Thursday, April 8, 2010

A Night of Ups and Downs

I was at a church event Tuesday night when a gal came up to me asking how I was doing as she heard that I had gone through some procedures lately.  You see, when I had my egg retrieval, I had to miss a weekend retreat at my church.  Someone, not sure who, had told my group that I had to miss the retreat because I was going through a medical procedure because I have been having a hard time conceiving.  That annoyed me because there are only a few people that know about our TTC issues, and I expected them to keep it confidential.  Oh well, it was too late.  I'm not sure how much details people know, but the cat's out of the bag.

Anyway, Gal #1 said she was sorry about what I was going through.  She has a 1 1/2 year old daughter, but she had gone through a miscarriage once, and she knew how devastating it is.  She gave me a big hug and said she would continue to pray for me and she said she knew I would make a wonderful mother.  Bless her heart!

Then later, Gal #2 (she has 2 kids) came up to me and said she heard that I went through a procedure.  She asked me how I was feeling, and if it worked.  I said nope, it didn't.  She said she was sorry, and she could relate.  She had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, and her baby would have been due right around now.  I said I was sorry for her loss, and that I couldn't even fathom what she had experienced.  I actually felt bad because I was starting to get annoyed at having to talk about my failed procedures, but then she told me about how her baby would have been due.  

Then, she went on and asked if I had considered adoption.  Oh I so knew where this was going!  One of her friends had tried for years without success, adopted and then had gotten pregnant.  And then she told me of another couple that did the same thing.  So I told her, yes, I had considered adoption but no, we are not ready for that.  Then she kept going on about how she hears stories of people who had gotten pregnant after they adopted.  

At that point, I was really annoyed and felt like I needed to set her straight.  I told her, you know, it's true that some people do get pregnant after they adopt, but it is not the norm.  Statistically, it is very RARE that it ever happens, and most people don't.  I actually said please don't be offended but it is really not helpful to say such a thing to a person that has a hard time getting pregnant.  Most people that can't get pregnant has most probably considered adoption at one time or another.  The last thing we want to do is to give anyone a false impression that adopting will help you get pregnant.  That is WRONG and absolutely the worst reason why someone should consider adoption.  If fact, I told her, it is one the most annoying things anyone can say to an infertile, next to "just relax", and "you're still young".  It's a big no-no!

I think Gal #2 felt bad after that, and admitted that she didn't think it would come out that way, and she only wanted to give people some hope.  I understand how people want to say things that could possibly make us feel hopeful, but I had to express my thoughts.  I felt like an IF Nazi, but I don't care.  Sometimes people don't realize how hurtful and unhelpful some words can be.  I just couldn't keep quiet about that!

Then later in the evening, Gal #3 (she's in her 50's, so maybe not a "gal") and she told me the story of how she got married in her late 30's, got pregnant with her first at 39, and then suffered 8 (yes 8!) miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies before conceiving her second son at 42, and with only one tube.  Even then, they thought her baby had died because her numbers kept going down.  She was scheduled for a D&C but she demanded an ultrasound.  They saw her baby bouncing around in the uterus and had a perfect heartbeat.  He is now 12.  They call him the "Miracle Child".  Don't give up hope, Gal #3 reminded me, and she too has promised to continue to keep me in her prayers.

Tuesday night was a night of ups and downs, but in the end I felt really good about it.  I felt like I stood up for something important, and I was blest by 2 ladies that shared their stories of hope and their love for me.

23 comments:

  1. Good for you for standing up for yourself and for all infertiles!

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  2. Think I was guilty of the same thing Gal #2 said. Now I know better. As for venting your downers, that's what a blog is for. So you 'take it out' here instead of on DH! Still praying for both of you...

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  3. You are so strong to stand up and vocalise what we all feel but are too scared to say. I admire you and know that strength of character will take you a long way in this journey.
    Its nice that the other gals tried to give you support, even if it was misguided. I personally sometimes find it hard when others share their stories with me as sometimes it turns into a competition of who has had the most pain, I hope it didnt feel that way for you.

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  4. Two things: 1) I love that you said something to gal #2. I also have finally started telling people how their "helpful" advice is really, not so helpful. 2) LOVE gal #3!!! Love stories of hope...I cling to them....

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  5. Good for you for standing up to gal #2. I wish I had said
    something like that to the woman at the lab who told me
    having kids of my own wasn't all it was cracked up to be
    and that I should adopt to help kids in need. After I walked out
    I thought of all the things I should have said to her. If only I
    read your post first. Thank you for sticking up for all of us!

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  6. Wow, I can't even imagine three people coming up to me from out of the blue and you handled it so well. Good for you!

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  7. Your stronger than me I would of ripped their heads off by the 3rd person lol.

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  8. I am sorry you went through that.. but GOOD on you for standing up for yourself!! You know something.. even when you will get pregnant the comments won't stop! I told a woman at work how this is our miracle baby as we were not supposed to have kids etc. She said that she knew someone who had 7 miscarrages before getting pregnant and how that must be so much worst that going through IVF .. I looked at her nodded and walked away! How the hell does she know what know and why would you compare my "situation" with that of another woman... I have all the things I wanted to say in my mind but none of them came out... You did right to set her straight and hopefully she will not say the same to any other woman!

