IVF, Here We Come

AF arrived today.  She's actually on time.

I had been having slight cramping all day yesterday which I was trying to ignore as much as possible.  Last night, I noticed an itsy bitsy tiny bit of pink spotting when wiping, but again, tried to ignore it.  Some people experience spotting when AF is due, but still get pregnant.  But when I was in the shower last night, I lost it.  I was upset that AF was actually going to be here.  Again.

I was expecting her.  I knew she would be here, it was just a matter of whether she would be on time.  And yet, I was quite surprised at how emotional and sad I was that she was going show up again!

I don't know about you, but I do a lot of my thinking and crying in the shower.  Somehow it's easier to cry.  Maybe it's the sound of the water and the bathroom fan muffling my sobs (I don't like my Babe to see me cry).  Or the hot water washing down my face and body, comforting me while I cry.  Or that fact that I don't need to tissue to blow the snot out of my nose.  I know, that's gross.  More importantly I think the shower allows me to "cleanse" myself, to wash away all my icky burdens, sadness and grief, and watch them all go down the drain.  It always makes me feel better after a shower.  That's why, I always cry in the shower, or at least take a shower after I cry.

I guess I was in denial.  I was hoping I could be one of those lucky people I read about when googling "early pregnancy symptoms" where they were having cramps and were 100% sure their periods were here, but were surprised when it never did show.  Why couldn't I be one of those people.  To be honest, I go through this every month, hoping that the cramps are nothing, but deep down I know that AF is sure to show up.

After my shower, I decided to wear a pad to bed.  No point being in denial.  It was a good thing because AF showed up in full force during the night.

Remember the whole bo.obs discussion I had a few days ago?  Well now I just feel silly.

Today's CD1.  I'll call the clinic tomorrow to schedule my blood work and ultrasound.

IVF, here we come..........

The Truth Is In the Mirror

There's no denying it, I'm getting old.  The truth is staring right back at me in the mirror!

I have long, naturally straight black hair.  It is as straight and as black and it gets.  This time last year, I had two, count it, two gray hairs on the front of my head, right where my bangs would be, except I don't have any bangs.  Very obvious.  Eh, no big deal.  So what's couple right?  It has never bothered me before.

These last few days I've noticed a few more.  So I recruited my Babe to help me count the number of gray hairs I have now.

I have at least 15!  Probably more.  Ok that's a big deal!  Where did they come from?  How did so many appear in a year?

When you have black hair, grays really stands out.  You just can't help but notice it.  I never thought I'd have gray hair before having a child!  How obnoxious is that?  I guess when you are infertile, aging is even more depressing.

Tick tock, tick tock......

My maternal grandmother had 10 kids.  I found out from my mom last night that Grandma had her first child when she was 21 and her youngest at 42.  My oldest cousin and my youngest uncle were fairly close in age, maybe a couple of years apart.  They grew up playing together.  Can you imagine babysitting both your son and your grandson at the same time?

I suppose if Grandma had her last kid at 42, there must be some hope for me, right?  I mean, come on, I am only 36.........

But then again, Grandma was Fertile Myrtle.  She had 10 kids in 21 years, so that's about one kid every other year or so?

I wonder if Grandma had gray hair when she was pregnant?

*Update* ~ I got the green light from the Babe to "do something" about the grays.  I'm usually too cheap to spend the money on coloring or highlights.  What looks good on black hair?   Hmmm.... highlights maybe?

Show and Tell: Momsense + Bonus

I always look forward to Wednesdays because it means it's time for Mel's weekly Show and Tell.

I am a big fan of You.Tube.  It's amazing the things you can find there.  This week I am sharing a video most famously called "Momsense", or some people know it as "William Tell Momisms", by comedian Anita Renfroe.  This has been floating around for a while, so I expect that some of you have already seen this.  If you have not, you are totally missing out!  If you have, eh..... so watch it again!

So here it is.  It doesn't matter if you are already a mom, or hoping to be one, you will definitely enjoy this!


And as a bonus, I've included a second video called "Dadsense", a response to "Momsense" I guess.  This is what a dad would say in a 24 hour period.  Enjoy!


Now, please go check out what the rest of the class is showing.  Then join us, and do some showing and telling of your own.

