How Quickly Things Can Change

First of all, I want to thank everyone for all the kind comments on my beta result and "I Feel...." posts.  You have no idea how much those comments mean to me.  Everyday, I check my email waiting to see if anyone else had commented.  I get so much encouragement and draw so much strength from all those kind words, it brings me to tears reading them.  It's amazing how God can use total strangers (most of you I have never met) to touch me so deeply.  And it's wonderful.

When I first wrote the "I Feel" post, I just needed to spill all the thoughts and feelings I had going through my head.  When I was done, I had second thoughts about posting them.  There are some pretty ugly stuff there, and I was scared to share them.  It felt vulnerable.  I'm so glad I did as it has brought me such encouragement to read the comments that have come through.

When I was in Knoxville, I met 3 other women going for their transfers at NEDC.  The day before the big beta day, we had one confirmed pregnancy (first beta Friday before), one unconfirmed pregnancy, one unconfirmed not pregnant, and mine was unknown.  By the end of beta day, we had one more confirmed pregnancy!  Unfortunately, the one with the confirmed pregnancy found out that her numbers had dropped pretty dramatically and was having a chemical pregnancy.  In the end between the four of us, we have one pregnancy, confirmed today with a healthy double of the hCG numbers, one chemical pregnancy and 2 who are not pregnant.  How quickly things can change.  But we are happy that at least one of us is pregnant and we will continue to root her on.  We are grateful to have each other to walk this journey together this transfer.

Last night, I was so shocked and saddened to find out that the domestic infant adoption for one of the couples from my adoption support group had fallen through.  This is so heartbreaking.   I had just heard a few weeks ago that they had been matched and the baby was going to be born really soon.  I was ecstatic for them.  But now, I am heartbroken for them.  What touched me so was at this time of grief,  they thought of me and found time to email me, telling me they are thinking and praying for me.   Please pray for this special couple.  These few days have not been good for our adoption group.

On a lighter note, I am grateful that I am finally off those PIO shots.  For some reason the injection sites on my left hip had developed big sore lumps.  After a few days, those lumps seemed to have combined into one huge lump.  The joke was that I now had three butt cheeks.  Now that we have stopped the shots, the lump had gotten a lot smaller, but my hips are still sore from the PIO shots.

Another pro of stopping the PIO shots..... I am no longer bloated.  I noticed this transfer, my belly had gotten pretty bloated.   While I was on PIO shots, my "fat pants" which were way too loose, were no longer my "fat pants".  Within 24 hours of stopping my PIO shots, they are now my "fat pants" again.  Thank goodness!

I have a feeling my period will arrive within the next day or so.  I'm guessing Friday, most likely Saturday.  I am already feeling slight cramping so I am expecting it to be here soon.  The last 2 transfers which resulted in chemical pregnancies, my period arrived 4 days after all medication were stopped.  That sound about right for this time too.

1st Beta In The Morning

It's finally here. It really does come down this THIS.  Tomorrow, Tuesday at 9:30 am CST I will have my first beta (pregnancy test) for this May transfer.

The local clinic will draw my blood, send it to the lab, and the results will be faxed to NEDC.  I won't get the results from the local clinic, but instead will have to wait till the afternoon to hear the official result.  I'm a little nervous about getting the result from the new NEDC nurse.  So far, I have not been impressed with her.  One of the NEDC mamas that I met in Knoxville had her beta on Friday.  She called the clinic Friday afternoon and found out that the nurse had already left for the day without calling her with the results of her beta.  Can you imagine what it's like waiting for the results and not getting it?

When I was in Knoxville for my transfer I met up with 3 other NEDC mamas that had transfers around the same time, two 2 days before me, and one 2 days after me.  So far, one has been confirmed with a positive pregnancy with a good first beta number.  Two more took HPTs (home pregnancy tests); one is unofficially pregnant, and the other unofficially not pregnant.  50% of us are pregnant so far, so where will I fall in this numbers game?

I am the only one that has not taken a HPT.  I don't plan on taking one unless I find out that I am pregnant, just so I have proof.  Tomorrow, I'm sure NEDC will be super busy with the effects the holiday weekend traffic.  All four of us NEDC May transfer mamas will have our betas tomorrow, three with first betas and one a second beta.

