Beta Result

Got the call from our RE this afternoon.  Our result..... NEGATIVE of course.  That is what I expected, so no surprise there.

I was at work when she called, but I had a few minutes to talk with her.  I thought I was handling our conversation fine, but she was just being so nice that I couldn't help but start falling apart.  She said we had gone through so much already with doing 3 IVF cycles with her.  We've been on this journey so long, and we did everything right.  I have a good functioning uterus, I ovulate regularly, my body responded well to the IVF meds, etc.  But when it comes to egg quality, there just really isn't much that we can do about it.

The RE suggested we consider egg donation.  She had suggested we think about it during our conference with her earlier on this cycle too.  She wants me to come in and do a conference with her and discuss that option and give me more detailed information.  I don't know.  I think Babe and I have to make that decision on our own.  She also suggested we meet up with her counselor to help us work through our next steps, and if donor egg is an option for us.

You know, I never considered donor egg as an option for us.  I always just thought that our kids would either have both of our DNAs, or neither.  However, now I think that's not fair to Babe.  If it were the other way around, and we had male fertility issues instead of egg quality issue, I'd probably still want my DNA in our children.  I think once you've gotten this far in your journey in trying to build your family, you start becoming open to other options.  A few years ago, I thought I'd never do IVF.  But look at us now.

I'm sorely disappointed that we are not pregnant, but I'm also not devastated.  As I was driving home from work today, I realized Babe and I have not been happy in the last few years.  Sure we've had some happy moments, and did some really fun stuff like traveling.  But we have not been truly happy for a long time.  It's hard when something important is missing from your life, and most people around you just don't understand.  People are sympathetic, and try to be supportive, but unless you have or are going through infertility, you just don't understand.

We have to view our future differently now.  Now that traditional IVF is no longer an option for us, our future is not so "bright" anymore.  That same hope is no longer there.  But it is a different kind of hope, though I am not sure yet what it is.  One thing I do know and still believe in is that God has a plan for us, and that all things work for good, and according to his purpose.  We just got to figure out what His plan is.

Beta

My beta is in 7 hours.... at 8 am.

How am I feeling about it?  Honestly, I'm not optimistic.

A couple of nights ago, Babe asked me if I am going to take a HPT (home pregnancy test).  Surprisingly, it never even occurred to me to take one.  This whole time (OK, it's only been a little over a week since my transfer) I never even thought too much about the beta or considered taking an HPT.  I have just been so busy at work.  I asked Babe if I should take one, but he didn't know.  Neither did I.  Still don't.

Well, I just checked my HPT test that has been laying in the back of my linen closet.  It expires in December 2011.  There's 2 in the box.  It's probably going to waste.  Since we started fertility treatments a while back, I've only taken a HPT once or twice.  Never needed to.  My period always came.  I think the last time I got my period the morning of my beta, even while on progesterone.

I think my HPT is going to waste.  Still can't bring myself to take it.  Like Babe said earlier tonight, if we don't take it, we have at least one more night of hope.

Hope.  I'm really not that hopeful.  Though I am hoping I will be surprised when the nurse or RE calls with the results in the afternoon.

Free from Bedrest

In about an hour, I will be done with my 48 hours of bedrest after transfer.  Though it's been pretty tough to stay laying down most of the time, I'm glad I was able to just slack off, take long naps, sleep late and just lay around watching TV and movies.  One movie that I did watch that I really enjoyed was "The Switch" starring Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman.  Not that I'm a huge fan of Aniston but in the spirit of "having a baby"  I thought it would be fun to watch it.  And it was a great movie, I really enjoyed it.  Of course, not really realistic, but pretty funny and sweet.



In a couple of hours, I will be going back to work.  It will be interesting since I've been off work for 5.5 days (Sat - Thurs PM).  I was supposed to have my transfer on Monday, was going to "try to work from home" on Wednesday.  Since out transfer got postponed to Tuesday, and I had to be on bedrest for 48 hours, I can't go back to work until later this afternoon.  It will be interesting.  We are so swamped right now, and I am so behind.  I was going to try to work from home yesterday and this morning, but decided to screw it.  In the bigger picture, it's just work.  Who cares.  My personal life is much more important right now.  I will deal with the consequences of work later.

ONE

One. That's how many we had to transfer this morning.

When Dr. K (one of our RE's partners) came in and we saw he had a photo of one embryo, we knew we weren't going to have good news.  He went over our embryology report with us, and pretty much all the other embryos had stopped growing except for one.  It was at a morula stage, which means it was at a day 4 stage (today is day 6), it was not even at a blastocyst stage yet.  I asked the doc what our chances are with this one embryo, and he said "not good".  I wonder if it will continue to grow.


The transfer went well without incident.  I did fairly well of not filling my bladder too full, but yet enough I didn't need a catheter put it.  Babe and I were able to view the entire process on the ultrasound monitor.  Dr. K pretty much walked us through the whole process.  He did a trial transfer first, to make sure there were no issues with access.  Pretty neat to be able to see the catheter enter into the uterus via the cervix, release the embryo, and then back out.  The embryology tech also checked the catheter under the microscope after to make sure there was nothing left in the catheter after.  They took an ultrasound picture of the process, but I'll have to post it later when I get Babe to scan it.  


After the procedure, I had to lay on the table for 10 minutes before allowing to get up and use the bathroom.  Then I rested in the recovery room for another 30 minutes before we were allowed to go home. On the way home, we stopped by and did some Chinese take-out.  Got home, had lunch, and took a nap.  I wasn't really planning on napping, but I think the "happy pill" totally relaxed me and made me sleepy.  I got up at 5:30 pm, and the day's almost over.


So, that's where we are.  Transferred one not-great quality embryo.  No twins, nothing to freeze.  We didn't get  a chance to decide how many we wanted to transfer either.

This is not what we had hoped for considering our numbers - 12 retrieved, 8 matured, 7 fertilized, 5 embryos still going yesterday, and today, only one left.  But it is what it is.  I'm trying to remain hopeful,  but to be honest, it's getting pretty difficult.

 Beta is on 7/13.

We are now praying for a miracle.

Here We Go

No call from the clinic this morning, that means it's a go.  It's 10:30 right now, just took my "happy pill" (va.lium).  Let the filling of the bladder begin.

Here we go!  More with an update later.....