I took the test.
The results window of the pregnancy test was stark white. Not pregnant. Of course not. I knew that.
Yesterday, as I was driving home from work, I started having the familiar feeling of those pre-mentrual twitches. I was pretty sure my period would start. And then, nothing. Again, today I felt those familiar feelings again on my drive home, except they were stronger and felt like for sure I my period would arrive. But then, still nothing.
I was actually reluctant to take the test tonight. I wanted to return it to Tar.get. but we can't find the stupid receipt. Finally, Babe bribed me with happy hour tomorrow night, just so that we would know. Like me, he also liked not knowing for sure because then there was still some slight hope for a miracle pregnancy. Though deep down, I knew it was wishful thinking. So I took the test, and I know for sure I am not pregnant. I am a little disappointed but relieved to know.
Looking at my calendar, as of today, I am 17 days late. And still no sign of my period. I'm still blaming it on my new job and change in schedule. Anyone else experienced this, with a period being this late?
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Monday, July 14, 2014
Catching Up
Sorry for being MIA again. Can't believe it's been almost a month since my last update. I have an excuse...... sort of.
I started a new job. Yup, a new job. It's all kind of crazy actually. I have not been working for the last 2 years. Long story but it had to do with me being so stressed out working at my job that we decided I wanted to quit and Babe was OK with it. We figured we would take the time off for me to get healthier and focus on our adoption plans. We took the time to start our adoption home study and made the decision to pursue embryo adoption. This entire time I was not seriously considering going back to work because we thought for sure embryo adoption work for us. But one transfer led to another, and then a third.
Anyway, a ex-colleague of mine whom I have been meeting up for lunches for the last couple of years have been trying to get me into the company she works for. I actually interviewed at her company a year ago, but it didn't work out. In April, I had lunch with her again and she said that the were looking for someone for a position that she thought I would be a good fit. I applied for it and didn't hear anything for over a month. Then one day, I received an email asking me to interview with the company ASAP. I had my interview a week before my transfer in May. I was told that the company was planning to offer me the position before I left for NEDC.
It was a weird feeling going into my transfer knowing that I have a job after the transfer. At first I was torn about whether I should accept a new job. I was praying and hoping that the transfer would work and I would be pregnant. I was also worried about being pregnant and not being able to perform on the job from nausea and fatigue. Plus I also plan to stay home once the baby was born, but I felt bad about having to leave only after a few months. But I also didn't want to turn down the job. If God was opening a door for me, especially an unexpected one, I really shouldn't be closing it.
So, we figured getting pregnant would be our Plan A. If Plan A worked, then my job would be Plan B, and we would use it as a short term savings plan to replenish our dwindling savings account. If we didn't get pregnant, then Plan B would be Plan A, as I needed to get back to work to replenish our savings account to fund our traditional adoption plans, if we decided to go that way. We figured having a job is a good thing either way.
I received my official job offer on the Friday before Memorial Day, a few days after we got back from NEDC. I accepted the job offer on the Tuesday after Memorial Day. It was the same day as my first beta for my May transfer. Talk about crazy timing. When I found out about our negative pregnancy test, I was devastated. But at the same time, I had peace about it. I knew that though this was painful, I had something to look forward to as well. And having a job was going to be a relief financially too.
So, I started my new job on the Monday before the 4th of July. There nothing quite like starting a new job on a holiday week. This has been an interesting transition. I have not been working for 2 years and have to get back into the groove of working and having to get up and go to work like everyone else. I am also working in a similar role but in an entirely different area. So I will have A LOT to learn and get used to. But I am happy to be at my company, which is a very large global corporation. I am not naming it, but you use their products everyday. If I tell you the company name, you would recognize it immediately.
On an entirely different note. I am contemplating taking a home pregnancy test.
Why? My period is 2 weeks late.
Crazy, right? However, I am almost 100% sure I am not pregnant. Why? Because for the last 11 years, I have not been able to get pregnant naturally. Nor with IVF. Not even with adopted embryos. Plus, I am not feeling any signs of pregnancy like nausea or fatigue like I did when I was briefly pregnant with a chemical pregnancy back in November. I blame my late period on the stress of starting a new job, and having to adjust to lack of sleep. At the same time, it's kind of fun to have the stupid feeling of false hope, that maybe this is my miracle pregnancy!
