2014.... Here We Go!

I can't believe that we are already almost to the second week of 2014.  I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas celebration with family and friends, and hope your ushering in of the New Year was fun and safe. 

Our Christmas this year was pretty uneventful.  The weather here in MN cooperated, so we had cold but good weather for Christmas eve and day.  We were able to attend Christmas eve service at our church and they had really awesome Christmas music and message.  On Christmas Day, we drove an hour up north to Babe's family and celebrated with all the extended families.  We celebrated New Year's by having a small get together with a few friends at our house and had food, fellowship and played some games.  It was nice and intimate.

As you may know, we have a transfer coming up on January 21st for our adopted frozen embryo(s).  This is a great way to look forward to the new year, with the hope that we will be pregnant and have a baby this year.  So far, I had been on BCPs for about 3 week (done now), am currently on Lu.pron (started on 12/22) and started taking Es.trace on January 1st.  I have my next ultrasound and E2 appointment on January 16th, and if all goes well there, I will start my PIO (progesterone in oil) shots on the 17th. 

It seems like everything was a waiting game, and now the transfer is almost here.  Transfer is in 12 days and we hop on a plane in 10 days!

This Christmas, Babe surprised me with a sweet gift.  He's usually not so great about getting gifts, plus we also agreed that we were not going to get each other a Christmas gift as our little Texas vacation was our gift to each other this year.  Anyway, Babe had heard that I would have liked to get something "snowflakey" to commemorate our embryo adoption transfers..... earrings, a necklace, etc. Well he surprised me with this little silver necklace with a sparkly crystal snowflake!  Sorry the photo isn't the best, but it really is pretty.  

My pretty silver necklace with a pretty crystal snowflake

Speaking of snowflakes, I forgot to post about this after my November transfer.  On our long drive (14 hours!) back to MN from Knoxville, we stopped at a rest stop in Berea, KY which also happens to be the Kentucky Artisan Center.  It is a neat place that showcases art and handmade items by local artists.  I wanted to pick up a Christmas ornament that would be a keepsake from our transfer.  I saw some cool wooden snowflake Christmas ornaments.  I had a hard time deciding between these 2 snowflakes, so Babe said let's get both.  We did transfer 2 embryos, so one ornament for each embryo.  Even though our November transfer resulted in a chemical pregnancy, I'm glad we picked these 2 up.  It is a wonderful way to remember the 2 embryos that I was pregnant with, even if for just a couple of weeks.

Wooden snowflake Christmas ornament from KY

Wooden snowflake Christmas ornament from KY

I am usually not one to make new year resolutions, but I have decided to read at least 25 books this year.  It shouldn't be too difficult, right?  Less than one book every 2 weeks.

What are you looking forward to in 2014?

Do I Sound Bitter?

Do I sound bitter?

I just re-read what I just wrote in my "Christmas Rant" post and I must sound bitter!

I sound whiny and pathetic, as if I don't like kids.  Well that's just not true.  I want kids of course!  It's just that it's really tough when it seemed that this Christmas (and others before this), everything revolved around kids.  And there were LOTS of kids around, just none that I can call my own.  It's tough to be the "outsider",  watching everyone else's kids open presents, and deep down praying and wishing with all your heart that you could have your own kids.  And have been deeply disappointed for so many years.  And being around family and so many kids is just a constant reminder of the pain.

I think those in the ALI community reading this may understand how I feel, or at least can empathize.

I guess I'm Ok with sounding bitter.  That's why it's called a rant, right?  What better place to get it off my chest than here?

Christmas Rant

I'd like to start off by saying that my first ICLW has been somewhat of a disaster.  With having company stay with us for 2 days and being out of town for 3, I did not have time to read or comment except for a handful of posts.  I will have to do better in January.  But thanks to all who commented on my posts from ICLW.

Here goes the Christmas Rant:  This year has been the most stressful and chaotic Christmas that I have experienced.  Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year, but not so much this year.  Here's why:

1. Major snowstorm in the midwest this year.  Driving out of town to my in-laws was no fun.  Fortunately, the roads were not as bad as expected, but there was a lot of snow that came down on the 23rd, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  That means being stuck at my in-laws (See #2).
2. Christmas at DH's parents included the following: 13 adults and 7 kids (ranging from 2 months to 9 years) in my in-law's 4 bedroom house.  There was NO peace or quiet in the house until all the kids were in bed.  I think I had a headache almost the entire time we were there.  I didn't even have a place to nap or get some peace (See #3).  2 nights there was more than enough!
3. Because DH and I were the only ones with no kids, we are always the ones stuck with sleeping on the couch, or on an uncomfortable air mattress in the living room or TV room.  I am OK with, but it gets really old when this is the case year after year.   It feels like we are chopped liver and belong on the bottom of the "entitled to a room" list.  It does not help that there is always someone waking up to use the bathroom or a kid crying in the middle of the night.  Of course being we sleep in the "public space", we hear them all.  Kids always wake up early and want to play or watch a movie where we are sleeping.  I was so tired and crabby on Christmas morning!  We had seriously considered getting a hotel room, but due to the snowstorm, we decided to just stay put in the house.  
4. In reference to #3, I wonder when/if we actually have kids in the (hopefully) new future,   if we will get a room at the house.  The way things are set up right now, probably not since we travel one of the shortest distances, and only go over on Christmas eve.  By then the rest of the family would have already taken a room.  It will be a hotel room next  year.
5. There were some major tension between my 2 SILs and my MIL this year.  We were supposed to wait till Christmas Day to open gifts as one of my BILs would not be home until Christmas Day.  However one of my SILs had told her girls (ages 4 & 9) that they could open some on Christmas Eve.  Her family was supposed to stay at a hotel on Christmas Eve and I think they were supposed to open some gifts then.  But because of the snowstorm, she cancelled their room and stayed at the house. Because she had promised her girls they could open presents but now was forced to wait, her, my other SIL and MIL had sort of a fight.  This SIL stormed out of the house to cool off in the snow not once, but twice.  In the end, all the kids were allowed to open a few gifts, and waited till Christmas day to open the rest.
6. How does one handle gift opening when there are so many kids?  This year, one third of the living room was filled with gifts!  And this was the year of mostly gift cards for the adults!  The kids were allowed to open gifts first but it was total chaos!  Handing out gifts was one thing.  Kids were yelling "I want to open another".  Parents were trying their best to help kids open presents, and trying to keep track of what was from who at the same time.  Kids wanted to play with their toys as soon as they opened in.  Some wanted other kids' toys!  Of course all the "wonderful" and "green" plastic and cable ties made it really easy (not!)  Parents and grandparents were trying to take as many pictures of kids opening presents while all this is going on!  It was loud and chaotic!  I always dread this part of opening presents.
7. Late on Christmas eve, my 3 SILs put out presents from Santa for their kids.  I could not believe how many presents there were!  First there were stocking stuffers for each kid.  They each got 7 or 8 presents from Santa!  This did not even include the presents from their moms and dad, grandparents and great grandma yet.  One SIL was trying to arrange the presents from Santa so each kid looked like they got the same amount of presents so it "would be fair".  I grew up in a culture where Santa was not a big part of the Christmas tradition.  Christmas was about the birth of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.  So we never had gifts from Santa.  We only exchanged gifts between family members and some close friends.  I am OK with having gifts from Santa, but I think this has gotten out of hand.  I am planning to not make Santa a big deal with our future kids. I plan to emphasize that Christmas is about Jesus, though I have not quite figured out how to handle the story of Santa not being "real" yet.  I was planning on telling that Santa is part of the Christmas gift giving tradition, but that he is not real. However, I don't know how well that will work with having so many other nieces and nephews that believe in Santa.
8. In one of my past post, I mentioned my "wonderful" BIL who never stops asking why we don't have kids or has other similar annoying comments.  Well he did not disappoint at Christmas either.  I was playing with my 2-year-old niece when he mentioned another of one of the "when are you guys having kids" statements  (I don't really remember what his exact line was as I try to ignore it and tend to blow it off but then can't remember what he said later).  Then he says "Well you guys have more money then we do, that's for sure.  Yeah, you guys are DINKS - Double Income No Kids".  That really pissed me off!  Then I corrected him said actually I am not working.  "So you guys are SINKS - Single Income No Kids".  He was pretty proud of himself when he said that.  I think my lame comeback was "Whatever".   It just pisses me off that he would say stuff like that and here we are getting ready to spend thousands of dollars in treatments!  I told DH about it later, and he said that I should have come back with "Oh, and who's the one that just bought another house?" (my BIL and SIL just bought a house to fix up this year).  Wish I thought of that earlier!

Sorry that my Christmas rant has run so long.  I am sad that Christmas this year has turned out the way it did.  Christmas had always been my favorite time of the year but this year has changed it.  I think it is important to spend time with family but is it worth it when it makes you upset or unhappy?  Maybe in the future, we will just have to be the selfish, anti-social ones and just spend it the way we want to.  Even if it means being away from everyone?

Show and Tell: "Joseph's Lullaby" Video

It's time for Mel's weekly Show and Tell.  As we are only a little more than a week to Christmas, I'd like to share with you one of my favorite Christmas songs by Mercy Me.  It's called "Joseph's Lullaby" and the song is written from the perspective of Joseph.  Most often we think of Christmas of the birth of Jesus and of course that's the whole reason for the season.

But what makes this song so special is we seldom think about Joseph's perspective.  What was he feeling when baby Jesus was born?  What was going through his mind?  Can you imagine knowing that the baby is the Son of God?

This is such a beautiful song, and the images are touching.  It often makes me tear up when I hear the song, and view the video.  Especially special to me during my journey of TTC.



Merry Christmas to you all!  Please go check out the rest of the class at Mel's Show and Tell.

Last Happy Hour of the Year?

It's been a few days since my last post.  I have been trying not to think too much about TTC so have been trying to focus on other things.

