Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A Little Bit of Progress

(Image from: http://parentpathway.com/seeking-serenity-blog/mom-shining-light/progress-not-perfection/attachment/making-progress-with-recovery/)
This is the post that I had been meaning to write for a while now, and am just getting to it.  It has just been difficult to write.  I think we are making some progress.

Babe and I now mostly leaning more towards adoption.  Here's why:
  • We've had 4 failed IVFs. Does it make sense to try again?  Especially when we know the issue is with the quality of my eggs.
  • We have spent an awful amount of money on surgeries, IUIs, medication and IVFs.  I'm afraid to find out exactly how much.  And thank God for insurance.  Do we continue to spend more money for another CHANCE that it would succeed?
  • We considered donor eggs, but Babe is not comfortable with it, though I would be open to it.  Again this is so freaking expensive.  Again, for a CHANCE that it may work.
  • I'm 38 years old.  The risk of having complications and birth defects is higher, even if I manage to get pregnant.
So unless we decide to not have any kids at all, our only option is adoption.  Babe has been more open to the idea of adoption now.  I think he's also tired of waiting.

It's funny (not really), when we were going through infertility treatment, it seemed like everyone was getting pregnant.  Now that we are considering adoption, is seems like everyone that we know who was/are going through the adoption process have been matched or brought home babies very quickly.  It's frustrating!

Even with adoption, there are so many questions to consider.  Do we adopt domestically or internationally?  If we adopt internationally, from what country?  What about embryo adoption?
  • We don't think we will be doing domestic adoptions.  There are many reasons why we are don't think this is right for us.  Babe does not like the idea of open adoptions, which almost all domestic adoptions are now. I know there are pros to it, but he is not keen on it. At least for now.  Also, the thought of a failed adoption scares the crap out of us.  We know of at least a few couples that went through that.  We don't like not knowing how long we may have to wait before getting picked by a birth mother.  Even though a few of our friends have been matched really quickly, I also know of a couple that have been in the domestic adoption program for 4 years, and have yet to be chosen by a birth parent.  At 36 (Babe) and 38 (me), we would be considered an older couple, and that would be against us.  If I were a birth mom and had to choose between a 28 year old and a 38 year old, I would prefer a younger couple to parent my child.  Also, we don't like the idea of having to do a profile, and "sell" ourselves.  I hate the idea that we have to compete for a baby.  On the plus side, because we are a bi-racial couple, that could be plus for us.  I know domestic adoption is wonderful for a lot of people.  But for us, at least right now, we don't think it is right for us.
  • I would love to pursue embryo adoption, to be able to experience pregnancy, and to bond and carry my child or children.  However, Babe is not comfortable with this option.  Just like he is not comfortable with the idea of using donor eggs.  And I have to honor that.  Embryo adoption also comes with its own sets of challenges.  It is so new, most people have never even heard of it.  How do you explain to your child who he/she is?  How do you explain it to your family?  Your friends? Adoption is hard enough, but embryo adoption would be harder to explain.  But not unmanageable.  Though I'd love to go down this road, it is not for us, at least not now.
  • We are leaning more towards international adoption.  International adoption has changed quite a bit since the last time we considered adoption, which was 3 - 4 years ago.  Since I am ethnically Chinese, I thought we would adopt from China.  However, the last time we looked, the wait for adoption from China was 5 - 7 years.  I just found out the adoption agencies that we are considering going through either does not have the regular China program, but only have the waiting children program (children with special needs), or there is no information provided regarding the wait time of the program.  I'm sorry, but I am not willing to wait that long for a child.  We have previously also looked into the Korean program.  I called one of the agencies and asked about it.  Policies have now changed with the Korean program as well.  It looks like Korea now has a quota that limits the number of babies that leave the country every year.  So even if you have been referred a child (which can be quite a few months into your adoption process), there may be another up to 18 months before you can travel to bring you child home.  This means that by the time your child comes home, he or she may be 2 -3 years old!  So we are not too keen on the Korean program either.   There are many other countries that we could consider, but we are either not keen, or just have no desire to adopt from.  Some reasons include the age of the child, how long we have to wait, the cost, etc.  There are many pros and cons to each.
  • A friend of mine who just adopted domestically works for a non-profit organization that is also and adoption agency.  She told me about a fairly new international adoption program with the US Marshall Islands.  The great thing about this is the children available for adoption are infants, usually only a few months old.  Plus the wait time is shorter than most, with the referrals taking about 6 - 15 months.  This program is unique in that the adoption is open, meaning you will know about the child's birth family, and they about you.  However, I am not sure how open exactly.  I am excited about this program.  Even though this is for open adoptions, I think it makes a difference that we are in a different country, so I am more comfortable with it.  When I called and talked to the agency, I found of that due to the popularity of the program, they had JUST started a waiting list to get on the program.  So to save myself a spot on the waiting list, we registered and paid the $50 registration fee.  We are currently #2 on the wait list to be on the program.  We have received the forms and documents that need to be completed, and man, there are hell of a lot of paperwork!!  I've started looking at the forms but have not started seriously working on it until we decide formally, 100% that this is what we want to do.
Babe and I are attending an information meeting at the adoption agency that does the Marshall Islands program tonight.  Though we are only interested in the Marshall Islands program, I thought it would be good for us to go to the information meeting and find out more about the agency and the other programs available, both domestic and international.  I want to find out if we can be in both the domestic and Marshall Islands program at the same time.  I doubt it, but no harm asking.  Will let you know how things go at this meeting.

We are not officially adopting yet, but we are making a little bit of progress.


  1. Yeah for progress!! I am excited that you have found a program that fits what you are looking for! I look forward to following along!

  2. Sounds like you are finding your way slowly. One thing I wish was different about adoption is the ability to pursue multiple tracks at the same time. Instead you have to choose just one path even though the decision is so hard.

  3. That's great that you are #2 on the waitlist. It sounds like you guys have really thought through all your options. Making progress is good. :)

  4. Good luck with your decision-making and adoption processes!

    ICLW #6