Doubt

It is almost 5 am.  I should be sleeping right now, but I can't fall asleep.  I've been tossing and turning for awhile.  The sky is starting to get some light.

Last night, Babe and I stayed up and late and watched a couple of movies, including "Monuments Men" which by the way is an excellent movie.  As we were getting ready for bed, for some reason I was suddenly hit with a very strong feeling of doubt. That I. Am. Not. Pregnant.  Not really sure why.  Maybe because:

1. I just don't feel pregnant.  I know this means nothing because many/most people do not feel pregnant this early on, though some (very few) do.  I didn't feel pregnant last time either.
2. I have not had much cramping at all.  Usually having cramps is a good sign as it means the embryos are implanting into the uterine lining.  During my November 2 week wait,  I had cramping but not in January.  I can't really recall having cramp this time.  Maybe some "stirrings", but nothing noticeable.  So maybe this doesn't mean much either
3. I did not have any implantation spotting.  My November transfer, I remember very well that I had implantation spotting right around 4dp5dt.  Not this time around.  Most women don't experience implantation spotting, but I did back in November, and it's hard not to compare.
4. This may be a TMI.  One of my nipples is "flat".  I don't recall in November, but in January, I noticed that my flat nipple was more "perky" like the other one during my 2 week wait.  It could be due to the progesterone, or due to the fact that I was truly pregnant (though short lived) then.  However, on the morning of my 2nd beta where I found out that hCG numbers had dropped, I noticed that it had gone "flat" again.  I didn't think much of it until later in the day when I found out that the number had dropped that I tied those two together.  Maybe it is still unrelated, but I thought it was interesting and it made sense.  Well, my "flat" nipple was "perky" for a few days, but now I think it is "flat" again.  Not sure what to make of it.
5. I am tired most of the time, but I think I am not as fatigued as I was back in January.  I would barely be able to keep my eyes open by 2 or 3 in the afternoon.  It could be due to the progesterone or the fact that my body is making make a baby.  I am tired, but not as fatigued as I was back in January.  

All these symptoms (or non-symptoms) above are really hard to make out really.  Both November and January transfers resulted in chemical pregnancies, meaning I was technically pregnant but had an early miscarriage.  

But the difference between these two is in November my beta numbers went from 13 to 4 in two days, and in January my beta numbers went from 159 (high for a first beta) to 44 in 4 days.  So in my mind at least, I was "more pregnant" in January.  For those not familiar with beta numbers, they are supposed to double every 48 hours or so to indicate a healthy pregnancy.  In both my last transfers, instead of doubling, it fell.

I have been pretty good about not wanting to take a home pregnancy test.  But for some reason tonight, it has hit me really hard that I am not pregnant.  No real concrete reason.  Just felt it very strongly tonight.  And out of the blue too.

I didn't think I was pregnant last time either, but I was, even if it was short lived.  Maybe I am wrong again this time?  Time to go back to bed and attempt to sleep.  The birds are chirping and there is light in the sky.

Less than 2 days to beta.

She's Here

AF finally arrived this morning after I woke up from my sleep.  I am not surprised by it, just glad it is finally here.  So it is CD1 today, not CD31.  Time to look forward to the next cycle.

I am still dealing with this dang cold.  So far, I am doing the following to help ease the symptoms:

• Sleeping with a humidifier, plus adding menthol vaporizer to it.
• Drinking home remedy of apple cider vinegar, lemon juice, honey, pinch of cayenne pepper and some warm water.  It's got quite a kick to it, but suppose to work wonders.  We'll see.
• Using the "nettie pot"/ sinus rinse.  I prefer the bottled kind.
• Taking Re.doxon, a vitamin C and zinc supplement that was given to me by my sister.  I guess it is not sold in the US.  It's supposed to be really good too.
• Taking Well.ness Formu.la, an herbal supplement that supposed to be help with your immune system.  The tablets smell really nasty, makes me gag each time I take it.
• Drinking lots of water.
• Made some good old chicken soup.  Will probably make more tomorrow.
• Taking Tylen.ol when I need it.
• Tried smelling some peppermint eucalyptus oil on a tissue last night, but could not smell a thing.  I could tell that my nose was inhaling something, but could not make out what the smell was.

Hope all these will help.  Did I mention I hate being sick?  I could use some more suggestions on how to deal with this cold.  Thanks!