Tomorrow (Monday) morning I go back for my second beta. My first beta on Thursday was 159. NEDC wants to see the number quadruple tomorrow for this pregnancy to be viable and healthy. The beta number is supposed to double every 48 hours and since I had to wait till Monday because of the weekend, they want to see then number to be in the 500's or higher since it would have been 4 days since my first beta.
Last night, as I was laying in bed trying to sleep, I started to worry.
What if my beta doesn't quadruple on Monday?
What if there is an empty sac instead of a baby at the 6 week appointment?
What if there is no heartbeat at the 9 week appointment?
What if I have a miscarriage?
A lot of things can still go wrong!
After being on this infertility journey for so long, and having so many friends that have experienced miscarriages and losses including myself, I can't help by worry about such things. People that have not gone through this do not have such worries. Pregnancy is usually a rosy and happy journey for them. And most won't understand or relate to why people like me would worry so much. But if you are/were like me, you know what it's like. You understand.
As I was laying there unable to sleep, I began to pray. I asked God.... no I BEGGED Him to please let this pregnancy stick. Please please let me have a great beta number tomorrow, and for this be a healthy and viable pregnancy. I've come so far and I don't know if I want to do this all over again if something bad happens.
And you know what? He gently reminded me again that He is in control. There is nothing that I can do to prevent or cause a miscarriage. He has blessed me with a miracle and I should relish and enjoy my pregnancy. I need to just let go and trust in him. No matter what happens, he's got it. He is in control.
That really comforted me. And at the same time, annoyed me because I still feel the need to be in control. I realize now that this has been an area that I have struggled with for so long. He is still working on this in me.
It is freeing to know that I can just let go. I'm still learning to truly trust God and lean on Him and His plans for me.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
- Jeremiah 29:11
Please continue to pray for us and our 2nd beta tomorrow. I will update you when I hear from Katie in the afternoon.
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
PUPO In A Week!
If all goes well, I will be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) in a week!
It seems pretty unreal that in a week, I could very well be pregnant.
Am I excited? Kind of.
Am I nervous? Kind of.
On the FB embryo adoption/donation group, there are a few ladies that will have their transfers next week like me. It seems like everyone is pretty psyched up about the transfers. I guess I kinda am too. Though, like I have mentioned in the past, cautiously optimistic.
After years of IUIs and IVFs, it all seems too familiar. Excitement ....... kind of. I'm also familiar with the feeling of failure when it doesn't work. So for now, cautiously optimistic.
After waiting almost 2 years in the adoption process (first international adoption and now embryo adoption), it feels like we have finally arrived. Like being matched in a traditional domestic infant adoption, or receiving a referral in an international adoption. In a week, I will finally get to meet my babies for the first time. And hopefully I will be able to meet him/her/them in 9 months!
I haven't done this in a while, but I just took some time and looked at the pictures of both sets of twins of our donor families. It brings me such joy to see these beautiful kids, knowing that I will be meeting with their siblings for the very first time next week. I get so emotional it brings tears to my eyes. I'm already crying and blowing my nose. We could potentially have children that look a lot like them!
I am so grateful for these two families that have decided to donate their beautiful embryos so that we could have hope and the chance to became parents. I pray that God will allow us to have a successful pregnancy, not just so that we can be parents (though we want it so badly!), but also so that we can have a relationship with one or both these families. I really like these families!! I also do not want to disappoint the families if this does not work.
I have to remind myself to trust God. A friend once said, enjoy where you are at, no matter what the future outcome may be. Be excited that I could potentially be pregnant next week. Savor being PUPO after the transfer. Even though things may not turn out the way we hope in the end, enjoy it while we can. Because if things do turn out wonderfully and we didn't savor the moment, we would have missed out on enjoying the moment while we had it. We can't take back what is in the past.
So this is a note to self to be more excited. Trust that God has a perfect plan.
In the morning, I will have my appointment for my ultrasound and blood work to check to see if my lining is thick enough and my estradiol numbers high enough for my transfer on Wednesday. Please pray that my lining is at least 7 mm at the appointment. If not, we may have to delay the transfer a couple of days, like we would have had to do in September. But we ended up canceling altogether due to the polyp in my uterus. I will post tomorrow on whether we are a go on Wednesday.
It seems pretty unreal that in a week, I could very well be pregnant.
Am I excited? Kind of.
Am I nervous? Kind of.
On the FB embryo adoption/donation group, there are a few ladies that will have their transfers next week like me. It seems like everyone is pretty psyched up about the transfers. I guess I kinda am too. Though, like I have mentioned in the past, cautiously optimistic.
