Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Loss

Sorry I've been quiet for the last few days.  Not too much to update.  Still waiting for the RE to get back from vacation next week and see if I can get in to see her earlier.

Since my transfer got cancelled (would have been last Wednesday), I have now heard of at least 3 confirmed pregnancies of fellow bloggers and ladies from the Baby Center groups.  I'm ecstatic for them but sad for myself.  Sometimes I worry that my day may never come.

I have been thinking though.  How does one grieve over the loss of a canceled IVF transfer?

I've grieved my BFN from my first IVF.   But how do you grieve the loss of embryos that stopped growing?  These embryos died.  These embryos were babies.

I realize it's probably not the same as someone who's miscarried a baby, one with a confirmed pregnancy.  I can't even fathom what that would be like since I've never had a BFP in my life.  Or someone whose baby died suddenly during pregnancy.  I found out just a couple of years ago that my mom actually lost a baby at 8 months.  I can't even imagine what she went through.  It was her first baby.

Compared to those, losing my 2 embryos at 2-cell and 4-cell seem so insignificant.  But it is still a loss.  How do you grieve over something like that?

Yes, my embryo transfer was canceled, but does it mean it is less of a loss?  My embryos did die.

My last IVF cycle, I had 8 eggs that fertilized, but only 2 that made it to day-5 transfer.  I never thought about those other 6 embryos that did not make it.  I only grieved my BFN.  I guess it never occurred to me to grieve over those, just my BFN.

So, what do you think?  How do you think I should handle this loss?  If you've had an embryo transfer that got canceled, how did you handle the loss?  Did you grieve over it?

On another note, I took my last dose of Endome.trin tonight.  Looking forward to not having anymore side effects from that, or the reminder of my canceled transfer.  On the other hand, I have a feeling my fuller b00bs will now shrink back to their normal smallish size.  The bigger b00bs, that I will miss.

26 comments:

  1. you are right. these sweet embryos are babies. you have every right to grieve their passing. had those eggs been fertilized inside your womb they would have been a miscarriage. (i mention that just to validate what you said, i hope this doesn't come across wrong. i'm trying to agree with you. i guess i see it as the same as a miscarriage) they were, are, and always will be a life that was short lived and as mommy, you do get to grieve. i am so sorry for this loss. for your very tender heart. i wish i had some great thing to say that would make it better but maybe just having someone else recognize these tiny lives as babies will help a little bit??? (((hugs)))

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  2. Please let yourself grieve for your sweet embryos. When we had our transfer, the doctor gave us a picture of the two that were transferred. I immediately fell in love with them. They are and were your babies and I pray that you will be able to grieve them in whatever way helps your heart heal. Thank you for continuing to post. We are all praying with you.

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  3. You can totally grieve for the lost of your embryos. They were at one point viable embryos. They were made up of you and your husband. It's okay to allow yourself to grieve. I hope and pray that you will be comforted during this time.

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  4. Please don't feel that your loss is any less significant than any other loss, be it a baby at 8 months or a baby at the embryo stage. This is YOUR loss and I feel deeply for you. I think you should take whatever amount of time to allow yourself to grieve and remember what happened. It's different for everyone, but you should not feel bad or ashamed or that you should be grieving less than any other person who has lost a baby. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

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  5. it is a loss and you should grieve it as such. i'm so so sorry. i really wish it was different. hugs.

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  6. There is no correct or incorrect way to grieve during this process. However, we need to make sure we allow ourselves the time to do it. No one should ever tell you that you shouldn't feel a certain way. Be kind to yourself and go shopping! Hugs!

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  7. It is a loss. It's a loss of a life, a loss of hopes and dreams... My failed IVFs were not as bad as miscarriage, but pretty darn close. But, loss is whatever it is to you of course...Fertility is loss itself. So, it's loss on top of loss.

    I think the only thing that helped was time and getting away from infertility (whether that be by a trip/ hanging out with childfree friends, whatever) and finally, planning another cycle.

    It sucks though. And I am so sorry to go through it.

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  8. OH and a massage was REALLY beneficial.

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  9. Loss is loss. Period. The worst thing you can do is to compare and minimize your own grief and loss. I highly recommend a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Russell Friedman. It will help validate what your feeling (at least it did so for me). Your dh may want to read it as well.

    And once again, I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. Love and hugs to you!

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  10. It is completely natural to grieve the loss of your embryos and your canceled cycle. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

    Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I was telling my hubby about you the other night and how heavy my heart is for you.

    xoxoxo

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  11. Please allow yourself to grieve. I agree with all the other comments, a loss is a loss. Allow yourself to feel it and don't feel bad about your feelings. I am so sorry you are going through this.

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  12. Yes I agree with everyone, you deserve the time needed to grieve...it doesn't matter if you're embryos were one day old. They were your embryos and they didn't survive, and that is an awful thing to experience. Your loss is no easier than any other type of loss, so it deserves and requires the same kind of grieving. Take care of yourself hun, cry, and don't worry about taking the time to feel this and recover in your own time. Here for you!!

