Crazy Dreams

Do you dream when you sleep at night?  Lately, it seems that I dream.  Every.  Single.  Night.  Not just regular dreams, but crazy dreams.  Unfortunately, I always forget them almost as soon as I wake up.  I know I really need to write them down, but I just forget to do so.

Yesterday morning, I had a funky dream and I kinda mumbled it to Babe before he left for work.  I then went back to sleep and had another dream.  I'm glad I told him about it because I forgot most if it.

The first dream, I dreamt that Babe and I were on a small single engine plane.  And for some reason, I was trying to land the plane.  This is weird because Babe is the one with a private pilot license and sometimes I fly with him.  I don't know how to fly a plane.  I'm just the so-called "co-pilot", a.k.a. the map holder.  So it was really weird that I would be trying to land the plane.  And I was panicking because we were coming in for the landing but the angle was way too steep.  It was like watching a cartoon, and I saw the diagram of the plane, the ground, and the too-steep angle written right next to it.   Plus the ground was coming up really fast, and we weren't going to make it!  But that was when I woke up!

Then last night as we were laying in bed I asked him if he remembers me telling him about my dream and he said he did.  I then told him about my second dream after I went back to bed.  In this dream, my family and I (Babe, my sister and her family, my brother and my parents) were on a family vacation and we were on a bus. When we arrived at our first destination, I found out that my purse and my passport were missing.  It was frustrating and I was scrambling trying to find them.  I would not be able to join my family on the second part of our vacation which involved traveling to another county if I did not find my passport!  Somehow, after a long and exhausting search, I managed to find my passport but not my purse.  There was more to the dream but I never did find out how my dream would have ended, and I can't really remember most of the details.

I told Babe this, and his response was very interesting.  He said my dreams here, and others in the past seem to always involve me trying to figure out how to get myself out of a difficult situation.  They usually involve me being frustrated, scared, and not knowing how things will end.  Most of my dreams end before it is resolved.  His response came almost as shock to me, but he was right.  It has never occurred to me how most of my dreams had the same pattern.  I can remember maybe only one or two dreams that had a happy or contented feeling to it.

Could my dreams really be revealing the true state of my mind, about how uncertain I am about my future?  Of my kids?  Or my career?  Or is there more to that?

How about you?  Have you had any crazy dreams that mean something to you?  Do you see the end of your dreams, or are you left hanging at the end like me?

April ICLW & NIAW 2013

April has been an interesting month in Minnesota.  Technically we are in spring, but we just had a winter snowstorm last night, which produced a beautiful winter wonderland this morning. Then the sun came out and it was gorgeous!  The sun melted most of the snow, and the college kids were out running around and rollerblading in their shorts and t-shirts this afternoon (though we were only in the high 40's today!).

 

In addition, this week we have ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week) coinciding with the National Infertility Awareness Week.  So if you are stopping by from ICLW, welcome.  I've already missed a couple of days of ICLW but will try to keep up with commenting.  See who else is participating this month and maybe you will find another blog or two that interests you.

For those new here, and to catch folks up, here's a quick recap of where we are.  Babe and I have been married over 10 years and have been trying for a baby of our own for almost 9 of those years.  We have done 4 rounds of IVF but have been unsuccessful.  In the last year, we have been on the path of international adoption.  Then in November, we decided that we wanted to pursue embryo adoption.  We are now working with the National Embryo Donation Center (NEDC) and have our first appointment in Knoxville, TN in May.  We hope to be matched with a donor family after that, and hope to transfer some adopted embryos hopefully this summer or fall.

This week is also National Infertility Awareness Week.  Resolve has been putting this together since 1989.  This year's theme is "Join the Movement".  There is a list of bloggers that have participated this year, writing about their infertility journeys.  Read them here.  If you or someone you love are new to infertility, these postings will help you understand and relate.  If you are a veteran like me, it will help you feel less alone in this journey.

Adoption Video

I have been following a few different adoption related groups and pages on FB.  I saw this earlier today and can't help but share it.  It's from a perspective of a Korean adoptee, but any adoptee can probably relate to it, whether international adoption, multi-racial adoption or domestic adoption.

What is your reaction to this video?


Rachel Rostad from Voice Media Group on Vimeo.

Approved!

We are FINALLY approved for our home study!!

Last Wednesday (sorry for the late posting!) we received a copy of our approved home study in the mail from our adoption agency (Old Agency).  It seems like the process has taken forever.  We dropped off our adoption paperwork with the agency in September, then met with our social worker in twice in November.  Then we were reassigned a new social worker because our original social worker had to take a leave of absence because her sister went missing right before Thanksgiving (sadly, they still have not found her).  We met with our new social worker at the end of January for our home visit.  That was when we informed her that we wanted to pursue embryo adoption.  At that point, she wasn't sure how we would need to proceed as the agency has never dealt with embryo adoption.  In fact she had never even heard of such a thing!  She had to check with the agency to figure out what to do next.

