New Gig

I have a new gig.  I'm starting a new job the day after Labor Day.  Yup, I got the job!

As some of you may recall (it seems like a really long time ago!) I had applied for a job in June.  I had to rush to apply for the job because they were looking to hire "ASAP".  Then it took them forever to get back to me to schedule the interview.  It took over a month between the phone screening interview and the actual in person interview.  Then the timing for the interview and my IVF cycle was close.  I had my interview on July 14th, and my egg retrieval was on the 16th, and the day-3 transfer on the 19th.

Well, I was finally offered the position last week which I accepted.  I had to go through a background check and when that was cleared, I had to take a drug screening test on Monday.  Yesterday I was informed that everything was good to go.  I start on the day after Labor Day.

I'm excited that I got this position.  And I am very grateful.  By the time I actually start work, I would have been not working for 19 months.  That's a long time.  I am thankful that I am able to get a job so quickly, even though I wasn't trying too hard.  Actually I take that back.  When I was first contacted by a recruiter about this position, I was not too interested because I was still in the IVF/TTC mind set.  I wanted to continue to focus on just that.  But then when I found out more about this and talked to a friend that works there, I was really interested.  I mean I really wanted this job.  But at the same time, I was torn because I was worried about what if I get pregnant, which I REALLY want to be.  But what if I don't get pregnant, then what?

So I decided that if God opened this door for me, why should I ignore it?  I should at least apply for it, and if it is in His will for me to have this job, then I will get it.  I guess a job is in His plans right now.

Here's what I will miss when I start this new job.

• Being a "bum/lady of leisure" and just focusing on TTC.  This is great but in itself can be stressful because that is almost all I think about.  And with another 2 failed IVF cycles during my non-employed time, I am looking forward to something other than just TTC
• I will miss having the freedom to "do lunch" anytime with friends.
• Sleeping in (I'm such a night owl)
• Not having to worry about having to work the next day.
• Not having to commute to work

What I am not looking forward to

• Commuting to work.  It will be about a 22 mile drive one-way for me.  This will suck especially during the winter months.  The one good thing is Babe and I can carpool if we want to.  His work is somewhat on my way.
• 3 weeks of vacation a year.  When I left my last job, I had been there 5 years, and I had just increased my vacation days to 4 weeks.  I will miss that.
• Though I am excited about a new job, a new location, new projects and new people, it is also scary.  I had been so used to knowing the people so well, having such great colleagues, I am just hoping and praying that I continue to work with nice people.

What I look forward to with the new job

• The extra income!  It is nice to know that we will a little more breathing room when it comes to expenses.  We will be DINKs (double income no kids) again.  Though I'd rather have kids, anytime,  hands down.
• Being a "contributing" member of society again.  Well, not to say that anyone that stays home is not contributing, but for me, I quit my job to work on having a baby.  After more than a year of not working and still no baby, it feels like I have been spinning my wheels for a while.  That is so frustrating!
• Finally being able to shop for (work) clothes again without feeling guilty.  I have already done some shopping because I really need some work clothes.
• The company I will be working for is a very large and great company to work for.  I have been told it is really hard to get in.  And they have good benefits.  When I start, we will be switching our medical benefits to my insurance instead of Babe's.  The best part..... they have fertility coverage!  I'm not sure what the exact coverage is, but in the benefits overview I received, they have $10,000 just in fertility drugs!  I'm not sure if we will do another round of IVF, but it is good to know that there is an option for that.

So what does it mean for me in the TTC sense?  I don't really know yet.  All I know is that I going back to work for now.  I am not giving up on TTC altogether.  Lots, if not most, people do IVFs and work at the same time.  With fertility coverage, we have the option to try another round.  Or adopt.  Or whatever.  At least we will have some additional income to pursue whatever comes next.

August ICLW

Hello ICLWers!

It's already the 3rd day of ICLW and I am still slacking off on writing a post about it. Or commenting.  Thanks to all that have already visited here, and have left some comments.  I will get on it, I promise!