But, I am considering taking a pregnancy test because I have been drinking a lot of coffee since I started my job. I even had 2 drinks this month. But, I also know that as soon as I take the test, my period will start. That has always happened with taking a home pregnancy test for me. One year, I was 10 days late, but the home pregnancy test was showing a negative. I had my blood drawn at a clinic, and as soon I as I got the negative result from the blood test, my period came.
But I am tired of just not knowing and having to keep waiting for my period to start. I want to make sure I can continue drinking coffee without feeling guilty. I even had Babe run to Tar.get today and pick up a 2-pack kit.
But as of now, I'm still just staring at the box. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. Maybe.
I started a new job. Yup, a new job. It's all kind of crazy actually. I have not been working for the last 2 years. Long story but it had to do with me being so stressed out working at my job that we decided I wanted to quit and Babe was OK with it. We figured we would take the time off for me to get healthier and focus on our adoption plans. We took the time to start our adoption home study and made the decision to pursue embryo adoption. This entire time I was not seriously considering going back to work because we thought for sure embryo adoption work for us. But one transfer led to another, and then a third.
Anyway, a ex-colleague of mine whom I have been meeting up for lunches for the last couple of years have been trying to get me into the company she works for. I actually interviewed at her company a year ago, but it didn't work out. In April, I had lunch with her again and she said that the were looking for someone for a position that she thought I would be a good fit. I applied for it and didn't hear anything for over a month. Then one day, I received an email asking me to interview with the company ASAP. I had my interview a week before my transfer in May. I was told that the company was planning to offer me the position before I left for NEDC.
It was a weird feeling going into my transfer knowing that I have a job after the transfer. At first I was torn about whether I should accept a new job. I was praying and hoping that the transfer would work and I would be pregnant. I was also worried about being pregnant and not being able to perform on the job from nausea and fatigue. Plus I also plan to stay home once the baby was born, but I felt bad about having to leave only after a few months. But I also didn't want to turn down the job. If God was opening a door for me, especially an unexpected one, I really shouldn't be closing it.
So, we figured getting pregnant would be our Plan A. If Plan A worked, then my job would be Plan B, and we would use it as a short term savings plan to replenish our dwindling savings account. If we didn't get pregnant, then Plan B would be Plan A, as I needed to get back to work to replenish our savings account to fund our traditional adoption plans, if we decided to go that way. We figured having a job is a good thing either way.
I received my official job offer on the Friday before Memorial Day, a few days after we got back from NEDC. I accepted the job offer on the Tuesday after Memorial Day. It was the same day as my first beta for my May transfer. Talk about crazy timing. When I found out about our negative pregnancy test, I was devastated. But at the same time, I had peace about it. I knew that though this was painful, I had something to look forward to as well. And having a job was going to be a relief financially too.
So, I started my new job on the Monday before the 4th of July. There nothing quite like starting a new job on a holiday week. This has been an interesting transition. I have not been working for 2 years and have to get back into the groove of working and having to get up and go to work like everyone else. I am also working in a similar role but in an entirely different area. So I will have A LOT to learn and get used to. But I am happy to be at my company, which is a very large global corporation. I am not naming it, but you use their products everyday. If I tell you the company name, you would recognize it immediately.
On an entirely different note. I am contemplating taking a home pregnancy test.
Why? My period is 2 weeks late.
Crazy, right? However, I am almost 100% sure I am not pregnant. Why? Because for the last 11 years, I have not been able to get pregnant naturally. Nor with IVF. Not even with adopted embryos. Plus, I am not feeling any signs of pregnancy like nausea or fatigue like I did when I was briefly pregnant with a chemical pregnancy back in November. I blame my late period on the stress of starting a new job, and having to adjust to lack of sleep. At the same time, it's kind of fun to have the stupid feeling of false hope, that maybe this is my miracle pregnancy!
