"What God Meant", A Poem.

I found this poem when I came across this blog about embryo adoption.  We often wonder "why me, God?".  Why do we have to go through this painful journey of infertility?  We may never know the answer to the why, but this poem may be what God meant for us.  I think you will enjoy this.

What God Meant

Author Unknown

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. 

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for fertility. 

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment. 

I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know.

March 2012 ICLW

Hello to those stopping by from ICLW.  If you are new to ICLW, it stands for International Comment Leaving Week.  If you are new to my site, welcome.  If you've been here before, thanks for stopping by again.  Time has flown by for me this month.  It feels like a lot has happened, but yet seems like not much progress. 

Our story briefly:  Babe (hubby) and I have been TTC for over 8 years (I cringe every time I look at the number!).  We were first diagnosed with "unexplained infertility"  Since then, we done just about everything... clomid, surgeries for polyps, 4 IUIs, and a total of 4 IVFs, with the last one done last July. My RE determined that we have low egg quality, probably due to age (I am 38).  However, we have been trying for more than 8 years, so we wonder if it had always been an egg issue? I guess we'll never know.

Since the last IVF July, we had taken a break from fertility treatments, and now wondering what's next. At last month's ICLW post, we were thinking about adoption, and trying to decide which one to go with - international or domestic.  Since then, we attended the information meeting at the adoption agency, and we have decided that we would pursue multiple tracks at the same time.  We are currently on the waiting lists for both the US Marshall Islands international program, as well as the domestic infant adoption.  We have started our adoption application and homestudy paperwork.  At the same time, we are also working on the online application for embryo adoption.  With the homestudy, once approved, we can do any of the 3 options.  Of course, we will come to a point where we can only pick one, but in the meantime, we need to get our paperwork done.

I will be posting more about this adoption journey, so stay tuned.

Thought You'd Be Here, by Wes King

I found this video on You.Tube called "Thought You'd Be Here" by Wes King.  It's about waiting for the child we so desperately want.  I've included the lyrics too.

     Somehow, we thought you'd be here by now

     I never knew I could miss someone I've never met.




Thought You'd Be Here, by Wes King

We thought you'd be here by now
Your mother and I
We're praying through our tears that somehow
We might hear your sweet cry
Have we waited too long
It's getting harder to be strong
Is there something we've done wrong

But if you like dancing
I'll make it rain rhythm, and rhyme, and melodies, child
And if you like dreaming
Your mother will make your imagination run wild
Somehow, we thought you'd be here by now

We have a room just for you upstairsIt?s right down the hall
So we'll be close should you ever get scared
We'll come when you call
It's a room full of stories
Waiting to be told
Longing to behold

And if you like laughing
I'll paint you a circus of smiles and ferris wheels, dear
And if you like living
Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near

Somehow...

I never knew the silence could make me so deaf
I never knew that I could miss someone I've never met
Miss someone I haven't met yet

We'll be waiting

Dual Registration & Background Checks

I am now registered for both the Marshall Islands and Domestic Infant Adoption (DIA) program.  This puts me on the waiting list for the DIA program. Once we are officially in the program, we would need to sign another contract for the DIA program, just like we will be signing one for the Marshall Islands program.

Actually, Babe and I had talked about doing the DIA outreach only program, meaning we would not be in the Profile Book, but do our own outreach to find a baby.  This would mean we technically would not need to be in the waiting list.  However, since we are considering embryo adoption too, we will wait to notify the agency about it, since we may only need the homestudy.

I am currently working on a couple of things.  I am in the middle of translating my birth certificate into English, since I was born in Asia.  Fortunately, I am not required to use a certified translator but I will be running it by my sister to make sure that the translation is accurate and "official" enough.

The background check requires that I list all addresses I have EVER lived at since turning 18.  That's a  lot of addresses since I've move a lot since turning 18.  I am also in the process of trying to figure out how to submit a background check with the child abuse registry in Singapore, since I lived there for a little over a year.  It's "fun" trying to contact someone in the child protective services in a country on the other side of the world with 14 hours time difference.  Thankfully, my sister will be helping me with that too.

Fun stuff.

Adoption Info Meeting Update

I have been meaning to post this update.  Sorry, I've been away from the blogsphere for a few days.

So we went to the adoption information meeting last Tuesday.  Not surprisingly, most of the people there were interested in domestic infant adoption.

I have to say that I did not learn too much more than I didn't already know, but I DID find out the following:

• There is a waiting list to start the domestic infant adoption (DIA) program.  This is due to two reasons.  First, there is a Profile Book that birth mothers look at for selecting potential adoptive families.  Only 60 families are allowed in the book at a time.  This makes sense so birth mothers are not overwhelmed at the number of families.  Also, this increases the chance of families being selected and reduces that wait times of families already in the book. Second, one of the larger adoption agencies here in MN discontinued their DIA program last year, so families already in the process were scrambling to find another agency to go with to complete their adoptions.  Many families moved their profiles to this agency, and they are also on the waiting list.  So, if we were interested in the DIA program, it would be another few months, at the very least, before we would be invited to start our application with the program.
• However, if we were to pursue DIA doing our own outreach, meaning we don't go into the Profile Book (which by the way costs $5,000), we would be able to start on the DIA program.  Doing our own outreach means we would have to be creative and do our own "marketing".  Some examples the presenter gave us were webpages, advertisements, Face.book pages, sending letters to friends and families, business cards, etc.  One couple even had t-shirts printed with information about their desire to adopt and wore those to the State Fair.  The cool thing is this agency actually provides outreach training. 
• I also found out that we are allowed to go dual track - meaning we could be on the international and domestic infant adoption programs as the same time.  Up to a certain point, I'm sure.

After the information meeting, Babe and I went to a late dinner and discussed what we had learned.  What the heck, if we can be on dual tracks, let do it!  We are already on the Marshall Island program waiting list, so let's get ourselves on the DIA program as well.  I also asked Babe, what about embryo adoption, would he be open to that?  He said, oh well.... might as well.  So we may also be doing embryo donation!!

The next day, I emailed the adoption agency requesting to be put on the DIA with our own outreach as well.  I also contacted the National Embryo Donation Center (NEDC) in Knoxville, TN.  NEDC does embryo adoption which requires a homestudy, just like a regular adoption.  Their website mentioned going through Bethany Christian Services for the homestudy.  One of my reluctance about doing embryo adoption was having to go through another adoption agency for the homestudy.  It would be great if we could do everything at one place.  So, I left a message with NEDC asking if we are required to go through Bethany for the homestudy, of if any homestudy would suffice.  I received a voicemail from the patient coordinator the next day stating that any homestudy would suffice, and does not need to be from Bethany.  I'm excited!  We could do one homestudy and could possibly go through domestic, international or embryo adoption!

Our next step if we were to pursue embryo adoption is to register online, but would need to pay a $300 non-refundable fee.  I'm not sure if I want to spend the $300 right now.  I emailed the patient coordinator at NEDC again asking if NEDC had Asian/Caucasian embryos available to adopt, since we are a bi-racial couple.  The answer is yes, there are, but it is a smaller pool as they are not donated as often.  But NEDC reserves those embryos for that ethnic group.  So, that is a relief.

So the point is, no matter which adoption route we take - Marshall Island, domestic, or embryo (unless we miraculously get pregnant), we need our homestudy done.  Now we really need to get in gear and work on those adoption application materials.  There is so much paper work!  I'll write about those in another post.