Stuck In A Rut!

I must be the most horrible blogger around.  Is anyone still out there reading this blog?

Since my last post, which is when I got my negative beta result in July, nothing has really happened.

I'm stuck in a HUGE RUT!

Babe had not wanted to make any decisions since our negative beta, which was in July.  Since then, we have just been working.  And right now work really sucks.  I have been putting in a lot of hours, some weeks more than others, working evenings and also weekends.  You know it's really bad when you start dreaming about work at night, and the first thing you think about when you get up is work!  Even on the weekends.  And no life, other than work.

I am starting to really dread going to work.  There is some much work, and not enough time to do it.  I am behind in everything, I am drowning in my work.  I know should be grateful for a job, but right now, I really wish I am not working.  I am so stressed out, that every night, I want to cry.

I had a mini meltdown last week.  We finally briefly talked about what's next.  Babe would still like to try having biological kids, so we are currently toying with the idea of donor egg.  But that's hard too.  It costs so much (about $22K), it also takes time.  Just like with adoption, there are so many things to consider with donor eggs.

Whatever we do, it's going to be difficult.... whether we adopt, or do donor eggs.  I just want to skip ahead to having the baby and bypass all the difficult things in between!

Life sucks right now.... I just want things to change... but it's not going to happen easily.  I'm not sure what the heck I'm doing with my life right now.  What's the point of working so hard at a job which I (currently) dread?  At first the job was a good distraction for my infertility and a way to pay for treatments.  Now, the job is just another thing I dread.

I also think I may be depressed, though I hate to think so.

Beta Result

Got the call from our RE this afternoon.  Our result..... NEGATIVE of course.  That is what I expected, so no surprise there.

I was at work when she called, but I had a few minutes to talk with her.  I thought I was handling our conversation fine, but she was just being so nice that I couldn't help but start falling apart.  She said we had gone through so much already with doing 3 IVF cycles with her.  We've been on this journey so long, and we did everything right.  I have a good functioning uterus, I ovulate regularly, my body responded well to the IVF meds, etc.  But when it comes to egg quality, there just really isn't much that we can do about it.

The RE suggested we consider egg donation.  She had suggested we think about it during our conference with her earlier on this cycle too.  She wants me to come in and do a conference with her and discuss that option and give me more detailed information.  I don't know.  I think Babe and I have to make that decision on our own.  She also suggested we meet up with her counselor to help us work through our next steps, and if donor egg is an option for us.

You know, I never considered donor egg as an option for us.  I always just thought that our kids would either have both of our DNAs, or neither.  However, now I think that's not fair to Babe.  If it were the other way around, and we had male fertility issues instead of egg quality issue, I'd probably still want my DNA in our children.  I think once you've gotten this far in your journey in trying to build your family, you start becoming open to other options.  A few years ago, I thought I'd never do IVF.  But look at us now.

I'm sorely disappointed that we are not pregnant, but I'm also not devastated.  As I was driving home from work today, I realized Babe and I have not been happy in the last few years.  Sure we've had some happy moments, and did some really fun stuff like traveling.  But we have not been truly happy for a long time.  It's hard when something important is missing from your life, and most people around you just don't understand.  People are sympathetic, and try to be supportive, but unless you have or are going through infertility, you just don't understand.

We have to view our future differently now.  Now that traditional IVF is no longer an option for us, our future is not so "bright" anymore.  That same hope is no longer there.  But it is a different kind of hope, though I am not sure yet what it is.  One thing I do know and still believe in is that God has a plan for us, and that all things work for good, and according to his purpose.  We just got to figure out what His plan is.

Beta

My beta is in 7 hours.... at 8 am.

How am I feeling about it?  Honestly, I'm not optimistic.

A couple of nights ago, Babe asked me if I am going to take a HPT (home pregnancy test).  Surprisingly, it never even occurred to me to take one.  This whole time (OK, it's only been a little over a week since my transfer) I never even thought too much about the beta or considered taking an HPT.  I have just been so busy at work.  I asked Babe if I should take one, but he didn't know.  Neither did I.  Still don't.

