Friday, September 27, 2013

Why Does This Have To Be So Hard?

** Please be forewarned:  Whiny, downer of a post ahead **

Why does this have to be so hard?

It shouldn't be so hard to build a family.

Yes, I have gone through lots to get to where I am today.  Months of medications.  Multiple surgeries (plus another coming).  Multiple IUIs.  Multiple IVFs.  Adoption homestudies.  Still more waiting.

It should get easier after this right?  Umm.... no, not really.  If you have gone through the infertility journey, you know it's not as simple as just getting to a positive pregnancy test.

In my case, I have to get to my embryo transfer first.  Hopefully in November.

After the embryo transfer, there is the wait for the pregnancy test, a.k.a the dreaded 2 week wait.  You pray for a positive result with a good number.

I'm sad because at least one embryo adoption mama is not pregnant this week.

Ok, so yay, you have a positive pregnancy test!  But then you wait for your hCG numbers to double everyday.  If your numbers don't double as expected, chances are you are miscarrying.  That's a scary place to be.

OK, your numbers are coming back great.  You experience cramping.  Or spotting.  Or even bleeding.  Is this normal?  Should you be concerned?  So many of these are normal in pregnancies, but it can also mean you are miscarrying.  It seems like you can never be sure, always second guessing if you are losing your baby.

Then comes the wait for your next milestone, the appointment to see your baby's heartbeat.  This can also be a scary time for many.  Most people have wonderful appointments and get to see their healthy babies.  But sometimes the doctors don't see a heartbeat.  Or there is an empty gestational sac, which means there is no baby.

I'm so sad because my high school friend J. just found out today that she has an empty gestational sac.  She is devastated.  She struggled for years before getting pregnant with her first, and now just found out she has no baby after all, after being excited about expecting a second baby.

Most people go through life with healthy, happy pregnancies.  But for many of us that have struggled to get pregnant, and to stay pregnant, it can be a very stressful time.  We never know what the next day may bring.  We pray that we will make it to the next milestone, but also expecting the worst to happen.  We know that a pregnancy is beautiful, but it can also end at any time.  And usually we have no control whatsoever over it.

We feel disconnected, not wanting to get too excited or attached.... just in case it doesn't work out.  This is especially true for those that have experienced multiple losses.

Maybe because we infertiles seek out other infertiles.  We see success stories, but we also see a lot of failures.  Of losses.  We know what can go wrong.  We see and feel the pain that others go through, and we grieve with them.  Even though we may not have gone through the same things, we know it can happen to us.  Though we pray that it doesn't.  But we know it can.

Though I hate the fact that I have never gotten pregnant before in my life, ever; I am grateful that I have not experienced a loss.  But I am also aware that this is a real possibility for me.  I have friends and family member that have experienced losses.  Even my mom lost a baby girl when she was 8 months pregnant.

So when people ask me if I'm excited about my transfer, that there is hope that I may get pregnant, I can't gleefully say "yes!".

Because truthfully, it's pretty scary.  I'm afraid that I might not get pregnant.  And I'm afraid I might..... and have to face all the things that could possibly go wrong.

It sucks that this has to be so difficult.  Sometimes I wish that I was a "normal fertile" person.  One that can just enjoy the excitement of "trying", dreaming of being pregnant and bringing a healthy baby home.  One ignorant of the world of infertility.

As I'm writing this, I'm reminded of the conversation with my friend K who is finally pregnant after 6 losses.   It was fairly early in her pregnancy and she was being cautiously optimistic but not quite yet super excited about her pregnancy.  She was afraid that she would miscarry, expecting it even.  She'd lost all the other pregnancies before, why not this one?  She didn't want to get excited about it, or get attached to this baby.

I reminded K that there really is nothing that she could do, or not do, to cause or prevent a miscarriage.  If it were to happen, it would happen no matter what.  Instead, though difficult, she should enjoy her pregnancy.  She was a mama NOW.  She should savor the time she has with her baby now, even if it is just for a short period of time.  We don't know why God allowed her to get pregnant but then took those babies home early.  Or if God will take this one too.  But He has blest her with this baby now and should savor the time she has with it.

So, I am reminded that I should take my own advice and trust that God has a plan for me.  Whatever He brings..... pregnant or not, miscarry or not, I should enjoy each step that I take.  I need to remind myself to trust in Him because He has a plan for me.  And the plan is good.

He never said it would be easy.  But He did say He will be with me every step of the way.


  1. I've been struggling with the fear of what could go wrong this week. Your advice to your friend K is exactly what I need - savour the time I have while I have it. Thank you and good luck for November.

  2. It is scary to be pregnant after infertility and loss. After our stillbirth I always had many control checks (after the 23rd week). It helped me to calm down. Good luck with your transfer to come!

  3. It's all so scary. Infertility really does rob us of the blissful experience that most women do experience with pregnancy. DH and I were talking about it, and there will always be a new milestone to worry about. We've learned the hard way twice now that just because you get a BFP, it does not guarantee you a take-home baby, let alone a heartbeat. It's just one challenge past another. Where does it end? The more I think about it, I don't know that it does. Even after I have a baby in my arms, I'll be worried that he/she is not sick. Or that he/she does not pass away from SIDS. I think it's normal to worry as a mother, but I think infertility really plays an extra special tricks on those of us who have been unlucky enough to go through it. You're not along in these worries, and I've seen many women worry like this and go on to have beautiful families. Sending you lots of hugs and love from Texas - you aren't alone!

  4. you are totally right. It is all so scary. Prayers ascending for you and for all of us who experiences losses or never manage to get pregnant. You are not alone.

  5. Thinking of you! Sending prayers. I'm so glad I found your blog. Hugs.