"He is Mine", A Poem

I came across this poem on Britney's blog Waiting on God.  Beautiful.... for those who have adopted or thinking about adopting.

A reminder of what adoption is for a birth mother, an adoptive mother, and God's plan.

He is Mine

I tiptoed into your room one night.

I watched you sleeping there.

Your tiny body looked so snug

Wrapped in peaceful slumber's care.

I thought of how you came to be

The child we'd longed to know.

I wondered at the sight of you:

"How could she let you go?"

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I

Felt the pain she must have known.

For I will have to let you go

Some day when you are grown.

A mother I might never meet

Had given me her son.

Yet, surely as you've filled my heart,

A piece of hers you'd won.

"How could she let you go?"

The question kept returning.

And in the depths of my own heart.

A question kept on burning.

"How can I ever let you go

When years have come and gone?"

I stood there by your crib until

The nighttime turned to dawn.

And as the sun peeked through the shades,

The voice of God broke through.

"I trusted her to give him life

And now I'm trusting to you.

"To show him what is right and wrong,

to love him and to be

The one who teaches him the way

To come back home to me.

"He wasn't hers to give, you know.

And he's not yours to own.

I've placed him in your life to love

But he is mine … on loan."

-Valerie Kay Gwin

(from Chicken Soup for The Adopted Soul)

Kung Fu Panda 2: An Adoption Story

Did you know know that Po, the lovable panda, also the main character in Kung Fu Panda and Kung Fu Panda 2 (played by actor Jack Black) was adopted?

Po getting a bath from his dad, Mr. Ping in Kung Fu Panda 2
(image taken from http://www.ign.com/blogs/rehpotsirch/2011/06/24/kung-fu-panda-2-most-emotional-animated-film-in-a-while)

Babe and I just watched KFP 2 tonight, and the storyline among other things, revolves around Po trying to figure out who he is, and what happened to his "real" parents.

I don't know about you, but it never occurred to me when watching the first KFP that Po may be adopted, even though his dad, Mr. Ping, was a goose and he was a panda.  Sure I thought it was funny that Po was so different from his dad, in looks (species!), in priorities, and even when he mentioned the "family secret recipe" for the noodle soups.  But for some reason, never did it cross my mind that he was adopted.

Did it cross your mind?

If you have not seen KFP 2, I'd highly recommend it.  The movie itself is funny and well done.  Po's adoption story and his relationship with his goose father is very sweet, and the emotions portrayed well in the story.

39....Another Year

It's here again.... ANOTHER BIRTHDAY!

I turn 39 today, my last year in the 30's.

I'm not quite sure how to feel about it.  In the past, getting older never really bothered me too much.  Thanks to my Asian genes, most people that do not know me very well think I'm younger than I actually am.  However, after struggling with infertility for more than 8 years, turning 39.... almost 40 is depressing.  My sister-in-law just turned 39 last week, and she has 4 kids, with the oldest being 10.  I'm 39 and have zero kids.  I remember before she got pregnant with her first, her telling me how important it was that she had to get pregnant before turning 30.  Well I'm almost (not quite) 40, and still no kid.

So what can I achieve between now and before I turn 40?  Will I have a baby/child before then?  Highly unlikely.  I will most likely join the older-than-40 first time parents club.  I worry I may be getting too old for this.... will I have the energy for kids in my 40's?

Any one of you out there a first time parent in your 40's?

Not-So-Happy Birthday to me.

Not Much Happening......

Hello there.....

Wow, I can't believe that it's been more than 4 months since my last posting.  I have no excuse.  Just not too much happening.

It's really quite sad since we have been sitting on our adoption paperwork and just need to get it done.  We had our adoption training in April, but not much more progress, so really nothing to report.

I have been contemplating whether to continue blogging here, or start a new blog for our adoption.  I feel like I am in no man's land.... still in the infertility world, but not quite in the adoption world yet.  I would like a blog that I can write without being anonymous, one that I can share with my friends and family the progress of our adoption, but at the same think I like being able to rant about infertility and the adoption process without worrying about offending any friends or family in real life.  But I don't want to manage two blogs.  I think I will wait we are "official", after we turn in our paperwork to decide.

I'm wondering if people are still reading.  Since the last time I was here ( a LONG time ago), I've had a few other followers.