Well, I just checked my HPT test that has been laying in the back of my linen closet.  It expires in December 2011.  There's 2 in the box.  It's probably going to waste.  Since we started fertility treatments a while back, I've only taken a HPT once or twice.  Never needed to.  My period always came.  I think the last time I got my period the morning of my beta, even while on progesterone.

I think my HPT is going to waste.  Still can't bring myself to take it.  Like Babe said earlier tonight, if we don't take it, we have at least one more night of hope.

Hope.  I'm really not that hopeful.  Though I am hoping I will be surprised when the nurse or RE calls with the results in the afternoon.

Free from Bedrest

In about an hour, I will be done with my 48 hours of bedrest after transfer.  Though it's been pretty tough to stay laying down most of the time, I'm glad I was able to just slack off, take long naps, sleep late and just lay around watching TV and movies.  One movie that I did watch that I really enjoyed was "The Switch" starring Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman.  Not that I'm a huge fan of Aniston but in the spirit of "having a baby"  I thought it would be fun to watch it.  And it was a great movie, I really enjoyed it.  Of course, not really realistic, but pretty funny and sweet.



In a couple of hours, I will be going back to work.  It will be interesting since I've been off work for 5.5 days (Sat - Thurs PM).  I was supposed to have my transfer on Monday, was going to "try to work from home" on Wednesday.  Since out transfer got postponed to Tuesday, and I had to be on bedrest for 48 hours, I can't go back to work until later this afternoon.  It will be interesting.  We are so swamped right now, and I am so behind.  I was going to try to work from home yesterday and this morning, but decided to screw it.  In the bigger picture, it's just work.  Who cares.  My personal life is much more important right now.  I will deal with the consequences of work later.

ONE

One. That's how many we had to transfer this morning.

When Dr. K (one of our RE's partners) came in and we saw he had a photo of one embryo, we knew we weren't going to have good news.  He went over our embryology report with us, and pretty much all the other embryos had stopped growing except for one.  It was at a morula stage, which means it was at a day 4 stage (today is day 6), it was not even at a blastocyst stage yet.  I asked the doc what our chances are with this one embryo, and he said "not good".  I wonder if it will continue to grow.


The transfer went well without incident.  I did fairly well of not filling my bladder too full, but yet enough I didn't need a catheter put it.  Babe and I were able to view the entire process on the ultrasound monitor.  Dr. K pretty much walked us through the whole process.  He did a trial transfer first, to make sure there were no issues with access.  Pretty neat to be able to see the catheter enter into the uterus via the cervix, release the embryo, and then back out.  The embryology tech also checked the catheter under the microscope after to make sure there was nothing left in the catheter after.  They took an ultrasound picture of the process, but I'll have to post it later when I get Babe to scan it.  


After the procedure, I had to lay on the table for 10 minutes before allowing to get up and use the bathroom.  Then I rested in the recovery room for another 30 minutes before we were allowed to go home. On the way home, we stopped by and did some Chinese take-out.  Got home, had lunch, and took a nap.  I wasn't really planning on napping, but I think the "happy pill" totally relaxed me and made me sleepy.  I got up at 5:30 pm, and the day's almost over.


So, that's where we are.  Transferred one not-great quality embryo.  No twins, nothing to freeze.  We didn't get  a chance to decide how many we wanted to transfer either.

This is not what we had hoped for considering our numbers - 12 retrieved, 8 matured, 7 fertilized, 5 embryos still going yesterday, and today, only one left.  But it is what it is.  I'm trying to remain hopeful,  but to be honest, it's getting pretty difficult.

 Beta is on 7/13.

We are now praying for a miracle.

Here We Go

No call from the clinic this morning, that means it's a go.  It's 10:30 right now, just took my "happy pill" (va.lium).  Let the filling of the bladder begin.

Here we go!  More with an update later.....

Postponed!

The clinic called before 8 am this morning to tell us that our transfer has been postponed till tomorrow at 11:30 am.

My embryos are a little slow.  It is currently day 5, but they are a the day 4 stage.  The clinic wants to wait another day to give the little embabies a chance to grow into blastocysts, which is ideal for implantation.  So I'm a little bummed.

