Friday, March 28, 2014

This Is Hard

This last couple of days have been pretty hard.

Yes, things have gone well with the donor family and the open donation agreement.  I am now just waiting for my May transfer date, and for my protocol so I can order and start my meds.

On the other hand, there has been a lot of pregnancy updates on the embryo adoption Face.book group, blogs, as well as emails from those that I am blog friends with.  So far, all have been positive...... two lines on the home pregnancy tests and good beta numbers.  A few are NEDC mamas who just had their March transfers.  Sounds like March was a good month at NEDC.  Can't help but wonder, would I have had a good outcome too if I had been able to get on the March transfer cycle?

The hard about all this is, yes I am truly happy for those who are getting good news.  I have been through a similar journey and I really want them to be successful in their pregnancies.  But as any of us that have been through the infertility journey know, we all feel the pang of hurt and the feeling of "Why not me?"  It sucks to have to go through feeling like a fake because you say things like, "Congrats!" or "So happy for you!" because while you do truly mean it, at the same time, you feel hurt. And jealous.

The worse part of it all, because of my last transfer in January where I had a high initial beta number and then was devastated when I found out at my second beta that it had dropped dramatically, I want to yell "Be cautious! Don't get too excited, because it can still all go to hell!"

But of course I don't.  I know it is unusual for a high initial beta to drop after a few days.  Though it can happen, I know what happened to me is not common.  So I don't say anything but be supportive of their good news.  Chances are, their good news will stay good and eventually be great news.

I think this is hitting me especially hard because I know my May transfer at NEDC will be my last if it is not successful.  There is a lot at stake here, and a lot of pressure.  After so much consideration in making the decision to pursue embryo adoption, it is a hard to give it up.

So, if you are reading this and have a positive pregnancy test or beta number, please be assured that I truly am happy for you and pray that your pregnancy continues to go well.

I still just need to be sad for myself.  At least for now.


12 comments:

  1. Oh .... This does have to be hard. :( I remember thinking I was set for a September transfer and not getting to transfer till the November cycle due to a concern that my uterus might be deformed. Counting the days with you till those protocols arrive (18 days tops!) and things get moving again!

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  2. Oh sweetie, biggest hugs. I will confess that felt exactly the same way when some of my closest friends on blogs and boards who had suffered awful infertility (far longer than me, in many cases) also found success when I was having miscarriages. I then felt guilty and didn't tell anyone either. I had to "fake" those "CONGRATS" and "YAY SO HAPPY FOR YOU" messages. It's an awful place to be in not knowing why I was left behind. We care about you, I totally care about you and am rooting for you like you wouldn't believe. I wish I could just fix this for you and all of the deserving ladies who suffer from this kind of pain. It makes me want to cry knowing how much you hurt.

    Just know I'm sending you lots of love, hugs, and understanding. You are an amazing woman with an amazing heart who is left to bear something that is unbearable. I can't wait for it to be your turn. *hug* <3 <3 <3

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  3. And it is okay to be sad for yourself! We all get it. Hugs.

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  4. it makes so much sense for you to be sad right now, anxious even... i am praying so very much for you that this next transfer will be the one that comes home in your arms... you need your "happy" too, you've been so kind and gracious to others.... praying that it is your turn next. (((hugs)))

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  5. Absolutely know what you mean. How many congrats have I given and thought to myself, "why not me?". We have all been there and understand. So excited for your upcoming trsnsfer. I pray that you'll get wonderful news and it will at long last be your turn. You deserve it. **Hugs**

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  6. I'm with you. I think its very hard being infertile in a fertile world. Now I know how the OT women like Rachel and Hannah struggled, though they probably had it worse cos being barren in those days was viewed as a curse, that they didn't have God's favor on them. God knows our hearts and how desperately we long for children. I hope He gives you the desire of your heart, that your joy may be real and overflowing :)

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  7. It really is so, so hard. I often have the same feelings when women in a similar situation to me get pregnant. Hang in there!

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  8. I am right there with you...the fake congrats, the cautious optimism, the wanting to yell "don't get ahead of yourself." I'm right there with you. And I know it's hard to mourn or wait when others are celebrating. I think I will forever be mourning a little even in the best moments. So I get it. And I see you. There is a season to mourn and a season to sing. And it is okay to feel whatever you feel. And I do pray that God showers you with amazing things and the desires of your heart. For right now, I pray for peace and comfort -- however that looks: coffee, a good movie, a good cry. Love you lots friend.

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  9. Can't wait to hear what comes next!!! I just discovered your blog and I'm so sorry you're hurting. I can't imagine that anyone who knows your story could fault you for feeling pain.

    The blog I write for, How Do You Do It?, is hosting a week of stories in honour of Infertility Awareness Week April 20-26. We'd love it if you'd considering contributing a guest post. Details are at http://hdydi.com/features/theme-weeks/infertility-awareness-week-2014/.

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  10. What you are feeling is so normal. Anyone who has gone through infertility knows exactly what it feels like. When you hear other people's success stories and you congratulate them, you are not being fake at all! You DO wish them the best. But in the back of your mind, it makes you reflect about your current situation and it makes you sad. Which is completely NORMAL. Don't feel bad about it.

    I know you may feel a lot of pressure with your upcoming cycle in May. Don't give up hope though! There are so many people praying for you guys, including myself! If it works, we will all rejoice and celebrate with you. If it doesn't work, we will all be here to support you and will be with you as you decide what your next moves will be. So many unknowns, but one thing is for sure, you are not on this journey alone my friend!! :)

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  11. i love your rawness and honesty. can totally relate.

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  12. I truly feel your pain and grief. I truly think that the third time is the charm and have the most hope for you. I am not sure what the future holds and I was right where you are a couple of months ago wondering if I would ever be successful. We are all here for you sweetie. You are stronger than you know hugs

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