Phone Consult & Short Vacation

First off, I have to apologize for being MIA for a couple of weeks.  If you have been waiting for me to update here, I'm sorry it took me so long.

On 6/4, I had my post transfer phone consult with Dr. Keenan.  He was genuinely sorry and disappointed that our transfer didn't work out.  He said everyone at the clinic were shocked and disappointed that I was not pregnant.  He said there was no good reason why I did not get pregnant.  My lining was good.  The transfer went well.  The embryos were of good quality.  I had an endometrial biopsy done prior to my transfer, and that should have increased my chances.  He doesn't think it is an issue with the embryos since we had embryos from 3 different donor families for all three of my transfers, and each family has had successful pregnancies.

He suspects that I may have implantation issues.  I asked him what that means and he said there is something in the uterus that is not favorable for implantation, but it may be impossible to really know what it is.   He said there are not much research done on implantation issues in humans (since it would threaten a pregnancy).  I asked him about additional testing for issues such as autoimmune issues, as suggested by others.  He said there is no evidence of autoimmune issues causing EARLY pregnancy losses like a chemical pregnancy as in my case.

I asked about the 3 attempt per pregnancy policy at NEDC and if he would make an exception.  He said most women should get pregnant by their third try.  I can't remember his actual words, but it was pretty much no.  He did however bring up the topic of special needs embryos.  He said there is possibly a chance we could try again with special needs embryos, though he was not comfortable with it.  These are embryos that may have a higher risk of medical conditions and is usually overlooked by adoptive families, such as embryos where siblings have been born with a heart condition or downs syndrome, or a parent is HIV positive, etc.  A transfer wish these embryos would be treated the same as other transfers, meaning I would still need a current home study.   He said if that is something Babe and I are interested in, then he will have Angie, the coordinator contact us.  That afternoon itself, Angie emailed me that Dr. Keenan had approved us to do another transfer with special needs embryos and wanted to know if we wanted to see the profiles.  I told her we had not decided and would like her know when/if we were ready to see those profiles.

So, at this point, we don't really know what our next steps are.  We could do another round at NEDC with special needs embryos but I am not sure if I am comfortable with that at this point in time.  We could try another agency or clinic that does embryo adoption or embryo donation, but we would want to make sure if there are any issues that we can rule out that can affect implantation, such as autoimmune issues.  Or we could focus on going back on the route of traditional adoption.  We are currently in a holding pattern as to our next steps.

Instead of making a decision, Babe decided that I needed a break from all this and sent me on a short vacation to Florida.  He would have come with me but he does not have much vacations days.  I went to visit a friend from high school, one I have not seen since I was 15!  It was fun catching up, and it was nice to be able to chat with her about our journey.  She too had gone through infertility, had a couple  of miscarriages and now has a 5-year old son.  We went on a glass bottom boat ride in Key Largo, toured the Everglades on an airboat, checked out alligators, held a baby alligator in my hands, ate some fantastic key lime pies, and checked out the (in)famous South Beach of Miami.  And that is the reason for my delayed update here on my blog.

Checking out fish and corals on the glass bottom boat

View from the back of the boat

Some of the homes and boat in Key Largo

Our neighboring airboat hunting for alligators

The (in)famous South Beach of Miami

ICLW & 6dp3dt

This week is ICLW, International Comment Leaving Week.  It seems that I have missed the last 2 month's ICLW and didn't even notice.  Shame on me.  If you are visiting for the first time, or it has been awhile since you stopped by, this is a pretty important time for me.  Last Friday, Babe (i.e. hubby) and I just had our transfer of adopted embryos from NEDC.  You can read about it here if you'd like.  Please pray for a positive outcome as the last 2 transfer in November 2013 and January 2014 both resulted in chemical pregnancies.

Our first beta is next Tuesday, May 27th, the day after Memorial Day.

Today is 6dp3dt.  Today, the embryos continue to implant into the uterine lining.