The good news is, I still have 5 embryos still in the running.  3 are still growing and compacting (nurse's word), which means they are at the morula stage, right before they become blastocysts, which is when we would want to do the transfer.  The other 2 embryos are a little behind, but could possibly catch up.

Also found out that we actually had 7 that fertilized, not 6.  One must have fertilized later.  Because we have  a few embryos to work with, they want to wait till tomorrow to pick the best ones to transfer.

So, we wait some more.  Though slow, I'm relieve that we still have a few embryos to work with.  Please pray that they will continue to grow in leaps and bounds, and we will be pleasantly surprised tomorrow when we do the transfer.

Where we are right now, day 4 stage: Morula (though we are currently on day 5)

Image from ivf.net

Where we want to be at transfer time, day 5 stage: Blastocyst

Image from ivf.net

Check out this site at ivf.net for more info about embryo development.

Reality Check & Blessings of Technology

If you have been following my journey from the beginning, you may or may not know that prior to my first 2 IVF cycles done here in MN, I did one cycle of IVF overseas.  This happened in 2009 when I was back in my home country for 3 months.  There are reasons why I did it there, which I will not go into now.  I've always only referred to this cycle as my third, but in reality, it is my third done here, but my fourth in total.

I did some digging today and pulled up my IVF report from that cycle done overseas.  During that cycle, I had 12 eggs retrieved, out of these 8 fertilized and cleaved.  Out of the 8, only 2 had kept growing till day 5.  We transferred both of those, and obviously, I didn't get pregnant with that cycle.

So, even though I am happy at how this cycle has turn out compared to the last 2, with having 6 eggs fertilized, I have to confess that I am worried that I may not have the results I am hoping for.  I'm afraid that I may find out at the clinic that I only have one or two that is in a decent enough shape to transfer.  Or worse yet, I may get a call at 8 am saying, sorry, but your embryos arrested this morning, and it's a no go.

I know, I shouldn't worry about it, because there is nothing do about it now.  It's all out of my hands.  Still, I can't help but worry......

Switching gears......

Tonight, my sister and her husband, myself and Babe chatted for a while over Skype.  In our families (Babe and I), only my sister and her husband knows in depth about our infertility, as well as the details about how many cycles of IVF we have gone through.  We were able to chat over my MacBook, and their iPhone.  The best part was when they prayed over us.  Over Skype. How cool is that?  What a blessing technology can be.

This is it.  Transfer day, here we come!

Next Up... Transfer

We didn't get a call from the clinic yesterday, so that was a relief.  Instead the Embrology lab called this morning while we were at our church's 4th of July Freedom Celebration service.  Of course, I had the phone on silent when the call came, so the lab left a message.

Our transfer is tomorrow, Monday 4th of July, at 10:45 am.  At 9:45 am, I will need to empty my bladder, take my Val.ium tablet, and start drinking water to make sure my bladder is full at transfer.  This is really tricky because if you don't have a full enough bladder, they will need to insert a catheter into my bladder to fill it up.  Don't want to have to do that!  So far in the past, I've had no issues with making sure my bladder is full.  It is keeping the bladder full during and after transfer that is the issue.  I just remember dying to pee during and after the transfer.  After transfer, you have to lay there for a while.  That's the hardest part.  Then when you are finally allowed to get up, you can barely walk to the bathroom because you have to pee so bad!

Anyway, when the lab left a message, they didn't give me an update on the statuses of the embryos, other than when they looked on Saturday, they were still growing and dividing.  They would have called if there were concerns or changes.  I should have called this  morning, but since it was a weekend, they had a short day, so I decided against it.  So, right now I have no idea how many embryos are still growing, or at what stages they are at.  The real test will be tomorrow morning, when they look at where the embryos are then.  If they embryos are slow, they may wait and do a day 6 transfer, but right now that is unlikely.

We've never had to make a decision on how many to transfer before, and we hope that tomorrow, we will have the change to experience that for the first time.

Please continue to pray for my little embabies (embryo/babies)!  Will update tomorrow.

Fertilization Update

The embryology lab called this afternoon.