If you are still reading, please comment and let me know  =)

"What God Meant", A Poem.

I found this poem when I came across this blog about embryo adoption.  We often wonder "why me, God?".  Why do we have to go through this painful journey of infertility?  We may never know the answer to the why, but this poem may be what God meant for us.  I think you will enjoy this.

What God Meant

Author Unknown

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. 

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for fertility. 

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment. 

I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know.

March 2012 ICLW

Hello to those stopping by from ICLW.  If you are new to ICLW, it stands for International Comment Leaving Week.  If you are new to my site, welcome.  If you've been here before, thanks for stopping by again.  Time has flown by for me this month.  It feels like a lot has happened, but yet seems like not much progress. 

Our story briefly:  Babe (hubby) and I have been TTC for over 8 years (I cringe every time I look at the number!).  We were first diagnosed with "unexplained infertility"  Since then, we done just about everything... clomid, surgeries for polyps, 4 IUIs, and a total of 4 IVFs, with the last one done last July. My RE determined that we have low egg quality, probably due to age (I am 38).  However, we have been trying for more than 8 years, so we wonder if it had always been an egg issue? I guess we'll never know.

Since the last IVF July, we had taken a break from fertility treatments, and now wondering what's next. At last month's ICLW post, we were thinking about adoption, and trying to decide which one to go with - international or domestic.  Since then, we attended the information meeting at the adoption agency, and we have decided that we would pursue multiple tracks at the same time.  We are currently on the waiting lists for both the US Marshall Islands international program, as well as the domestic infant adoption.  We have started our adoption application and homestudy paperwork.  At the same time, we are also working on the online application for embryo adoption.  With the homestudy, once approved, we can do any of the 3 options.  Of course, we will come to a point where we can only pick one, but in the meantime, we need to get our paperwork done.

I will be posting more about this adoption journey, so stay tuned.

Thought You'd Be Here, by Wes King

I found this video on You.Tube called "Thought You'd Be Here" by Wes King.  It's about waiting for the child we so desperately want.  I've included the lyrics too.

     Somehow, we thought you'd be here by now

     I never knew I could miss someone I've never met.




Thought You'd Be Here, by Wes King

We thought you'd be here by now
Your mother and I
We're praying through our tears that somehow
We might hear your sweet cry
Have we waited too long
It's getting harder to be strong
Is there something we've done wrong

But if you like dancing
I'll make it rain rhythm, and rhyme, and melodies, child
And if you like dreaming
Your mother will make your imagination run wild
Somehow, we thought you'd be here by now

We have a room just for you upstairsIt?s right down the hall
So we'll be close should you ever get scared
We'll come when you call
It's a room full of stories
Waiting to be told
Longing to behold

And if you like laughing
I'll paint you a circus of smiles and ferris wheels, dear
And if you like living
Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near

Somehow...

I never knew the silence could make me so deaf
I never knew that I could miss someone I've never met
Miss someone I haven't met yet

We'll be waiting

Dual Registration & Background Checks

I am now registered for both the Marshall Islands and Domestic Infant Adoption (DIA) program.  This puts me on the waiting list for the DIA program. Once we are officially in the program, we would need to sign another contract for the DIA program, just like we will be signing one for the Marshall Islands program.

Actually, Babe and I had talked about doing the DIA outreach only program, meaning we would not be in the Profile Book, but do our own outreach to find a baby.  This would mean we technically would not need to be in the waiting list.  However, since we are considering embryo adoption too, we will wait to notify the agency about it, since we may only need the homestudy.

I am currently working on a couple of things.  I am in the middle of translating my birth certificate into English, since I was born in Asia.  Fortunately, I am not required to use a certified translator but I will be running it by my sister to make sure that the translation is accurate and "official" enough.

The background check requires that I list all addresses I have EVER lived at since turning 18.  That's a  lot of addresses since I've move a lot since turning 18.  I am also in the process of trying to figure out how to submit a background check with the child abuse registry in Singapore, since I lived there for a little over a year.  It's "fun" trying to contact someone in the child protective services in a country on the other side of the world with 14 hours time difference.  Thankfully, my sister will be helping me with that too.

Fun stuff.

Adoption Info Meeting Update

I have been meaning to post this update.  Sorry, I've been away from the blogsphere for a few days.