Must Be My Imagination

**Warning: Boo.bs and breasts discussion ahead**

The last couple of days, I have noticed that my boo.bs seem to be slightly, how shall I describe it .... fuller?

First of all, I have small boo.bs.  I'm an A-cup, and if I'm lucky or depending on the brand of the bra, possibly a B-cup.  But the last few days, I thought, hmmm.... something feels different.  I feel like my boo.bs have gotten slightly bigger.  Must be my imagination.

It feels a lot like when I was on Follis.tim (follicle stimulating hormones), which one side effect for me was increased breast size (Woo hoo! I am actually looking forward to injectables!).  OK, so it's not quite like that, but similar.

Then I thought, maybe it's PMS?  I am on CD24.  But I never have any symptoms like this during PMS.  In fact I rarely have any PMS symptoms at all.

I also notice that my breast seemed denser, almost lumpy.  Oh no, breast cancer??  But then I think not, since I did a self breast exam, and both breasts feel similar.  I don't think it would feel the same on both sides if it were abnormal breast lumps.  I've heard sore or tender breasts could be a sign of pregnancy.  But denser or lumpy breasts?  I doubt it.  It's highly unlike I could be pregnant anyway.  Not this month.

Must be my imagination.

I am due for an annual exam, so I should just have the "girls" checked out.

p/s It feels really weird talking about my "girls" on here!

"Have You Thought About Adoption?"

While checking in at the bible study registration table tonight, I ran into a lady I met three years ago at the new membership class at our church.  We had talked for a bit then and somehow discussed my TTC issues.  She had trouble conceiving 30 some years ago, and went through some treatment, but had miraculously conceived 2 daughters naturally.  So she told me not to give up hope, keep persevering and keep praying.

Tonight, she remembered our conversation and asked if things have changed for me since we last talked.  I said no and that we are now pursuing IVF.  "Have you thought about adoption?  You know, with what's happening in Haiti, there are lots of babies that need homes.  That might be an option for you".  I politely said yes we have considered it, but no, we just feel we are not quite ready for it.

This lady is really sweet and I know she means well.  But I wish people wouldn't think that adoption is an easy answer to our TTC issues.  Of course we have considered adoption.  We attended two different informational meetings at two separate agencies.  We even put in an application and paid the application fee for one.  I was excited when we received the adoption packages thinking that we are finally starting our family.  But then, we realized we weren't ready.  I felt torn between excitement of having a child, and sadness of giving up hopes of having our own biological child.

Some people think just adopt and you will get pregnant.  So and so did it and now they have a baby on the way.  That is just such a stupid thing to say!  Even if that happens, that is the exception, not the norm.  I personally know of someone that this happened to.  They TTC for 8 years and 3 months after they brought their son home from Ethiopia, she found out she was pregnant.  So I know it happens, but that is not the norm.

I've had others that suggested since we want to be parents, we can start the adoption process.  In the mean time, we can still try to get pregnant.  Though this is true, many that have not gone through the heartache of trying for their own babies or losing them may not understand the emotions that it involves.  You can't just "settle" for something in the hopes that something better comes along.  I think it is wrong and unfair to the adopted child.  You need to stop fertility treatments.  You need to be willing the give up the hopes of having your own biological child.  You need to grieve this loss and have peace about it.  You need to really want this adopted child more than anything in the world, just like you would your own biological child.  You need to be ready.  You need to be adopting for the right reasons.  And if you actually get pregnant after you adopt, then it is a wonderful blessing.

Adoption is an expensive process, and it is a long and tiring.  It is an intrusive process, with all kinds of people and agencies getting involved in your lives, and for many years too.  Your personal life is no longer personal.  You have to be ready to accept this and not resent the adoption process.

I know there are some of you reading this that are pursuing adoption, and I am truly excited for you.  And there are others out there that considering it, and I think it's great that you are.  I personally know families that have either adopted or people that are adoptees themselves, so I understand adoption can be a great way to start or expand families.   Please do not think that I am against adoption, because I'm not.

I think adoption is a wonderful and beautiful thing, I really do.  It is just a path we are not ready to take right now.

Maybe we will revisit it again in the future.

**Please note that the above are just my personal thoughts and feelings about adoption and our own TTC journey.  You may have a different experience or opinion, and that's OK.**