In February, we heard back from the agency saying that they would not be able to complete our home study as the are not equipped to do a home study for embryo adoption.  You can read about it here.  We were devastated and furious as we were so close to getting our home study done.  We started looking at another adoption agency that would work with us to complete a home study for embryo adoption.  After meeting in person with the managers of the original agency, they agreed to complete the home study on the condition that we transfer our home study to another agency, and then we could work the them instead to complete our embryo adoption.  You can read about that here.  We are willing to go to another agency and pay the extra money for a home study update for a chance to pursue embryo adoption.

We finally received a draft of our home study on March 11th for review.  We reviewed it, and made corrections, and sent it back.  After not hearing anything back from the social worker, I emailed her again on April 5th, enquiring about the status of our home study.  She seemed surprised as she supposedly emailed us a final copy for our review on March 26th.  We didn't receive it, so she sent another copy for our review, which we did right away.  We finally got a copy of the approved home study in the mail last Wednesday, April 10th.

All in all, it took us a 7 months to get just the home study piece of our adoption process completed.  Does that sound about right for most people?  It just seems like a really long time to me.  This does not include the fact that we submitted our application (not the actual adoption paperwork) back in February and attended informational meetings, training, etc.  We worked on our adoption paperwork and sat on it for a few months.  We did not submit our actual paperwork until September 2012, and the home study was approved in April 2013.

So, the home study is approved!  We are moving right along!

On NEDC's side of things, I talked to the nurse last week.  I will be starting Es.trace (estrogen, taken to prepare the lining of the uterus for pregnancy) on either May 5th, or the first day for my next cycle, whichever is later.  That will be timed just right for my initial appointment at NEDC on 5/22.

Just a little  more than a month before we leave for Knoxville on 5/20!  Not like I'm counting or anything!

Loss..... Putting It Into Words

Today Lori, a dear blogger friend who has gone through so much, posted about an article she wrote on Standing Still.  Lori and I have been following each other's blogs for a few years now, and I am always amazed at her strength, faith and the heartfelt and honest words she puts into her posts.

The article she wrote "What I Want To Tell You.... A Year Later" talks about loss and grief.  About how people just don't understand what you going through, even if they have gone through similar.  Even if they think they can relate to your circumstance.  And how people deal with grief differently.  About how you can never forget the child you have lost, and continue to grieve for him.  Even if you now have a living child, you never forget.

I have never lost a baby, nor have I miscarried.  But just the same, people may not understand the grief that I go through for never having been able to experience pregnancy after years of wanting a child.

Please read Lori's article here.

Check out Standing Still.  It looks like an awesome resource if you or someone you love have experienced infertility and/or loss.

OLD. AS. DIRT.

OLD. AS. DIRT.

That's how I've been feeling lately.  Sorry I haven't been posting for quite a few days. I've been feeling kinda blah, and feeling sorry for myself lately.  Just a little.  Ok, maybe not so little.

I can't help but feel like I'm old as dirt.  At least on starting a family right now.  It doesn't help that I have a bunch of bright grey hairs in the most obvious spots of my head (I have straight black hair) staring back at me every time I look in the mirror.  Or that I can't help but notice that I have to move my reading materials just a tad bit further from my face when I read anything lately.

But mostly, the thought that if I am EXTREMELY lucky, I just might, possibly be pregnant on my 40th birthday.  That is IF I am able to get through my initial appointment and mock transfer without and issues in May.  And IF I manage to get an appointment for a transfer in July.  And IF it is actually successful and I get pregnant.  And after all that, IF I am able to stay pregnant, I just could possibly be a first time mom after 40!

That is ALOT of IFs and ANDs!  Realistically, I would be extremely fortunate to be able to be a first time mom after I turn 41.

Babe and I have had more than one conversation about if we are too old to be parents.  Here are some thoughts:

• We probably won't have as much energy as most other parents of kids our age. 
• Friends of our kids will probably have grandparents our age.
• We will probably not be able to be as active with our kids activities as we'd like to. 
• We will be close to 60 or older when our oldest graduates from high school...... if we are lucky. 
• We will probably not be able to save enough for our kid(s) to pay for college. 
• We will probably never be able to retire. 
• We will probably not be around to meet our grandkids.

Has anyone else felt this way?  I have not met too many people that have gone through infertility as long as we have, or as close to 40 as I am and becoming a parent for the first time..... whether in real life or in the blogworld.

While trying to get myself ready for our embryo transfer this summer or fall, I started looking around for pregnancy books for women over 35 or 40.  There really aren't that many out there.  There were a few that I found, but did not have very good reviews.

Can anyone recommend a good pregnancy book or resource for pregnancy after 35 or 40?

On a happier note, last Friday I was able to meet up with a couple of ladies for dinner that has adopted embryos from NEDC.  One is Katie, one of the gals from our Patiently Waiting adoption group who now has a set of twins at home.  The other is Malia from the blog Adoption Homestead, who is currently pregnant with an embryo adopted through NEDC as well.  Malia was in town and we were able to meet for the first time.  It was nice to be able to meet and talk about our stories and experiences, one that has been there and now has babies at home, another that is pregnant, and me that is just now going through the process.  We hope to continue meeting up as we all walk through our adoption journeys together.