So we went to the adoption information meeting last Tuesday.  Not surprisingly, most of the people there were interested in domestic infant adoption.

I have to say that I did not learn too much more than I didn't already know, but I DID find out the following:

• There is a waiting list to start the domestic infant adoption (DIA) program.  This is due to two reasons.  First, there is a Profile Book that birth mothers look at for selecting potential adoptive families.  Only 60 families are allowed in the book at a time.  This makes sense so birth mothers are not overwhelmed at the number of families.  Also, this increases the chance of families being selected and reduces that wait times of families already in the book. Second, one of the larger adoption agencies here in MN discontinued their DIA program last year, so families already in the process were scrambling to find another agency to go with to complete their adoptions.  Many families moved their profiles to this agency, and they are also on the waiting list.  So, if we were interested in the DIA program, it would be another few months, at the very least, before we would be invited to start our application with the program.
• However, if we were to pursue DIA doing our own outreach, meaning we don't go into the Profile Book (which by the way costs $5,000), we would be able to start on the DIA program.  Doing our own outreach means we would have to be creative and do our own "marketing".  Some examples the presenter gave us were webpages, advertisements, Face.book pages, sending letters to friends and families, business cards, etc.  One couple even had t-shirts printed with information about their desire to adopt and wore those to the State Fair.  The cool thing is this agency actually provides outreach training. 
• I also found out that we are allowed to go dual track - meaning we could be on the international and domestic infant adoption programs as the same time.  Up to a certain point, I'm sure.

After the information meeting, Babe and I went to a late dinner and discussed what we had learned.  What the heck, if we can be on dual tracks, let do it!  We are already on the Marshall Island program waiting list, so let's get ourselves on the DIA program as well.  I also asked Babe, what about embryo adoption, would he be open to that?  He said, oh well.... might as well.  So we may also be doing embryo donation!!

The next day, I emailed the adoption agency requesting to be put on the DIA with our own outreach as well.  I also contacted the National Embryo Donation Center (NEDC) in Knoxville, TN.  NEDC does embryo adoption which requires a homestudy, just like a regular adoption.  Their website mentioned going through Bethany Christian Services for the homestudy.  One of my reluctance about doing embryo adoption was having to go through another adoption agency for the homestudy.  It would be great if we could do everything at one place.  So, I left a message with NEDC asking if we are required to go through Bethany for the homestudy, of if any homestudy would suffice.  I received a voicemail from the patient coordinator the next day stating that any homestudy would suffice, and does not need to be from Bethany.  I'm excited!  We could do one homestudy and could possibly go through domestic, international or embryo adoption!

Our next step if we were to pursue embryo adoption is to register online, but would need to pay a $300 non-refundable fee.  I'm not sure if I want to spend the $300 right now.  I emailed the patient coordinator at NEDC again asking if NEDC had Asian/Caucasian embryos available to adopt, since we are a bi-racial couple.  The answer is yes, there are, but it is a smaller pool as they are not donated as often.  But NEDC reserves those embryos for that ethnic group.  So, that is a relief.

So the point is, no matter which adoption route we take - Marshall Island, domestic, or embryo (unless we miraculously get pregnant), we need our homestudy done.  Now we really need to get in gear and work on those adoption application materials.  There is so much paper work!  I'll write about those in another post.

February 2012 ICLW

Happy ICLW everyone!

Hello to those stopping by from ICLW.  If you are new to ICLW, it stands for International Comment Leaving Week.  If you are new to my site, welcome.  If you've been here before, thanks for stopping by again.  It's been a while since my last ICLW entry, since I went missing in action for a few months last year after my last failed IVF.

Our story briefly:  Babe (hubby) and I have been TTC for over 8 years (I cringe every time I look at the number!).  We were first diagnosed with "unexplained infertility"  Since then, we done just about everything... clomid, surgeries for polyps, 4 IUIs, and a total of 4 IVFs, with the last one done last July. My RE determined that we have low egg quality, probably due to age (I am 38).  However, we have been trying for more than 8 years, so we wonder if it had always been an egg issue? I guess we'll never know.

