Wednesday, September 25, 2013

From The Sidelines

It was a week ago today that I found out my transfer last weekend would be cancelled.  That day and the next few days after was a disappointing and discouraging time for me.  I posted about my cancellation on here, and also in the embryo adoption group and received a lot of "I'm sorry"s and how it is better to catch the polyp now and have it taken care of before the transfer.

I really appreciate getting all the support and comments on FB as well as on here.  But it still stung.  I didn't want to hear the sorries or "at least" comments.  I wanted to be in TN, having my transfer, and getting my babies in my womb so I could be home with them.  I wanted to be home thinking about if I should POAS (pee on a stick), or if the cramp I was having was a baby trying to implant.  Or if my spotting was normal.

I'm sorry if this sounds like I am ungrateful for all the support and comments.  I truly am grateful.  But I also don't want to be going through this, waiting again.  Trying to figure out when my transfer is going to be.  Trying to figure out details of my surgery.  Looking at flights and hotels again.  Looking at the calendar for the next 2 months again.

It feels kinda like getting a negative beta test.  I guess I am going through a kind of grieving, grieving what could have been.  Should have been.  But also knowing there is a next step.  That this is not the end.

This past week have felt like I am sitting on the sidelines, watching people pass me by.

I watched on as a few other embryo adoption mamas were at NEDC having their transfers.

I watched on as embryo adoption mamas celebrated "Breakout Day" or "Defrost Day", days where their babies were defrosted transferred into their mamas waiting wombs.

I watched as others talked about their PIO shots.  I am grateful I didn't start my PIO shots yet when my transfer was cancelled.

I watched as others peed on a stick (POAS).  Please pray for those still waiting for their betas, and one EA momma that had a negative beta.

And I also watched as an EA momma miscarried on FB.  Please pray for her.

Even though I am not happy to be where I am, having to wait again, I am truly am grateful that we caught the polyp  now before the transfer.  It's just the getting to my November transfer part that will be the challenge for me now.

When my transfer was cancelled, I let Debbie our NEDC counselor know about it and requested she let the donor families know.  Debbie passed on a couple of emails from both our donor moms with notes of encouragement, and that they were praying for us, my surgery and our future transfer.

It is a wonderful feeling knowing that your donor families are praying for you.  Sometimes it is hard to remember that they may be just as excited for me to have a successful pregnancy as we are.


  1. Sometimes you just want someone to say. Yes. It sucks.
    Because I know it does. I am thinking about you!

  2. It really does suck! I was set to transfer in September of 2010 when Dr. Keenan became concerned that I might have a unicornate (deformed) uterus. He said if I did have it I would be disqualified from the NEDC and sent me back to my RE for an HSG (ouch!).Thankfully I'm not "deformed" on top of all my problems but I spent September watching several others cycle without me. The extra waiting sucks, the additional problems suck, the extra expense sucks, others cycling without you sucks. It's okay to feel crappy about it!

  3. (((((hugs))))) grieving is so unique to each situation.... :( and sometimes, being able to "focus on the positive" and count the things you are grateful for just doesn't make up for the loss that you grieve.

    i'm so sorry you are facing this. and i am praying fervently for the coming transfer as well as for your heart as you go through all that is sitting on your plate right now.... and i'm adding the mommas you mentioned to my prayer list too. they must be so devastated. :(

  4. I wish I had the right words to help but I know there aren't really any!! I am thinking of you!!

  5. Hi from ICLW. I too am doing donor embryo adoption. I'll be doing my transfer in mid December if the 5 cm ovarian cyst I have right now is gone soon. Delay really suck and I'm so sorry that you have a polyp causing your delay. Hoping that you get a take home baby next year. Would you be able to give me the name of that facebook support group so that I might join it?

  6. Love that your donor is praying for you - too sweet

  7. I think your feelings are completely understandable. There really aren't words that can make it okay. But we're all abiding with you.

  8. I don't think you sound ungrateful. It's just absolutely awful watching others have the milestones that you know should be yours too, but aren't. :( I totally get it. Big hugs to you.

  9. If I were in you shoes, I would feel the same way. It is hard, I'm sure. Hopefully, October will fly by and transfer will be here before you know it! And then the even harder wait will begin! For my transfer with our twins in November 2010, the nedc was closed obviously for Thanksgiving and Black Friday so I had to wait until the following Monday for my beta! Such a long wait-13dp5dt. Oh all certainly worked out! :)

  10. Hi from matter what getting canceled or postponed hurts even if its for the best. I have had many postponements with IF treatments and it always sucks cause your ready!!!

  11. It’s normal to have all mixed up feelings. Feelings are not mutually exclusive! You can feel grateful for the encouragement AND stung by it at the same time. It’s ok! I remember feeling the way you’re feeling after our failed adoption (when the birth parents changed their minds after two days of loving on the baby girl that I thought would be mine). I was grateful for the supportive comments from people saying, “The baby was not the one meant for you. God has another plan.” BUT, at the time, I wanted THAT baby! Everyone’s comments were well meaning, but probably my favorite was from a friend who simply wrote, “F’ing A!” So, for you, I will say: F’ing A, this sucks! (But it will get better.)

  12. I hesitated posting, because I am one of the peeps you were to be at the NEDC with. You are dealing with all of this quite normally I say. The fact that you are still rallying around me and the others is amazing. I know when I miscarried and others went on to have their pregnancies, I would be elated for them, but had to stand back a bit too because it is hard. I am excited to see what Nov brings you. I have already begun praying for your body to be ready for your little ones. Know I am thinking of you lots and lots!