We Are A Go for May Transfer!

We are a GO for our May transfer!

I had my ultrasound and blood work appointment this morning.  I was a little nervous about how thick my lining was going to be, since I had one incident where my lining was too thin back in September.  Fortunately my November and January transfers my lining was thick enough at 9.3 mm and 7 mm (minimum required for NEDC).  To make matters worse, yesterday I was out and about and was going to be late taking my afternoon dose of Es.trace.  When I got home I was so tired, I fell asleep on the couch.  For 5 hours straight!  By the time I woke up, it was time for my next dose of Es.trace.  I panicked and ended up taking both doses together.  I was guessing that it should be OK, since I had also been taking my other doses consistently.  I am doing acupuncture and had a shiatsu massage as well on Friday.

But this morning, I was pretty nervous.  Thankfully, my lining came in at 7.9 mm, so I knew I would be OK.  This afternoon I received the call from the NEDC nurse with the official lining result of 7.9 mm and estrogen level of 195.  I am cleared to start PIO shots tomorrow morning.  I do PIO shots once a day tomorrow, and then will increase to twice a day after tomorrow.  I will reduce my Es.trace to one tablet, twice a day starting tomorrow.

Ugh... the dreaded PIO shots.  I found out Babe will have to travel for a few days after our transfer which means I will have to either find someone to give me those shots while he is gone, or I have to do it myself.

But our transfer's a go!

Yesterday, Mother's Day was a low key day for us.  We took Babe's mom and dad out to brunch on Saturday for Mother's Day.  Usually, all of Babe's siblings and nieces and nephews show up at his parents for Mother's Day for lunch.  Though Babe's dad would grill, you know how it is, his mom would end up having to clean the house because "company" was coming.  And after lunch even though we the kids would do dishes, his mom would end up having to do work anyway.  So, Babe and I decided to take her out for lunch instead so she didn't have to do anything.  I think she ended up spending Mother's Day with her some of her grandkids.

Mother's Day is still kinda tough for me at church, so we also took the day easy, sleeping in and skipping church altogether.  I called my mom who lives in a different country many time zones away.  It's hard missing out on spending time with her on all these holidays, especially as she is getting older each year.  I'm hoping Mother's Day will be different next year.

4 days to transfer!

2 days till we hop on a plane to Knoxville!

This and That

I've been a bad blogger, sorry.  I'm STILL behind in catching up on reading everyone's blogs.  I'm about 3 days behind.  Haven't been commenting much, and not feeling like posting much either.  So, here's a few going ons in my life right now.

• So thankful that our Karotype test results came back normal.  It means we can try for another round of IVF, and can skip the whole donor egg discussion.  For a while there, I thought maybe it would be a good thing if the result came back abnormal.  Then we can just say screw the whole IVF thing, quit trying, and move on to adoption.  Of course I'm truly happy that's not the case.  The whole IVF thing is hard.  It's hard when there are so many unknowns.  Not knowing if it is going to work this time, after yet another failure.  All the physical, emotional and financial strains it involves.  But yes, I'm thankful for the way it turned out.
• Earlier this week, my 2 1/2-year-old goddaughter L gave me a little pot of african violets.  Just because, and as a thank you for being a special part of her life.  I'm sure it was her mom, E's idea, a little something for mother's day.  So thank you, E!  I will probably plant it outside in a planter or in the garden transfer it into a permanent indoor pot (I was just notified by E that the plant is actually an indoor plant!  Let's hope my black thumb does not kill it!).
• We refinanced our house from a 30-year to a 15-year mortgage.  No refinancing fees and we actually will pay less every month, thanks to the stimulus package.  We still have to get the final approval in the mail.  The only possible bump is that I am now not working, but we've had a perfect history in the past of paying on time and extra.  Plus unlike many mortgages out there, we actually owe less than what the house is worth.  The refinancing guy doesn't think it would be an issue.
• I ovulated early this month.  It came as a bit of a surprise since I normally ovulate on day 16 or 17 on, but I think I actually ovulated on day 15 this month.  Luckily I was paying attention to the OPKs or I would have missed it!
• We had dinner at a Chinese restaurant a couple of nights ago, and my fortune cookie said "You will have a comfortable old age".  Hmm.... comfortable?  Hopefully that includes kids that will be taking good care of me!