Since the last IVF July, we had taken a break from fertility treatments, and now wondering what's next.  We are thinking our next step will be adoption, though we are not sure which type type yet.  We are leaning towards international adoption right now.  I just posted about why we think we will do international adoption in my last post.  In fact, tonight, we will be attending an information meeting with an adoption agency that has has a program with the US Marshall Islands. 

Will keep you posted!

A Little Bit of Progress

(Image from: http://parentpathway.com/seeking-serenity-blog/mom-shining-light/progress-not-perfection/attachment/making-progress-with-recovery/)

This is the post that I had been meaning to write for a while now, and am just getting to it.  It has just been difficult to write.  I think we are making some progress.

Babe and I now mostly leaning more towards adoption.  Here's why:

• We've had 4 failed IVFs. Does it make sense to try again?  Especially when we know the issue is with the quality of my eggs.
• We have spent an awful amount of money on surgeries, IUIs, medication and IVFs.  I'm afraid to find out exactly how much.  And thank God for insurance.  Do we continue to spend more money for another CHANCE that it would succeed?
• We considered donor eggs, but Babe is not comfortable with it, though I would be open to it.  Again this is so freaking expensive.  Again, for a CHANCE that it may work.
• I'm 38 years old.  The risk of having complications and birth defects is higher, even if I manage to get pregnant.

So unless we decide to not have any kids at all, our only option is adoption.  Babe has been more open to the idea of adoption now.  I think he's also tired of waiting.

It's funny (not really), when we were going through infertility treatment, it seemed like everyone was getting pregnant.  Now that we are considering adoption, is seems like everyone that we know who was/are going through the adoption process have been matched or brought home babies very quickly.  It's frustrating!

Even with adoption, there are so many questions to consider.  Do we adopt domestically or internationally?  If we adopt internationally, from what country?  What about embryo adoption?

• We don't think we will be doing domestic adoptions.  There are many reasons why we are don't think this is right for us.  Babe does not like the idea of open adoptions, which almost all domestic adoptions are now. I know there are pros to it, but he is not keen on it. At least for now.  Also, the thought of a failed adoption scares the crap out of us.  We know of at least a few couples that went through that.  We don't like not knowing how long we may have to wait before getting picked by a birth mother.  Even though a few of our friends have been matched really quickly, I also know of a couple that have been in the domestic adoption program for 4 years, and have yet to be chosen by a birth parent.  At 36 (Babe) and 38 (me), we would be considered an older couple, and that would be against us.  If I were a birth mom and had to choose between a 28 year old and a 38 year old, I would prefer a younger couple to parent my child.  Also, we don't like the idea of having to do a profile, and "sell" ourselves.  I hate the idea that we have to compete for a baby.  On the plus side, because we are a bi-racial couple, that could be plus for us.  I know domestic adoption is wonderful for a lot of people.  But for us, at least right now, we don't think it is right for us.
• I would love to pursue embryo adoption, to be able to experience pregnancy, and to bond and carry my child or children.  However, Babe is not comfortable with this option.  Just like he is not comfortable with the idea of using donor eggs.  And I have to honor that.  Embryo adoption also comes with its own sets of challenges.  It is so new, most people have never even heard of it.  How do you explain to your child who he/she is?  How do you explain it to your family?  Your friends? Adoption is hard enough, but embryo adoption would be harder to explain.  But not unmanageable.  Though I'd love to go down this road, it is not for us, at least not now.
• We are leaning more towards international adoption.  International adoption has changed quite a bit since the last time we considered adoption, which was 3 - 4 years ago.  Since I am ethnically Chinese, I thought we would adopt from China.  However, the last time we looked, the wait for adoption from China was 5 - 7 years.  I just found out the adoption agencies that we are considering going through either does not have the regular China program, but only have the waiting children program (children with special needs), or there is no information provided regarding the wait time of the program.  I'm sorry, but I am not willing to wait that long for a child.  We have previously also looked into the Korean program.  I called one of the agencies and asked about it.  Policies have now changed with the Korean program as well.  It looks like Korea now has a quota that limits the number of babies that leave the country every year.  So even if you have been referred a child (which can be quite a few months into your adoption process), there may be another up to 18 months before you can travel to bring you child home.  This means that by the time your child comes home, he or she may be 2 -3 years old!  So we are not too keen on the Korean program either.   There are many other countries that we could consider, but we are either not keen, or just have no desire to adopt from.  Some reasons include the age of the child, how long we have to wait, the cost, etc.  There are many pros and cons to each.
• A friend of mine who just adopted domestically works for a non-profit organization that is also and adoption agency.  She told me about a fairly new international adoption program with the US Marshall Islands.  The great thing about this is the children available for adoption are infants, usually only a few months old.  Plus the wait time is shorter than most, with the referrals taking about 6 - 15 months.  This program is unique in that the adoption is open, meaning you will know about the child's birth family, and they about you.  However, I am not sure how open exactly.  I am excited about this program.  Even though this is for open adoptions, I think it makes a difference that we are in a different country, so I am more comfortable with it.  When I called and talked to the agency, I found of that due to the popularity of the program, they had JUST started a waiting list to get on the program.  So to save myself a spot on the waiting list, we registered and paid the $50 registration fee.  We are currently #2 on the wait list to be on the program.  We have received the forms and documents that need to be completed, and man, there are hell of a lot of paperwork!!  I've started looking at the forms but have not started seriously working on it until we decide formally, 100% that this is what we want to do.

