Sunday, May 2, 2010

What IF?

Today is the very last day of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  In fact I am writing this post at the very last minutes of end of this week.  As part of NIAW, Mel at Stirrup-Queens is hosting Project IF.  The first part of Project IF was to list our worst "What if" fears, part 2 is to blog about it.  I've actually already missed the deadline for part 2 of Project IF, but that's OK.  I'm going to write about it anyways.

I have a long list of what ifs.  But here are my two biggest ones.

What if I never get to experience pregnancy?

Will I ever see the two pink lines of a pregnancy test?  Will I be overjoyed?  Shocked?  Will I laugh, cry, jump with joy?  Who would I tell first?

I often wonder what it would feel like to know you are able to produce life, precious life in your own body?  What would it feel like to feel a life growing in your body?  To hear its first heartbeat?  To see its ultrasound images?  To feel a baby kick, or swim and dance around?  I'd gladly endure morning sickness if I know a baby was growing inside!

What would it be like to see your belly expand over time?  To have constipation, heartburn or stretch marks because of pregnancy?  Would I be able to sleep at night or would I be running to the bathroom all night?

What would it be like to experience the pain of childbirth? The sensation of breast feeding?  What would it be like to fall desperately in love with a little newborn that you know is the love of your life?

What if I never get to experience any of these things??

What if we are never able to have children that look like me or my husband?

I've always wanted kids.  And I've always wanted kids with my Babe.  I've always looked forward to see what kind of babies we would have.

My Babe and I are a mixed couple.  I am of Chinese descent and my Babe, he's mostly German and some Polish.  Oh what beautiful babies we would make, right?

Would our babies have my black straight hair or his blond wavy hair?  Will they be super fair like him, or more tanned like me?  Will they have my brown eyes or his blue ones?  Will they have his "strong" (big) nose, or my dimples?  Will they be tall like him, or short (hopefully not!) like me?  Will they look mostly Asian or Caucasian, or would you just not be able to tell the difference?  I am so curious to find out what they would look like.

My Babe and I used to joke about what if our kids were unfortunate enough to inherit our worst traits?  What if our kids had his "strong" nose, my "mick.ey mouse" ears, and were really short?  We would have trolls!  Remember those troll dolls from the 80's or 90's?  Wouldn't that be funny?

Most of our closest friends are mixed couples, and their kids are gorgeous.  It is so amazing to be able to tell which trait come from which parent.  We want gorgeous kids too.  Kids that have our genes, that look like my Babe and/or myself.  Kids that have his musical talent, his natural athletic ability, his mathematical mind.  OUR kids.

What if we never get a chance to combine our gene pools?  
What if we never get to find out what our kids look like?  
What if we never get to have a child that is combination of the best of the two of us?


For more information on National Infertility Awareness Week, please visit here.

Read the first part of Project IF where readers post their "What IF" questions.  Then take some time to read part 2 of Project IF. where bloggers write about their "What IF" questions.


  1. Beautiful post... I hope and pray for you that sooner than you think you will get to experience pregnancy and seeing your Babe and you in your baby...

  2. I echo those feelings. How you just wonder how 'your' children would look! What is the wonder of childbirth and carrying a child (for me beyond 9 weeks). There are so many unanswered questions, but I hope and pray that we all know those answers some day, and can all share here together the joy that was the outcome of this journey!

  3. I hope some day your trolls can play with my ewoks. :)

  4. This is really excellent.

    Your "What IF" is exactly what I cope with most- I feel confident we'll figure out a way to have a child sooner or later, but I am so sad at the thought of not feeling all the things you described. Those are the things that hurt most when pregnant friends talk about the life within them, because they bring up these What IFs?

    Ha ha. Trolls.