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  9. Sounds like you had an emotional night. I am glad you were able to calmly tell gal #2 about how her comments aren't helpful. I know people like that mean well...but they just don't understand how hard it is.

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  10. Good for you for standing up and speaking for yourself and all IFers. People just need to be educated on how difficult it is to hear their 'helpful' advice.

    I'm sorry it was a rough night, but it sounds like you came through it well!

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  11. You go girl!! so glad you defended yourself. No, it is not helpful and yes it is very annoying.

    Always in my thoughts and definitely praying for you.

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  12. Glad you got some hope out of the evening and are also able to see that gal #2 didn't mean any harm (who REALLY does?) but needed to know that in her attempt to be helpful, she was not only NOT helpful, but indirectly hurtful too. I don't think (for the most part) that people mean intentional hurt, but when they don't know it does, they continue...so good for you for giving her the true perspective!! I always want to tell people (who don't know we had a FAILED adoption before we started IVF) that all that blabber is just BLABBER....you are right--statistically, it is RARE! Or that one doesn't just run out to KidMart and adopt a child. For pete's sake...it's more expensive to do a domestic adoption in the US (usually) than 3-4 cycles of IVF!!!

    People just don't get it. So good for you for using your pain for good and helping them.
    Many prayers for you!!!

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  13. I'm so proud of you for telling gal #2 that! I had a similar conversation today in the teachers lounge. I told several friends we have decided to adopt and another teacher blurts out, "well now you will get pregnant." I told her that is pretty unilikely since I need medical intervention for it to happen. I told her that sure that does happen sometimes and I don't rule anything out with God, but we are not adopting in hopes of getting pregnant. I know she means well, but I'm just sick of hearing it.

    On a positive note...don't you just love people who have something positive to share!!

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  14. Good for you! I'm glad you Gal 2 what's what. I know a lot of times people just repeat advice that they've heard other people say, and that's how those STUPID advice rumors get started! I finally went off on my mom last week for telling me that I was just too stressed. It's SO ridiculous. IF is a medical condition, just like diabetes. You wouldn't tell someone with diabetes to "just relax!" GEEEZ. People need to educate themselves before they try to "help." So, way to go, sister!

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  15. That's so great! Glad you were able to stand up to that lady...even if she was just trying to be polite, it does come across as rude!

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  16. Good for you for standing up for yourself! I HATE the unsolicited advice that comes along with discussing IF! One of the worst I heard was "When God thinks your ready to have a baby, you will" All I kept thinking was "SEE this finger...yep the middle one...sit and rotate!"
    Hugs!

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  17. AHHH, so very glad you shared that with us and with gal #2. I'm myself tired of hearing that verdict, as the majority of people I know who've adopted haven't gone on to get pg. And like Jennifer, I'm not adopting 'in hopes of' getting pregnant. I'm adopting because I feel called to, and yes, I would still like a biological child, I'd be lying if I said I didn't, but my child will be MY child regardless of how she comes to me (and I pray more than once!!).

    Those stories of hope are awesome, and are blessings, so glad they shared with you. I have a friend who had 3 kids and wanted more, she had 5, yes,5 m/c and people thought she should just give up, she should quit and be happy with what she had, but she just couldn't, there wasn't a peace in her heart about it. She continued seeing REs, got second and 3rd opionions, and is now the happy mother of 5!! She had twins 7 months ago, and said her family would never have been complete without them. So, I think that you can never tell someone else what to do or how to live or what their choices should be.

    I'm sorry people keep questioning you about adoption, I know that it isn't pleasant, and that they mean well, but that really that is hurtful too! Sending prayers your way for peace and guidance!! Keep speaking in honesty, you are a blessing!

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  18. Way to go! If we all follow your good example, we can rid the world of a lot of stupid comments.

    I for one am also sick of all the miracle stories. At this point, I just want anyone who hasn't been in the trenches herself to just SHUT UP!

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  19. UGH! The dreaded stupid comments! They are the worst. People really don't use common sense before they speak, I'm convinced of it. Apparently they are all smarter than our RE's. I realize people think that they are trying to help, but c'mon. It really convinces me that most people don't take infertility seriously. It's like they think we choose this because we can't relax, etc. Maybe we should all go on vacation, relax, drink a bottle of wine, adopt a baby while there, and man up our men- it's what the "experts" recommend after all ;) Sorry, I couldn't resist.

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  20. BRAVO! So proud. People do NOT understand. People's mouths will get them in trouble EVERY time. So sorry, but so proud you let her know! Good for you. Praying for you, friend!

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  21. Good for you! I htink you handled it so well! Its annoying when people just want to 'fix' our problems.

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  22. Ughhh, I've had that adoption talk as well, with a dear friend. My dear sweet friend said consider adoption and relax and it will happen. Hummmm, if that were the cure all us infertiles would be mega geniouses!!!

    I'm sorry you endured this...I seem to get the "are you pregnant" questions and why is it taking so long questions. Sigh. And, if I don't indulge in a drink at a party...the buzz begins. So, I have taken to watering plants with alcohol :)

    HUGS

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  23. Good for you for representin' the rest of us IF!

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