It's officially over.
The beta this morning came back at 20. Dropped from 159 on Thursday, 44 yesterday and now, 20. It's another chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage.
This has been the hardest thing I've had to deal with so far. We were ecstatic just a few days ago thinking we will finally be parents after almost trying for 10 years. Now we are crushed. This feels like a cruel joke.
I will have a phone consult with Dr. Keenan on Thursday. We'll have to wait and see what his thoughts are.
Not sure what the next steps are. So much to consider.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Friday, September 27, 2013
Why Does This Have To Be So Hard?
** Please be forewarned: Whiny, downer of a post ahead **
Why does this have to be so hard?
It shouldn't be so hard to build a family.
Yes, I have gone through lots to get to where I am today. Months of medications. Multiple surgeries (plus another coming). Multiple IUIs. Multiple IVFs. Adoption homestudies. Still more waiting.
It should get easier after this right? Umm.... no, not really. If you have gone through the infertility journey, you know it's not as simple as just getting to a positive pregnancy test.
In my case, I have to get to my embryo transfer first. Hopefully in November.
After the embryo transfer, there is the wait for the pregnancy test, a.k.a the dreaded 2 week wait. You pray for a positive result with a good number.
I'm sad because at least one embryo adoption mama is not pregnant this week.
Ok, so yay, you have a positive pregnancy test! But then you wait for your hCG numbers to double everyday. If your numbers don't double as expected, chances are you are miscarrying. That's a scary place to be.
OK, your numbers are coming back great. You experience cramping. Or spotting. Or even bleeding. Is this normal? Should you be concerned? So many of these are normal in pregnancies, but it can also mean you are miscarrying. It seems like you can never be sure, always second guessing if you are losing your baby.
Then comes the wait for your next milestone, the appointment to see your baby's heartbeat. This can also be a scary time for many. Most people have wonderful appointments and get to see their healthy babies. But sometimes the doctors don't see a heartbeat. Or there is an empty gestational sac, which means there is no baby.
I'm so sad because my high school friend J. just found out today that she has an empty gestational sac. She is devastated. She struggled for years before getting pregnant with her first, and now just found out she has no baby after all, after being excited about expecting a second baby.
Most people go through life with healthy, happy pregnancies. But for many of us that have struggled to get pregnant, and to stay pregnant, it can be a very stressful time. We never know what the next day may bring. We pray that we will make it to the next milestone, but also expecting the worst to happen. We know that a pregnancy is beautiful, but it can also end at any time. And usually we have no control whatsoever over it.
We feel disconnected, not wanting to get too excited or attached.... just in case it doesn't work out. This is especially true for those that have experienced multiple losses.
Maybe because we infertiles seek out other infertiles. We see success stories, but we also see a lot of failures. Of losses. We know what can go wrong. We see and feel the pain that others go through, and we grieve with them. Even though we may not have gone through the same things, we know it can happen to us. Though we pray that it doesn't. But we know it can.
Though I hate the fact that I have never gotten pregnant before in my life, ever; I am grateful that I have not experienced a loss. But I am also aware that this is a real possibility for me. I have friends and family member that have experienced losses. Even my mom lost a baby girl when she was 8 months pregnant.
So when people ask me if I'm excited about my transfer, that there is hope that I may get pregnant, I can't gleefully say "yes!".
Because truthfully, it's pretty scary. I'm afraid that I might not get pregnant. And I'm afraid I might..... and have to face all the things that could possibly go wrong.
It sucks that this has to be so difficult. Sometimes I wish that I was a "normal fertile" person. One that can just enjoy the excitement of "trying", dreaming of being pregnant and bringing a healthy baby home. One ignorant of the world of infertility.
As I'm writing this, I'm reminded of the conversation with my friend K who is finally pregnant after 6 losses. It was fairly early in her pregnancy and she was being cautiously optimistic but not quite yet super excited about her pregnancy. She was afraid that she would miscarry, expecting it even. She'd lost all the other pregnancies before, why not this one? She didn't want to get excited about it, or get attached to this baby.
I reminded K that there really is nothing that she could do, or not do, to cause or prevent a miscarriage. If it were to happen, it would happen no matter what. Instead, though difficult, she should enjoy her pregnancy. She was a mama NOW. She should savor the time she has with her baby now, even if it is just for a short period of time. We don't know why God allowed her to get pregnant but then took those babies home early. Or if God will take this one too. But He has blest her with this baby now and should savor the time she has with it.
So, I am reminded that I should take my own advice and trust that God has a plan for me. Whatever He brings..... pregnant or not, miscarry or not, I should enjoy each step that I take. I need to remind myself to trust in Him because He has a plan for me. And the plan is good.
He never said it would be easy. But He did say He will be with me every step of the way.
Why does this have to be so hard?
It shouldn't be so hard to build a family.