In a nutshell, Babe (DH) and I have been TTC for over 6 years.  We were first diagnosed as having "unexplained infertility" (I hate that word), with 4 IUIs and some surgeries thrown in for good measure.  We have done a total of 3 IVFs (one done overseas), with the last one just completed in July.  I got my period the night before my beta.   That really sucked.

Based on the last 2 IVFs, it was determined that we have egg quality issue.  Well, after TTC for 6 years and me just turning 37 in August, I suppose age is a factor.  Was egg quality an issue 3, 4 or 5 years ago when we first started trying?  I guess we'll never know.

For now, we are "taking a break" from TTC.  It's nice to be able to just not think about what cycle day it is, having to avoid alcohol, sushi or soft cheeses, taking prenatal vitamins, etc.  At least until we decide what's next.

So, that's me in a nutshell.  Looking forward to reading your stories.

Mini Vacation

Last weekend, Babe and I took a last minute "mini vacation" to Ely, MN, about a 4-hour drive from St. Paul.  Ely is a small town, but has a few interesting sites to visit.

Our first stop was the International Wolf Center.  I have always wanted to visit, so this was a real treat for me.  The center has a museum and a large viewing area of the wolves.  There were 4 wolves in the main area for viewing, but there were 2 others there were retired and in a separate enclosure.  We also got to see the "What's for Dinner" program, where we were able to watch the wolves feed.  The center only feed the wolves once a week because that's usually how often a wolf eats in the wild.

A few very interesting things I learned about the wolf:

• The wolves at the center had been "fixed".  This is due to the limited space the center has and are not able to accommodate wolf pups.  Also, fixed wolves show less aggression and makes them easier to handle.  They also do not want to to mix the different species of wolves.  Kind of sad in my mind, they're infertile and not by choice.  I guess no one is infertile by choice.
• Wolves only eat about once a week in the wild.  But they can eat up to 20%-25% of their body weight.  So if you weigh 100 lbs., you would eat about 80 quarter pounders at one time!
• At the center, out of the 4 wolves, one was female.  So by default, she was the alpha female.  However, at this time during the summer, surprisingly there was no alpha male.  The 3 males were in the process of feeling each other out, but not yet fighting to be the alpha male.  The wolves don't determine the alpha male during the summer because it takes too much effort to fight, and generates too much heat.  They wait until it gets cooler to do so.
• Wolves do not kill their food.  They attack them, take them down, and eat them while they are still alive.  Most of the prey die from shock.  Shocking, yes?
• Wolves eat every part of their prey - bones, skin, fur, etc.  The fur helps protect the wolves' digestive system from bone shards.  Wolves eat every part of their prey except the stomach.  Why?  Because the wolf's digestive system cannot handle vegetation, which is what their prey eats.  So they skip the stomach.
• Wolves hunt in packs, and also sometimes cooperate with other animals.  Wolves have been known to work with ravens when hunting.  Ravens would circle above flocks of prey indicating to the wolves where there is food, and when the wolves are done eating, they would leave some leftovers for the ravens.

I am fascinated by the wolves.  I'm not really sure what it is, but I think they are beautiful creatures.  Here are a few pictures I took.  There is also some webcams you can view on their website.

Laying on the greeting rock

Wolves playing

Watching us watch him

This one came right up to the front of the display windows

Feeding time: The 3 in front feasting on a deer, the one in the back eating a beaver

The next day, we visited the Soud.an Underground Mines in Tower, MN.  We wore hard hats and went half a mile down to the mines in a caged elevator.  We then took the rail car deeper across to the mines.  It was interesting to see how iron was mined before the mine was closed down in the 60's.  The guide actually turned off all the lights in the mine for a short time to demonstrate how dark it really got down there.  We literally could not see our hands in front of our faces, it was that dark!

The mine shaft where we took the elevator down to the mines

Arriving about half a mile down from the surface.

Our tour guide with part of our group

We also spent a little time shopping in town.   I found this sign at a little tourist shop.

It's a bear trap!