This morning I gave myself the PIO shot as Babe is traveling for work.  It went pretty smoothly with no issues.  I met a friend for lunch and later, another friend for coffee.  By late afternoon, my right hip was really sore, so much so that I started limping.  I am wondering if I maybe hit a nerve during my morning shot.  By the time I got home, I could barely stand it, so I took an ibuprofen (I later found out I should have taken Tyle.nol instead!), put a hot pack on it and laid down to rest.  I was super tired anyways so I took a short nap.  By the time I got up, the pain has subsided a bit and was more bearable.

Not long after that, I had to give myself the evening PIO shot.  I do my evening shots on my left hip.  To relax the muscles of my left leg and hip, I had to put my most of my weight on my right leg, the leg where my hip was sore from this morning's shot.  It was not fun trying to twist my body to the left, using my left hand to give myself a shot, AND putting my weight on the sore leg.  In the end, I managed.  I'm hoping my left hip will not give me too much trouble tonight and that the pain on my right hip will be gone tomorrow.

So far, no real symptoms.  No real cramping either, maybe just some uterine "stirrings".  Not sure if that is a good or bad thing.

5 more days to our first beta test!

Transfer Day 5/16/14 (Delayed Post)

Today is 5dp3dt.  Yesterday the blastocysts continued to hatch out of their shells and attach itself to the uterus.  Today, they will attach deeper into the uterine lining and begin implantation.

I am finally getting to the post about my transfer day.  I apologize if you have been patiently waiting for a more detailed post about our transfer.

Our transfer was on Friday, May 16th at 11am EST.  I started drinking water a little over an hour before the transfer.  I was a little nervous because at my first transfer in November, my bladder was not full enough, so it had to be filled with at catheter.  That was not real fun.  The other reason why why my bladder was not full enough was because after I started drinking water, I had to have a #2 (bowel movement/poop!) and ended peeing too.  Sorry, if TMI!  

I was nervous because I was trying to "go" before starting to drink water.  Man, what a relief it was when I actually "went".  Now I could concentrate on just drinking water and filling my bladder.  At 10 am, an hours before the transfer, I took my medication for the transfer: Va.lium, Al.buterol, and 3 ibuprofen tablets.

We arrived and checked in at NEDC at 10:30 am.  I was already relaxed and a little giddy from the Va.lium.  We were shown into the recovery room and met Julia, one of the nurses working that day.  She was the same nurse that helped us back in November too.  I undressed below the waist and put on hospital gown and cap.  This time, I only wore the snowflake necklace that Babe gave me for Christmas, unlike back in January where I was decked out in a ton of snowflakes: earrings, necklace and socks.

Candy, the new IVF nurse that replaced Katie (we miss her!) stopped by quickly to introduce herself.  Dr. Keenan stopped by and chatted for a bit.  He asked a few questions and had me sign some paperwork.

Then Carol, the embryologist stopped by and gave us our embryology report.  She thawed all 5 of our 2PN (day 1) embryos.  Of those, 3 survived the thaw and had grown into multi-cell (day 3) embryos.  I was a little sad that 2 of the little embryos did not make it.  

Unlike blastocysts which are graded with a number and 2 letters, multi-cell embryos are only graded with a number from 1 (best) to 5 (worst).  Out of the that made it to multi-cells stage, two were graded at 1, and one was graded at 2.  

Below is a photo of our 3 embryos.  As I mentioned before, Babe as affectionately named them "The Three Amigos".

1. The first (A) was graded a 1, with 8 cells.  This looks good.
2. The second (B) was graded a 2, also with 8 cells but its cells were fragmented.  Carol didn't think this little guy would make it.
3. The third (C), was graded 1.  This is our little overachiever as it was already a morula, meaning it was already a day 4 embryo.

We were going to transfer all three of The Three Amigos!

Embryo A, graded 1; Embryo B graded 2 with fragmented cells; Embryo C graded 1,  morula stage.

