A Night of Ups and Downs

I was at a church event Tuesday night when a gal came up to me asking how I was doing as she heard that I had gone through some procedures lately.  You see, when I had my egg retrieval, I had to miss a weekend retreat at my church.  Someone, not sure who, had told my group that I had to miss the retreat because I was going through a medical procedure because I have been having a hard time conceiving.  That annoyed me because there are only a few people that know about our TTC issues, and I expected them to keep it confidential.  Oh well, it was too late.  I'm not sure how much details people know, but the cat's out of the bag.

Anyway, Gal #1 said she was sorry about what I was going through.  She has a 1 1/2 year old daughter, but she had gone through a miscarriage once, and she knew how devastating it is.  She gave me a big hug and said she would continue to pray for me and she said she knew I would make a wonderful mother.  Bless her heart!

Then later, Gal #2 (she has 2 kids) came up to me and said she heard that I went through a procedure.  She asked me how I was feeling, and if it worked.  I said nope, it didn't.  She said she was sorry, and she could relate.  She had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, and her baby would have been due right around now.  I said I was sorry for her loss, and that I couldn't even fathom what she had experienced.  I actually felt bad because I was starting to get annoyed at having to talk about my failed procedures, but then she told me about how her baby would have been due.  

Then, she went on and asked if I had considered adoption.  Oh I so knew where this was going!  One of her friends had tried for years without success, adopted and then had gotten pregnant.  And then she told me of another couple that did the same thing.  So I told her, yes, I had considered adoption but no, we are not ready for that.  Then she kept going on about how she hears stories of people who had gotten pregnant after they adopted.  

At that point, I was really annoyed and felt like I needed to set her straight.  I told her, you know, it's true that some people do get pregnant after they adopt, but it is not the norm.  Statistically, it is very RARE that it ever happens, and most people don't.  I actually said please don't be offended but it is really not helpful to say such a thing to a person that has a hard time getting pregnant.  Most people that can't get pregnant has most probably considered adoption at one time or another.  The last thing we want to do is to give anyone a false impression that adopting will help you get pregnant.  That is WRONG and absolutely the worst reason why someone should consider adoption.  If fact, I told her, it is one the most annoying things anyone can say to an infertile, next to "just relax", and "you're still young".  It's a big no-no!

I think Gal #2 felt bad after that, and admitted that she didn't think it would come out that way, and she only wanted to give people some hope.  I understand how people want to say things that could possibly make us feel hopeful, but I had to express my thoughts.  I felt like an IF Nazi, but I don't care.  Sometimes people don't realize how hurtful and unhelpful some words can be.  I just couldn't keep quiet about that!

Then later in the evening, Gal #3 (she's in her 50's, so maybe not a "gal") and she told me the story of how she got married in her late 30's, got pregnant with her first at 39, and then suffered 8 (yes 8!) miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies before conceiving her second son at 42, and with only one tube.  Even then, they thought her baby had died because her numbers kept going down.  She was scheduled for a D&C but she demanded an ultrasound.  They saw her baby bouncing around in the uterus and had a perfect heartbeat.  He is now 12.  They call him the "Miracle Child".  Don't give up hope, Gal #3 reminded me, and she too has promised to continue to keep me in her prayers.

Tuesday night was a night of ups and downs, but in the end I felt really good about it.  I felt like I stood up for something important, and I was blest by 2 ladies that shared their stories of hope and their love for me.

Back To The RE.... Finally!

After my IVF transfer was canceled, I tried to schedule a post-IVF conference with Dr. Hopeful, but she was on vacation until April 5th and the earliest available appointment to see her would be May 5th.  But the receptionist said she would leave a message with Dr. Hopeful to see if she could squeeze in an appointment sooner.

I finally called the clinic today.  I figured I'd wait a couple of days for Dr. Hopeful to catch up from being on vacation.  When I called the receptionist said Dr. Hopeful had been busy with procedures since she's been back and she's probably still haven't had a chance to catch up on her messages. Okay...... so I figured I'd give her another day or so and call back.  Less than half an hour later, the clinic calls back with a few options to squeeze in to see Dr. Hopeful.  It pays to call and get on their case!

So now we are set for a post-IVF conference with her next week on Tuesday, April 13th.

