Sunday, January 30, 2011


Lately, every time I get on Faceb.ook, I see this event invitation staring back at me, mocking me even.  I received this invitation a couple months ago.

It's for a baby shower.

Not only is it for a baby shower, it's for a baby shower for a lady that knows that Babe and I are dealing with infertility.  

She is the same lady that knew that our IVF did not work.  

She is the same Gal #2 that in April, told me I should "just adopt", and how she knows people that have adopted and got pregnant after.  I told her off and set her straight about how wrong she was then.  You can read about it here.

Oh and did I mention that this will be her 3rd baby?  Yes THIRD!!  Number 3!!

Wait a minute, I thought people only had baby showers for their first baby.  Am I wrong?  Do people have baby showers after the first one?

I'm sorry if I'm being critical, but is she doing this just for gifts?  I know that times are tough, and she may not be doing well financially, but still.

I understand that she is happy to be pregnant again and want to share her joy with her friends, but I think that it is just inconsiderate and insensitive.  Maybe she wants to make sure that I don't feel left out if I found out she is having a baby shower and I am not invited.  

But I think she could have been more sensitive.  She could have told me in person about the shower and asked if I would like to attend, and then send me the invitation.  Instead, I get the invitation on Faceb.ook, along with 40 other people.

Am I just being too sensitive?

I don't plan on going anyway, but have not responded to the invite.  Not sure if I even want to get her a gift.  I'm not even that close to her.

The other thing is, we are both going to be in the same group in a program a church, so I will be seeing her every week for the next 10 weeks, until she has the baby.  I don't even remember when she said her baby is due.

I suppose I could just say no the the invitation, don't give an excuse, and just hope she doesn't ask why.  

She should know why, right?  Or am I just being presumptuous?

Am I the one being too sensitive?

** Update**
Thanks to everyone that commented.  I have declined the invitation on Faceb.ook, and thankfully it no longer appears when I sign on.  I still have not decided if I will get her a gift.  Her shower is more than 3 weeks away, so I have time to decide.


  1. No, I don't think you're being too sensitive. I think the entire situation just sucks (your situation, that is) and I also think a shower for her 3rd baby is a bit much. I've heard of doing a "sprinkle" for the 2nd if it's a different gender, but by your 3rd baby you should be all set. Just my opinion.
    PS- You can remove that invitation from your profile without responding. I do it all the time. In the top righthand corner, if you hover your mouse around a little "x" will show up. Click it and wah-lah!

  2. You're not being too sensitive. I just think there are some people who REALLY don't get it. Not that I'm making excuses for her but the fact remains, there are few that unless they have been through it, truly understand how much something like that hurts. One of my closest best friends recently said something SO stupid that I wanted to smack her but in her case, I know she just doesn't understand. She has two kids and got pregnant right away with both of them so I just have to let it go. If I were you, and this is just my thought, I would decline the invitation saying that you won't be able to attend (you don't need to give a reason and in fact, I think it's better if you don't). I would also, believe it or not, send a gift. Why you ask? Two reasons: 1. There is a chance to shame her by showing her that she's an insensitive ass but you're a better person than she'll ever be. I do things like this often. I'd get the nicest card & a thoughtful gift because it's my way of saying, "F*ck you. I'm a nice person. Nicer than you and I'm going to show you just how nice I am." And #2. When you do become a mom, then that bitch will owe YOU a present. :)

  3. I can't believe she is having a shower for her 3rd! I wouldn't feel bad in the least for not going...once you say no to the invite I think it will at least stop showing up on your FB page! I don't think you even need to give a reason! Ugg...some people drive me nuts.

  4. I am a strong believer in only one baby shower! Anymore then that is just being greedy.

    I would just reply "NO" and if she asks...which would be pretty ballsy just say you can't make it that day. I doubt if she would continue to pry after that.

  5. Speaking as someone who has never struggled with infertility, I can honestly say there is no way for us to fully "get" what you're giong through. Therefore, it is impossible for people without fertility issues to know and avoid the hurtful triggers that you are constantly faced with. Of course, that is no excuse for the completely ignorant things such as "why don't you just adopt"...although, I have adopted, I realize that is not for everyone and certainly won't cure you of wanting a biological child. I guess some people are just more ignorant than others. :)

    On the topic of a 3rd baby shower...I, personally, think every baby should be celebrated. I don't view it as someone only seeking gifts. (though I'm sure at times it is) For babies after the first, I think diaper or meal showers are a great idea. Or, a no gift shower, where people just come together to share the excitement of a new addition. However you do it, I do think every baby deserves that. That being said, I don't think you are wrong for not going. That is fully your choice. Do what you're comfortable with...and hopefully she gets a clue soon. :)

  6. I agree with the above. Some people just don't have a clue. I was at a family party yesterday and mentioned to my aunt that after 3+ years of TTC with no success, we're doing IVF this cycle. She pulled me aside and told me to put my feet up on the wall after doing the deed - that's how she got pregnant with my cousins! Ugh, give me a break. Just reply no and remove it from your page.