It was time for my transfer.  I walked to the procedure room and carefully laid myself on the table and put my legs in the stirrups, trying to be careful about my sore butt.  Dr. Keenan asked if my bladder was full enough and I said, I hope so.  I told him I drank 2.5 - 3 bottles of those 16oz bottled waters.  I didn't feel super uncomfortable but I could tell my bladder full.  Candy the new IVF nurse put the ultrasound want on my belly to see how full I was.  At first she was having some trouble getting the right angle and needed some help from both another nurse, and also Dr. Keenan.  When we finally got a good view, Dr. Keenan said my bladder was borderline full, but he could work with it.  So, thankfully I did not need to have my bladder pumped even fuller with a catheter.

There was a large TV screen on the wall that I was able to see the ultrasound image on.  The dark blob towards the top and middle of the screen was my bladder.  The middle part below the bladder where the "+" sign was my uterus, and to the left of it, the cervix.

He then inserted the speculum and proceeded to clean the entrance to my cervix with first a warm saline solution (I think), and then with an alcohol solution that stung like heck (which he apologized for)!  He did a test transfer first where he inserted a catheter in through my cervix and into my uterus.   He told me to watch for a white line (the catheter) snaking in from the left.  It was only a test transfer, so there were no embryos in the catheter.  When we were all ready, Carol the embryologist passed the embryos in a catheter to Dr. Keenan through a window to and adjoining room.  I'm assuming that is where the lab or incubators are.  I was asked my name, birthday and how many embryos were were transferring.  Dr. Keenan inserted the catheter with the embryos into my uterus and told me watch for the white flash light.  There was the white flash of light!  The babies were in!

The catheter was removed and Carol checked the catheter to make sure no embryos were left behind.  We were done!  You can see 3 little white spots below the "+" sign where the embryos were placed.  I'm praying that The 3 Amigos will snuggle in and stick around for the next 9 months.

I have to admit, I was a lot more nervous this time around.   Probably because this could be our last time here if this transfer does not result in a successfully pregnancy.  But Dr. Keenan is so sweet.  He said to stay positive, and he will be praying for a positive outcome!

I laid on the table and rested for a few minutes before making my way onto the bed where I was wheeled back into the recovery room.  Babe was waiting for me with a smile.   He had been chatting with Julia and she even recommended a Cuban restaurant to us.

The foot of the bed was raised and I was told I had to rest there for 30 minutes.  I was glad my bladder was not extremely full as the longer I laid there, the more I felt like I had to pee.  Towards the end of the rest period I was crossing my legs and was anxious to use the bathroom.  When it was time, I was allowed to use the bathroom and change back into my regular clothes.  We were given our after transfer care instructions.  On our way out, the receptionist gave me a slip with the date and time of the post transfer phone consult with Dr. Keenan.

On our way back to the hotel, we stopped by Mimi's Cafe for lunch.  I would love to go back there some time for dinner.  When we got back to the hotel, I took a 5 hour nap.  The Va.lium really got me.  For dinner, we went to La Cabana, the Cuban restaurant recommended by nurse Julia.  It was a first for the both of us, and it was pretty good.  We just took the rest of the night easy, watching movies on TV at the hotel.

My first beta is next Tuesday, May 27th, day after Memorial day.  It's only less than a week away.  We'll have to see if I have any symptoms this time around, since I didn't have any previously.

1dp3dt & 2dp3dt

Transfer was on Friday, so today is technically 2dp3dt (2 days post 3 day transfer).  Babe and I have affectionately named our three embryos "The Three Amigos".  And he is convinced they are all boys!

According to this link, yesterday, which would be one day post transfer, The Three Amigos were continuing to grow and develop, turning from 6-8 cell embryos into morulas.  We know that at transfer, one of the embryos was already at the morula stage, so hopefully he is already at the the blastocyst stage.

Today, which is 2 days post transfer, the cells of the morulas continue to divide, developing into blastocysts.

