Sunday, June 1, 2014

Feeling A Little Lost

My period finally arrived last night.  Just as I predicted, 4 days after my beta, after all meds were stopped.  The same thing happened during the last 2 transfers in November and January.  So I was pretty confident it was going to happen again.

I'm not too sure about how to feel about this period.  It is most likely going to be the last period that I would have been most likely to have a chance at getting pregnant.  I was technically pregnant twice before.  But not this cycle.  Not this last chance at pregnancy, even with adopted embryos.

I'm feeling a little lost as to what to do with myself.

I catch myself thinking I crave a cup of coffee, but I shouldn't because..... oh, never mind.

I am contemplating if I should even continue taking my prenatal vitamins.  Maybe switch to regular multivitamins?  Maybe skip it all together?  I have been trying to "do the right thing" for so long there is freedom in not having to take vitamins, but at the same time a little unnerving.

I see some cute pants online and think nah... I shouldn't get those just in case I won't fit in them in a few months.  Then realize, oh never mind.  I won't have a baby belly.

For a while now, I have been reading a lot of articles online about pregnancy, breastfeeding, baby names, parenthood, etc.  I still have a great desire and interests in these articles, but I wonder, why bother.

It is a bit confusing right now.  Not quite sure where I fit in.  I will have a phone consult with Dr. Keenan on Wednesday morning.  But until then, we are not making any decisions.  It's tempting to start researching other agencies or clinics about embryo adoption/donation programs.  I've also contemplated pulling out and filling up the paperwork for traditional adoption.

Being the planner that I am, I want to just jump right in and start planning for our next move, but I know it is still too early.  We need to take some time to just BE.  To grieve.  To be accept and be OK with what has happened.  To have worked through our emotions before making any decisions.

So for now, we wait.  Again.


  1. I've been following alone with you this whole time, hoping for a wonderful outcome for you. This post resonated with me especially all your feelings about being a little lost. You are so right in just needing to BE for a bit. It's ok if you skip your vitamin even just for a few days...give yourself a break honey. Hang in there and keep writing.

  2. Oh the waiting. I'm a planner too and all the waiting is the hardest part for me. Trust me I know it's easier said than done but take some time for you- whatever it is you need. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers friend!

  3. You are in my prayers! Praying for clear direction for you and your hubby on your next steps. Sorry for your loss and hugs.

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  5. Prayers! I'll keep praying that God will guide you.

    Grieve for now. Grieving will help you move on with what you choose to do in the future.

    So sorry!

  6. Thinking of you. I know this has got to be so hard. After my miscarriage, I had a lot of those same feelings and thoughts, and then reminders of oh...nevermind, I CAN have caffeine now or buy those pants. I wanted to grieve, but I also wanted to look forward again to the future and begin planning immediately. You'll get there and I am excited for when you do start moving forward. Never give up, sweet lady! God's going to bless your faithfulness. XO

  7. ((((hugs)))) I hope this time of just "being" will rest your heart allow you to grieve as you see fit... praying the Lord will answer your prayers for direction. <3

  8. Wish I was there to give you a big hug!! I think taking the time to 'just be' is good. It's a great opportunity to just process everything and to pray about what your next steps are. And keep in mind that some things we can't 'plan' for. Have faith that God will reveal his plans for you and your family. :)

  9. Thank you for sharing your feelings. This post and your "I Feel" post were so touching and honest that I sent it to my MIL so she could better understand what we have endured (and she is a sweetheart who will pray for you). I could relate to your lost feelings and being unsure of next steps. I continue to pray for you and Babe, especially that God would guide you through this time and that this next steps would become clear when you are ready. And yes, just try to "be" and I pray that God would comfort you. Be gentle on yourself. R

  10. I have been reading your blog for a while and I'm so sad for your situation. I am not sure that you are ready for this comment but I feel the tug or the call to share the following with you. If you want a child, there are already babies and toddlers living around the world in orphanages who could be home with their Momma's within 12 months. I know that you have a desire for a pregnancy, and that day will come when the time is right. I just feel God calling me to share the news about China Special Needs Adoption with you. In my opinion, there is not a better stable program or more cost effective route than the China special needs program. There is NO better guarantee for becoming a Mom than starting this program. A child WILL come home to your house and you WILL be a MOM by next Mother's Day. This is guaranteed. There is none of the doubt or uncertainty that embryo or traditional adoptions bring. In fact, it is an exciting time for China Special Needs adoption because many great agencies are forming new partnerships with orphanages in China to find families for children. If you are at a place where you might be open to parenting a child from China, it is the time to BEGIN!!! Agencies need families in the process in order to place little ones soon. Both girls, and especially little boys are waiting to be matched with their Mom and Dad.

  11. Americans for International Aid and Adoption (a longtime reliable agency) has a new El Salvador program. They also are open to contact regarding their Korea program from families with completed home studies. New programs from established agencies, such as the China special needs program, are often the fastest way to adopt. Many years ago I visited an orphanage in Korea. Seeing the need for families for children is something I never forgot.