Sunday, December 20, 2009

"When Are Guys You Having Kids?"

Today we celebrated DH's grandma's 90th birthday as a family.  We went to a Chinese buffet restaurant and surprised Grandma for lunch.  She thought she was only having lunch with my BIL and his family.  After lunch we had cake at my MIL's house.  By what chaos!  There were 10 nieces and nephews ages 2 months to 8 years.  There were lots of running, yelling, crying, stomping, whining, fighting, etc.

DH is a kid magnet.  He is all the nieces and nephews favorite uncle.  DH is really great with the kids, especially the older ones who like to wrestle and be more physical.  I prefer to play with the younger ones, especially the 2-year olds.  The girls like the play dress up and are more affectionate.  The best part of today was holding my 2-month old niece.  I realize some of us dealing with IF have a hard time with newborns or babies, but I LOVE holding babies.  They are so cuddly, warm and smell wonderful! That newborn smell, there's just something about it.  And the feel of the soft fuzzy head just melts my heart!  I've also read somewhere that holding babies are supposed to be good for those TTC.  Well I have held LOTS of babies but still nothing to show for it.  Still  I don't mind too much.  It is a temporary therapy while I wait for my dream child(ren).

My BIL D.D. never stops with the "When are you guys going to have one of these?" or "Aren't you glad you don't have kids?" (when kids are yelling or screaming), and "When are you going to join the club?".  It annoys the heck out of me, but I have not had too many good comebacks yet.  I think one time I said "When is A. [my 8-year old niece, his daughter] going to be old enough to babysit?".  Another time I said something like "You'll know when it happens", or " Why are you so anxious?".  I don't think I've ever come up with a real good response.  Drives me crazy!

I once told DH that one of these days I'm gonna snap and yell "I can't have kids, OK?  I'm infertile!!  You happy now!!?"  Then I'll probably breakdown and cry.  AWKWARD!  But that probably won't help because then he'll have something else to say like the the classic just relax, have you tried X,Y, or Z, just adopt, enjoy yourselves while you can, want mine, etc.  He's one of those guys that never stops talking (seriously, he loves to talk!), and thinks he is the smartest person around.  He always has a comeback remark.  Anyway, I just hope it will never get to that point!  I don't mind him as a person, but I wish he would just shut the heck up already about this!

Today, as I was holding my 2-month old niece sleeping peacefully on my chest, DH's aunt J. asks me casually "Are you guys planning on having babies?".  My response was "If it happens, it happens".  I don't mind so much her asking because I know she really meant well.  I am sure she has been wondering this for a long time and she knows we love the nieces and nephews.  I just appreciate that she was asking sincerely.  I also suspect it is a question that Grandma really wants to know too, but has been nice enough not to ask, unlike my "wonderful" BIL.

So anyone have any good comebacks to the ultimate and non-stop question of "When are you guys having kids?".


  1. My response is usually "We're working on it." That indicates that we want kids, but haven't been successful yet. Most people don't ask anything else beyond that. Of course, I've been very open with my family about all of our struggles, so they all know that we ARE infertile and that we are using ART to try to build our family. They are super-supportive, which is great, although sometimes the "Do you have any good news yet?" questions are just as annoying as the "Are you going to have kids?" ones. If I HAD good news, I'd obviously share it.

    Hugs to you!

  2. A friend of mine told me to say "It's on our wish list!" and "We're practicing" (that one kinds shuts them up b/c it's awkward, but funny). Those questions had come to a stop for me as all of our family and friends knew we were having trouble, but we moved a couple of months ago to a new town and the questions are unending! It's so hard b/c it's so awkward! I'll have you in my prayers!!

  3. Ugh. I hate answering those questions...with close family, I answer honestly. We're trying and it's not going well. But I like DeniFay's ideas.

  4. I am here via IComLeavWe!!

    I always tell people we're practicing. Most of our close family knows what we're going through but I still ocassionally get the akward comments or questions and this time of year especially sucks with all the family getting together... I will be following!! xxx

  5. Your BIL sounds like a guy we go to church with. In fact, while reading this, I could picture him saying those things!

    So, because I'm generally a really frank person, I usually answer with the details of what our problem is and what we're doing to combat it. Let me tell you, its the best thing to shut people up! However, I do get an awful lot of just relax, quit trying and it'll happen, when its the right time remarks which make me want to scream!