Not much has changed since my post about doubting that I am pregnant.  Ok, maybe I don't feel as low as I did when I wrote the post nor do I feel the impending sense of doom anymore.  I am still not feeling super excited about my beta.  I want to know the result, but also super nervous about the result.

When I wrote the post, I felt not pregnant.  There is a difference between NOT FEELING pregnant, and feeling NOT PREGNANT.  Do you know what I mean?  I felt NOT PREGNANT then, now I am not so sure.  I know pregnancy symptoms or lack of mean nothing this early.

Last night, I spent some time reading my posts from back during my November and January transfers and how the beta numbers played out, reliving the roller coaster of emotions.  It's interesting to see the progression of emotions, of how positive I was in my first transfer, and then how more and more guarded I was/am since.  I am praying with all my heart that I do not have to go through the heartache of another chemical pregnancy.  Though it would be even more crushing if the results came back negative all together.

There is a lot at stake here.  A. LOT.  If this doesn't work, we are done working with NEDC.  We are only allowed 3 tries at NEDC.  I know many people say three times a charm, and know of at least 2 other NEDC mamas that have had success on their third try at NEDC (twins and triplets!).  I feel like I have always been a number, falling on the wrong side of the statistics.  But we shall see how things go tomorrow.  Not sure what our next path will be if this doesn't work.

I have also been thinking a lot of the donor family from this transfers.  We have not had any direct contact with them yet, going through the counselor so far.  We plan to only have communication once there is a pregnancy, and they understand our desire to do so.   I am hoping that this is the family that we will an open relationship with as our family grows.

My beta is in less than 12 hours.  I would appreciate prayers for tomorrow as me and 3 other NEDC mamas get our betas.  I am humbled to know that I have many, many people praying for me, not just for this transfer but also in the past, and have been supporting me for a long while.  So thank you.  

Post Transfer Consult

This last few days has been pretty tough.  To add insult to injury, the night of my 3rd beta, my nose started running, and I have been down with a cold.

Thank you for the many kind comments here and from those on FB as well as texts from friends.  I've had a ton on thoughts running through my head, trying to process this and next steps.  But that will have to wait for a later post.

On Thursday, I had my post transfer consult with Dr. Keenan.  He actually called me earlier than our scheduled appointment time because he had some free time.  Since I was available, I spoke with him then.  In the end, he ran out of time to answer all my questions. 

This phone consult wasn't that much different from my first one from my November transfer.

• Though not as great as my last transfer, embryos were good at 3AA, 2AB and 2BC (though 2BC was not expected to survive).  The embryos were not an issue.
• The transfer went fine without any problems and my lining was good.
• There was nothing after the transfer that would have cause this not to work.  I wasn't sick and was pretty relaxed.  
• There was no reason why this transfer wouldn't have worked again.  
• There is no reason medically why we can't try again.  It would be up to Babe and I if we are emotionally ready or want to try again. 
• I asked about his thoughts about how my first beta was so high and it dropping after that, and he didn't know why that would happen either.
• I said, based on my research, though no one really know for sure why it happens, chemical pregnancies are usually due to abnormalities in the chromosomes of the developing embryos.  I asked him if he thought this was true in our case since we have had embryos from two different set of donors so far.  He said it is usually true, but we can never be sure since they cannot test the embryos for abnormalities at transfer time.
• I also asked for clarification about the quality of the embryo at transfer time (4AA, 6AA, etc), is that any way tied to abnormalities in the chromosomes of the embryo, and he said no.  He cannot tell if there are any abnormalities in the chromosomes in the embryos unless they were specifically tested for that.
• I asked if for our next transfer, would we still only transfer 2 or would he consider 3 since it would be our last try and also I am over 40.  He said he would not transfer 3 unless they don't think a third one would not survive (like the last transfer in January).
• I also asked about what the percentage is of women that have gone through a third transfer at NEDC and is still not successful.  He said he didn't have a number that he could provide, but it was very low.  I'm not really sure what I expected from him with this question.  I guess I was just curious... as I seem to alway seem to be one of those in the statistics.

He suggested that I do an endometrial biopsy before the start of the cycle for my next transfer.  He just wants to make sure there is nothing abnormal and make sure everything is good in the uterus.  

