Feeling A Little Lost

My period finally arrived last night.  Just as I predicted, 4 days after my beta, after all meds were stopped.  The same thing happened during the last 2 transfers in November and January.  So I was pretty confident it was going to happen again.

I'm not too sure about how to feel about this period.  It is most likely going to be the last period that I would have been most likely to have a chance at getting pregnant.  I was technically pregnant twice before.  But not this cycle.  Not this last chance at pregnancy, even with adopted embryos.

I'm feeling a little lost as to what to do with myself.

I catch myself thinking I crave a cup of coffee, but I shouldn't because..... oh, never mind.

I am contemplating if I should even continue taking my prenatal vitamins.  Maybe switch to regular multivitamins?  Maybe skip it all together?  I have been trying to "do the right thing" for so long there is freedom in not having to take vitamins, but at the same time a little unnerving.

I see some cute pants online and think nah... I shouldn't get those just in case I won't fit in them in a few months.  Then realize, oh never mind.  I won't have a baby belly.

For a while now, I have been reading a lot of articles online about pregnancy, breastfeeding, baby names, parenthood, etc.  I still have a great desire and interests in these articles, but I wonder, why bother.

It is a bit confusing right now.  Not quite sure where I fit in.  I will have a phone consult with Dr. Keenan on Wednesday morning.  But until then, we are not making any decisions.  It's tempting to start researching other agencies or clinics about embryo adoption/donation programs.  I've also contemplated pulling out and filling up the paperwork for traditional adoption.

Being the planner that I am, I want to just jump right in and start planning for our next move, but I know it is still too early.  We need to take some time to just BE.  To grieve.  To be accept and be OK with what has happened.  To have worked through our emotions before making any decisions.

So for now, we wait.  Again.

"Waiting" Video, by John Waller

First of all, thank you to those who commented on my "Waiting" post.

We all know how hard waiting is, whether it's waiting for a much wanted pregnancy, a baby, a husband, a job or whatever else we may be desiring.  When I posted the verses, "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.  Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD", I hope you know that I am not that strong or confident or patient.  I can only try and hope, and pray to be.

Already I do not feel that strong nor confident.  Already I am impatient.  I am ready to give up on waiting.

But I will continue to hold on to the verse.  It helps to remind myself where I need to be, and not where I am right now.

A couple of people commented on my post about the song "Waiting" by John Waller.  It's funny because I have heard the song many times on our local Christian station, and in fact, thought about the song and the words right after I posted.  So since more than one person mentioned the song, I am sharing this with you.  I actually found a special version dedicated to all couples waiting for that precious gift of life.



I can only pray that I will be hopeful, bold, confident and faithful while I wait.

While I'm Waiting
I'm waiting 
I'm waiting on You, Lord 
And I am hopeful 
I'm waiting on You, Lord 
Though it is painful 
But patiently, I will wait 

I will move ahead, bold and confident 
Taking every step in obedience 
While I'm waiting 
I will serve You 
While I'm waiting 
I will worship 
While I'm waiting 
I will not faint 
I'll be running the race 
Even while I wait 

I'm waiting 
I'm waiting on You, Lord 
And I am peaceful 
I'm waiting on You, Lord 
Though it's not easy 
But faithfully, I will wait 
Yes, I will wait 
I will serve You while I'm waiting 
I will worship while I'm waiting 
I will serve You while I'm waiting 
I will worship while I'm waiting 
I will serve you while I'm waiting 
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Waiting

I am not sure what God's plan is for me in my life.  But I know that He has one, and it is good, a plan to prosper me, and not do me harm.  A plan for hope and a future (from Jeremiah 29:11).

I have been, and am still holding on to this promise.  It's not easy because I don't know what it is, and I want to know.  For now, I know that my plan is not the same as His, and that sucks.  But, I have to trust that He knows what He's doing.  Only He knows what he has planned for me.

When I was putting together the bible verses booklet for Jack and Ellie, I gave them this bible passage to encourage them.  Now I am also claiming this for myself.

Psalm 27: 13-14

13 I am still confident of this:

       I will see the goodness of the LORD

       In the land of the living.

14 Wait for the LORD;

      be strong and take heart

      and wait for the LORD.

I am claiming this for myself: I will see God's goodness in this my life.  I will continue to wait on Him, to be strong, and to take heart.  I will not quit.  And I will continue to wait and trust Him.

I know God is up to something.  He has something planned for my life.  I just need the peace and patience to wait on Him.

No News Is Good News?

I called my RE's office today about the best way to send them my IVF lab report from my first IVF that was done overseas (I'm working on this post!).  At the same time, I checked on the status of my Karotype testing.

If the result is abnormal, someone (hopefully the RE) will call.  If the result is normal (praying that it is!) no one will call.   How can they not call if the results are normal?  Don't we IFers do enough waiting already?  Sigh...... I guess no news is good news.

Please don't call!  Please don't call!

I wanted to know if they had heard anything yet, but the receptionist assured me that it really does take a month for the result to come back.  It's only been 3 weeks.  Yeah, only (insert sarcastic tone).  I'll have to wait till after May 11th to call them back, if I still have not heard anything.  I want to make sure that I'm not sitting on my hands, wasting a cycle if the results are normal.

In the meantime, let's hope I don't get any calls from the clinic.

Show and Tell: "Wait" by Russell Kelfer

It's again time for Mel's weekly Show and Tell.  This week I am sharing a poem that someone once shared with me a while ago.  I don't remember who, or what the situation was, but I remember thinking that it was so appropriate for me when I was feeling down and hopeless in my years of trying to have a baby unsuccessfully.

This poem had been circulated on the internet for a long time as author unknown.  However, I found out that the poem is now published as a book.  It is beautifully illustrated by a lady that found this poem after her third successive miscarriage in 9 months.  She requested the widow of the late author, Russell Kelfer for permission to publish the poem.  You can now find this book available for sale from Amazon.

"Wait" is so appropriate for someone like me, who has been TTC for the last 6 years.  It has reminded me over and over again that God has a plan for me, and I just need to learn to trust and wait on Him.  It makes me cry, and yet it gives me peace when I read this.

What are YOU waiting for?

Are you waiting for a baby?  Going through your 2 week wait?  Are you waiting for your adoption match?  Are you waiting for a test result?  Are you single and looking for your mate?  Is someone you love serving in the military overseas?

If you are waiting, this poem is for you.

WAIT by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried; Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied. I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . . And the Master so gently said, "Wait." "Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply. "Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard? By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. "My future and all to which I relate Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait? I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign, Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. "You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, We need but to ask, and we shall receive. And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry: I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate, As my Master replied again, "Wait." So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . . and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens and darken the sun. I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run. "I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me. You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint. You'd not know the power that I give to the faint. "You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there. You'd not know the joy of resting in Me When darkness and silence are all you can see. "You'd never experience the fullness of love When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove. You would know that I give, and I save, for a start, But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart. "The glow of my comfort late into the night, The faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask From an infinite God who makes what you have last. "You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee, What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee. Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true, But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you. "So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me. And though oft My answers seem terribly late, My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait." ©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.

From: http://www.dtm.org/ (look under "Poem", then "Wait")
Now, go check out what everyone is showing at Mel's Show and Tell, and please join us as well!