    I wish you all the best and hope you get your baby very soon!


  6. Hello,

    New to your blog and found it via my sweet friend Deni's blog :) Glad to stop by and I do wish you ever success with IFV. Deni and I have a friend who had recent success with IVF and I pray you do to and will follow your journey.

    So sorry you've been faced with the "when" questions. People are just so nosey and bothersome! When people ask me those dreaded questions I reply, "It's on our WISH LIST". In my case its better to reply with this answer than put them in a precarious situation by saying "I'm the mother of an Angel" It's all so complicated and I'm sorry you find yourself her.

    Sending you love and well wishes as you persue your don't walk alone, we walk with you.


  7. I'm with Jo. It's usually some version of "Well, we've been working on it for five years, so what do you think?"

    One of my favorites is when someone at my grandmother's nursing facility asked me if I had any kids. My sweet gmother quickly stepped in and said, "she can't have kids, but she's the best kid ever." Love you Grandmother! Imagine that the 90-year old gets it, while people of the child-bearing age don't.

    Hang in there. Most days, I go between some ridiculously bitter response with a sad, but truthful one.

  8. I don't know that there are good comments for that, it's a personal and sensitive subject. Oh, and I totally agree with the smell of a newborn. They should somehow figure out how to make a Yankee Candle with that smell. I wish you happy blessings for 2010!

  9. sending you ICLW hugs!!!, i agree with one of the comments above, "we've been working on it for ___ years"

    that should hopefully finally make him realize something n shut it, lol

  10. I was always distinguished in the family by the older ladies as the "one who isn't married". Then it was the "one who can't have kids".


    I defied them all. I am married 2 decades when the rest of the kids in the familiy --- their marriages fell to dust. I have twins and most of my relatives are in custody battles w/the kids being pulled from one side to the other.

    I consider myself triumphant over the judgement of crazy people.

    Oh and I was the kid magnet too.

    That's very hard.

    hugs and I pray that your dream is realized...

  11. I think you got a lot of great suggestions! I don't have a good answer. I got pregnant with my first in a snap, but suffered greatly through secondary infertility... I always got the "when are you having MORE" question. I always shut them up with "I've had X many miscarriages, if you don't think we're trying, you are wrong." We're done now, and final count of m/c was 13 in 13 years of trying pretty much. But I got 4 of the best boys too.

    I wish you nothing but luck in getting the family that you want and know is out there - where ever - for you! My heart still doesn't feel complete, but it's complete for now. Sometime down the road, we'll start fostering. Maybe adopt.

  12. Well, I'm not one to share too many personal details with others (despite having a blog on the INTERNET! LOL!). I've been married for a long time, so rarely get asked this anymore, but when I do I have found that you can hear a pin drop after this response..."well, there are usually two reasons why a two 36 year-old who have been married 13 years don't have kids: Either they don't want them or they are infertile." Kind of mean I know, but seriously that is a really personal question to ask someone and if it makes them a little uncomfortable, then maybe I've spared someone else from being asked.

    Happy ICLW!

  13. Here from ICLW...

    Ah yes, the dreaded personal questions can be frustrating and difficult to answer. I am experiencing secondary IF, so usually get the, "Are you guys gonna have anymore?" type questions. I usually just respond, "I'd love at least one more." and leave it at that.

    Best wishes to you and your DH for 2010.

  14. Wow, I've been offline for a few days and look at the number of comments!

    Thanks all for all your great suggestions. I will try some of these out. Still, my BIL will be a challenge!

    Happy ICLW all!

  15. Some good suggestions!

    I was always quite open about our struggle - I was told at 19 (long before I met hubby) that I would have trouble concieving without IVF and it was always just part of me that had to be accepted so when hubby's family would ask, I'd say that when we were ready for IVF we'd try that route and if it succeded we'd let them know... funny enough they never asked again - it's actually weird now (6 years on) that we have a miracle because they all assume we had a successful IVF.

    I'm sorry your BIL doesn't sense that his line of questioning is totally inappropriate and should be left alone!

    Best of luck with your upcoming IVF cycle.


  16. And fuck up this body? I don't think so.

  17. Right now we're just having fun practicing!

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