This last couple of days have been pretty hard.
Yes, things have gone well with the donor family and the open donation agreement. I am now just waiting for my May transfer date, and for my protocol so I can order and start my meds.
On the other hand, there has been a lot of pregnancy updates on the embryo adoption Face.book group, blogs, as well as emails from those that I am blog friends with. So far, all have been positive...... two lines on the home pregnancy tests and good beta numbers. A few are NEDC mamas who just had their March transfers. Sounds like March was a good month at NEDC. Can't help but wonder, would I have had a good outcome too if I had been able to get on the March transfer cycle?
The hard about all this is, yes I am truly happy for those who are getting good news. I have been through a similar journey and I really want them to be successful in their pregnancies. But as any of us that have been through the infertility journey know, we all feel the pang of hurt and the feeling of "Why not me?" It sucks to have to go through feeling like a fake because you say things like, "Congrats!" or "So happy for you!" because while you do truly mean it, at the same time, you feel hurt. And jealous.
The worse part of it all, because of my last transfer in January where I had a high initial beta number and then was devastated when I found out at my second beta that it had dropped dramatically, I want to yell "Be cautious! Don't get too excited, because it can still all go to hell!"
But of course I don't. I know it is unusual for a high initial beta to drop after a few days. Though it can happen, I know what happened to me is not common. So I don't say anything but be supportive of their good news. Chances are, their good news will stay good and eventually be great news.
I think this is hitting me especially hard because I know my May transfer at NEDC will be my last if it is not successful. There is a lot at stake here, and a lot of pressure. After so much consideration in making the decision to pursue embryo adoption, it is a hard to give it up.
So, if you are reading this and have a positive pregnancy test or beta number, please be assured that I truly am happy for you and pray that your pregnancy continues to go well.
I still just need to be sad for myself. At least for now.