The Forgotten

I was on Faceb.ook tonight and saw this on my 10-year-old nephew's status:

"sadly, has no cousins..... :-( "

Sometimes I forget that we (Babe & I) are not the only ones affected by our infertility.

On my side of the family, there are the three of us siblings: My sister, my brother and I.  My sister has 3 kids (13, 10 and 6).  My brother is not married, and has no kids.  Me... well, you know the story.

My BIL (sister's hubby) has one sister.  She also is not married, and has no kids.

So that means not only do my nieces and nephew have no cousins, my sis and BIL have no nieces or nephews either.

My mom and dad have grandkids.

My brother has nieces and a nephew.

Babe and I have no kids (we're trying!!)

But my sis, BIL, and their family are affected by our infertility too.  I've never really put too much thought into this, but we forget that they do suffer a kind of loss too.  No wonder they are our biggest supporters!

Thanks, Sis and BIL!!  We love you and miss you guys!

A Letter to Family and Friends

I found this letter on a few of my blogger friends' websites.  I'd like to share this with you too.  I can relate to almost all that was written.  Hopefully it can help you understand me and others that have to travel the difficult road of infertility a little better.

A letter, by Jody Earle.

Dear Family and Friends,

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.

You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible is my pain. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms. I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I've lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless. My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.

Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.

You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too. I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger. Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility.

I need you to be a listener. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know you are available for me. It's difficult for me to expose my private thoughts if you are rushed or have a deadline for the end of our conversation. Please don't tell me of all the worse things that have happened to others or how easily someone else's infertility was solved. Every case is individual. Please don't just give advice; instead, guide me with your questions. Assure me that you respect my confidences, and then be certain that you deserve my trust. While listening try to maintain an open mind. I need you to be supportive. Understand that my decisions aren't made casually,I've agonized over them. Remind me that you respect these decisions even if you disagree with them, because you know they are made carefully. Don't ask me, "Are you sure?" Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal.

I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.

I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you.

I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations. Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out.

I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths. Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt. Don't tell me this is God's will. Don't ask me to justify my need to parent. Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options.

I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie" choices. My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope. Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time.

I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. I've been subjected to postcoital exams, semen collection in waiting room bathrooms, and tests in rooms next to labor rooms. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal.

Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.

Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding.

Jody Earle


(Article found here)

Post-Birthday Post

So yesterday, Sunday, was my 37th birthday. Yes, 37th.

Originally I was going to write a "woe-is-me-I-am-37-and-too-old-to-have-a-baby-and-I-don't-want-to-celebrate" post, but I was too lazy to write anything, and I guess the urge to do that has past.  So no woe-is-me birthday post I guess.

My birthday day was pretty uneventful.  The church conference all day Wednesday through Saturday pretty much pooped me out.  But I had a great time, and was pretty encouraged from it.  Babe and I slept in on Sunday and went to the later church service.  Then I was craving Chinese food, so we went to one of our favorite Chinese restaurants.  We came home, took a nap, and later went out and cashed in on my free birthday coffee from Caribou Coffee.   We skipped dinner and instead, went and bought ourselves a small strawberry shortcake for my birthday "cake".  We ended my day with a chick flick - we watched "The Ugly Truth" at home.

All in all, it was a nice, lazy, relaxing birthday.  I got multiple phone calls from my family, calling me up from Asia.  It was fun having my nieces and nephew sing me a birthday song.  Actually we woke me up in the morning!  I also spoke to my mom and dad, and my brother.  It was a pretty uneventful day, and one that I am grateful for.  I wasn't in that much of a mood to celebrate anyway.  But still it was nice.

So yes, I am 37.  I used to think I was still in my mid thirties, just a tad bit over the dreaded 35 where fertility starts declining.  Well, there's no denying it now.  I'm much more closer to 40 than 30, or even 35.  But that's life.  And that's my life.

It's all attitude isn't it?  It's deciding WHAT I'm going to do with my life, and HOW I'm doing to live it that matters now.

Yeah.... if only I'm as positive and I'd like to be.