Yesterday, we hit a blood vessel when doing my morning PIO shot.  Yeah, fun times.  So Babe pulled out the needle, switched out to a new needle and found another spot to "stick it to me".  Two sore spots on the same (right) side.  I sleep on my right side, so I wanted make sure I got the right side in the morning shot and not the evening one.

Yesterday I also had the pleasure of meeting Lara from Living Our Miracle.  Lara, her husband and I met for dinner.  Babe couldn't join us because he had a deadline to meet for his job.  It was so fun to chat and get to know each other.  In the end, we spent almost 3 hours at dinner!  The main reason we had to leave was because we both had to go back to our hotels and get our PIO shots.  She had her transfer this morning at NEDC, so it was great for me to be able to meet another NEDC mama!  I am praying that this transfer will result in a healthy pregnancy for her.

We left for MN early this morning.  We had to get up at 5 am (4 am MN time!) to catch an 8 am flight.  When we got home, the first thing Babe did was give me my morning PIO shot.  Then we both took our showers and napped for a few hours because we were so tired.

Based on this calculator, my due date for my day 3 transfer is supposed to be February 2nd, 2015 for a singleton.  If we have twins, my due date is January 11th 2015.  I'm not even going to look at the due date for triplets!

My first beta (pregnancy test) is on Tuesday, May 27th.  So, 9 days to beta!

Finally, Our Transfer Date

I have been waiting for my May transfer date and protocol all week.  I knew I would get it by Friday because Katie, the nurse's last was was Friday.  On Thursday, I heard that some of the ladies on the FB embryo adoption/donation group had received their protocols.  Yet, I still did not get mine.  I knew that in the past, my transfers were usually towards the end of NEDC's cycle because I was transferring blasts.  So I assumed mine would be towards the end again.  I was getting pretty anxious.  So Friday morning, I sent Katie an email saying I still have not received my protocol yet.  I received an response that she was working on the protocols then and hoped to get them all by the end of the day.  At a little after noon, I finally received my protocol.

My transfer is scheduled for Friday, May 16th.

I was pretty excited to get my transfer date and a little earlier than I had expected.  Then I noticed that the stage of my embryos to be transferred is 2PNs (day 1 embryos).  I was a little surprised as I was expecting to transfer blasts (day 5 embryos).  I called Katie and spoke to her about this.  Because our new donors has both 2PNs and blasts, NEDC's normal process is to thaw and 2PNs first and grow them into multicells (day 3) and transfer them.  That way if none of the 2PNs survive, NEDC would still have time to thaw the blasts and we would not have to cancel our transfer.

I'm a little torn about this.  We selected the donor family based on the fact that they had blasts, and we were planning on transferring blasts.  The fact that the donors also has 2PNs was more of an afterthought.  I am worried that we will not have a successful an outcome with 2PNs as with blasts, though I know many people have had success with transferring blasts, multicells and 2PNs.  On the other hand, Dr. Keenan had suggested we consider transferring different stage embryos this time around since we had transferred blasts the last two transfers.  I think we had decided on blasts because we still had leftover blasts from our last donor family.  I had asked Katie about the success rate of embryos from different stages and she assured me that many pregnancies have resulted from all three stages and the success rate is the same.

Katie said that if we really wanted to, we could call the embryologist on Monday (she was out of the office) and talk to her about it.  We do have a total of 7 2PNs and 5 blasts, so it is possible that we could have enough blasts to transfer if we really wanted to.  However if none of the blasts survive the thaw, then our transfer would be cancelled, though this is highly unlikely.

Babe and I need to talk about this a little more and decide if we should just go with the normal NEDC process as they obviously know what are doing, or if we want to push transferring blasts.  I think I am just a little shaken up realizing that we may not be transferring blasts after having setting my mind on it.  But maybe that is not such a bad thing.  I just have to shift my thinking a little.  I will be praying about this.

