Feeling A Little Lost

My period finally arrived last night.  Just as I predicted, 4 days after my beta, after all meds were stopped.  The same thing happened during the last 2 transfers in November and January.  So I was pretty confident it was going to happen again.

I'm not too sure about how to feel about this period.  It is most likely going to be the last period that I would have been most likely to have a chance at getting pregnant.  I was technically pregnant twice before.  But not this cycle.  Not this last chance at pregnancy, even with adopted embryos.

I'm feeling a little lost as to what to do with myself.

I catch myself thinking I crave a cup of coffee, but I shouldn't because..... oh, never mind.

I am contemplating if I should even continue taking my prenatal vitamins.  Maybe switch to regular multivitamins?  Maybe skip it all together?  I have been trying to "do the right thing" for so long there is freedom in not having to take vitamins, but at the same time a little unnerving.

I see some cute pants online and think nah... I shouldn't get those just in case I won't fit in them in a few months.  Then realize, oh never mind.  I won't have a baby belly.

For a while now, I have been reading a lot of articles online about pregnancy, breastfeeding, baby names, parenthood, etc.  I still have a great desire and interests in these articles, but I wonder, why bother.

It is a bit confusing right now.  Not quite sure where I fit in.  I will have a phone consult with Dr. Keenan on Wednesday morning.  But until then, we are not making any decisions.  It's tempting to start researching other agencies or clinics about embryo adoption/donation programs.  I've also contemplated pulling out and filling up the paperwork for traditional adoption.

Being the planner that I am, I want to just jump right in and start planning for our next move, but I know it is still too early.  We need to take some time to just BE.  To grieve.  To be accept and be OK with what has happened.  To have worked through our emotions before making any decisions.

So for now, we wait.  Again.

Weird and Confusing

I meant to write a different post today, but I guess that will have to wait.

Today has been a weird and confusing day.

Firstly, I met up with an ex-colleage of mine for lunch today.  A few months before I left my job, I found out that Kath was planning on doing and IVF sometime this year because it is almost impossible for her to have a baby naturally as she only has one fallopian tube due to an ectopic pregnancy.  We had discussed IVF and I even lent her a book, and offered to share my experience with her.  Then today at lunch, I found out she is going to have a baby in April.  No, she is not pregnant, but she is adopting a baby.  In fact, she is adopting her cousin's baby as she (the cousin) is having a second unplanned baby, and has chosen not to parent.  This came as a surprise, so now they are scrambling to get their adoption paperwork done.  I'm excited and happy for them.

Then, today another friend, who had left for Florida to adopt a baby girl, posted on Face.book that it's official that the baby is theirs.   The baby was born on Valentine's Day.  Their adoption was quick too.  Again, happy and excited for them.

So these are all great stories, and I am truly happy for them.  Really, I am.

Yet, I am feeling sad.  Sorry for myself.  Angry.  Seems like everyone is moving on, and and so quickly too!  But me? Still here, still the same.  While things are happening quickly for others.  It's s frustrating.

And to add salt to the wound, I received a text from my sister-in-law tonight asking if we would watch their four kids (yes, FOUR kids - ages 2 - 8) while her and her husband go on a long weekend trip.

Why do people think that it is OK to ask someone with no kids to watch their kids???

Do we have the label "you-can-be-my-babysitter-since-you-don't-have-any-kids-of-your-to-watch" on our foreheads?  It's so frustrating!!

To be fair, they are looking for someone to watch their kids Friday through Monday, and with me currently not working, I suppose they assume I would be free and hopefully willing to do it.  She has also offered to pay me for it.  Honestly, I don't want her to pay me.  I would rather do it to help her out, a favor, if you will, and not make a big deal out of it.  If there is money involved it just won't be right.

Babe thinks we (mostly I) should do it.  If When we have kids in the future, we may need help from them.  Maybe that's true.  OK, that's probably true but I can't help the feeling of resentment.

Some may say I could use the practice.  But it's not the same when it's not your own kids.  I think it's hard to be responsible for someone else's kids.  You don't have full authority to discipline them.  What if something happens to them? Or they break something?  Like a finger, or worse?

End the end, I think I will end up agreeing to do it anyways.

On a sadder note, the gal I mentioned in my last post, unfortunately miscarried from her IVF.  It's so hard to see someone go through IVF, get a positive result, and then miscarry.  I want to say that I know how she is feeling, losing her embabies, but I don't.  I never got to the positive test result.  But I do understand the feeling of loss and grief.  Please say a prayer for her and her hubby as they figure out what's next for them.

Sigh...... It's weird and confusing.  Feeling happy, sad and resentment all at the same time.

I hope one day I can look back and honestly say that it was all worth it!