But, I am considering taking a pregnancy test because I have been drinking a lot of coffee since I started my job. I even had 2 drinks this month. But, I also know that as soon as I take the test, my period will start. That has always happened with taking a home pregnancy test for me. One year, I was 10 days late, but the home pregnancy test was showing a negative. I had my blood drawn at a clinic, and as soon I as I got the negative result from the blood test, my period came.
But I am tired of just not knowing and having to keep waiting for my period to start. I want to make sure I can continue drinking coffee without feeling guilty. I even had Babe run to Tar.get today and pick up a 2-pack kit.
But as of now, I'm still just staring at the box. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. Maybe.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Phone Consult & Short Vacation
First off, I have to apologize for being MIA for a couple of weeks. If you have been waiting for me to update here, I'm sorry it took me so long.
On 6/4, I had my post transfer phone consult with Dr. Keenan. He was genuinely sorry and disappointed that our transfer didn't work out. He said everyone at the clinic were shocked and disappointed that I was not pregnant. He said there was no good reason why I did not get pregnant. My lining was good. The transfer went well. The embryos were of good quality. I had an endometrial biopsy done prior to my transfer, and that should have increased my chances. He doesn't think it is an issue with the embryos since we had embryos from 3 different donor families for all three of my transfers, and each family has had successful pregnancies.
He suspects that I may have implantation issues. I asked him what that means and he said there is something in the uterus that is not favorable for implantation, but it may be impossible to really know what it is. He said there are not much research done on implantation issues in humans (since it would threaten a pregnancy). I asked him about additional testing for issues such as autoimmune issues, as suggested by others. He said there is no evidence of autoimmune issues causing EARLY pregnancy losses like a chemical pregnancy as in my case.
I asked about the 3 attempt per pregnancy policy at NEDC and if he would make an exception. He said most women should get pregnant by their third try. I can't remember his actual words, but it was pretty much no. He did however bring up the topic of special needs embryos. He said there is possibly a chance we could try again with special needs embryos, though he was not comfortable with it. These are embryos that may have a higher risk of medical conditions and is usually overlooked by adoptive families, such as embryos where siblings have been born with a heart condition or downs syndrome, or a parent is HIV positive, etc. A transfer wish these embryos would be treated the same as other transfers, meaning I would still need a current home study. He said if that is something Babe and I are interested in, then he will have Angie, the coordinator contact us. That afternoon itself, Angie emailed me that Dr. Keenan had approved us to do another transfer with special needs embryos and wanted to know if we wanted to see the profiles. I told her we had not decided and would like her know when/if we were ready to see those profiles.
So, at this point, we don't really know what our next steps are. We could do another round at NEDC with special needs embryos but I am not sure if I am comfortable with that at this point in time. We could try another agency or clinic that does embryo adoption or embryo donation, but we would want to make sure if there are any issues that we can rule out that can affect implantation, such as autoimmune issues. Or we could focus on going back on the route of traditional adoption. We are currently in a holding pattern as to our next steps.
Instead of making a decision, Babe decided that I needed a break from all this and sent me on a short vacation to Florida. He would have come with me but he does not have much vacations days. I went to visit a friend from high school, one I have not seen since I was 15! It was fun catching up, and it was nice to be able to chat with her about our journey. She too had gone through infertility, had a couple of miscarriages and now has a 5-year old son. We went on a glass bottom boat ride in Key Largo, toured the Everglades on an airboat, checked out alligators, held a baby alligator in my hands, ate some fantastic key lime pies, and checked out the (in)famous South Beach of Miami. And that is the reason for my delayed update here on my blog.
On 6/4, I had my post transfer phone consult with Dr. Keenan. He was genuinely sorry and disappointed that our transfer didn't work out. He said everyone at the clinic were shocked and disappointed that I was not pregnant. He said there was no good reason why I did not get pregnant. My lining was good. The transfer went well. The embryos were of good quality. I had an endometrial biopsy done prior to my transfer, and that should have increased my chances. He doesn't think it is an issue with the embryos since we had embryos from 3 different donor families for all three of my transfers, and each family has had successful pregnancies.