Found out that instead of 11 eggs as we originally thought, we actually had 12 eggs retrieved!  That's the most we've ever had.

Out of the 12, 8 were mature, and out of that, 6 have fertilized and are now dividing.  This again is the most fertilized eggs we've had so far among the 3 cycles.  So we are pretty excited.

The eggs were of various quality, and were between 2 - 5 cells each, and that is pretty decent for retrieval +2 days.  Sounds like the fertilized eggs are rated at Grade 2, which again is decent.  The nurse said that Grade 1 is not that common, and they would be worried of the eggs were at Grade 3.

Again, we are optimistic, but also trying to be realistic.  Based our past history, we know that a lot can still go wrong.

Here's how the last couple of cycles went:
Cycle 1: 8 eggs retrieved from one ovary, 6 were mature, only 2 fertilized naturally. Nothing to transfer because the embryos arrested by day 4.
Cycle 2: 7 eggs retrieved from both ovaries, only 3 were mature and ICSI'd, only 2 fertilized. Had a day 3 transfer, instead of a day 5
 
All in all though, it looks like this cycle is doing better than the others.  Because we have 6 fertilized eggs, the plan is still to have a day 5 transfer.  The clinic will call again with another update on Sunday.  Unless things change, they will call tomorrow (Saturday) morning. 
 
I have to say though that I am pleasantly surprised by how this cycle is turning out so far (touch wood!  Hope I didn't jinx it!).  I was actually feeling quite discouraged and almost hopeless when I started this cycle.  During the last 2 cycles, I was not working, worked out at the gym, ate healthy, took chinese herbs and did acupunture.  This time, because I am now working, I have been working long hours, have not gotten enough sleep, have not been eating well, have not worked out in months, and skipped the chinese medicine and acupuncture.  Yet things have been going better than before.  So, I am praying that this will continue.
 
I started my tetra.cycline (antibiotics) right after egg retrieval, and have to continue taking that until tomorrow night.  Also started my Endo.metrion suppositories this morning.  Not fun.  Feeling lots of bloating, worse than when on stims, and also kind of constipated.  I'll have to continue taking it until my beta.
 
So, I won't have any updates until Sunday (hopefully, unless things change).  So in the mean time, I would appreciate prayers for my eggs/embryos to continue to be grow and be healthy, and make it to transfer.  I've never dared to even think this, but please pray for the possibility that we may have extra embryos to freeze too!

Video: Blessings, by Laura Story

Lately, the local Christian radio station has been constantly playing the song "Blessings", by Laura Story.  It's a beautiful song, and the lyrics are even more special.  Every time I hear this song, it makes me want to cry, and yet it gives me hope.

What if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing come through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know you're near
What if the if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise.

It's true.  Though I have sometimes questioned my faith due to my circumstances,  I'm not sure what my faith would be like if my life had been happy-go-lucky, without any trials or worry.  I'm not saying I'm happy to have to go through the pain and heartache of infertility. I just think this has built my faith in ways I never thought possible.  I know that God is real, and he is near.  I just need to trust Him and believe He has a perfect plan for me.

Could what I'm going through His mercy that I have not recognized?  Makes me look at this journey in a different perspective.  What about you?

Listen to the song, and read the lyrics.  I hope this give you hope too.  Then watch the next video where Laura shares the story behind her song.

I like her message: Sometimes God gives us what we need rather than what we want.  Sometimes He lets us stay broken in ways we may not feel comfortable or expect.  Because, like a broken, shattered vessel, it is then His light can beam through. It's a picture of faith.

Blessings (by Laura Story)
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Egg Retrieval Update

Egg retrieval went pretty smoothly today.  We arrived at the clinic on time at 6:30 am, but sat at the lobby for about 5 minutes before anyone showed up at the reception.  We must have been the first patients there.  It's weird arriving at the clinic and no one's around, since it is summer and sunny out.  It felt much later than it actually was.

We entered IVF Suite (which had a special lock, and you can only enter if you have a special pass), and went through the usual Q&A (health, allergies, last time I drank or ate, etc) with the nurse.  When the nurse asked we have any questions, we really had none.  This was our third time through this, so we were veterans at this by now.