Babe and I are attending an information meeting at the adoption agency that does the Marshall Islands program tonight.  Though we are only interested in the Marshall Islands program, I thought it would be good for us to go to the information meeting and find out more about the agency and the other programs available, both domestic and international.  I want to find out if we can be in both the domestic and Marshall Islands program at the same time.  I doubt it, but no harm asking.  Will let you know how things go at this meeting.

We are not officially adopting yet, but we are making a little bit of progress.

Dropping A Bomb ............ An Awkward Question

Today, I stopped by my sister-in-law's (Babe's sister) to drop something off.  I stayed a few minutes to chat and she dropped this question, prefacing with something to the fact of (I don't remember her exact words), I don't want to intrude or be totally off .... but.....:

"Do you guys need a surrogate?"

I was like.... What the..... huh??

Where did that come from? I don't really even remember what I said exactly as I was too shocked.  I asked her why she would say something like that.

SIL said that well, we (Babe and I) have been married for quite a few years now, what is it, 8? (it will be 10), and most people either want kids or don't.  And since we are so good with kids, she assumed that we did (of course we do).  She and her other sister thought that maybe we were having issues (so, they have discussed us already?).  She offered that if we need a surrogate she would be willing to do it (she has 2 kids already).  She also said she is now 38 (same age as me) and is getting older, and can't be too old if she were to do it.

This is interesting.  I wonder what her definition of surrogacy is, or how much she knows about it.  I wonder if she meant gestational surrogate/carrier.  A friend once explained to me that a traditional surrogate is one that the surrogate (pregnant woman), is the biological mother, meaning that the sperm is from the couple, but the egg is from the woman carrying the baby.  A gestational surrogate/carrier does not have any genetic ties to the baby, i.e. the baby is not conceived with eggs of the woman carrying the baby.

I'm assuming that she meant gestational surrogacy.  We sure don't want babies created with the egg and sperm from a brother and sister!

Anyway, I don't really remember what my reply was because I was struggling to some up with a response.  I think I said something like no we won't be going down that route.  I didn't want to discuss the details of our infertility journey, at least not right now.

I doubt she knows that we have gone through multiple IVFs, or that the issue is with my eggs.  She may just be guessing that the issue is with me (which it is) and not Babe (i.e. her brother), but offered to help.  In the end I just said that we will be making some decisions fairly quickly and left it at that.  I didn't want to share what we have gone through or what our next steps are since we don't really know.

After I left, I felt kind of bad because I don't think I even thanked her for her offer.  And it is a very generous offer.  It was hard to respond on the spot when such a question was thrown at me.  I think I may have to thank her for her offer later, when I put more thought about what to say, and when we know more about what our next steps are.

It also made me think if she or my other SIL may have ran across my blog and guessed it is me?  As I was writing this post, Babe came into the room and read the first part of the blog.  He cautioned me that one day, she may read this post.  I thought about it too, but what this heck, this is my blog after all, and it is a way for me to express myself.  I am writing it anonymously (and hope to keep it that way).  I can't be too worried about who reads it, or it will defeat the purpose of blogging.  Plus this post is not a negative one.

