The great thing about a group like this is it is a great place to be around people that are going through, or have gone through the same struggles and be able to share, relate, and vent. We are able to support and encourange one another, and give each other hope. I have met some really nice ladies and have developed great friendships here.
Like it or not, we are all reluctant members of this infertility "club". We are all on a journey to get out of this club. We hope and pray that the someone's IUI or IVF works next. Or that someone gets matched soon. Or someone gets pregnant.
The hard part however, is "WHO'S NEXT"?
What if her IVF/IUI works? Who's going to get pregnant next? Or get matched next? What if it's not me? It's probably not going to be me!
I desperately want my IF friends to get pregnant, or bring their adopted babies home. But yet it hurts when it does happen.
This sounds terrible, but sometimes, I secretly hope things don't work for them. (Yikes! I can't believe I am actually writing this!!) In a way, I hope that we stay the same as we are right now. Because I'm selfish. I'll admit it.
If I don't succeed, I don't want anyone else to either. Because if they succeed, and I don't, that means I have failed. It's hard being a failure for 6 years. It's hard to see others moving on, while I am left behind.
I believe I'm not the only one that feels this way. Please tell me I am not the only one that feels this way?
OK, deep down I really do want things to work out for others. Really.
But why can't it work out for me?
Why can I be next?
You are NOT the only one...I think we all secretly feel this way. We want things to FINALLY work out for US. This is normal...I'll be brave enough to admit that I think this too sometimes!!!
ReplyDeleteI think every IF'er feels that way. We want to be happy for others, but at the same time, we want the same for ourselves.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
You are definatly not the only one who thinks this. I can't tell you how many times i have been jelous of someone elses BFP and cursed them under my breath. I don't mean it but it's hard not to think that way. You are not alone in this!!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you...I have these feelings too! I really don't know if I ever WON"T have them (unless God totally takes this away). It's a part of the pain the IF thorn brings.
ReplyDeleteAgreed!! We feel so conflicted! My bff recent started trying and if she gets pregnant soon I will be so happy and relieved that she won't have to go through the thorny journey I've been through. But at the same time I don't want to be the only one left with an empty womb. Thanks for being bold and sharing what we all feel!
ReplyDeleteI know this may sound trite, given my current situation, but I have felt the same way. I have wept the bitter tears behind closed doors when an IF friend announces their success. This is the one club we didn't want to join, can't wait to leave, and hate to see someone else get out ahead of us.
ReplyDeleteHang in there hon. You aren't alone.
I feel the same way about a group of IF friends s well.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same. Even though I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I don't want to be alone either. But I am.
ReplyDeleteWe all have those feelings at some point. You just said what many of us have felt. It seems harsh when you say it out loud, but I think we all know it's not said with hatred.
ReplyDeletePraying that YOU will be next to get a BFP. It took me 8 years to get to this point. Have faith!
You are certainly not the only one! You are just brave enough to say it out loud! And none of us want to be the one left behind.
ReplyDeleteSending you love and good vibes!
Most definitely you are not the only one who feels this way. I also believe that it is not because we are selfish that we feel this way and that it in fact self preservation. We need to know that there are others in the same boat as us!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog, and I am so glad I am not alone in feeling this way. Thanks for being honest :)
ReplyDelete