Oh, and yes, I am still planning on a 200th post / 100th follower/ birthday giveaway.  I still have to decide what to give away.  I'll keep you posted!

Still, by Hillsongs

This weekend, I am attending the Holy Spirit Conference, an annual conference on the Holy Spirit organized by the Lutheran Renewal.  It runs all day (starting last night) with main sessions and workshops, and runs through Saturday night.  If you are interested in this, you can actually watch the main sessions live here. (click on "for conference details" to view detailed info on speakers and times).

During our praise and worship session this morning (which by the way is AWESOME!), we sang the song "Still" by Hillsongs.  That song has always had a special place in my heart, especially during my TTC journey.  But this morning, when we sang this, I was especially touched by it.  I couldn't help but sing it with tears running down my face.

It is another reminder to myself....... "I will be still and know you are God."



Here are the lyrics to the song.

Still

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

Envy, Also Known As the "Why Not Me?" Post

Envy.

It's a sneaky little monster that sneaks up on you when you are least expecting it.  Even when you know it's there, it still surprises you when it shows it face.

(Image from here)

It's been almost a week since my BFN, and this sneaky little bugger has been popping up a lot.

I have been finding at least a few bloggers that have received wonderful news that they got a BFP.  That is great news for them, but why not me?

Reading some of your once-TTC-but-now-pregnant blogs has been difficult.  Seeing pictures of beautiful baby bellies, ultrasound pictures, hearing heartbeats, rising beta numbers, nursery pictures.  All wonderful things, things that I had hoped that I would be experiencing soon.  But not so.  Why not me?

Even reading posts about people currently going through IVF has not been easy.  Why are some people able to produce good number of eggs, eggs that fertilize, continue to grow into beautiful blastocysts and able to transfer good looking embryos?  Some even have extra embryos to freeze.  But no, not me.

Two nights ago, a good friend of mine, a high school friend, had to break the news to me that she is pregnant.  Somehow, I knew that was coming.  And to be very honest, I am very happy for her.  Like REALLY happy for her.

She had endured infertility for a few years, and had a miscarriage once too.  She was really in the depths of depression and could not afford fertility treatments.  But after lots of praying and trying, she was able to conceive naturally.  Her son is now 1 1/2 years old.  This time, her pregnancy was unplanned.  She was really hoping that I would be pregnant from this last IVF, so we could be pregnant together.  She held off on telling me until she found out it didn't work.  She was so sad for me, and was afraid to tell me that she is pregnant.  She was afraid it would hurt my feelings.

That is one of the sad thing about us infertiles.  At least in my experience, I want people to be sensitive to my infertility, but yet, I don't want people to treat me any differently.  I don't want people to be walking on egg shells around me all the time.  I want my friend to be able to share her good news with me without feeling guilty or afraid of hurting my feelings.  But yet, I expect people to be sensitive with news like that around me.  Makes me feel like someone with schizophrenia!  It saddens me that my friends have to be so careful around me.

Anyway, I am really happy for my friend that she is pregnant.  I'm not saying it is easy for me, but it really is good news.

At first when I was writing this post, I couldn't decide whether what I am feeling is envy or is it jealousy.  So I looked up the dictionary (Oxford American dictionary).

Envy: a feeling of discontent or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities or luck.

Jealous: feeling or showing of envy of someone or their achievements and advantages

Envious implies wanting something that belongs to another, and to which one has no particular right or claim.

Jealous may refer to a strong feeling of envy.

I think Envy is more in line with what I am feeling - wanting something that belongs to another, one that I have no right or claim to.   But jealousy would probably apply too.

"Waiting" Video, by John Waller

First of all, thank you to those who commented on my "Waiting" post.

We all know how hard waiting is, whether it's waiting for a much wanted pregnancy, a baby, a husband, a job or whatever else we may be desiring.  When I posted the verses, "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.  Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD", I hope you know that I am not that strong or confident or patient.  I can only try and hope, and pray to be.

Already I do not feel that strong nor confident.  Already I am impatient.  I am ready to give up on waiting.

But I will continue to hold on to the verse.  It helps to remind myself where I need to be, and not where I am right now.

