I Feel......

Last night, Babe and I went to watch the new X-Men movie.  It was good entertainment and kept our minds off the sad reality that we are not pregnant.  We both had a talk about what is next.  Right now, we both know it is really too early to make any decisions.  We just need to grieve for a while and we can make some decisions later.

We also both realize that we process this quite differently, at least at this point.  Right now, I just want to not think about it because it is too painful to think and feel what is reality.  I prefer to just "vege out", keeping my mind off stuff by reading FB posts (can be difficult with positive embryo adoption related stuff), reading others' blogs, playing FB games (I know, this is bad, very addictive) and watching movies, pretty much anything that will keep me from thinking about it.  Babe on the other hand is different.  He wants to plan stuff.  He thinks we should try to plan a vacation somewhere.  However, he only has a few days of vacation and the places he wants to go require at least a week to make it worth it.  So, we are considering maybe just me going somewhere.  I'm toying with the idea.  But we'll see.  I'd prefer to go on vacation with him, but maybe I can pull this off.  Maybe somewhere like Florida?

Last night, Babe and I cried together in each other's arms.  Babe rarely EVER cries.  Maybe it's easier for him to do so in bed, in the dark.  But I was grateful that we were able to cry together.  I had so many thoughts and feelings going through my mind I could not sleep.  So I got up and wrote down my feelings.  I didn't post it last night because I had so many thoughts I could not get all I wanted to express  right there and then.

This morning, I dreaded waking up to the reality that this transfer did not work.  It was much better when before the beta.  At least there was still hope.  I ended up going back to sleep and sleeping in and surfing on my phone till about noon.  I ignored all phone calls (sorry if you tried to call me) and tried to respond to texts and FB messages.

So, here is a list of all the things I feel right now.  In no particular order:

• I feel sad.  It sucks that this transfer did not work out.  Again.
• I feel disappointed.  Another disappointment in my life has turned out so far.
• I feel tired.  I'm tired of physical aspects of STILL trying to start a family - the doctor visits, the medications, getting shots, planning my calendar based on protocols.  I'm tired of the financial part of this - writing checks for doctor's visits, medication, ultrasounds, surgeries,, donor fees, open donation agreements, travel.  I'm tired of being strong, for myself and for the others that are rooting me on.
• I feel physical pain.  I still feel the soreness in my hips from all the PIO shots.  That will take few weeks before it goes away totally.  Stopping the PIO shots have been a relief, but I would have happily continued taking them for the sake of a baby.
• I feel like a failure.  Having tried 3 embryo transfers without any success.  Not counting the other IUIs, IVFs and surgeries that I have gone through.
• I feel like a waste.  Having gone through 3 sets of embryos from three different families, and still no success.  Maybe the embryos would have had a better chance with another couple?
• I feel hopeless.  Is this the end of the road of this embryo adoption journey?  What is next?  I don't want to give this up.  Will we ever grow our family?
• I feel confused.   Why would God not let me have success with embryo adoption when it is such a good thing.  Am I just not meant to be able to birth a child? 
• I feel my faith has been shaken.  Why would God keep saying no to me?  Am I a bad person?  Did I not have enough faith?
• I feel jealous.  Of people that are able to have biological children.  Of those that got pregnant the first time they tried embryo adoption, or the second time.  Or the third.  Of people that have successfully adopted embryos and are now parents.  Of people that have adopted traditionally.  Of parents in general.
• I feel angry I have to go through this journey.  Why me?  Why can't it be someone else?  This is so unfair!
• I feel broke.  It's mind boggling how much money we have spent through the years on infertility treatments, home studies, program fees, transfer fees, medication, donor fees, etc.  And still no baby.  Our lives could be so different.  If only......
• I feel broken.  It was one thing to know that I have crappy eggs and not able to have biological children.  It's another totally different thing to know that I cannot even successfully carry a child that is not genetically related to me.
• I feel that I am a disappointment.  To my husband who have stuck with me through all this.  To my donor families that have entrusted their precious embryos to me.  To my friends that have supported and prayed for me, and to my faithful blog readers.  Everyone that has somehow supported and shared a part of their lives with me through this, I feel I have let let them down.
• I feel maybe I'm not very smart.  Some people tell me they think I am so strong, to not give up and to keep trying.  Instead I think maybe I 'm not very smart, to keep doing the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome?
• I feel left behind.  Again.  Friends are having children.  Not just one but on their second or third.  And the kids are now in preschool or kindergarten, and are starting first grade soon.  And me? I am STILL trying for my first child.  I am THE last one in or core group of friends in our infertility/adoption group that have not brought home a child.
• I feel that time has flown by.  A year ago, we were at NEDC doing our mock transfer.  A year later, here we are still in the same situation, no baby.  Did we just waste another year?
• I feel that time is running out.  I am 40 and will turn 41 in a couple of months.  I'm feeling a little rushed that I may be running out of time before I get "too old" to be a parent.
• I feel old.  Most people my age have kids that are in elementary and middle school.  They are going to their kids's piano recitals, baseball games, scout meetings, etc.  They are saving for college or retirement.  Here I am, still trying to grow my family of 2.
• I feel sad that I have have to give up my dream of being an embryo adoption mama.  I've always wanted to be an advocate of embryo adoption.  But I really want to do it when I become and embryo adoption mama.  But now, it looks like it may not happen.
• I feel I have lost some of my self confidence.  I think I used to be a much more confident person.  Infertility can totally change how you feel as a person.  No matter how successful you may be in your career, finances, talent, etc, infertility can strike a blow to your confidence.  Most women are born with the desire or need to have and raise children.  When that basic need is unmet, it totally affects the rest of your world.
• I feel doubt.  Where we wrong to have pursued infertility treatments a few years ago?  What is a wrong decision to pursue embryo adoption?  Should we have gone with traditional adoption in the first place? 
• I feel lost.  I am not quite sure what to do next.  We have been so invested in doing embryo adoption for the last year, and now that we have had 3 tries at NEDC, I'm not sure what's next.  I guess we will wait until we have had our post transfer consult with Dr. Keenan next week to figure out next steps.
• I feel alone.  Isolated.  I know of other women that have not been successful in their infertility treatments.  But I have not yet met another person that has tried embryo adoption and has not been successful.  Yes, there are others that have tried and become successful after their third try, but the clinic they went through did not have the 3 tries max policy.  So far, I'm the only one that I know of that will be "kick out" of their embryo adoption program.

That is a HUGE list and they are all negatives.  However, I know that how I feel may not be the truth.  But it does not mean how I feel is not valid.  I think it is important to acknowledge that this his how I feel right now.  These feeling may change in the future.

On the other hand, I also feel the following:

• I feel blessed that my husband loves me and have stuck around with me through all this pain and heartache.  
• I feel lucky that we have had the financial resources to pursue infertility treatments and embryo adoption so far.
• I feel loved and cared for by so many people who have stood by us through this journey, praying for us, whether they know me in person or is a blog reader.
• I feel I am not ready to give up, though I don't really know what our next steps are.  It is definitely not where we thought we would be.

Please continue to pray for Babe and I as we go through our grieving process and figure out what's next for us.