Sorry I've been quiet for the last few days. Not too much to update. Still waiting for the RE to get back from vacation next week and see if I can get in to see her earlier.
Since my transfer got cancelled (would have been last Wednesday), I have now heard of at least 3 confirmed pregnancies of fellow bloggers and ladies from the Baby Center groups. I'm ecstatic for them but sad for myself. Sometimes I worry that my day may never come.
I have been thinking though. How does one grieve over the loss of a canceled IVF transfer?
I've grieved my BFN from my first IVF. But how do you grieve the loss of embryos that stopped growing? These embryos died. These embryos were babies.
I realize it's probably not the same as someone who's miscarried a baby, one with a confirmed pregnancy. I can't even fathom what that would be like since I've never had a BFP in my life. Or someone whose baby died suddenly during pregnancy. I found out just a couple of years ago that my mom actually lost a baby at 8 months. I can't even imagine what she went through. It was her first baby.
Compared to those, losing my 2 embryos at 2-cell and 4-cell seem so insignificant. But it is still a loss. How do you grieve over something like that?
Yes, my embryo transfer was canceled, but does it mean it is less of a loss? My embryos did die.
My last IVF cycle, I had 8 eggs that fertilized, but only 2 that made it to day-5 transfer. I never thought about those other 6 embryos that did not make it. I only grieved my BFN. I guess it never occurred to me to grieve over those, just my BFN.
So, what do you think? How do you think I should handle this loss? If you've had an embryo transfer that got canceled, how did you handle the loss? Did you grieve over it?
On another note, I took my last dose of Endome.trin tonight. Looking forward to not having anymore side effects from that, or the reminder of my canceled transfer. On the other hand, I have a feeling my fuller b00bs will now shrink back to their normal smallish size. The bigger b00bs, that I will miss.