Last night, Babe and I stayed up and late and watched a couple of movies, including "Monuments Men" which by the way is an excellent movie. As we were getting ready for bed, for some reason I was suddenly hit with a very strong feeling of doubt. That I. Am. Not. Pregnant. Not really sure why. Maybe because:
- I just don't feel pregnant. I know this means nothing because many/most people do not feel pregnant this early on, though some (very few) do. I didn't feel pregnant last time either.
- I have not had much cramping at all. Usually having cramps is a good sign as it means the embryos are implanting into the uterine lining. During my November 2 week wait, I had cramping but not in January. I can't really recall having cramp this time. Maybe some "stirrings", but nothing noticeable. So maybe this doesn't mean much either
- I did not have any implantation spotting. My November transfer, I remember very well that I had implantation spotting right around 4dp5dt. Not this time around. Most women don't experience implantation spotting, but I did back in November, and it's hard not to compare.
- This may be a TMI. One of my nipples is "flat". I don't recall in November, but in January, I noticed that my flat nipple was more "perky" like the other one during my 2 week wait. It could be due to the progesterone, or due to the fact that I was truly pregnant (though short lived) then. However, on the morning of my 2nd beta where I found out that hCG numbers had dropped, I noticed that it had gone "flat" again. I didn't think much of it until later in the day when I found out that the number had dropped that I tied those two together. Maybe it is still unrelated, but I thought it was interesting and it made sense. Well, my "flat" nipple was "perky" for a few days, but now I think it is "flat" again. Not sure what to make of it.
- I am tired most of the time, but I think I am not as fatigued as I was back in January. I would barely be able to keep my eyes open by 2 or 3 in the afternoon. It could be due to the progesterone or the fact that my body is making make a baby. I am tired, but not as fatigued as I was back in January.
All these symptoms (or non-symptoms) above are really hard to make out really. Both November and January transfers resulted in chemical pregnancies, meaning I was technically pregnant but had an early miscarriage.
But the difference between these two is in November my beta numbers went from 13 to 4 in two days, and in January my beta numbers went from 159 (high for a first beta) to 44 in 4 days. So in my mind at least, I was "more pregnant" in January. For those not familiar with beta numbers, they are supposed to double every 48 hours or so to indicate a healthy pregnancy. In both my last transfers, instead of doubling, it fell.
I have been pretty good about not wanting to take a home pregnancy test. But for some reason tonight, it has hit me really hard that I am not pregnant. No real concrete reason. Just felt it very strongly tonight. And out of the blue too.
I didn't think I was pregnant last time either, but I was, even if it was short lived. Maybe I am wrong again this time? Time to go back to bed and attempt to sleep. The birds are chirping and there is light in the sky.
Less than 2 days to beta.
