Monday, January 25, 2010

My Mini Breakdown

Yesterday I had a mini breakdown.

For the purpose of this and future posts, I shall now address DH as my Babe, or the Babe.

A week ago yesterday, I received two packages from the RE with information on payments, appointments and drugs.  I was all excited about all this information and was waiting to share and go over this with my Babe.  You see, my Babe has been working really long hours for the last few months.  He has been working on a project that has totally consumed him, working long hours daily, and also most weekends.  Even on the days that he is supposed to have off, he has gone in to work.  So he has been really stressed out about work.  He thinks about work a lot.  All.  The.  Time.

The past week, I had reminded him a couple of times we needed to go over the info from the RE clinic, but would wait for a better time to go over it.  So yesterday was one of the few days he decided he wasn't going in to work (on a Saturday, mind you) and we had lunch at home.  We had some time to kill before our plans for the night, so I brought out the 2 packages and asked him to look over it while I took and shower and we would go over it together.  When I done with my shower, the Babe still had not touched the 2 packages.  Why?

 "Did you take a look at those?" I asked.  That's when all hell broke loose! (It went something like this)...
Babe:  Nope.
Me: Why not??!
Babe:  I don't want to.
Me:  Why?  Don't you want to know what is going on?  I don't want to have to do this by myself.  I don't want to have to explain everything to you.  Can't you just go over it together?
Babe:  I don't want to think about it.  I have enough to think about for work!
Me:  I can't make decisions on my own!  We need to decide how to pay for this IVF, do we the shared risk program, or pay by the cycle.  Don't you care about this IVF cycle?
Babe:  I don't want to have to think about the details.
Me:  Don't you care about the appointments?  What testing we need to do?  How much everything is gonna cost?  I don't want you to be surprised by the cost of everything!  Do you know we are getting some free meds?
Me:  What should we do about this IVF?  Do you want to do the shared risk or pay by cycle?
Babe:  I don't know
Me:  I need you to support me on this.  I can't do this by myself!  I don't want to do this by myself like the last 4 IUI cycles and the last IVF cycle!

We fought some more.......

I broke down.  I cried.  We rarely fight like this!  I locked myself in the bathroom and turned on the vent so it would muffle the sounds of me bawling my eyes out.  I stopped crying.  I calmed down.  Lots of thoughts when through my head.  I started crying again.   I must have sobbed for a good hour or so.  In a way, I was hoping my Babe would come check on me, and console me.  He didn't.  He's stubborn that way!

So after I stopped sobbing, I calmly talked to my Babe again.  These were somethings we talked about.
  • Babe feels this whole infertility industry is such a rip-off.  He feels like there is no accountability for failures.  My response?  There is no guarantee with IF treatments!!  So If I have cancer, and treatment does not work, does it mean it failed and there was no accountability?  Do we sue the doctors that tried to save me?  It is so unfair that we have to fork out so much money to have babies of our own.  But what else can we do?
  • He feels that our Dr. Hopeful and the clinic is only out to squeeze as much $money$ out of us as possible.  When I asked Dr. Hopeful if there was an advocate or a primary nurse I would work with since I don't see her at all the appointments, she convinced me that the nurses are very competent and are her eyes and ears for all her patients.  That they were "like sisters" (her words).  Babe though she was being arrogant when she said that.  I tried to explain that REs don't see patients all the time.  It's usually the nurses that work directly with the patients and they consult directly with the REs.  
  • So, what do we do?  We have to decide one way or another.  So I told Babe that we have some options.  1) We continue as planned with Dr. Hopeful.  2) We see another RE at the same clinic  3) We forget IVF and look into adoption.  4) We forget IVF and live with the very real probability that we will never have our own biological kids.  5) He should go find someone else who was younger and would be able to bear his kids.  I know, I know, this was a stupid option, but I just had to throw that in.  Thank goodness his response to #5 was "you actually think that's an option?" and looked at me like I was crazy.  I LOVE this stubborn man!  I said no, but I needed him to know that I do sometimes think about it.  Maybe if he had married someone younger and was not "broken" he'd have lots of kids by now.
  • Babe feels he has compromised his belief, that we should not be "messing with nature" (or was it God, I can't really remember what he said exactly), that it was wrong to kill embryos, or whatever.  This came as a shock to me.  I knew that this was potentially an issue with his strict Catholic parents, but I didn't think he thought this way.  He is no longer a practicing Catholic.  I tried to ask him to give me an example.  He couldn't.  I said we are trying to create life, not destroy them.  Anything that does not make it would not have made it naturally anyways.  I think the problem is he does not truly understand the process of IVF.  Sure he knows at a high level what the process is, but he has never taken the time to read up or research about it in detail.  However, since we have already done IVF once, he's OK with doing it again.  I think he just wants to try whatever we can to have a baby right now.
There were other things discussed, but I won't spare all of the details here.  In general, I think my Babe is just not excited that we have to spend all this money to have a baby.  Who in their right mind would be?  This is the burden we have to bear I guess.