Now, my goal is to set out a list of questions to ask Dr. Hopeful when I see her next week.  Here's a high level summary of my last IVF cycle:

• I was on BCPs for 24 days, then on Lu.pron for 12 days before starting stims.
• I stimmed on Meno.pur and Follis.tim for 13 days
• At day of trigger, I had 10 mature follicles, another 9 or 10 that would potentially be matured at retrieval.  Lining was excellent at 15 mm.
• At egg retrieval, found out that the right ovary was at a "difficult location", and eventually we were not able to retrieve any eggs from that right ovary.
• 8 eggs were retrieved from the left ovary, 6 were mature.
• At 2 days post retrieval, only 1 egg fertilized.
• At 3 days post retrieval, another egg fertilized.  But the first embryo was only at 3-cell.
• At 4 days post retrieval, 1st embryo was only at 4-cell, and 2nd embryo had stayed at 2-cell.
• Embryo transfer was canceled since all embryos had arrested.

Some questions that I will be asking Dr. Hopeful when I see her next:

1. What could have caused the right ovary to be in a "difficult location"?  Why was it never mentioned to me before? (I was able to retrieve eggs from both ovaries from my previous IVF a year ago).
2. What would have cause the the low fertilization rate, only 2 in a total of 6 have fertilized?  Would 1 year make that much of a difference in the quality of my eggs? (My previous IVF, I had 8 out of 12 fertilized)
3. What could have caused the embryos to have arrested before day 5 transfer (only at 2 and 4 cell stage)?
4. Why wasn't a day-3 or day-4 transfer considered since I only had 2 eggs that fertilized?
5. Should ICSI have been considered? (I think this was not considered since we did not have any issues with my Babe's sperm)
6. Would you recommend any additional testing?
7. What would you recommend for the next cycle?  Would you be changing anything with the protocol?

I'm hoping to get some answers as to what happened to this cycle.  And what would be different in the next.

So, what else would you ask the RE if you were me?

Easter and Misc Thoughts

I've been a bad blogger.  I haven't really commented much, nor have I written much.  My last post was last Friday, and it's been 4 days since my last post.

Lots have crossed my mind, but I've just not been motivated to post.  I'll get better about this, I promise.

(image from www.incomingthought.com/ images/man_laptop.jpg)

So here's a summary of the last few days.

• My Babe and I went to Easter Service at our church.  We were lucky enough to sit with my dear friend E and her family.  My 2 1/2 -year-old goddaughter L spent half of the service in my arms and on my lap during the service.  It was bittersweet.  I love the fact that I get to be around my goddaughter and her 9-month old brother, to hang out and hold them.  For them to be excited to see me and want to hang out with me.  Yet at the same time I wonder if I would ever hold my own babies in my lap someday.
• We spent Easter lunch at my in-laws.  I made grilled leg of lamb and it was a hit.  My 2 nieces, 9 and 5 year olds are so funny and cute.  My SIL and her hubby have done a wonderful job raising 2 very well behaved and smart kids.  I often wonder if my Babe and I will be make great parents like them, and if we will have a chance to teach our kids and pass on our values and traditions.
• I am not worried about if we will become parents.  I do worry if we will ever have children that look like us, our own biological children.  Maybe this sounds selfish to some, but I would love to have children that I can say yup, he's got his daddy's long legs or musical talents, or she's got her mommy's eyes.  Is that too much to wish for?
• After my transfer was cancelled, I went found out using an IVF due date calculator that if the transfer was not cancelled, and if I had a BFP, my baby (if singleton) would have been due on December 9th, 2010.  Looks like 2010 will not be the year for a baby for us.

I'm sorry if this and the last few posts seem such downers.  I'm just expressing my thoughts, thoughts that are true and which I don't want to forget.  I think it's important to honor that.

Good Friday

Today is Good Friday.

Today would have been my Beta, if my transfer wasn't canceled.

Today could have been a Great Friday.

April Fool

Thank you for all the wonderful comments regarding grieving and loss of my embryos.  It helps to reaffirm that it is OK for me to grieve my canceled transfer, and for my embryos.  Thanks also for the wonderful suggestions on coping.  I'm planning on scheduling a massage and maybe some retail therapy.

AF showed up today, she's just starting.  I'm actually surprised, I wasn't expecting her until tomorrow or later.  I took my last dose of Endome.trin on Tuesday night, and the doc said to expect her 3-5 days later.  I guess she just can't wait.  April Fool's on me I guess.  I should have known when 3 zits showed up on my face last night.

I went back to my Zum.ba class at the Y tonight.  It was nice to get back to working out after stopping when I started my stims.  It looks like I will be able to continue working out as we won't be starting any treatment any time soon.

Tomorrow, my Babe has the day off for Good Friday.  We are going on a short road trip for the day.  We are driving 3 1/2 hours to Fargo, N.D to visit my Babe's brother for a few hours.  Then we come home.  My babe has been working a lot of hours lately and has been really stressed out.  It will be a nice break for us to get away.