I managed to get some more shopping done so I am about half done.  I also managed to finish putting up the ornaments on the Christmas tree last night.  I was going over DH's ornaments that he had collected over the years.  His aunt and grandma had handmade most of his and his siblings' Christmas since he was born, so it was fun to see some really old (and some not so pretty!) ornaments.  Some were falling apart but most were still in great condition.

Came across the "Our First Christmas Together" ornament that my MIL gave us.  It had our wedding date on it.  Made me kind of sad as I wonder when I would be able to have my first "Baby's First" ornament of my own.  What will the date be on it?  I'm hoping that we will have one next Christmas!  I hope that someone in our family will take the time to make or give ornaments for our future babies.  Oh heck, I can make our own I suppose.  It's more special if it's the kid's grandparents, uncles or aunts I think.

On Monday night, after a good day of shopping I called DH at work and told him I wanted to go out for dinner and have a strawberry margarita.  We went to Chili's for the 2-for-20 deal.  For $20 you get an appetizer, 2 entrees and a dessert to share.  It was great!  The best part was we were there early enough that it was still happy hour and I got 2 strawberry margaritas for the price of 1!  Since DH does not drink, this "party" was all about me!

This could be my last happy hour for a long time, that is if I do get pregnant "naturally" this month.  I told DH that I can't drink during all the Christmas festivities since I will be in my 2WW.  Can't drink for New Year's eve/day celebrations either since AF is suppose to arrive on New Year's day.  Unless I POAS, and I refuse to do that!

After so many BFNs, sometimes it just seems like such a waste to not be able to have a drink during the holidays since it'll probably be another BFN.  BFPs just seem so impossible after a while.  I actually snuck a couple sips of wine during Thanksgiving.  Well, maybe I will sneak another couple during Christmas?

So I had what was most probably the last happy hour of the year for me. Come to think of it, I should do more happy hours!

I shall now call them "Unhappy Happy Hours".  Sounds like something a drunk came up with!

A Happy End to the Year?

Today is CD2.  I marked my cycle days on my calendar for December.  This is a ritual I do every time AF comes.  New hopes for a new month, I suppose.  Seems like our lives have to be planned around our  TTC calendar.  At least we won't have to BD at my in-laws during Christmas this year.  We had to do that one year and it was not fun.  We had to be really quiet so we don't wake anyone up.  All the in-laws, nieces and nephews were crammed into one house.  There were 17 of us in the house!  No choice, we had to do it because it was during my O window.

If all goes well (or in this case, not so well) AF should come right around the 31st of December.  I guess I can look it at 2 ways:

1. If AF does not come, then we could possibly have a happy ending to 2009 with a BFP!
2. But if AF does come, then full steam forward to IVF in 2010.  Not the ending I would choose, but I am glad that DH and I are on the same page and are actually taking steps to making our dreams of a baby a reality.  Let's hope 2010 is our year.

Christmas is exactly 3 weeks away and I am so not prepared.  DH put up the Christmas tree and lights, but I have yet to put up any of the ornaments.  Not much decoration this year either.  At least we have the outside Christmas lights on.  I have only bought 2 Christmas gifts so far.  Oh man, I better off my butt and start getting some stuff done!

Oh! An update.  Found out tonight that DH will not be traveling to CA for work next week after all.  Guess none of his other co-workers can make it either.  So yippee!  DH will be here for my O window.

All I Want for Christmas is.... Not on the Black Friday Deals List

Yesterday was Black Friday, the busiest shopping day of the entire year for retailer. My DH, B and I stayed the heck as far away from the mall as possible!  We slept in, and spent most of the afternoon at the coffee shop surfing amazon.com, comparing prices of item, and planning our Christmas shopping for all the nephews, nieces, parents, grandma, etc.

So halfway through, B turns to me and say "So, what do you want for Christmas this year?"  Me: " I dunno.  I'll have to think about it...."

Really what I wanted to say was "A BABY! A BABY!  The same dang thing I wanted the last few years!"

Wouldn't it be great if I found out I was pregnant for Christmas?  What an awesome gift that would be!

Of course a baby is not something that you can find on the Black Friday circulars!  And it's not something you can put on your Christmas wish list when Grandma or MIL asks for one.  Sometimes I make up things just so that I have something to give them.  Things like CDs, or cookbooks, or a kitchen gadget, or gift cards for eating out.

All things that seem so selfish when the greatest desire in my heart is to have a baby.

Things I wish I could asked for: Maternity clothes, "What to Expect" books, pregnancy books, parenting books, anything related to pregnancy or parenting.

I have asked for Christmas wish lists from my SILs and friends with kids for suggestions for their kids this year.  And I wonder, when is my turn to be able to give them a list for my future kids?  How many years have I bought Christmas presents for everyone else's kids?  When is it my turn to be on the receiving end?

No, it's not about the money.  It's the time and effort put into getting thoughtful and wonderful presents for children I care about.  It's time for someone else to take the time and effort to do the same for my kids.

And if only we have a child/children there for that.

That's what I wish for Christmas.....