  7. I agree that every baby should be celebrated, but I also believe that a full out shower for anyone but the 1st baby is tacky and wrong. Subsequent showers or sprinkles should be reserved for your closest friends and relatives, and kept simple. Sounds to me like she's an idiot. Hopefully, she didn't go as far as registering!

    You have so much energy going into the emotions of dealing with infertility, don't waste any of it on ignorant people. I would simply decline, and send a card with a small gift card. That way you don't have to put much thought into it- much like she's done with you. You could even do a gift card for something like Starbucks- a nice thought for mommy, and a good way for you not to have to deal with buying baby type items.

    If she's tacky enough to push you on why you didn't go, I would definitely be honest, but keep it short and sweet. Again, no need to waste your energy on educating the infertility ignorant. If she doesn't accept that, then she's not worth your time anyway.

    I'd like to add that I completely skipped my own nieces 2nd baby shower. It was a full out shower, tons of people invited and yes, she even registered! I didn't even bother sending a gift. Hey, if she can be tacky, so can I! I made plans with a friend that day, enjoyed myself and didn't think twice about it. I bought a gift for the baby after he was born and called it good.

  8. I think there are some occasions when it is acceptable to have a shower for a second or third baby, such as if there was a long amount of time between them (so that it is likely the parents already got rid of some baby stuff) or if the parents moved locations (so that the people attending are not the same ones who went to the first one). For example, my sister had a baby shower for her third child, but she was living in a different state than when she had her first two children and her friends in her new community wanted to celebrate with her.

    My approach to showers of any kind is that an invitation is not an obligation to buy a gift. If you want to go, go. If you don't, don't. And you don't have to buy a gift if you don't go.

  9. You're not being sensitive, she's a horse's ass! Just saying! People are having showers more and more for subsequent children, but it's more appropriate for her to have a simple "sprinkle" that is simply for re-stocking basics! I'd reply NO and leave it at that. She doesn't deserve more than that at this point. You aren't being too sensitive!!

    My sister's SIL, asked her (my sister) if I would like to be invited to her shower, and to please tell me that I absolutely didn't have to come, but she didn't want to have an invite showing up without a warning! That's considerate, and not too much to ask. We also had friends get pregnant after my first loss and, then I lost my second. They called hubby to say that we were certainly invited to their shower, they didn't want to leave us out but they also didn't want the invite to show up on a rough day, or ruin a decent day! Those things are thoughtful! And we could all go on and on about insensitive people!

    Just do what is best for you and know that we all have your back no matter what you do!

  10. i relate. it is for this very reason that we have not, and do not plan to post our pregnancy on facebook. there is no need to cause that kind of pain, when i know that i blocked many people from facebook when i learned they were pregnant.

  11. Nope! You're not being too sensitive. It's my opinion that there are many people who could use some sensitivity training (or a swift kick in the butt!) Not only is it insensitive to send you the invite via fb, it's just plain tacky.

    As far as showers for subsequent pregnancies, there are etiquette rules that apply. Like for me, if we're able to have another, they'll potentially be around 7 years apart (or greater). Even now, much of my baby stuff is long-ago donated or given to friends and I'd basically need to start over again. I also live in a different state now and would have totally different people at my next (hypothetical) shower. Both are pretty good reasons for another shower. But I did recently get invited to a baby shower where her first is only 18 months old! Seriously?!?! And she's having another girl. Now that's just wrong!

    BTW - Glad to see you writing again. And yes, even if you're not writing about IF treatments, I'll still read your blog ;-)

  12. You're not being too sensitive! Don't feel guilty or worry about it at all. If you don't feel up to it, don't go! I have a couple posts about invites you can check out!
    BTW, I featured your blog tonight!

  13. one sentence: "I won't be able to make it". then send or don't send a small gift. Don't sweat it. I don't do baby showers either, and even though everyone knows that they still invite me, I think they're trying to be nice and make me feel "included". Who knows what people think, eh?

  14. ICLW

    a little late on this post, but I agree, after #1 there are no more baby showers allows. My bad-baby-shower day started off with a baby shower for a co-worker that I could not get out of and then continued later that night when I received 2 initiations in the mail. One for for a friend, the other was for a person who I had never met, didn't know who she was. It took some time and a phone call to my hubs' cousin to figure out who it was. I declined by an e-mail that said "give my love to the family" - it was snotty but I felt appropriate.