Tomorrow (Monday) morning I go back for my second beta. My first beta on Thursday was 159. NEDC wants to see the number quadruple tomorrow for this pregnancy to be viable and healthy. The beta number is supposed to double every 48 hours and since I had to wait till Monday because of the weekend, they want to see then number to be in the 500's or higher since it would have been 4 days since my first beta.
Last night, as I was laying in bed trying to sleep, I started to worry.
What if my beta doesn't quadruple on Monday?
What if there is an empty sac instead of a baby at the 6 week appointment?
What if there is no heartbeat at the 9 week appointment?
What if I have a miscarriage?
A lot of things can still go wrong!
After being on this infertility journey for so long, and having so many friends that have experienced miscarriages and losses including myself, I can't help by worry about such things. People that have not gone through this do not have such worries. Pregnancy is usually a rosy and happy journey for them. And most won't understand or relate to why people like me would worry so much. But if you are/were like me, you know what it's like. You understand.
As I was laying there unable to sleep, I began to pray. I asked God.... no I BEGGED Him to please let this pregnancy stick. Please please let me have a great beta number tomorrow, and for this be a healthy and viable pregnancy. I've come so far and I don't know if I want to do this all over again if something bad happens.
And you know what? He gently reminded me again that He is in control. There is nothing that I can do to prevent or cause a miscarriage. He has blessed me with a miracle and I should relish and enjoy my pregnancy. I need to just let go and trust in him. No matter what happens, he's got it. He is in control.
That really comforted me. And at the same time, annoyed me because I still feel the need to be in control. I realize now that this has been an area that I have struggled with for so long. He is still working on this in me.
It is freeing to know that I can just let go. I'm still learning to truly trust God and lean on Him and His plans for me.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
- Jeremiah 29:11
Please continue to pray for us and our 2nd beta tomorrow. I will update you when I hear from Katie in the afternoon.