Sunday, October 23, 2011

Stuck In A Rut!

I must be the most horrible blogger around.  Is anyone still out there reading this blog?

Since my last post, which is when I got my negative beta result in July, nothing has really happened.

I'm stuck in a HUGE RUT!

Babe had not wanted to make any decisions since our negative beta, which was in July.  Since then, we have just been working.  And right now work really sucks.  I have been putting in a lot of hours, some weeks more than others, working evenings and also weekends.  You know it's really bad when you start dreaming about work at night, and the first thing you think about when you get up is work!  Even on the weekends.  And no life, other than work.

I am starting to really dread going to work.  There is some much work, and not enough time to do it.  I am behind in everything, I am drowning in my work.  I know should be grateful for a job, but right now, I really wish I am not working.  I am so stressed out, that every night, I want to cry.

I had a mini meltdown last week.  We finally briefly talked about what's next.  Babe would still like to try having biological kids, so we are currently toying with the idea of donor egg.  But that's hard too.  It costs so much (about $22K), it also takes time.  Just like with adoption, there are so many things to consider with donor eggs.

Whatever we do, it's going to be difficult.... whether we adopt, or do donor eggs.  I just want to skip ahead to having the baby and bypass all the difficult things in between!

Life sucks right now.... I just want things to change... but it's not going to happen easily.  I'm not sure what the heck I'm doing with my life right now.  What's the point of working so hard at a job which I (currently) dread?  At first the job was a good distraction for my infertility and a way to pay for treatments.  Now, the job is just another thing I dread.

I also think I may be depressed, though I hate to think so.

18 comments:

  1. Thinking of you so much right now. I still read your blog each and everytime you post. MIssed you last week at PW. Sorry to hear that work is so busy and taking your life over, thats no fun. I'm praying as you go ahead these next few months making decisions about whats next.

    P.S. Its ok to be depressed... but don't go too long without getting help if you need it. I have an awesome counselor if you need someone. I have also been on zoloft since we started TTC, although now trying to slowly wean off of it. It really helped me.

    Hugs!

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  2. That sucks big time! All this IF is so hard and frustrating. It makes the rest of life seem very dull at times. Thinking of you and sending some love your way!

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  3. Definitely still reading and very much thinking of you. It's incredibly hard to be in the in-between. I know exactly what you're saying and how you must feel by your words. I've definitely been there, even after we made a decision to put treatments on hold and pursue adoption. It's just never easy. I always feel torn and definitely just want to skip ahead to when our babes are in our arms. Thinking of you ---

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  4. Bless your heart, being in limbo is so difficult. And being depressed, you get a pass in that area, as I remember all too well those feelings each failed cycle. I found myself seeing a therapist and it helped immensely...if you have not been, consider the option. She liberated me of A LOT of guilt and negativity.

    Hang in there and I do hope the weight of your job lifts. As for the egg donation, my therapist councils all couples considering the option, as my RE will not proceed without it. And, I do have a sweet friend who received her beautiful son through egg donation from her best friend :) She revealed that to me after I told her of our infertility struggles. Also, I have another friend pregnant now through embryo adoption! I wish you the very best in whatever decision you make.

    Many Hugs and Keep Your Chin Up, We're Rooting For You!

    Andrea
    persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com

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  5. ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

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  6. Good to hear from you again, but sorry you are having such a hard time. Wish I had a wand and could do abra cadabra and make it all go away!

    I hope and pray for brighter days ahead. Remember, we are all here to support you!!!

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  7. You have all my sympathies. I also had a few jobs working under similar circumstances and I also had a breakdown a few times... Eventually I just told DH that I'm going to quit - I just couldn't take it anymore. I understand it's not always as easy as that though...

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  8. May I be so bold as to recommend an awesome workbook for you? It's called "Discerning the Voice of God" by Priscilla Shrier and it completely, in a very practical way, changed my prayer life. Changed how I talk to God, and how I listen to Him.
    Thinking of you. xoxo

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  9. Hello! I still read your blog each time you post. It's so easy to get in a rut where fertility issues are involved. I know there have been times I just wanted to bog myself down into whatever....work especially...just so I wouldn't have to think about it, then realize I hadn't been giving it any thought, then feel guilty and down about it. It's a horrible cycle. I'll be praying for you and your hubby as you start thinking about it all again. Just a thought...have you both ever looked into donor embryos? It's so much easier and less expensive than donor eggs, and your clinic may be able to help you. My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!!

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  10. I completely understand how you're feeling. We are also considering doing donor eggs and the thought of it alone is really hard to swallow. And we are also considering adoption..but I have to admit it's really hard even thinking of giving up having a biological child. There are many of us out here that unfortunately can relate to exactly how you are feeling. Thinking of you dear. Hugs!

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  11. I'm still reading and hoping the right path will become clear for you! So many hard choices. ((Hugs))

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  13. I'm still here reading! I totally understand the feeling of being in a rut! Let us know what you decide!

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  14. Can feel the love & concern from blogsphere for you and DH. Sending you our love and prayers all the way from here too as well.

    Please talk to someone...a good friend, a sister from church, a counselor/therapist. It's OK to be in a rut for a while but definitely not healthy to languish for long.

    Please, please, please keep in touch.

    Love ya tons!

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  15. I'm still here. Sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I hope you are able to find your way out of your rut soon. Donor egg is overwhelmingly expensive here in the states. If you are open to doing another cycle out of the country, you could probably save quite a bit though that has its own huge set of complications.

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  16. Oh, man... I just stumbled upon your blog and I could've written this entry for you right now! It's absolutely uncanny! Please continue to blog, it's so great just to see that you're not entirely alone in this! xoxo

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  17. Just wanted you to know I was checking in on you...xoxoxo

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  18. Still here, still reading. Always here for you!

    I totally get where you were coming from. We did our own "hail Mary" donor sperm cycle which resulted in a BFP, so please, please, please don't give up hope.

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