After years of IUIs and IVFs, it all seems too familiar. Excitement ....... kind of. I'm also familiar with the feeling of failure when it doesn't work. So for now, cautiously optimistic.
After waiting almost 2 years in the adoption process (first international adoption and now embryo adoption), it feels like we have finally arrived. Like being matched in a traditional domestic infant adoption, or receiving a referral in an international adoption. In a week, I will finally get to meet my babies for the first time. And hopefully I will be able to meet him/her/them in 9 months!
I haven't done this in a while, but I just took some time and looked at the pictures of both sets of twins of our donor families. It brings me such joy to see these beautiful kids, knowing that I will be meeting with their siblings for the very first time next week. I get so emotional it brings tears to my eyes. I'm already crying and blowing my nose. We could potentially have children that look a lot like them!
I am so grateful for these two families that have decided to donate their beautiful embryos so that we could have hope and the chance to became parents. I pray that God will allow us to have a successful pregnancy, not just so that we can be parents (though we want it so badly!), but also so that we can have a relationship with one or both these families. I really like these families!! I also do not want to disappoint the families if this does not work.
I have to remind myself to trust God. A friend once said, enjoy where you are at, no matter what the future outcome may be. Be excited that I could potentially be pregnant next week. Savor being PUPO after the transfer. Even though things may not turn out the way we hope in the end, enjoy it while we can. Because if things do turn out wonderfully and we didn't savor the moment, we would have missed out on enjoying the moment while we had it. We can't take back what is in the past.
So this is a note to self to be more excited. Trust that God has a perfect plan.
In the morning, I will have my appointment for my ultrasound and blood work to check to see if my lining is thick enough and my estradiol numbers high enough for my transfer on Wednesday. Please pray that my lining is at least 7 mm at the appointment. If not, we may have to delay the transfer a couple of days, like we would have had to do in September. But we ended up canceling altogether due to the polyp in my uterus. I will post tomorrow on whether we are a go on Wednesday.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Mom Dilemma: To Tell or Not to Tell?
I'm in a dilemma. I can't decide if I should tell my mom about our upcoming IVF cycle. The last time I went home to visit my family overseas, I did a cycle of IVF there. But that's for another post.
I didn't tell my parents that I was doing IVF until I arrived home. I was there for 2 and a half months, and DH only joined me for 2 weeks of the trip, which luckily was perfectly timed for our IVF. No one in my family knew we were planning to do IVF except my sister and her husband.
My parents knew we that we had been trying to get pregnant for a while now. Before that, Mom used to give me the "don't wait too long to have kids" advice. Once we told them we had been trying for a while and actually needed some "help" they were supportive and kept praying for us. When I was home I had to tell Mom and Dad about the IVF procedures because I had to explain why I needed to stay around in the city and would not able to travel out of town to visit relatives and such. They were excited for us but I don't think they really understood what IVF really is, how much it cost, or what it actually takes. They just knew it was a lot cheaper to do it back home than to do it in the US.
I had only one request for my parents. Just one.
I asked Mom and Dad, please, please do NOT tell anyone about our IVF.
We have lots of relatives and I didn't want to have to explain anything to my uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces and nephews. News travel fast when you don't want it to. It was enough that we were getting all the "when are you guys having kids" questions. It is none of their damn business anyways! Plus if IVF didn't work, I didn't want to have to explain anything to anyone, least of all nosy relatives! And I didn't think I could handle the pity or the sorry looks from anyone.
So only ONE teeny weeny, but very important request.
Towards the end of my stay there, and midway through my IVF cycle, guess what I found out? Mom had told not one, but TWO of my aunts that we were doing IVF!!
What the heck!! I was furious! I was upset! I almost yelled at her! I broke down in tears! I felt betrayed! I specifically asked her not to tell anyone and she told two aunts! I felt like I could not trust her anymore!
Mom explained that this one aunt also had issues conceiving again after my cousin was born. This aunt tried many years unsuccessfully for another baby, even experienced multiple miscarriages. Mom thought she actually tried IVF too, but that was 30 some years ago. This aunt even thought about adoption but never did. It was really sad, yadda yadda yadda...... Mom thought maybe by telling this aunt about our IVF, she would be helping me out somehow. I have no clue how that would have helped me. It's not like I'm close to this aunt or anything. I think I've talked to this aunt 5 times in the last 15 years. Maybe Mom was just helping herself out. The other aunt, I don't even remember why Mom told her. Maybe because she was the closet to Mom. Maybe Mom just couldn't help herself.