Yes, I have gone through lots to get to where I am today. Months of medications. Multiple surgeries (plus another coming). Multiple IUIs. Multiple IVFs. Adoption homestudies. Still more waiting.
It should get easier after this right? Umm.... no, not really. If you have gone through the infertility journey, you know it's not as simple as just getting to a positive pregnancy test.
In my case, I have to get to my embryo transfer first. Hopefully in November.
After the embryo transfer, there is the wait for the pregnancy test, a.k.a the dreaded 2 week wait. You pray for a positive result with a good number.
I'm sad because at least one embryo adoption mama is not pregnant this week.
Ok, so yay, you have a positive pregnancy test! But then you wait for your hCG numbers to double everyday. If your numbers don't double as expected, chances are you are miscarrying. That's a scary place to be.
OK, your numbers are coming back great. You experience cramping. Or spotting. Or even bleeding. Is this normal? Should you be concerned? So many of these are normal in pregnancies, but it can also mean you are miscarrying. It seems like you can never be sure, always second guessing if you are losing your baby.
Then comes the wait for your next milestone, the appointment to see your baby's heartbeat. This can also be a scary time for many. Most people have wonderful appointments and get to see their healthy babies. But sometimes the doctors don't see a heartbeat. Or there is an empty gestational sac, which means there is no baby.
I'm so sad because my high school friend J. just found out today that she has an empty gestational sac. She is devastated. She struggled for years before getting pregnant with her first, and now just found out she has no baby after all, after being excited about expecting a second baby.
Most people go through life with healthy, happy pregnancies. But for many of us that have struggled to get pregnant, and to stay pregnant, it can be a very stressful time. We never know what the next day may bring. We pray that we will make it to the next milestone, but also expecting the worst to happen. We know that a pregnancy is beautiful, but it can also end at any time. And usually we have no control whatsoever over it.
We feel disconnected, not wanting to get too excited or attached.... just in case it doesn't work out. This is especially true for those that have experienced multiple losses.
Maybe because we infertiles seek out other infertiles. We see success stories, but we also see a lot of failures. Of losses. We know what can go wrong. We see and feel the pain that others go through, and we grieve with them. Even though we may not have gone through the same things, we know it can happen to us. Though we pray that it doesn't. But we know it can.
Though I hate the fact that I have never gotten pregnant before in my life, ever; I am grateful that I have not experienced a loss. But I am also aware that this is a real possibility for me. I have friends and family member that have experienced losses. Even my mom lost a baby girl when she was 8 months pregnant.
So when people ask me if I'm excited about my transfer, that there is hope that I may get pregnant, I can't gleefully say "yes!".
Because truthfully, it's pretty scary. I'm afraid that I might not get pregnant. And I'm afraid I might..... and have to face all the things that could possibly go wrong.
It sucks that this has to be so difficult. Sometimes I wish that I was a "normal fertile" person. One that can just enjoy the excitement of "trying", dreaming of being pregnant and bringing a healthy baby home. One ignorant of the world of infertility.
As I'm writing this, I'm reminded of the conversation with my friend K who is finally pregnant after 6 losses. It was fairly early in her pregnancy and she was being cautiously optimistic but not quite yet super excited about her pregnancy. She was afraid that she would miscarry, expecting it even. She'd lost all the other pregnancies before, why not this one? She didn't want to get excited about it, or get attached to this baby.
I reminded K that there really is nothing that she could do, or not do, to cause or prevent a miscarriage. If it were to happen, it would happen no matter what. Instead, though difficult, she should enjoy her pregnancy. She was a mama NOW. She should savor the time she has with her baby now, even if it is just for a short period of time. We don't know why God allowed her to get pregnant but then took those babies home early. Or if God will take this one too. But He has blest her with this baby now and should savor the time she has with it.
So, I am reminded that I should take my own advice and trust that God has a plan for me. Whatever He brings..... pregnant or not, miscarry or not, I should enjoy each step that I take. I need to remind myself to trust in Him because He has a plan for me. And the plan is good.
He never said it would be easy. But He did say He will be with me every step of the way.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Weird and Confusing
I meant to write a different post today, but I guess that will have to wait.
Today has been a weird and confusing day.
Firstly, I met up with an ex-colleage of mine for lunch today. A few months before I left my job, I found out that Kath was planning on doing and IVF sometime this year because it is almost impossible for her to have a baby naturally as she only has one fallopian tube due to an ectopic pregnancy. We had discussed IVF and I even lent her a book, and offered to share my experience with her. Then today at lunch, I found out she is going to have a baby in April. No, she is not pregnant, but she is adopting a baby. In fact, she is adopting her cousin's baby as she (the cousin) is having a second unplanned baby, and has chosen not to parent. This came as a surprise, so now they are scrambling to get their adoption paperwork done. I'm excited and happy for them.
