Coping

I'm coping.

I've gotten used to the idea that this cycle was cancelled.  Wait, is it considered cancelled, if everything went well until egg retrieval and then your embryos don't make it?  I don't know.  I guess it doesn't really matter.

People ask me how I'm doing and I am doing OK.  I really do feel OK.  I'm fine if I do not think about the disappointment of this cycle.  That's easy to do as I keep myself busy during the day.  I read blogs or emails, write posts, watch shows on hulu.com, etc.

Bedtime though is tougher.  I crawl into bed and lay down my head, it's quiet all around me.  My Babe may or may not be already asleep.  It surprises me how fast and intense the sadness hits me and I start crying.  I just can't help it.  The tears come even when I will myself not to think about it.  Maybe it's my body's way of releasing all the pent up disappointments from the day.

It's getting better though.  I cried only for a brief moment and fell asleep much faster last night.  It will get better.  It already has.  Soon, I will be able to fall asleep without crying.

Again, I am humbled by all the comments, prayers and well wishes I've received in the last couple of days. Thank you for your support through this time.  I also received a comment from a gal on my journal on Baby Center  (which is automatically imported from this blog) that the cycle before she conceived her daughter, she had zero fertilization on all of her 8 eggs, even with ICSI.  She was told that the only way she could get pregnant was with donor eggs.  She switched REs, protocols and got pregnant.  This gives me much hope!  Thanks, katie2424!