The worst part was the first aunt called to say hi and and see how I was doing. The second aunt actually came to visit me during my stay. Luckily, neither of them brought up the subject of IVF. Both times I pretended like I didn't know they knew. It sucked. I hated pretending like everything was fine. I hated the awkward conversations. Even though we never talked about it specifically, I felt like I was lying through my teeth the entire time. And I hate not knowing who else now knows. One cousin? Five? All of them?
The point is, I SPECIFICALLY asked Mom not to tell anyone about our IVF, and she did.
Unfortunately, now my two aunts and God knows who else, know that the IVF cycle did not work.
So now the dilemma is if I should tell Mom about our IVF cycle next month. I'm not sure if I can trust her to not tell this time either. I hate keeping her out of the loop, it feels like I'm lying to her. If I tell her, I worry she will tell my relatives again. Plus I know she is going to worry about how much it's going to cost us, and how we can afford to do IVF, "especially in this economy". Why get her all excited and worried only to be disappointed if it doesn't work? Wouldn't it be better to just surprise her that they would be grandparents again if it works?
On the other hand, I could use all the support and prayers from both her and my dad.
So, what do you think? Should I tell Mom or not?
I didn't tell my parents that I was doing IVF until I arrived home. I was there for 2 and a half months, and DH only joined me for 2 weeks of the trip, which luckily was perfectly timed for our IVF. No one in my family knew we were planning to do IVF except my sister and her husband.
My parents knew we that we had been trying to get pregnant for a while now. Before that, Mom used to give me the "don't wait too long to have kids" advice. Once we told them we had been trying for a while and actually needed some "help" they were supportive and kept praying for us. When I was home I had to tell Mom and Dad about the IVF procedures because I had to explain why I needed to stay around in the city and would not able to travel out of town to visit relatives and such. They were excited for us but I don't think they really understood what IVF really is, how much it cost, or what it actually takes. They just knew it was a lot cheaper to do it back home than to do it in the US.
I had only one request for my parents. Just one.
I asked Mom and Dad, please, please do NOT tell anyone about our IVF.
We have lots of relatives and I didn't want to have to explain anything to my uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces and nephews. News travel fast when you don't want it to. It was enough that we were getting all the "when are you guys having kids" questions. It is none of their damn business anyways! Plus if IVF didn't work, I didn't want to have to explain anything to anyone, least of all nosy relatives! And I didn't think I could handle the pity or the sorry looks from anyone.
So only ONE teeny weeny, but very important request.
Towards the end of my stay there, and midway through my IVF cycle, guess what I found out? Mom had told not one, but TWO of my aunts that we were doing IVF!!
What the heck!! I was furious! I was upset! I almost yelled at her! I broke down in tears! I felt betrayed! I specifically asked her not to tell anyone and she told two aunts! I felt like I could not trust her anymore!
Mom explained that this one aunt also had issues conceiving again after my cousin was born. This aunt tried many years unsuccessfully for another baby, even experienced multiple miscarriages. Mom thought she actually tried IVF too, but that was 30 some years ago. This aunt even thought about adoption but never did. It was really sad, yadda yadda yadda...... Mom thought maybe by telling this aunt about our IVF, she would be helping me out somehow. I have no clue how that would have helped me. It's not like I'm close to this aunt or anything. I think I've talked to this aunt 5 times in the last 15 years. Maybe Mom was just helping herself out. The other aunt, I don't even remember why Mom told her. Maybe because she was the closet to Mom. Maybe Mom just couldn't help herself.
The worst part was the first aunt called to say hi and and see how I was doing. The second aunt actually came to visit me during my stay. Luckily, neither of them brought up the subject of IVF. Both times I pretended like I didn't know they knew. It sucked. I hated pretending like everything was fine. I hated the awkward conversations. Even though we never talked about it specifically, I felt like I was lying through my teeth the entire time. And I hate not knowing who else now knows. One cousin? Five? All of them?
The point is, I SPECIFICALLY asked Mom not to tell anyone about our IVF, and she did.
Unfortunately, now my two aunts and God knows who else, know that the IVF cycle did not work.
So now the dilemma is if I should tell Mom about our IVF cycle next month. I'm not sure if I can trust her to not tell this time either. I hate keeping her out of the loop, it feels like I'm lying to her. If I tell her, I worry she will tell my relatives again. Plus I know she is going to worry about how much it's going to cost us, and how we can afford to do IVF, "especially in this economy". Why get her all excited and worried only to be disappointed if it doesn't work? Wouldn't it be better to just surprise her that they would be grandparents again if it works?
On the other hand, I could use all the support and prayers from both her and my dad.
So, what do you think? Should I tell Mom or not?
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