Sunday, May 25, 2014

Doubt

It is almost 5 am.  I should be sleeping right now, but I can't fall asleep.  I've been tossing and turning for awhile.  The sky is starting to get some light.

Last night, Babe and I stayed up and late and watched a couple of movies, including "Monuments Men" which by the way is an excellent movie.  As we were getting ready for bed, for some reason I was suddenly hit with a very strong feeling of doubt. That I. Am. Not. Pregnant.  Not really sure why.  Maybe because:

  1. I just don't feel pregnant.  I know this means nothing because many/most people do not feel pregnant this early on, though some (very few) do.  I didn't feel pregnant last time either.
  2. I have not had much cramping at all.  Usually having cramps is a good sign as it means the embryos are implanting into the uterine lining.  During my November 2 week wait,  I had cramping but not in January.  I can't really recall having cramp this time.  Maybe some "stirrings", but nothing noticeable.  So maybe this doesn't mean much either
  3. I did not have any implantation spotting.  My November transfer, I remember very well that I had implantation spotting right around 4dp5dt.  Not this time around.  Most women don't experience implantation spotting, but I did back in November, and it's hard not to compare.
  4. This may be a TMI.  One of my nipples is "flat".  I don't recall in November, but in January, I noticed that my flat nipple was more "perky" like the other one during my 2 week wait.  It could be due to the progesterone, or due to the fact that I was truly pregnant (though short lived) then.  However, on the morning of my 2nd beta where I found out that hCG numbers had dropped, I noticed that it had gone "flat" again.  I didn't think much of it until later in the day when I found out that the number had dropped that I tied those two together.  Maybe it is still unrelated, but I thought it was interesting and it made sense.  Well, my "flat" nipple was "perky" for a few days, but now I think it is "flat" again.  Not sure what to make of it.
  5. I am tired most of the time, but I think I am not as fatigued as I was back in January.  I would barely be able to keep my eyes open by 2 or 3 in the afternoon.  It could be due to the progesterone or the fact that my body is making make a baby.  I am tired, but not as fatigued as I was back in January.  
All these symptoms (or non-symptoms) above are really hard to make out really.  Both November and January transfers resulted in chemical pregnancies, meaning I was technically pregnant but had an early miscarriage.  

But the difference between these two is in November my beta numbers went from 13 to 4 in two days, and in January my beta numbers went from 159 (high for a first beta) to 44 in 4 days.  So in my mind at least, I was "more pregnant" in January.  For those not familiar with beta numbers, they are supposed to double every 48 hours or so to indicate a healthy pregnancy.  In both my last transfers, instead of doubling, it fell.

I have been pretty good about not wanting to take a home pregnancy test.  But for some reason tonight, it has hit me really hard that I am not pregnant.  No real concrete reason.  Just felt it very strongly tonight.  And out of the blue too.

I didn't think I was pregnant last time either, but I was, even if it was short lived.  Maybe I am wrong again this time?  Time to go back to bed and attempt to sleep.  The birds are chirping and there is light in the sky.

Less than 2 days to beta.



9 comments:

  1. Praying so very much that you have higher and then higher beta numbers and that some definable symptoms occur to rest your mind..... praying for Tuesday. wishing you well (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  2. Only women who have struggled with infertility tune into their bodies so intensely like this. Here is what I know. I know every pregnancy is very different and every woman is very different. Pregnancy signs, or lack of, are so elusive and misleading. It's hard to get any accurate information from your body in these early stages. I'm hoping for you xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. There's not much I can say other than doubt and fear suck, big time. I pray and I pray for an end to fear, for strength and peace to take root instead. Big hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I totally understand and relate to how you are feeling! My last round was very hard. Thank you for this post it really helps people like me not feel so alone. www.mommy-dreaming.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. Your message pulled at my heartstrings as I felt so much empathy for you. I am praying that your feelings of doubt turn out to be untrue, and that you have a strong first beta and a healthy pregnancy. Your fear and concern are normal but we really don't know the outcome yet. Let's continue praying for those precious embryos. R

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think these feelings are a defense mechanism, which is completely understandable given all you have been through. Every pregnancy and every woman is different though. I am on my third pregnancy and no two have been alike. I've never had crampin or implantation spotting or pregnant feelings with any of my kids, but here they are. I still have very good feelings that this time will be the time for you!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I hate those gut feelings. They are so often wrong but so very very convincing in the moment. My failed cycle and by successful cycle felt EXACTLY the same from a symptoms standpoint, but it's hard to argue with our mind. Praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh the evil 2WW. It does crazy things to your heart and mind. I think we've all had similar thoughts. I've flipped back and forth from being certain I was pregnabt to positive I wasn't. Hang in there and you'll have answers one way or another soon. The unknown is the worst part. Praying for a good strong beta!

    ReplyDelete
  9. praying for your test in the morning :)

    ReplyDelete