Anyway, if my SIL is reading this and figures out this is me..... well hello.  And thanks for the offer.

Wow..... makes me wonder what types of discussions about Babe and I go on in the family.

Other People's Kids

(http://www.layoutsparks.com/1/197031/friendship-grey-children-image-31000.html)

So as I reread my last post, I realize that I sound like a whiny brat, complaining about watching other people's kids.

To clarify, I don't mind watching other people's kids..... sort of.

In a way I kind of dread doing it, but yet when I do it, I usually enjoy it.  To a certain extent.

I enjoy hanging out with my goddaughter and her little brother, and it's great to receive hugs and kisses from them. To know that they care about you, and that you are an important part of their lives.  But at the same time, it's hard because you know they are not yours, and you desperately want kids to call your own.  For someone to call you "mommy", and know they don't want anyone else more than you, because you are their mommy or daddy.  The ones that can fix anything with a hug and a kiss.  You want to hear, "I don't want you, I want my mommy" and know that that person is you!

For Babe, he looks forward to hanging out with his nieces and nephews, and friends' kids.  For him it's a way to influence young minds (good and bad!!).  He's also a kid magnet, and ALL his nieces and nephews just adore him.  Whenever we get together, the kids always ask for Uncle "Babe".  But never for me.

I think this is partly my own fault.  I used to spend a lot more time with the (at that time only a couple of) nieces and nephews.   But as time went on, more and more nieces and nephews started popping up, and more of our friends started having first one, then more kids.  And as we spent more and more years in our infertility struggle, I became more and more reluctant to spend time with the nieces and nephews and friends' kids.

I guess it is a reminder of the struggle of what we desperately want, but can't have.  And to be honest, I resent the attention that Babe gives his nieces and nephews when he should be giving it to our kids, if only we had any.  And the resentment of the time and money we've spent on these kids, in babysitting, in birthday parties, in Christmas/birthday presents, etc.  Will/would they return the favors if we had/have kids?  Would they be offering to watch our kids?

What about you? Do you feel the same way?  Do you like spending time with other people's kids?

If you are still trying to conceive on your own, what are your feeling about other peoples kids, especially your nieces and nephews?  If you once struggled, and now have biological kids or have adopted, how did you feel and how do you feel now?

Weird and Confusing

I meant to write a different post today, but I guess that will have to wait.

Today has been a weird and confusing day.

Firstly, I met up with an ex-colleage of mine for lunch today.  A few months before I left my job, I found out that Kath was planning on doing and IVF sometime this year because it is almost impossible for her to have a baby naturally as she only has one fallopian tube due to an ectopic pregnancy.  We had discussed IVF and I even lent her a book, and offered to share my experience with her.  Then today at lunch, I found out she is going to have a baby in April.  No, she is not pregnant, but she is adopting a baby.  In fact, she is adopting her cousin's baby as she (the cousin) is having a second unplanned baby, and has chosen not to parent.  This came as a surprise, so now they are scrambling to get their adoption paperwork done.  I'm excited and happy for them.

Then, today another friend, who had left for Florida to adopt a baby girl, posted on Face.book that it's official that the baby is theirs.   The baby was born on Valentine's Day.  Their adoption was quick too.  Again, happy and excited for them.

So these are all great stories, and I am truly happy for them.  Really, I am.

Yet, I am feeling sad.  Sorry for myself.  Angry.  Seems like everyone is moving on, and and so quickly too!  But me? Still here, still the same.  While things are happening quickly for others.  It's s frustrating.

And to add salt to the wound, I received a text from my sister-in-law tonight asking if we would watch their four kids (yes, FOUR kids - ages 2 - 8) while her and her husband go on a long weekend trip.

Why do people think that it is OK to ask someone with no kids to watch their kids???

Do we have the label "you-can-be-my-babysitter-since-you-don't-have-any-kids-of-your-to-watch" on our foreheads?  It's so frustrating!!

To be fair, they are looking for someone to watch their kids Friday through Monday, and with me currently not working, I suppose they assume I would be free and hopefully willing to do it.  She has also offered to pay me for it.  Honestly, I don't want her to pay me.  I would rather do it to help her out, a favor, if you will, and not make a big deal out of it.  If there is money involved it just won't be right.