Steve, the nurse anesthetist came and and talked to us.  He is the same guy from the past retrievals we went through.  I remember he's a pretty funny guy.  I mentioned that the last 2 times we did this, I got sick and threw up the first thing I got home even though I was given Zo.fran for nausea (the same kind pregnant women get).  He said he'd try giving me something different this time instead of liquid Ty.lenol for pain after the procedure, though there was no guarantee. Sometimes everything is fine, but the ride home makes you sick.  He joked that if he could only figure out how to beat this nausea thing, he would ask the checks be sent to him in the Bahamas!

After that Dr. M, came in.  He was the same RE that did my first retrieval last July.  I remember liking him last time, and I still do.  He's very professional and yet very pleasant.  We went over my charts and compared this cycle to the last couple.  He said I responded "reasonably well" to my medications.  He asked if we had any questions, and again. since this is our third time, we didn't really really have any.

Then I was off the the bathroom the pee one more time before heading to Procedure Room 1, and Babe made his way to the Andrology lab.  Once on the table, Steve gave me a warm blanket (probably from a warming oven), and it felt pretty comfy.  He looked over my veins while decidin whether to put the IV in my arm or my hand.  I joked about how my left arm is my "go to" arm.  Though it looked a bit bruised, but it has never let me down yet.  He ended up putting it in my arm, since usually it tends to sting more in the hand.  Hooray for my arm.  I didn't even feel the IV at all.  Again, my arm was there for me.  I was then ready for my "morning cocktail", as Steve put in.  I felt the head rush, and thought boy I'm sure glad I'm laying down.  I was out like a lightbulb,

The next thing I remember, I was waking up in the recovery room with my Babe next to me.  I remember the nurse giving me some water, and all I wanted to do was roll over and go back to sleep.  Dr. M stopped by and told us he had retrieved 11 eggs from both ovaries.  That is good news, the most number of eggs we've ever gotten.  I remember that I had to keep asking Babe how many we had, thanks to the anesthesia.

Recovery went well.  Steve came in later and injected some medication in my IV instead of giving me liquid Ty.lenol like last time.  This actually helped as I did not get sick when I got home.  The nurse gave me some apple juice and crackers, and the next thing I know, I as changing back to my own clothes and was being pushed out in a wheelchair.  I got home, took my tetra.cycline (antibiotics) and went to bed.  I spent most of my day in bed, though I got up a couple of times to eat and drink.  I am resting comfortably.  Surprisingly I have no pain or soreness, for which I am grateful.  Tomorrow, I will be working from home, which is perfect timing, as it will be hot and humid, close to 100 degrees outside.  I will be hiding indoors.

So 11 eggs retrieved.  I am grateful for that.  I am trying to stay optimistic, but also realistic.  Here's how my last 2 cycles turned out:
Cycle 1: 8 eggs retrieved from one ovary, 6 were mature, only 2 fertilized naturally.  Nothing to transfer because the embryos arrested.
Cycle 2: 7 eggs retrieved from both ovaries, only 3 were mature and ICSI'd,  only 2 fertilized.  Had a day 3 transfer.

So 11 eggs sounds like a great number, but there are just so many other factors involved.   So, if you are a praying person, please pray for my eggs to be healthy, will fertilize and will grow into healthy embryos.

I should be getting a call from the clinic on Friday with the status of my eggs/embryos. Will have more updates then.

Quick Update

Ok, a quick update.

I will be at my clinic in 7 hours.  Will be arriving at the clinic at 6:30 am for the procedure set for around 7:30 am.  It's now 11:30 pm, so only half an hour left before my fast starts  - no food or drinks after midnight.

Please keep my in your prayers that all will go well.  Pray for these:

1. For a safe surgery, that the egg retrieval will go well with no issues or complications
2. That they can access both my ovaries (the was an issue accessing one of my ovaries in the past), and can retrieve a good number of eggs.
3. That the eggs retrieved will be healthy and mature (been diagnosed with egg quality issues)
4. That all the eggs retrieved that are mature will fertilize
5. That the fertilized eggs will be healthy and will divide and grow into healthy embryos.
6. That we will have a good number of healthy embryos that can be transfered in 5 days.