After getting my protocol, I called the pharmacy to order my medications for this transfer.  This time, I ordered only what I really need to get me through the transfer and my first beta.  I still have some leftover meds from my previous cycle too.  Plus, with the new pharmacy, and maybe this year's coverage has changed, the some meds cost a lot more than before.

When we were still working with Briova, the PIO (progesterone in oil) only cost me around $20 and $4  for 4 vials each time.  This time around, it cost me about $60 for 2 vials!  I'm so glad I ordered the PIO from Briova last time, even though I didn't need it then.  Also, now I have to pay for the syringes and needles, whereas in the past, it came free.  I'm waiting to order needles and syringes since I have a lot of extras from past transfers and a fellow blogger friend who is now pregnant sent me her extras.  I thought it was unnecessary then, but now I am grateful for them.  Es.trace is still super pricey, costing me about $3.50 each tablet (and I need about 70 to last me through my beta).

And this showed up at the door yesterday morning via overnight service.

It is a lot less than my usual order of meds, but like I mentioned earlier, I only ordered what I absolutely need.

• 2-week Lu.pron kit + extra syringes and needles
• 2 vials of progesterone in oil (PIO)
• 15 tablets of Es.trace
• Albuterol for transfer
• Diazepam (Vali.um) for transfer

Next step, I'll be starting my Lu.pron shots on Tuesday.

Donor Family Next Steps

Yesterday, my period finally arrived.  Five days from my last dose of Es.trace and PIO shot.

Getting my period after a procedure is always hard.  Last transfer was hard because I was technically pregnant, even if just barely.  Therefore the period indicated I was miscarrying.  This transfer is even harder..... as not only was I pregnant, I had a high beta number.  We were overjoyed for a few days until we found out it was again, another chemical pregnancy.  So yesterday, my period marked that I am again miscarrying.  But this time it is harder.  My pregnancy was more real.  I am experiencing the loss of my babies.

On Friday, I spent over an hour on the phone with Debbie, our counselor that works with donor and recipient families at NEDC.  Since we will have to wait until May for our next transfer, we will most likely have to update our home study before we can do our transfer as our current home study expires in April.

From our discussion, I found out some things that I did not know or even had to consider back in May of last year when we did our matches with our first two donor families.

• NEDC requires a recipient to have at least 6 embryos adopted before a transfer.  Because we currently have 2 embryos left from our current donor family, we will need to be matched with at least another donor family to meet the minimum number of embryos.  Therefore, we will need to have at least one other ODA (open donation agreement).
• There are no expiration dates on the ODAs.
• If we end up going with a different donor family for our next transfer (not use our existing embryos), we could reserve the current embryos for future siblings, and the current ODA will still be valid. However, because this next transfer will be our third and last at NEDC (we are only allowed three tries), we may have to release our leftover embryos if this next try is not successful.
• For our next transfer, we will need one or two new ODAs,  depending on if we end up selecting one or 2 different donor families.  We will pay one fee for up to 2 ODAs, but only if we need 2 families to meet the minimum of 6 embryos (minus the 2 we already currently have).

Last week, I had contacted Angie, the patient coordinator at NEDC and requested additional Asian/Caucasian and Asian donor family profiles that had not already been sent to us back in May of last year.  I was considering if we should look at profiles of Caucasian families too.  I was concerned if Caucasian families would reject an Asian/Caucasian biracial couple like us.

I spoke to Angie on Friday and asked about looking at profiles of Caucasian donor families.  She said NEDC does not have any rules or policy against a biracial couple like us adopting Caucasian embryos, so we are more than welcome to request those profiles.  I asked if Caucasian families are accepting of a biracial couple like us adopting their embryos.  She said she did not know off hand or had any numbers of such cases.  It would be up to the donor families to accept or decline our match.

*Note: I asked Angie if NEDC has a policy about us adopting Caucasian embryos, because I knew that NEDC tends to reserve biracial/multi-ethnic embryos for couples of the same ethnicity because the pool of embryos tend to be very small.

So in the mean time, there are lots to think about.