Since we have only 2 embryos left from our current donor family, we have to pick another donor family.  He suggested we consider picking a family with embryos that are at either the 2PN (2 day) or multicells (3 day) stage.  Our current 2 embryos are blastocysts (5 day).  If we pick new embryos from a different stage, we will not be able to use our current embryos for this next transfer as our primary as they embryos have to be at the same stage.  

Dr. Keenan said we should consider switching to 2PNs or multicells just to try something different for the next transfer.  There is no real medical reason to do so, but to try something different.  Having said that, he also suggested we consider the family that is right for us, and also to look at the age of the wife at the time the embryos were created.

After speaking with the doc, I found out that the March transfer calendar is fully booked.  So we will now have to wait till May for our next transfer.  Until then we have to:

1. Pick a new donor family, including deciding what stage embryos we want to adopt, as it will determine how many donor families we can pick from
2. Get an endometrial biopsy done before start of my cycle for the May transfer.

Beta #3 Result

It's officially over.

The beta this morning came back at 20.  Dropped from 159 on Thursday, 44 yesterday and now, 20.  It's another chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage.

This has been the hardest thing I've had to deal with so far.  We were ecstatic just a few days ago thinking we will finally be parents after almost trying for 10 years.  Now we are crushed.  This feels like a cruel joke.

I will have a phone consult with Dr. Keenan on Thursday.  We'll have to wait and see what his thoughts are.

Not sure what the next steps are.  So much to consider.

Beta #2 Result

Unfortunately, it is not good news.

Beta #2 came back at 44, dropping from 159 on Thursday.  They would have expected my number to be in the 500's or higher today.  It is probably another chemical pregnancy.  

Dr. Keenan was surprised at the number today as the first one was so high for a first beta.  He wants me to go back for another beta tomorrow, just in case there was a mistake.  So I continue my Es.trace and PIO for yet another day, just in case.

I am in shock right now.  Here we were over the moon, guessing if we would have one or two babies coming.  And now, we find out there will be none.

Please keep Babe and I in your prayers.   Right now I'm not even sure what to ask for specifically in prayer..... A miracle?  Comfort?  Direction?  All of the above?

Ugh... this sucks so bad on so many levels!

Post Transfer Consult & January Transfer

In case you are wondering if I had fallen off the face of the earth after our last transfer and chemical pregnancy, the answer is no.  Actually Babe and I were on vacation down south, to the (slightly) warmer state of Texas.  It's actually pretty funny, the day we left last Saturday, Dallas was actually warmer than Anchorage, Alaska!  It was a good thing we didn't fly into Dallas.

On Monday, while on vacation, we had our post transfer phone consult with Dr. Keenan.  This was actually scheduled before we left NEDC on our transfer date.  Dr. Keenan said there were a few things that he wanted to go over and try to figure out what, if anything would have caused this transfer to not be successful.

1. The embryos:  The embryos were excellent, at 6AA and 4AA after they were thawed, so they were great.  There were no problems there.
2. My lining:  My lining was fine at the transfer.  Again, no reason for concern there.
3. The transfer process:  The transfer we perfectly without a hitch, so not a problem.
4. Anything post transfer:  I mentioned that I was sick with a cough and was on antibiotics and inhaler meds, and he said that was not a problem.  I also mentioned that was some stress due to a death in the family, pain from the PIO and travel.  Dr. Keenan said, as far as stress, as long as I was not so deeply affected by it that I could not sleep or eat, it would not have been a problem.  Everything else should not have been an issue either.

So, as I am already aware, sometimes even with the most perfect embryos and best situations, we may still not be successful.  Dr. Keenan said sometimes, it may take more than one transfer for us to be successful.  If we wanted to go back for a January transfer, we could do that.  I told him we have already decided we would do that, and Katie already has put on the list of January transfers.  He said let's pray that the next time we would be successful.  I love that he used the word "pray".  Even though he does not say things outright, I can tell he is a man of faith.  Did I already mention that I love Dr. Keenan?

On Thursday, I received my protocol from Katie for our January transfer.  Our transfer date is Tuesday, January 21st.

I'm already on BCP, and am looking forward to moving forward to our January transfer.  I just put together my calendar with all my dates and times for meds, shots, etc.  I will order my meds on Monday, and will start my Lu.pron shots on December 22nd.

January will be here before I know it.