I will try to do an update if I feel up to it.  Anesthesia normally knocks me out for the entire day.

See you on the other side!

Belated ICLW & A Roller Coaster Ride

 A Very Belated ICLW to everyone!

First off, I'd like to apologize for a non-productive ICLW again.  Thanks to those who stopped by from ICLW.  It's been another bad month for ICLW.  I'm actually surprised I made it to ICLW this month.  If you are new to my site, welcome.  If you've been here before, thanks for stopping by again.

Our story briefly:  Babe (hubby) and I have been TTC for over 7 years.  We were first diagnosed with "unexplained infertility"  Since then, we done just about everything... clomid, surgeries for polyps, 4 IUIs, and a total of 3 IVFs, with the last one done last July (wow, has it been a year already?).

Based on my last 2 IVFs, my RE determined that we have low egg quality, probably due to age (I am turning 38 in August).  However, we have been trying for 7 years, so we wonder if it had always been an egg issue? I guess we'll never know.

Since the last IVF a year ago, we had taken a long break.  We thought we were done.  Then I started a new job in September, which we found out, now we have fertility coverage again.

So fast forward to June, and now I am in the middle of my IVF cycle.  I started my stims on 6/17 and last Thursday, I thought I had to cancel this IVF cycle.  At my appointment, the clinic thought I had a lead follicle at 19x16 mm, and numerous other small ones.  Because there was only one follicle maturing, and much faster than the others, I was told I may have to cancel the IVF and convert in into and IUI.  But I went back on Friday for another ultrasound, and they found out my follicles were growing just fine.  Turns out the ultrasound technician (who is new I think, since I've never seen her before) measured the follicle wrong.  She must have measured 2 follicles as one.

Anyways, just found out today that I am ready.  So I had my 2 Ovi.drel shots today (instead of HCG), and I am set for retrieval for Wednesday.  I have to be at the clinic at 6:30 am! I'm excited, but also nervous.  To be honest, I'm not feeling optimistic this cycle.  Can't imagine how the outcome of this cycle would be any different than previous ones.  Anyways we we have to wait and see.

Will keep you posted!

Back In The Game

I'm back in the game.

It's kind of ridiculous how long it's been since I last blogged.  I'm so embarrassed.

Just look at my last post.  It was the FEBRUARY ICLW!

Anyway, I just signed up for ICLW tonight, though I don't even know if I made it to the list.  I tried to sign of for last month's but it was too late.

There is no excuse for not posting in so long, other than the fact that I have been busy with work.  And  I mean really busy.  But still, I think it is a lame excuse.

Well here is another attempt at getting back to blogging.  I need to.  I have a lot to share.

Just a quick note....I just started another cycle of IVF.

But I will have for a later post to write about that.  Tomorrow maybe.

Welcome February ICLWers

Hello ICLWers!

I can't believe it's time again for ICLW. I missed the January ICLW. Actually I thought I signed up for it, and then found out it didn't register. I was probably too late.

Anyway, I've been a bad blogger. It's been more than a 2 weeks since my last post. I thought I was doing so good, and then I fell off the bandwagon. Again.

Anyway, if you are now to my site, welcome. If you've been here before, thanks for stopping by again =)

Our story: In a nutshell, Babe (DH) and I have been TTC for over 7 years. Yikes! It's been seven years! We were first diagnosed as having "unexplained infertility", with 4 IUIs and some surgeries thrown in for good measure. We have done a total of 3 IVFs, with the last one just completed in July of last year.

Based on the last 2 IVFs, my RE determined that we have low egg quality issue. Well, after TTC for 7 years and me turning 38 in August, I suppose age is a factor. I wonder if egg quality was an issue 4, 5, or even 6 years ago when we first started trying? I guess we'll never know.