He suspects that I may have implantation issues. I asked him what that means and he said there is something in the uterus that is not favorable for implantation, but it may be impossible to really know what it is. He said there are not much research done on implantation issues in humans (since it would threaten a pregnancy). I asked him about additional testing for issues such as autoimmune issues, as suggested by others. He said there is no evidence of autoimmune issues causing EARLY pregnancy losses like a chemical pregnancy as in my case.
I asked about the 3 attempt per pregnancy policy at NEDC and if he would make an exception. He said most women should get pregnant by their third try. I can't remember his actual words, but it was pretty much no. He did however bring up the topic of special needs embryos. He said there is possibly a chance we could try again with special needs embryos, though he was not comfortable with it. These are embryos that may have a higher risk of medical conditions and is usually overlooked by adoptive families, such as embryos where siblings have been born with a heart condition or downs syndrome, or a parent is HIV positive, etc. A transfer wish these embryos would be treated the same as other transfers, meaning I would still need a current home study. He said if that is something Babe and I are interested in, then he will have Angie, the coordinator contact us. That afternoon itself, Angie emailed me that Dr. Keenan had approved us to do another transfer with special needs embryos and wanted to know if we wanted to see the profiles. I told her we had not decided and would like her know when/if we were ready to see those profiles.
So, at this point, we don't really know what our next steps are. We could do another round at NEDC with special needs embryos but I am not sure if I am comfortable with that at this point in time. We could try another agency or clinic that does embryo adoption or embryo donation, but we would want to make sure if there are any issues that we can rule out that can affect implantation, such as autoimmune issues. Or we could focus on going back on the route of traditional adoption. We are currently in a holding pattern as to our next steps.
Instead of making a decision, Babe decided that I needed a break from all this and sent me on a short vacation to Florida. He would have come with me but he does not have much vacations days. I went to visit a friend from high school, one I have not seen since I was 15! It was fun catching up, and it was nice to be able to chat with her about our journey. She too had gone through infertility, had a couple of miscarriages and now has a 5-year old son. We went on a glass bottom boat ride in Key Largo, toured the Everglades on an airboat, checked out alligators, held a baby alligator in my hands, ate some fantastic key lime pies, and checked out the (in)famous South Beach of Miami. And that is the reason for my delayed update here on my blog.
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| Checking out fish and corals on the glass bottom boat |
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| View from the back of the boat |
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| Some of the homes and boat in Key Largo |
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| Our neighboring airboat hunting for alligators |
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| The (in)famous South Beach of Miami |
Monday, June 2, 2014
Doubly Blessed!
I am doubly blessed!
I got home tonight and found 2 different packages waiting for me at home. I received a care package from a L., a fairly "new" friend. She and I started getting to know each other a few months ago after she commented on my blog, and we started emailing each other. She has also gone through a long journey in infertility, and I shared with her my journey of embryo adoption. I received a nice card with a sweet note in it, some Ferrero Rocher (yum!), some dark chocolate nibs and some mints. Some things to sweeten up my day!
I feel so blessed to received such care packages from friends. Not just any friends, but new friends. Friends I have never met in person. Friends whom I have never even spoken on the phone with yet. And it is not so much what were in the packages (though they are very special), nor how much the items may cost. But it is the fact that people, who are still almost strangers, care enough to think about me and how I feel, would take the time out of their busy lives to pick up something special to comfort and encourage me from afar. Something to put a smile on my face. And to be honest, it did not just put a smile on my face, but also made me shed a few tears. Not out of sadness, but out of gratitude.
Again, I am amazed at how God can use people around me, *strangers* even, to touch my life. It may not seem like a big deal to some, but for me, this small gesture has touched me in a big way.
One of the blessings of infertility is that it has taught me that people can be generous not just with their finances, but also with their heart and love. A little thought and care can go a long way for the person receiving it. I am blessed to have learned this lesson first hand.
I got home tonight and found 2 different packages waiting for me at home. I received a care package from a L., a fairly "new" friend. She and I started getting to know each other a few months ago after she commented on my blog, and we started emailing each other. She has also gone through a long journey in infertility, and I shared with her my journey of embryo adoption. I received a nice card with a sweet note in it, some Ferrero Rocher (yum!), some dark chocolate nibs and some mints. Some things to sweeten up my day!