1. Do we want to consider asking for profiles of Caucasian donor families, or just look at the limited pool of Asian/Caucasian and Asian families we already have?
2. Do we want to stick with blastocysts, or change to embryos from either 2PNs or multi-cells?
3. Once we have considered the above, we will actually have to select one or two donor families, and then wait to see if they accept our match.

Whew!!  Lots of things to consider.

Post Transfer Consult

This last few days has been pretty tough.  To add insult to injury, the night of my 3rd beta, my nose started running, and I have been down with a cold.

Thank you for the many kind comments here and from those on FB as well as texts from friends.  I've had a ton on thoughts running through my head, trying to process this and next steps.  But that will have to wait for a later post.

On Thursday, I had my post transfer consult with Dr. Keenan.  He actually called me earlier than our scheduled appointment time because he had some free time.  Since I was available, I spoke with him then.  In the end, he ran out of time to answer all my questions. 

This phone consult wasn't that much different from my first one from my November transfer.

• Though not as great as my last transfer, embryos were good at 3AA, 2AB and 2BC (though 2BC was not expected to survive).  The embryos were not an issue.
• The transfer went fine without any problems and my lining was good.
• There was nothing after the transfer that would have cause this not to work.  I wasn't sick and was pretty relaxed.  
• There was no reason why this transfer wouldn't have worked again.  
• There is no reason medically why we can't try again.  It would be up to Babe and I if we are emotionally ready or want to try again. 
• I asked about his thoughts about how my first beta was so high and it dropping after that, and he didn't know why that would happen either.
• I said, based on my research, though no one really know for sure why it happens, chemical pregnancies are usually due to abnormalities in the chromosomes of the developing embryos.  I asked him if he thought this was true in our case since we have had embryos from two different set of donors so far.  He said it is usually true, but we can never be sure since they cannot test the embryos for abnormalities at transfer time.
• I also asked for clarification about the quality of the embryo at transfer time (4AA, 6AA, etc), is that any way tied to abnormalities in the chromosomes of the embryo, and he said no.  He cannot tell if there are any abnormalities in the chromosomes in the embryos unless they were specifically tested for that.
• I asked if for our next transfer, would we still only transfer 2 or would he consider 3 since it would be our last try and also I am over 40.  He said he would not transfer 3 unless they don't think a third one would not survive (like the last transfer in January).
• I also asked about what the percentage is of women that have gone through a third transfer at NEDC and is still not successful.  He said he didn't have a number that he could provide, but it was very low.  I'm not really sure what I expected from him with this question.  I guess I was just curious... as I seem to alway seem to be one of those in the statistics.

He suggested that I do an endometrial biopsy before the start of the cycle for my next transfer.  He just wants to make sure there is nothing abnormal and make sure everything is good in the uterus.  

Since we have only 2 embryos left from our current donor family, we have to pick another donor family.  He suggested we consider picking a family with embryos that are at either the 2PN (2 day) or multicells (3 day) stage.  Our current 2 embryos are blastocysts (5 day).  If we pick new embryos from a different stage, we will not be able to use our current embryos for this next transfer as our primary as they embryos have to be at the same stage.  

Dr. Keenan said we should consider switching to 2PNs or multicells just to try something different for the next transfer.  There is no real medical reason to do so, but to try something different.  Having said that, he also suggested we consider the family that is right for us, and also to look at the age of the wife at the time the embryos were created.

After speaking with the doc, I found out that the March transfer calendar is fully booked.  So we will now have to wait till May for our next transfer.  Until then we have to:

1. Pick a new donor family, including deciding what stage embryos we want to adopt, as it will determine how many donor families we can pick from
2. Get an endometrial biopsy done before start of my cycle for the May transfer.