For now, we are "taking a break" from TTC. It's nice to be able to just not think about what cycle day it is, having to avoid alcohol, sushi or soft cheeses, taking prenatal vitamins, etc. I also started a new job in September, which is keeping me really busy. We will probably do another round of IVF in the next few months since with my new job, we get insurance coverage. When I did my IVFs, I was not working. Now I am not looking forward to working and going through the IVF regiment at the same time.

So stick around to see how this all plays out!

Facebook Got Me Again.....

I saw this tonight on Faceb.ook .....

[Insert name here] is EXPECTING AGAIN!! I know, I know it's pretty crazy isn't it? I really don't want to believe it myself. I wasn't going to put it on here, because it will be obvious soon enough, but thought I needed to make it official. I mean who would have guessed AGAIN!! So now you know, it's official. We are expecting *frigid weather* AGAIN tonight and tomorrow!! **Re-post if you have any sense of humor.!!*
ha ha got ya!!!

When I first read this, I thought "Crap! Not another Faceb.ook pregnancy announcement! "  Then I thought what a stupid post!

Yup, Faceb.ook got me again!  Not sure whether to be pissed off, or just relieved.  I guess I'm relieved.

Thanks, I have a sense of humor ........ but no thanks, I'm not re-posting this.

For those of you not in the Midwest, or have not been up to date in US news, here's what's happening in most of the Midwest of the United States.  Check out this video.

Funny Videos: Adoption and Twins

I found these hilarious videos.  They are just dripping with sarcasm!  No explanation needed.

Enjoy!



And then there's this.

Featured on Stress Free Infertility

Wow, I am honored.

I am one of three bloggers featured on Krissi's Stress Free Infertility site today.  Go check it out!

Thanks, Krissi!

Insensitive

Lately, every time I get on Faceb.ook, I see this event invitation staring back at me, mocking me even.  I received this invitation a couple months ago.

It's for a baby shower.

Not only is it for a baby shower, it's for a baby shower for a lady that knows that Babe and I are dealing with infertility.  

She is the same lady that knew that our IVF did not work.  

She is the same Gal #2 that in April, told me I should "just adopt", and how she knows people that have adopted and got pregnant after.  I told her off and set her straight about how wrong she was then.  You can read about it here.

Oh and did I mention that this will be her 3rd baby?  Yes THIRD!!  Number 3!!

Wait a minute, I thought people only had baby showers for their first baby.  Am I wrong?  Do people have baby showers after the first one?

I'm sorry if I'm being critical, but is she doing this just for gifts?  I know that times are tough, and she may not be doing well financially, but still.

I understand that she is happy to be pregnant again and want to share her joy with her friends, but I think that it is just inconsiderate and insensitive.  Maybe she wants to make sure that I don't feel left out if I found out she is having a baby shower and I am not invited.  

But I think she could have been more sensitive.  She could have told me in person about the shower and asked if I would like to attend, and then send me the invitation.  Instead, I get the invitation on Faceb.ook, along with 40 other people.

Am I just being too sensitive?

I don't plan on going anyway, but have not responded to the invite.  Not sure if I even want to get her a gift.  I'm not even that close to her.

The other thing is, we are both going to be in the same group in a program a church, so I will be seeing her every week for the next 10 weeks, until she has the baby.  I don't even remember when she said her baby is due.

I suppose I could just say no the the invitation, don't give an excuse, and just hope she doesn't ask why.  

She should know why, right?  Or am I just being presumptuous?

Am I the one being too sensitive?


** Update**
~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to everyone that commented.  I have declined the invitation on Faceb.ook, and thankfully it no longer appears when I sign on.  I still have not decided if I will get her a gift.  Her shower is more than 3 weeks away, so I have time to decide.

Non-IF Related Posts?

I have been looking back at my previous posts on this blog.  I started this blog to journal my TTC journey after we decided that we would pursue IVF (again). Since I am currently not actively going through treatments (soon to start, hopefully), I feel like I don't have much updates to post.  I have some that I thought about sharing, but most are just downers, and it will probably just make you (and me) more depressed.

So, I thought about sharing non-IF related posts.  What do you think?  Would you still care to read this blog if I posted non-IF related items?

Who's Next?