How I Spent Mother's Day

First of all, don't forget my Mother's Day giveaway!  If you have not already done so, make sure to participate.  It ends on Tuesday night!

How I spent Mother's Day.....

Well I woke up thinking, ugh.... I don't want to get up!  It's freezing out there!  And I snuggled deeper into my sleeping bag.

Yup, I did say sleeping bag!  Oh, didn't I mention that I was camping last weekend?  In the cold, wet and almost freezing weather?  Crazy, I know!

Yeah, Babe and his friend, Buddy decided that they we should go camping this month.  It was supposed to be for the 3rd weekend of May, but Buddy changed it last minute to this weekend, which happened to be Mother's Day.  And it was cold!  He didn't even have any idea that it was Mother's Day.

We camped at a state park next to a river, which was pretty nice, but somehow picked one of the coldest and wettest weekend this spring.  Thankfully it was only for one night.  We spent Saturday cooking by the fire, walking along the trails by the St. Croix river, drinking hot chocolate and just hanging out (and warming up)  by the fire.  Did I mention it was cold?  We could see our breaths the whole time we were there!

The benefit of camping on Mother's Day weekend was not having to witness the festivities that goes along with this day.  No need to see mothers with flowers pinned on their shirts, or people dressed up to go to church or Sunday brunches, and mothers (and dads) showing off gifts received from their kids.  These are all wonderful things, just not something I'm up for at this moment.

Buddy was cooking us bacon and eggs over the fire on Sunday morning when I asked what he was planning for his wife to celebrate Mother's Day.  "Oh I guess she will have to wait till J (their 3-year-old daughter) is older and she can celebrate it with her (Buddy's wife)".  

What??  It never crossed Buddy's mind to celebrate Mother's Day with his wife.  In his mind, he would celebrate his mom, and it would be his daughter's responsibility to celebrate his wife.  I was outraged!  He didn't even think his wife was worth celebrating Mother's Day?

Without coming off as a raving lunatic (which took a lot of self control and effort), I said, "Don't you think you should get your wife a gift or celebrate on behalf of J?  She's only (almost) 3, so you should help her celebrate it."  He didn't seem too convinced, so I added "You know, she IS the mother of your child!!  That should mean something, right?"

He looked at me and said, "You know, you might me right.  I'll think about it".  I'm not sure if he did anything about it, but I sure hope he did.  How can you not appreciate your wife, the mother of your child on Mother's Day?  I'm going to have to check with his wife to see if he actually did anything to celebrate with his wife.  How clueless can he be?

Driving to the state park on Saturday, I was thinking about Mother's Day, whether I had a right to celebrate it.  So I cautiously asked Babe if he thought I deserved to celebrate Mother's Day.  He had a frown and said, "It doesn't make sense.  If we had children then yeah, you should celebrate it.  But we don't"  

I was pretty upset.  I know it totally made sense.  Technically, we have no children, but what about all the embryos that didn't make it.  I guess they don't matter?  I suppose they weren't babies, or fetuses even.  Yes, technically I am not a mother. 

But still it hurt.  I wanted him to be more understanding, to be more sensitive to all the hurts and pains and feelings of loss that we (or maybe just me?) had gone through.  For him to say, I know this is hard, but maybe we can just have ice cream instead, of go for a movie, or have a drink, or something.  To give me a hug (OK, so he was driving).  Something for him to at least acknowledge Mother's Day, as something I really yearn to celebrate, but can't.  It was too hard for me to even think about fighting about this.  So I let it slide.

Maybe not thinking about us celebrating Mother's Day is his way of dealing?  I don't know.

I Want To Be A Mother

I received the poem from a friend the other day.  I thought it would be fitting to share this on Mother's Day.

I do not want to take away the significance of this day, because this is a special day.  We should celebrate our moms, and you deserve to celebrate this day if you are a mom.

I hope that I will be able to celebrate this day fully some day.  But for now, this is what I want.  I want to be a mother.  I am a Mom Wannabe.

Happy Mother's Day everyone, no matter where you are on your journey!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to be a Mother 

A Mom Wannabe 

By Alison Kathleen Whitney 

I want to be a Mom. But I can't. Instead, I am a Mom Wannabe. 

I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child, naturally, with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion, in the way God intended. But I can't. 