About My Embryos

Thanks everyone for all the birthday wishes.  I had a low key but pretty nice birthday.  To celebrate, Babe and I went out to dinner at a fancy restaurant that provided complimentary wine and dessert.  He kept telling me he didn't know what to do for my big 40th, nor what to get me for a birthday gift.  In the end he ended up getting me what I wanted exactly, a Kin.dle Paper.white.  And I was just about ready to order it myself from Ama.zon!  Not only that, that stealthy hubby of mine managed to throw a SURPRISE birthday party with the family at the park near my house the day after my birthday.  Sneaky little bugger!  In the end, I had a pretty awesome 40th birthday.  Don't forget to sign up for my birthday giveaway if you have not already done so.  Tomorrow, Sunday is the last day to sign up.

Last Friday, I emailed Carol, the embryologist at NEDC and found a few more things about the embryos we adopted.

Carol was able to tell us the quality of our embryos when they were cryopreserved.  However, that does not mean that they will be the same quality when thawed and culture to transfer.  The embryos will be re-graded after the thaw.   We will be presented with pictures and their new grades at the time of transfer.

This was Carol's explanation of the embryos to me:

• For blastocysts (which is what we adopted), the embryos are normally graded with a number and two letters.   
• The number is how expanded the embryo was at the time of cryopreservation and really does not have anything to do with the quality.  Excellent embryos can be anywhere from 2-6, with a fully expanded embryo being a 5, and a hatched embryo being a 6.  
• The first letter is the intercell mass which becomes the baby, and excellent quality are A & B, and then the letter goes down from there (C, D, etc.)
• The second letter is the trophectoderm which becomes the placenta and again A & B are excellent quality.
• From our first donor, the five embryos are graded at 3AA, 3AA, 3AA, 6AA and 4AA (all excellent quality embryos according to the embryologist).  The embryos are frozen in three vials - 2 vials with 2 embryos each, and one vial with one embryo.
• From our second donor, all three embryos are graded at 4AA (again all excellent quality embryos according to the embryologist).  The embryos are frozen individually, one embryo per straw.

Because our embryos are all at the blastocyst stage, we will not need to do assisted hatching, which would have cost us an additional $525.  Also, all our embryos are already at NEDC so we do not need to pay any additional cost for shipping.  Yay!

Loss

Sorry I've been quiet for the last few days.  Not too much to update.  Still waiting for the RE to get back from vacation next week and see if I can get in to see her earlier.

Since my transfer got cancelled (would have been last Wednesday), I have now heard of at least 3 confirmed pregnancies of fellow bloggers and ladies from the Baby Center groups.  I'm ecstatic for them but sad for myself.  Sometimes I worry that my day may never come.

I have been thinking though.  How does one grieve over the loss of a canceled IVF transfer?

I've grieved my BFN from my first IVF.   But how do you grieve the loss of embryos that stopped growing?  These embryos died.  These embryos were babies.

I realize it's probably not the same as someone who's miscarried a baby, one with a confirmed pregnancy.  I can't even fathom what that would be like since I've never had a BFP in my life.  Or someone whose baby died suddenly during pregnancy.  I found out just a couple of years ago that my mom actually lost a baby at 8 months.  I can't even imagine what she went through.  It was her first baby.

Compared to those, losing my 2 embryos at 2-cell and 4-cell seem so insignificant.  But it is still a loss.  How do you grieve over something like that?

Yes, my embryo transfer was canceled, but does it mean it is less of a loss?  My embryos did die.

My last IVF cycle, I had 8 eggs that fertilized, but only 2 that made it to day-5 transfer.  I never thought about those other 6 embryos that did not make it.  I only grieved my BFN.  I guess it never occurred to me to grieve over those, just my BFN.

So, what do you think?  How do you think I should handle this loss?  If you've had an embryo transfer that got canceled, how did you handle the loss?  Did you grieve over it?

On another note, I took my last dose of Endome.trin tonight.  Looking forward to not having anymore side effects from that, or the reminder of my canceled transfer.  On the other hand, I have a feeling my fuller b00bs will now shrink back to their normal smallish size.  The bigger b00bs, that I will miss.