The other package I received today is from a very new friend, R. She is a blog reader and commenter. I am not sure when she started reading my blog but her words have been a huge encouragement and have been very special to me. She reached out to me via email the day after I found out about my negative beta last week. Though we are still just getting to know each other, I feel that we already have a very special connection through our infertility journeys. She blessed me with a beautiful card, a yummy smelling candle, a bar of French lavender soap, some dark chocolate and a very beautiful self stamper with my initial on it.
Again, I am amazed at how God can use people around me, *strangers* even, to touch my life. It may not seem like a big deal to some, but for me, this small gesture has touched me in a big way.
One of the blessings of infertility is that it has taught me that people can be generous not just with their finances, but also with their heart and love. A little thought and care can go a long way for the person receiving it. I am blessed to have learned this lesson first hand.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Feeling A Little Lost
My period finally arrived last night. Just as I predicted, 4 days after my beta, after all meds were stopped. The same thing happened during the last 2 transfers in November and January. So I was pretty confident it was going to happen again.
I'm not too sure about how to feel about this period. It is most likely going to be the last period that I would have been most likely to have a chance at getting pregnant. I was technically pregnant twice before. But not this cycle. Not this last chance at pregnancy, even with adopted embryos.
I'm feeling a little lost as to what to do with myself.
I catch myself thinking I crave a cup of coffee, but I shouldn't because..... oh, never mind.
I am contemplating if I should even continue taking my prenatal vitamins. Maybe switch to regular multivitamins? Maybe skip it all together? I have been trying to "do the right thing" for so long there is freedom in not having to take vitamins, but at the same time a little unnerving.
I see some cute pants online and think nah... I shouldn't get those just in case I won't fit in them in a few months. Then realize, oh never mind. I won't have a baby belly.
For a while now, I have been reading a lot of articles online about pregnancy, breastfeeding, baby names, parenthood, etc. I still have a great desire and interests in these articles, but I wonder, why bother.
It is a bit confusing right now. Not quite sure where I fit in. I will have a phone consult with Dr. Keenan on Wednesday morning. But until then, we are not making any decisions. It's tempting to start researching other agencies or clinics about embryo adoption/donation programs. I've also contemplated pulling out and filling up the paperwork for traditional adoption.
Being the planner that I am, I want to just jump right in and start planning for our next move, but I know it is still too early. We need to take some time to just BE. To grieve. To be accept and be OK with what has happened. To have worked through our emotions before making any decisions.
So for now, we wait. Again.
I'm not too sure about how to feel about this period. It is most likely going to be the last period that I would have been most likely to have a chance at getting pregnant. I was technically pregnant twice before. But not this cycle. Not this last chance at pregnancy, even with adopted embryos.
I'm feeling a little lost as to what to do with myself.
I catch myself thinking I crave a cup of coffee, but I shouldn't because..... oh, never mind.
I am contemplating if I should even continue taking my prenatal vitamins. Maybe switch to regular multivitamins? Maybe skip it all together? I have been trying to "do the right thing" for so long there is freedom in not having to take vitamins, but at the same time a little unnerving.
I see some cute pants online and think nah... I shouldn't get those just in case I won't fit in them in a few months. Then realize, oh never mind. I won't have a baby belly.
For a while now, I have been reading a lot of articles online about pregnancy, breastfeeding, baby names, parenthood, etc. I still have a great desire and interests in these articles, but I wonder, why bother.
It is a bit confusing right now. Not quite sure where I fit in. I will have a phone consult with Dr. Keenan on Wednesday morning. But until then, we are not making any decisions. It's tempting to start researching other agencies or clinics about embryo adoption/donation programs. I've also contemplated pulling out and filling up the paperwork for traditional adoption.
Being the planner that I am, I want to just jump right in and start planning for our next move, but I know it is still too early. We need to take some time to just BE. To grieve. To be accept and be OK with what has happened. To have worked through our emotions before making any decisions.
So for now, we wait. Again.
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