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  13. I'm so sorry for you. I wish I had something that could make it seem more understandable and I just don't. It surpasses understanding. And I'm just heartbroken for you because I don't have a clue of what the 'grieving process' would be. I don't think there is one. Your pain is yours. Just today, after I told a lady that I lost my son 4 months ago, the lady said, "Have another. You just have another."
    What???? No one would ever tell a woman who just lost her 6 year old child to "Have another."
    But somehow, because it's a baby, whether an embryo or a full-term perfectly healthy baby, it doesn't seem significant to other people.
    But that's because they don't have the perspective that you now sadly do.
    And again, I am so sorry you do.
    Many prayers continue!!

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  14. Grieve for them. They were living and growing. I understand how you feel. I felt alot of those same feelings after my failed IVF in January. We were given pictures of our two embies on transfer day. One stopped growing on Day 3. My doctor didn't want to transfer it because it had not grown anymore by Day 5, and he said it may compromise the other embie. But, to me, it was perfect. It made me sad to "give up" on that one. It was part of us, our potential baby. I still find myself full of sadness over the loss of my two embryos and my failed IVF.

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  15. How do you grieve....

    You mentioned this not being the same as a miscarriage, where a pregnancy was confirmed. As someone who suffered the loss of a miscarriage I can tell you that you grieve the loss of a baby and also the loss of your dreams and aspirations for that child. I don't think there is any difference in you losing your embies, as you grieve the same dreams and aspirations. Loss is loss, not matter what the situation. We grieve in that we fall in love and feel attached the moment we know the possibility is real.

    I'm so sad that you've learned of new pregnancies, as I know what that does to a person. I learned of one this week and it derailed my day. I was happy for this person, but it conjured up all sorts of feelings for me.

    Praying for you friend and know that I am sending you love.

    xo

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  16. You have every right to grieve. I certainly can't tell you how to do that, but you have the right and you should. Thinking of you and praying for you!

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  17. I had a hard time with my IVF BFN for the obvious reason but also because none of my embies made it to frozens. I felt like I had lost them. :( I think you have a right to feel the way that you do. Thinking of you! Hugs

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  18. These sweet embies were indeed your babies. When one loses a baby directly after a BFP and I consider your loss much like theirs. They mourn not over 1 child they had a relationship with, but over the unknowns. Was it a boy or girl, what would they have been like. Were their eyes like their daddy, and their little smiles like their moms? You mourn hopes and dreams. YES This loss is so much like a miscarriage. I've not loss babies at pre implantation but have lost many in-utero. I'm so sorry you are feeling this pain and want you to know that you are not alone in your sadness.

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  19. My canceled IVF cycle was the hardest one for me as it was the most hopeless and the one that scared me the most. I wish you peace and hope that you can give yourself time to mourn this loss, as I know that it is a real loss.

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  20. Sorry, I'm a little late reading your post, but wanted to share something that has helped me out along the way.
    In the book "The Infertility Companion: Hope and Help for Couples Facing Infertility" the authors, Sandra Glahn and Dr. William Cutrer write this: "If you have experienced a loss following an IVF cycle -- whether your embryos didn't survive, you had a miscarriage or you lost one of more children in a multiple gestation -- grief is a normal response to your situation. Couples who experience such losses have nothing tangible to connect them to their child -- no lock of hair, no photograph -- so they often struggle with the pain they feel, even doubting whether the pain is legitimate. It certainly is. That tiny life is of infinite, eternal worth to the Creator. A human life has been lost and grief over that life is real and valid."
    The part that stands out to me and has comforted me through my three failed IVFs is "That tiny life is of infinite, eternal worth." Think about that for a minute. Infinite, eternal worth. So, it's OK to grieve. I still grieve for my babies that might have been. Big virtual hugs to you as you grieve your loss.

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  21. There are no right or wrong ways, there is only loss. And it's a real loss, so grieve it however you want.

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  22. Even if you had no embryos, nothing has to die literally in order for hope to die, right? What could have been, what should have been? Al the work that went into getting to that point. All the physical responses your body goes through with IVF, all the emotional investment, the expectation, the promise.... and then nothing. There's a lot to grieve there.

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  23. While i've never had a cancelled IVF transfer... I've come pretty close as all of my IVF cycles have only ever ended up with 1 embryo and all were BFNs. You said that having a cancelled transfer probably isn't as bad as a misscarriage but I don't think you should be so hard on yourself as I felt every bit as sad and lost after my IVF bfns as I did after my 2 misscaraiges... For me the loss was just the same, still felt like my whole world had caved in on me and my heart had stopped beating. So although I haven't been in your exact situation, I do know that pain is pain no matter how it got there so don't feel like you have to diminish yours just because it happened a little earlier in the piece. Its so hard and I'm so sorry you are here. I hope each day gets a little easier for you from now on.

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  24. The loss of a little flame of hope is a huge loss, despite the fact that the flame lived in a 2-cell embryo. I think anybody in your position would be grieving. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  25. Hi, here from Stirrup Queen.
    I've known your pain. I've been thru many losses myself and am currently waiting to know the health of my latest attempt. Our embryo isn't developing at the normal pace. Technically I'm 7 weeks pregnant but my embryo doesn't look that old.
    I don't know if I can do this again. This try has taken 13 months to get to this point.

    I wish you all the luck and peace you need to achieve your hearts desire.

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  26. Very nice post. Gaudium IVF centre in Nigeria is a hope for infertile people Nigeria.

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