From The Sidelines

It was a week ago today that I found out my transfer last weekend would be cancelled.  That day and the next few days after was a disappointing and discouraging time for me.  I posted about my cancellation on here, and also in the embryo adoption Face.book group and received a lot of "I'm sorry"s and how it is better to catch the polyp now and have it taken care of before the transfer.

I really appreciate getting all the support and comments on FB as well as on here.  But it still stung.  I didn't want to hear the sorries or "at least" comments.  I wanted to be in TN, having my transfer, and getting my babies in my womb so I could be home with them.  I wanted to be home thinking about if I should POAS (pee on a stick), or if the cramp I was having was a baby trying to implant.  Or if my spotting was normal.

I'm sorry if this sounds like I am ungrateful for all the support and comments.  I truly am grateful.  But I also don't want to be going through this, waiting again.  Trying to figure out when my transfer is going to be.  Trying to figure out details of my surgery.  Looking at flights and hotels again.  Looking at the calendar for the next 2 months again.

It feels kinda like getting a negative beta test.  I guess I am going through a kind of grieving, grieving what could have been.  Should have been.  But also knowing there is a next step.  That this is not the end.

This past week have felt like I am sitting on the sidelines, watching people pass me by.

I watched on as a few other embryo adoption mamas were at NEDC having their transfers.

I watched on as embryo adoption mamas celebrated "Breakout Day" or "Defrost Day", days where their babies were defrosted transferred into their mamas waiting wombs.

I watched as others talked about their PIO shots.  I am grateful I didn't start my PIO shots yet when my transfer was cancelled.

I watched as others peed on a stick (POAS).  Please pray for those still waiting for their betas, and one EA momma that had a negative beta.

And I also watched as an EA momma miscarried on FB.  Please pray for her.


Even though I am not happy to be where I am, having to wait again, I am truly am grateful that we caught the polyp  now before the transfer.  It's just the getting to my November transfer part that will be the challenge for me now.

When my transfer was cancelled, I let Debbie our NEDC counselor know about it and requested she let the donor families know.  Debbie passed on a couple of emails from both our donor moms with notes of encouragement, and that they were praying for us, my surgery and our future transfer.

It is a wonderful feeling knowing that your donor families are praying for you.  Sometimes it is hard to remember that they may be just as excited for me to have a successful pregnancy as we are.