Babe thinks we (mostly I) should do it.  If When we have kids in the future, we may need help from them.  Maybe that's true.  OK, that's probably true but I can't help the feeling of resentment.

Some may say I could use the practice.  But it's not the same when it's not your own kids.  I think it's hard to be responsible for someone else's kids.  You don't have full authority to discipline them.  What if something happens to them? Or they break something?  Like a finger, or worse?

End the end, I think I will end up agreeing to do it anyways.

On a sadder note, the gal I mentioned in my last post, unfortunately miscarried from her IVF.  It's so hard to see someone go through IVF, get a positive result, and then miscarry.  I want to say that I know how she is feeling, losing her embabies, but I don't.  I never got to the positive test result.  But I do understand the feeling of loss and grief.  Please say a prayer for her and her hubby as they figure out what's next for them.

Sigh...... It's weird and confusing.  Feeling happy, sad and resentment all at the same time.

I hope one day I can look back and honestly say that it was all worth it!

Updating my blog

I just realized how out of date my blog is.  I just updated my "A little about me" section on the left hand side of this blog, from my age being 37 to now 38.  Also had to update the failed rounds of IVF from 3 to 4, and now we are trying to figure out what's next.

Sigh.......

Seems like so much has happened and yet, nothing has changed for me.  Still here, still trying to "start our family".  I have gone from "TTC" (trying to conceive) to "still trying to start our family".

I have mentioned in the past that I am part of a support group called "Patiently Waiting" which consists of the infertility group and the adoption group.  I have been attending the infertility group, and now have started attending the adoption group.  Lately, there has been changes to the group.

1. Just found out about half an hour ago, one of the gals is pregnant via IVF.  This was their first transfer after 2 cancelled cycles.
2. Another gal and her hubby are now pregnant with twins via embryo donation.
3. 2 other gals decided to go the adoption route and were matched and babies (a boy and a girl) placed in their homes in a very short period of time.
4. The couple that hosts the infertility night adopted their son a couple of year ago, and now they have just been matched and placed with an 8-month old baby girl via the foster care system.  They were supposed to bring her home yesterday.

So lots of things happening.... just not for me.

Still here, same old.  

Sorry if this feel like a feel-sorry-for-myself post.

Hello World... Again.

Hello World.... it's me, again.

Yes, it's ridiculous how long it's been since the last post (October 2011), and the one before that (July 2001).  I know, I've been a really bad blogger.  I want to thank those of you that commented on my last posting.  I'm surprised that there are still people out there reading this.

Since my last posting of being stuck in a huge rut, a couple of things have happened in my life.  A couple of pretty major things actually.

First of all, I quit my job!  Yup, crazy, but I left my super stressful job. I need to get my life back in order, figure out what's next for me, and just get my mind back.  My last day was November 30th, 2011.  It was a struggle at first to make a decision to do it, but then I am so glad to be done!

The other big thing.....  I went home (back to Asia) for 3 weeks to celebrate Christmas and New Year with my family.  While there, my Babe and my family took a side trip and spent 5 days, including Christmas in Bali.  It was great fun, and super warm.  Great time to take a trip to a warm tropical country during our winter here.  It was nice to be able to take a vacation and know that I don't have to worry about coming home to super stressful job.

It has taken me this long to blog again because.....

1. While I was still at my job, I did not have time to think about what our next step is, though infertility never left my thoughts.  And then when I finally decided to leave, I spent the time trying to wrap up everything (not very successfully) before I left the job.  After that, I spent the next 2 weeks getting ready for my trip, and doing all the Christmas shopping for family and friends here before we left.
2. I'm not sure what our next step is.  We think it is adoption, but we don't know what kind.  We don't think we will do domestic infant adoption (that can be a whole other post), nor are we up for waiting children (special needs).  So we are thinking international.  But then, we have to decide from which country?  So many questions and issues to consider.  Then there's embryo adoption.  I just don't  know and we just can't decide!  It's so hard to commit!  It's also hard to let go of the dream of having our own biological children too.
3. I didn't want to update my blog.  Honestly, I was am just plain lazy.....   I feel like I don't have much to update.  I still have a lot of researching and soul searching as far as what kind of adoption we want to do, or if that is even what we really want.

So, here I am...... planning to stick around the blogsphere as Babe and I try to figure out what's next.