felt torn between excitement of having a child, and sadness of giving up hopes of having our own biological child.
Some people think just adopt and you will get pregnant. So and so did it and now they have a baby on the way. That is just such a stupid thing to say! Even if that happens, that is the exception, not the norm. I personally know of someone that this happened to. They TTC for 8 years and 3 months after they brought their son home from Ethiopia, she found out she was pregnant. So I know it happens, but that is not the norm.
I've had others that suggested since we want to be parents, we can start the adoption process. In the mean time, we can still try to get pregnant. Though this is true, many that have not gone through the heartache of trying for their own babies or losing them may not understand the emotions that it involves. You can't just "settle" for something in the hopes that something better comes along. I think it is wrong and unfair to the adopted child. You need to stop fertility treatments. You need to be willing the give up the hopes of having your own biological child. You need to grieve this loss and have peace about it. You need to really want this adopted child more than anything in the world, just like you would your own biological child. You need to be ready. You need to be adopting for the right reasons. And if you actually get pregnant after you adopt, then it is a wonderful blessing.
Adoption is an expensive process, and it is a long and tiring. It is an intrusive process, with all kinds of people and agencies getting involved in your lives, and for many years too. Your personal life is no longer personal. You have to be ready to accept this and not resent the adoption process.
I know there are some of you reading this that are pursuing adoption, and I am truly excited for you. And there are others out there that considering it, and I think it's great that you are. I personally know families that have either adopted or people that are adoptees themselves, so I understand adoption can be a great way to start or expand families. Please do not think that I am against adoption, because I'm not.
I think adoption is a wonderful and beautiful thing, I really do. It is just a path we are not ready to take right now.
Maybe we will revisit it again in the future.
**Please note that the above are just my personal thoughts and feelings about adoption and our own TTC journey. You may have a different experience or opinion, and that's OK.**