In the past, I have mentioned that I am part of a support group called Patiently Waiting.  It is a Christian support group for Infertility and/or Adoption. 

The great thing about a group like this is it is a great place to be around people that are going through, or have gone through the same struggles and be able to share, relate, and vent.  We are able to support and encourange one another, and give each other hope.  I have met some really nice ladies and have developed great friendships here.

Like it or not, we are all reluctant members of this infertility "club". We are all on a journey to get out of this club.  We hope and pray that the someone's IUI or IVF works next.  Or that someone gets matched soon. Or someone gets pregnant.

The hard part however, is "WHO'S NEXT"?

What if her IVF/IUI works?  Who's going to get pregnant next?  Or get matched next?  What if it's not me?  It's probably not going to be me! 

I desperately want my IF friends to get pregnant, or bring their adopted babies home.  But yet it hurts when it does happen.

This sounds terrible, but sometimes, I secretly hope things don't work for them. (Yikes!  I can't believe I am actually writing this!!)  In a way, I hope that we stay the same as we are right now.  Because I'm selfish.  I'll admit it.

If I don't succeed, I don't want anyone else to either.  Because if they succeed, and I don't, that means I have failed.  It's hard being a failure for 6 years.  It's hard to see others moving on, while I am left behind.

I believe I'm not the only one that feels this way.  Please tell me I am not the only one that feels this way?


OK, deep down I really do want things to work out for others.  Really.

But why can't it work out for me? 

Why can I be next?

37... Much Closer to 40!

37

Last night, I realized I had not updated the "A Little About Me" section of my blog.  I had to change "I'm 37" from 36.

37.... That's a lot closer to 40 than 30, or 35 for that matter.  I had in the past hung on to the fact that 36 is just a tad bit more than 35.  But 37?  That's a whole other story.

I'm pretty sure I fall under the "advanced maternal age" category.

Sigh......

Left Behind

I'm feeling left behind.  It feels like the rest of the world is moving on, and here I am still in the same old place.  Nothing has changed in the baby department.

Last Friday, I became an aunt.  Again.

My SIL just gave birth to a baby boy, their second child.  This is the same SIL that I found out she was pregnant because my MIL accidently let the cat out of the bag.  I'm happy for her, but sad for us.  This nephew is the first male baby in Babe's family that will carry on our last name.  They beat us to it.  Babe's brother is younger than us, married later than us, but had their first AND second child before we even had our first.  So here we are..... our 8th niece/nephew on Babe's side of the family.  We have 3 on my side.

Then, my good friend in Indiana, just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  I'm so happy for her.  This is her second baby, her first was a boy.  They struggled for a few years trying to conceive their first baby.  And her second, it was unplanned.

In our infertility support group, a few more people have made progress.  One gal who is doing embryo adoption has her home study approved, and has been matched with a family.  She will have her embryo transfer in March.  Another couple is in the process of being placed with a 7-month of baby girl.  Another girl has started her adoption process.  A couple more are in the middle, or about to start their IVF cycle.  So almost everyone is making some kind of progress.

Now that I am finally slowly stepping back into the blog world, I am also finding that  a lot of people have either gotten pregnant, have delivered their babies, or have brought home their adopted babies.  It's wonderful news, because that's what we all want.... to be parents.  But it's also hard to read sometimes.

I feel like I have been left behind, and can't wait to get back in the bandwagon.  But at the same time, I wonder if I really want to, or have what it takes to do it all over again.

I'm sure I will.  I do want to.  I just have to find strength to pick myself up and just do it!

Hello World!

Hello World.....

It's me.

I'm back.

Wow, it's been exactly 3 months since my last post.  Not much happening on the baby front since then.  It's 2011, a new year to look forward to.   Hopefully there will be some good news on the baby front this year.

I just checked the stats on my site, and I am surprised to see that there has been between 15 - 20 visits to my blog everyday, even though I have not updated my site for 3 months.  Not sure where my visitors are coming from, but if you have been checking on me to see if I have had any updates, thank you.

Thank you for sticking around with me, even though I have not had much to say.

You'll hear from me.  I promise.

Now, off to see what updates there are in the TTC world......