A couple of people commented on my post about the song "Waiting" by John Waller.  It's funny because I have heard the song many times on our local Christian station, and in fact, thought about the song and the words right after I posted.  So since more than one person mentioned the song, I am sharing this with you.  I actually found a special version dedicated to all couples waiting for that precious gift of life.



I can only pray that I will be hopeful, bold, confident and faithful while I wait.

While I'm Waiting
I'm waiting 
I'm waiting on You, Lord 
And I am hopeful 
I'm waiting on You, Lord 
Though it is painful 
But patiently, I will wait 

I will move ahead, bold and confident 
Taking every step in obedience 
While I'm waiting 
I will serve You 
While I'm waiting 
I will worship 
While I'm waiting 
I will not faint 
I'll be running the race 
Even while I wait 

I'm waiting 
I'm waiting on You, Lord 
And I am peaceful 
I'm waiting on You, Lord 
Though it's not easy 
But faithfully, I will wait 
Yes, I will wait 
I will serve You while I'm waiting 
I will worship while I'm waiting 
I will serve You while I'm waiting 
I will worship while I'm waiting 
I will serve you while I'm waiting 
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

I Did It

I did it, something I didn't do because I didn't want to "jinx" it.  Well, it didn't matter.  Last night, I calculated my could-have-been due dates.

If Icsi or  Dicsi had stuck around, I would have been due with a singleton on April 8th, 2011.

If Icis and Dicsi had stuck around, I would have been due with twins on March 17, 2011.

I'm not really sure why I'm looking at due dates now.  Curiosity I guess.

If you are interested in IVF pregnancy due date calculators, check out this site.

Waiting

I am not sure what God's plan is for me in my life.  But I know that He has one, and it is good, a plan to prosper me, and not do me harm.  A plan for hope and a future (from Jeremiah 29:11).

I have been, and am still holding on to this promise.  It's not easy because I don't know what it is, and I want to know.  For now, I know that my plan is not the same as His, and that sucks.  But, I have to trust that He knows what He's doing.  Only He knows what he has planned for me.

When I was putting together the bible verses booklet for Jack and Ellie, I gave them this bible passage to encourage them.  Now I am also claiming this for myself.

Psalm 27: 13-14

13 I am still confident of this:

       I will see the goodness of the LORD

       In the land of the living.

14 Wait for the LORD;

      be strong and take heart

      and wait for the LORD.

I am claiming this for myself: I will see God's goodness in this my life.  I will continue to wait on Him, to be strong, and to take heart.  I will not quit.  And I will continue to wait and trust Him.

I know God is up to something.  He has something planned for my life.  I just need the peace and patience to wait on Him.

A Comfortable Place?

This BFN sucks.

I hate that we are at the end of this road, that the road does not continue for another 9 months.  I hate that all the hope we put into this cycle (and the last), ended with nothing.  I hate that I can't join my SIL, other bloggers, and other "normal" people in the world in the pregnancy/motherhood club.  I hate the thought that Babe and I may never have biological children.  I hate that we don't know what our next steps are.  Me being me, I just want to start planning for the next steps, and jump right in.  It does not help that my 37th birthday is looming, coming up this weekend.

On the other hand, I am in a weird position.  I am glad that I am currently not in TTC mode, though honestly I always am.  It's nice to be in a position to not have to think and worry if this cycle is going to work, or what if it doesn't.  Because I already know it didn't.  It's refreshing to not have to think about what CD I'm in, when the next ovulation window is, etc.  I am finally able to enjoy my sushi, white mochas, alcoholic cocktails (though I rarely drink), soft cheese, dairy, etc without worrying it's going to affect my cycle.

Having been TTC for 6 years, NOT being pregnant seems, though I hate to say it, normal.  It's a familiar feeling.  Dare I say a comfortable place?

Sometimes it feels good, because it's comfortable and familiar.  But it's not a place I want to be in.  It's like an old friend, that just won't go away.

After 6 years, we need a change.  The question is, what kind of change?