We will continue to pursue IVF with Dr. Hopeful.  We have decided we will not do the Shared Risk program and will just pay for each cycle as it come up.  Hopefully this cycle will be the one!  To spare my Babe from additional stress, I will not burden him with the details of this IVF cycle and let him in on appointments and details as needed.  To be fair, he IS working a lot and is highly stressed!  I on the other hand am not currently working.  My goal is to be as organized as possible, keep as much documentation as possible, and be as informed a patient as I can be.

My Babe will be traveling to California for training tomorrow (Monday), and will be back on Thursday.  Hopefully I will be able to do some cleaning while he is gone so he can come home to a nice clean house.  I'm the worst housekeeper!

Thanks for bearing with me while I whine away!

** I just re-read my post and I sound like a hormone crazed woman..... and I haven't even started my cycle yet!**


  1. Oh. I am so sorry girl. I know how much it feels like it's "your" responsibility to carry the burden for the whole IVF thing. It almost seems unfair. Just know you aren't alone. My DH was kind of the same way but after some talking he realized how much has to be decided on and that this is for "our" baby...not "my" baby.

    I hope things get better soon!

  2. When I started this journey, friends of mine reminded me to "take care of each other." with this, I'm saying to you "take care of each other."

    Having said that...I can also hear myself saying "go get someone else younger to bear your children." In fact when I was told that my eggs quality was so poor that the only way I can have children is through donor's egg, that is exactly how I feel. Bearing another person's child with my DH. Not a fun thought.

    Don't beat yourself too hard. you are NOT broken. You are made in the image of God. How can you be broken? The stars and the moon have not aligned YET but hopefully it will soon.

    Hang in there!

  3. I think situations like this are probably more common that we hear about. I had a mini-breakdown Saturday night in front my DH, too. Our situation is entirely different from yours - we are making the decision to put things on hold after this cycle b/c we cannot afford to move on to injectibles with IUI. We're really lucky to have such amazing men in our lives but they really do handle all of this entirely different from the way we do. My DH tends to not even express how he's feeling unless I bug him to. I know it'll all work out for you! Enjoy the time to yourself over the next few days!

  4. So sorry you and the DH had a rough time. I think marriage is hard enough, but then add IF to it and it makes it ten times harder!

    Hoping this cycle is THE ONE for you too!

  5. Sorry about the fight with the hubs, that's no fun. Sometimes a good bawl can make you feel better though, like you just needed to get out some of that frustration. And my hubby can go through a whole tww and never ask once if I think i'm amazes me (since I'm thinking about it 99% of the day every day, lol). I'm really hoping this IVF cycle is the ONE!!!

  6. Oh girl, don't ever apologize for freaking out on here! This is your place to spazz out all you want. I did this myself last month, aka Femara-induced-crazy. But you don't need to be on fertility drugs for all this stuff to make you nuts. I'm sorry you and your hubby are having a rough go, but at least you know you are in good company!

    Happy ICWL!! :-)

  7. My heart goes out to you during this time. So, so sorry that you're going through this on top of your already difficult IVF process.

    Praying that you both will draw closer to each other as you draw closer to GOD during this time. Mutual support & understanding is so important as you both go through this to have a child of your own.

  8. I'm so sorry that you and your DH had a fight. Infertility puts an enormous amount of strain on any marriage. However, at least you were able to talk things through and that is good. Please don't consider yourself broken. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

  9. I'm so sorry about your fight. Infertility is stressful even without the drugs! Good luck as you decide what to do about the IVF this cycle.


  10. Thanks all for your tremendous support. I just needed to get all that happened out of my system. I truly appreciate all the wonderful comments!

  11. I'm so sorry. But sometimes breakdowns can be good things. They help to push out the negativity so you can focus onsomething else.

  12. Bless your heart...I can relat to this in so many ways. I often feel like I am the one doing all the planning and ALL the work. My hubby just wants the "cliff notes" on everything and we go from there. But, I need more. I need him to walk the walk with me, side by side, step by step. Like Babe, my hubby is also consumed with work and also thinks all the treatments are priced way out of line and they take advantage of poor souls like us that just want a baby. And, I've cried a river just like you and had those "tiffs" too. So, my heart aches for you.

    I can tell you that this storm will lift and that you'll go back into action, like I do, of being Superwoman and doing the work for the 2 of you. You'll shoulder the burden for your dream, as that's what we do. And, you WILL be may bend, but you won't break!

    Much Love to you and let me know if you ever need an ear. In the meantime, I'll be journeying with you my 30 something kindred spirit :)


  13. I'm sorry about the breakdown and fight with your Babe. The whole process can take it's burden on relationships. I hope this cycle will be the one for you and it will bring you guys together even more.