I want to discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a + sign. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discovered. But I can't. Instead, I cry tears of pain at random, for no reason and with no warning. 

I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the "pregnant glow". I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't. Instead, I try not to look pregnant. I don't buy clearance clothes for next year, "just in case". I try to keep my emotions from going haywire. I dream that my husband talks to my belly. 

I want to take prenatal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met. 

I want to hear the doctor say "You're Pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't. I want to surprise my parents with a new grandchild. I want to tell my friends and family our good news. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read "What to Expect When You're Expecting". But I can't. Instead, I have no news to tell. I realize my life hasn't changed in years. I read "When Empty Arms become a Heavy Burden". 

I want to monitor the progress. I want to see ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks, but I can't. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. Instead, I imagine a crib in an empty room down the hall. I avoid baby stores in the mall. We spend our money on doctor's appointments, tests and high-tech procedures. We spend our money on a dream. We are left with an empty bank account. We are left with empty arms. 

I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes. 

I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want an epidural. I want my husband by my side and my family in waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever imagined. 

I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking "We did it" but knowing that God did it. But I can't. Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wondering what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this. 

I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray that someday soon He will give it to us. 

I want to be a mom, but I can't. Instead, I am right where God wants me to be: thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in status... 

From a mom wannabe, to the mom I WANT to be. 

Mother's Day & A Giveaway

Mother's Day is right at our doorsteps again.  This is a tough day for us dealing with infertility.  What do you do when you yearn to be a mother and Mother's Day just reminds you of something you want so badly, but cannot seem to have? (hint: I'm doing a giveaway!)

I hope you are able to celebrate this day with your mom.  Growing up, I always knew moms were special and I celebrated Mother's Day with excitement.  But as a grown up, I really appreciate how special moms really are, the sacrifices they make, the lessons they teach us, the love they give.

But for us dealing with infertility, Mother's Day can be so hard to handle.  Seeing how special moms are treated, all the flowers, gifts, special brunches, etc.  We want so much to be able to celebrate this day, not  because we want the gifts or the special treatment.  But because we so yearn to be mothers ourselves.  It's just another reminder of what we want so badly, but can't have.

I remember growing up, my old church would celebrate Mother's Day by acknowledging all mothers by having them stand up at the service.  And all mothers received either a flower or a corsage.  Thankfully the church we go to now doesn't do that or it would be too hard for me to attend church on Mother's Day.

My mom lives on the other side of the world, so I will not be able to celebrate with her.  Usually we celebrate Mother's Day with my mother-in-law, but this year, she and my FIL is on vacation in Hawaii.  So instead, we are going to have dinner with my Babe's 90-year-old grandma.

Will you be celebrating Mother's Day?  How?

Do I have a right to celebrate Mother's Day if I have lost embryos, but no baby?  I'd love to, but I would feel like a fraud, an imposter.  Wouldn't you?

What about those of you that have lost babies to miscarriages?  Do you celebrate?

Giveaway!
I'm doing a giveaway in honor of Mother's Day!  I suspect that many of us will be celebrating our mothers, but not not ourselves, even though we would LOVE to be mothers.   I won't be getting any gifts this Mother's Day, but I am going to bless someone else instead.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted about pomegranates being a symbol of fertility and prosperity.  Inspired by some of the comments I received, I'm giving away a pair of pomegranate earrings.

There earrings are handmade my me.  They are simple but very pretty, though the pictures did not turn out too well.  The pomegranate charms are sterling silver and includes a pair of purple sparkly crystals and glass beads.  My goal is to bless someone with this pair of earring.  Hopefully it can bring you some luck, some "baby dust", if you will.  If nothing else I hope it can be a great conversation piece when someone says "Oh, what kind of earrings are those?".

It's really simple to participate in this giveaway.  You don't have to be a follower or tweet or anything.   Just answer this question in the comments section:  What is the one thing you would like your non-infertile friends to know about infertility or baby loss?  

That's it.  It's that simple.

The giveaway is open to everyone.  I will ship overseas if needed.  The giveaway will close at 11:59 p.m. CST Tuesday, May 11th.  The winner will be randomly selected by my Babe, and will be contacted on Thursday, May 13th.

I can't wait to hear your comments!  Good luck!

Happy Mother's Day!  Make sure to give your mom or MIL an extra special hug!