Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Need Motivation

I am feeling kind of in a rut right now.  Since receiving my two packets in the mail on Saturday, I have not made much progress on the IVF end.  Sure I've scanned all the documents that came in the mail.  I still need to get a new binder to put all the IVF related stuff in.  My next biggest thing on my list of things to do was to call various pharmacies to check out prices.

But I'm not motivated.....

Maybe because I miss my Mac.  I brought it in to the "Genius Bar" at the Apple store yesterday and they found that I need to replace some hardware so my Mac can actually charge properly.  I won't get it back till the end of the week at the earliest.  I am currently using  DH's spare laptop and it sucks.  I'm having issues with trying to post comments on people's blogs and I'm having issues accessing Sitemeter, the page that tracks users coming onto my blog.  I miss my Mac!

But I think I lack motivation because IVF this time seems almost like my dreams and hopes of having a baby "naturally" like "normal" people do is coming to and end.  I can't deny it anymore..... I am an infertile.

With starting BCPs next month, my hopes of the "miracle baby", the one where I have been trying for years, even undergoing fertility treatments, I would miraculously conceive naturally would come to an end.  Of course IVF babies ARE miracle babies, just a different kind.

Yet at the same time, I am excited to start.  Does it sound crazy?

Of course I hope that this time IVF will be successful, and I will be able to bring home a baby.  But what if it is unsuccesful?  What if it is another BFN?  Then what?  Now that we are finally doing it, I have to face the very real possibility that it could be unsuccessful!

Even if it is successful, and I get a BFP, the worry never ends.  Will the beta numbers keep rising?  There's still a chance of miscarriage.  I've read too many times in our ALI community of ladies getting their BFP and still miscarry.  I know this is all part and parcel of getting pregnant, but still it scares the heck out of me!

Ok I think I'm done rambling.  First thing on the to-do list for tomorrow: Call pharmacies for pricing of IVF meds.

Any suggestions on how to get motivated?


  1. How to get motivated? That question has plagued my mind for the past 7 months. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel :) For me, I recently took some time to make a list of ALL the things I needed to do. Now, I force myself to scan the list and find an item each day to check off. In doing so I have gained momentum!

    Also, I have resigned myself to not focus on the "what if's", as they were ruining my life, which was otherwise good, pre loss. It's so normal to take that mind journey into the land of what if, but what do we gain from it? Pain, uncertainty and more hurt. So, I decided to "try" and not look into the rear view mirror and view the future with cautious optimism :)

    On to a pep talk, you are gonna make it! Take your mind to the place where all things are possible :) Surround yourself with positive stories and those who love you, like "us blogger gals" We're gonna rally you along to the finish line. None of us knows for certain what we will face, but I have FAITH in us realizing our dream. Just keep Your Eye On The PRIZE :)

    Much love to you

  2. I know how it feels to feel like you are "giving up the dream" of conceiving naturally. I had a really hard time with the decision. It actually took me 6 months to decide to move forward.

    We went back the RE, and they offered us a IUI instead because my husband's count had increased from vitamin intake.

    I felt a lot better with the "natural-ness" of that. But, I know in my heart that when that baby is in your arms, he/she will feel like the most natural thing in the world.

  3. Thanks so much for the comment, and for the prayers and support.

    Keeping you in my prayers as well as you find some motivation to keep pursuing IVF. We're here to support you every step of the way!

  4. A baby, conceived either in a 'natural' or 'assisted' way, is a miracle. Sometimes God handles the whole thing Himself. Other times He uses people/science/technology. Either way, when Baby finally arrives, it's a miracle!

    Conception, pregnancy & delivery is just the beginning. Parenthood...that's a whole different realm!