A Night of Ups and Downs

I was at a church event Tuesday night when a gal came up to me asking how I was doing as she heard that I had gone through some procedures lately.  You see, when I had my egg retrieval, I had to miss a weekend retreat at my church.  Someone, not sure who, had told my group that I had to miss the retreat because I was going through a medical procedure because I have been having a hard time conceiving.  That annoyed me because there are only a few people that know about our TTC issues, and I expected them to keep it confidential.  Oh well, it was too late.  I'm not sure how much details people know, but the cat's out of the bag.

Anyway, Gal #1 said she was sorry about what I was going through.  She has a 1 1/2 year old daughter, but she had gone through a miscarriage once, and she knew how devastating it is.  She gave me a big hug and said she would continue to pray for me and she said she knew I would make a wonderful mother.  Bless her heart!

Then later, Gal #2 (she has 2 kids) came up to me and said she heard that I went through a procedure.  She asked me how I was feeling, and if it worked.  I said nope, it didn't.  She said she was sorry, and she could relate.  She had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, and her baby would have been due right around now.  I said I was sorry for her loss, and that I couldn't even fathom what she had experienced.  I actually felt bad because I was starting to get annoyed at having to talk about my failed procedures, but then she told me about how her baby would have been due.  

Then, she went on and asked if I had considered adoption.  Oh I so knew where this was going!  One of her friends had tried for years without success, adopted and then had gotten pregnant.  And then she told me of another couple that did the same thing.  So I told her, yes, I had considered adoption but no, we are not ready for that.  Then she kept going on about how she hears stories of people who had gotten pregnant after they adopted.  

At that point, I was really annoyed and felt like I needed to set her straight.  I told her, you know, it's true that some people do get pregnant after they adopt, but it is not the norm.  Statistically, it is very RARE that it ever happens, and most people don't.  I actually said please don't be offended but it is really not helpful to say such a thing to a person that has a hard time getting pregnant.  Most people that can't get pregnant has most probably considered adoption at one time or another.  The last thing we want to do is to give anyone a false impression that adopting will help you get pregnant.  That is WRONG and absolutely the worst reason why someone should consider adoption.  If fact, I told her, it is one the most annoying things anyone can say to an infertile, next to "just relax", and "you're still young".  It's a big no-no!

I think Gal #2 felt bad after that, and admitted that she didn't think it would come out that way, and she only wanted to give people some hope.  I understand how people want to say things that could possibly make us feel hopeful, but I had to express my thoughts.  I felt like an IF Nazi, but I don't care.  Sometimes people don't realize how hurtful and unhelpful some words can be.  I just couldn't keep quiet about that!

Then later in the evening, Gal #3 (she's in her 50's, so maybe not a "gal") and she told me the story of how she got married in her late 30's, got pregnant with her first at 39, and then suffered 8 (yes 8!) miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies before conceiving her second son at 42, and with only one tube.  Even then, they thought her baby had died because her numbers kept going down.  She was scheduled for a D&C but she demanded an ultrasound.  They saw her baby bouncing around in the uterus and had a perfect heartbeat.  He is now 12.  They call him the "Miracle Child".  Don't give up hope, Gal #3 reminded me, and she too has promised to continue to keep me in her prayers.

Tuesday night was a night of ups and downs, but in the end I felt really good about it.  I felt like I stood up for something important, and I was blest by 2 ladies that shared their stories of hope and their love for me.