Then, today another friend, who had left for Florida to adopt a baby girl, posted on Face.book that it's official that the baby is theirs. The baby was born on Valentine's Day. Their adoption was quick too. Again, happy and excited for them.
So these are all great stories, and I am truly happy for them. Really, I am.
Yet, I am feeling sad. Sorry for myself. Angry. Seems like everyone is moving on, and and so quickly too! But me? Still here, still the same. While things are happening quickly for others. It's s frustrating.
And to add salt to the wound, I received a text from my sister-in-law tonight asking if we would watch their four kids (yes, FOUR kids - ages 2 - 8) while her and her husband go on a long weekend trip.
Why do people think that it is OK to ask someone with no kids to watch their kids???
Do we have the label "you-can-be-my-babysitter-since-you-don't-have-any-kids-of-your-to-watch" on our foreheads? It's so frustrating!!
To be fair, they are looking for someone to watch their kids Friday through Monday, and with me currently not working, I suppose they assume I would be free and hopefully willing to do it. She has also offered to pay me for it. Honestly, I don't want her to pay me. I would rather do it to help her out, a favor, if you will, and not make a big deal out of it. If there is money involved it just won't be right.
Babe thinks we (mostly I) should do it.If When we have kids in the future, we may need help from them. Maybe that's true. OK, that's probably true but I can't help the feeling of resentment.
Some may say I could use the practice. But it's not the same when it's not your own kids. I think it's hard to be responsible for someone else's kids. You don't have full authority to discipline them. What if something happens to them? Or they break something? Like a finger, or worse?
End the end, I think I will end up agreeing to do it anyways.
On a sadder note, the gal I mentioned in my last post, unfortunately miscarried from her IVF. It's so hard to see someone go through IVF, get a positive result, and then miscarry. I want to say that I know how she is feeling, losing her embabies, but I don't. I never got to the positive test result. But I do understand the feeling of loss and grief. Please say a prayer for her and her hubby as they figure out what's next for them.
Sigh...... It's weird and confusing. Feeling happy, sad and resentment all at the same time.
I hope one day I can look back and honestly say that it was all worth it!
Today has been a weird and confusing day.
Firstly, I met up with an ex-colleage of mine for lunch today. A few months before I left my job, I found out that Kath was planning on doing and IVF sometime this year because it is almost impossible for her to have a baby naturally as she only has one fallopian tube due to an ectopic pregnancy. We had discussed IVF and I even lent her a book, and offered to share my experience with her. Then today at lunch, I found out she is going to have a baby in April. No, she is not pregnant, but she is adopting a baby. In fact, she is adopting her cousin's baby as she (the cousin) is having a second unplanned baby, and has chosen not to parent. This came as a surprise, so now they are scrambling to get their adoption paperwork done. I'm excited and happy for them.
Then, today another friend, who had left for Florida to adopt a baby girl, posted on Face.book that it's official that the baby is theirs. The baby was born on Valentine's Day. Their adoption was quick too. Again, happy and excited for them.
So these are all great stories, and I am truly happy for them. Really, I am.
Yet, I am feeling sad. Sorry for myself. Angry. Seems like everyone is moving on, and and so quickly too! But me? Still here, still the same. While things are happening quickly for others. It's s frustrating.
And to add salt to the wound, I received a text from my sister-in-law tonight asking if we would watch their four kids (yes, FOUR kids - ages 2 - 8) while her and her husband go on a long weekend trip.
Why do people think that it is OK to ask someone with no kids to watch their kids???
Do we have the label "you-can-be-my-babysitter-since-you-don't-have-any-kids-of-your-to-watch" on our foreheads? It's so frustrating!!
To be fair, they are looking for someone to watch their kids Friday through Monday, and with me currently not working, I suppose they assume I would be free and hopefully willing to do it. She has also offered to pay me for it. Honestly, I don't want her to pay me. I would rather do it to help her out, a favor, if you will, and not make a big deal out of it. If there is money involved it just won't be right.
Babe thinks we (mostly I) should do it.
Some may say I could use the practice. But it's not the same when it's not your own kids. I think it's hard to be responsible for someone else's kids. You don't have full authority to discipline them. What if something happens to them? Or they break something? Like a finger, or worse?
End the end, I think I will end up agreeing to do it anyways.
On a sadder note, the gal I mentioned in my last post, unfortunately miscarried from her IVF. It's so hard to see someone go through IVF, get a positive result, and then miscarry. I want to say that I know how she is feeling, losing her embabies, but I don't. I never got to the positive test result. But I do understand the feeling of loss and grief. Please say a prayer for her and her hubby as they figure out what's next for them.
Sigh...... It's weird and confusing. Feeling happy, sad and resentment all at the same time.
I hope one day I can look back and honestly say that it was all worth it!
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